Luke Garza Austin, Texas

I love this idea: entire populations of people falling comatose for no apparent reason, doctors having no clue about the causes of the epidemic, and a few brave souls who venture forth into the astral plane in the hopes of rescuing the comatose from their condition.

I also love the notion that inside the astral plane, there's a man who's supposedly been dead for years but is, in fact, slowly becoming a powerful, growing menace.

I think the concept alone is enough to sell this piece...but if for some reason it isn't, then I have some suggestions on where the script needs improvement.

WHAT I LIKED:
1)The vision of the future...in particular, the holographic spam ads which ordinary folks must PAY FOR in order to OPT OUT
2)Guy--mysterious, scary and deadly, exactly as he should be
3)The thematic parallels to W.B. Yeats "The Second Coming"
4)The dialogue--dramatic, funny
5)The scene description--sleek and professional

WHAT COULD USE SOME WORK:
1)The constructs inside each victim's mind: These scenarios need significantly more complication. You don't have to mimic INCEPTION, but you can't make it as easy as you currently do for Tom to locate and retrieve the comatose victims in their own constructs. Throw some obstacles at Tom inside each construct.
2)Maynard: He's duplicitous, which is good, but not particularly threatening. I'm not sure what the point of him and Ezra following Tom around with cameras was supposed to accomplish. He's mostly a paper tiger.
3)Pacing: too leisurely. Again, this is largely a function of making the task of finding and rescuing the comatose too easy for Tom to do. Also, Simone just gives Tom complete access to all of Guy's files, instead of forcing Tom to CONVINCE her to give him access...and let's not forget Maynard bailing Tom out of jail instead of dangling a carrot in front of Tom first ("I'll bail you out IF you agree to my terms...")
4)Simone: not a three dimensional character like Tom. She reads more like a plot function. Again, if she weren't so agreeable with Tom all the time...if she provided some resistance to his decisions...she might come across as more human and believable.
5)The ending: a bit TOO ambiguous. I don't need every question answered for me but the details of the conspiracy between Maynard and Guy are a bit fuzzy. Was Guy, in fact, the CAUSE of the epidemic? Wait, don't answer that...

I think you've stumbled upon something with Guy's character. I think he should be more of the focus and Maynard should be less of a presence in the story. I think you could actually take Guy's power to a whole new level and make this piece truly suspenseful, maybe even frightening (not that it's a horror story, although it could be).

Anyway, hope these suggestions help and good luck with the project!

Chris Early, thanks again for your thorough, honest and ultimately uplifting review of THE SECRET OF THE DEVIL’S BOG. Your coverage instincts are accurate, respectful and constructive, and I can easily see why your screenwriting talents have landed you representation and shots at assignment work.

I hope I can return the favor (somewhat) by offering you my critique of this first draft of PATH OF THE WATCHMAN. It’s been a number of years since I did coverage work full time, but I do script consulting on the side, so hopefully I’m not too out of practice.

OVERVIEW & PREMISE
Chris makes no secret of his love of 80s movies (particularly sci fi, fantasy and action-adventure), and this enthusiasm permeates PATH OF THE WATCHMAN. The concept seems very much on par with the films of that era in its tale of two curious teenagers who must help a disguised time traveler return home. Wholesome, family fun with a touch of coming-of-age thrown in for good measure. I could easily see this script getting made back then.

Would it get made now? Certainly, if it were up to me and my production company, because, like Chris, I love these kinds of movies and believe in their timeless value to entertain future generations.

That being said, there’s a certain quality to this first draft…a quaintness, perhaps…that almost seems a bit too…I won’t say old-fashioned. More like…retro. In other words, sweet and earnest in its approach, but lacking in the sort of irony, sarcasm, edginess and raunchiness that characterize so many current offerings in this genre. No pseudo-documentary style handheld shaky-cam, no breaking the fourth wall or meta-discussions here…just straightforward storytelling.

Is that enough to garner a solid endorsement? I admit that I’m struggling a bit with the answer. As much as I want to like this script, and as professionally written as it is, the script is still, apparently, very much a first draft, with room for improvement in a number of areas. I suppose I’d ultimately give it a cautionary “Consider,” with the understanding that rewrites will be forthcoming.

The premise is fairly simple, easy to understand, easy to pitch. Not “sexy” by today’s standards, and maybe not all that unique, given the plethora of time traveling premises that are out there. But certainly universally appealing in its tropes and themes. I especially like the notion of a time travel inventor motivated purely by curiosity and a desire to observe, rather than alter, the fabric of history. However, this isn’t a high concept; there are no hidden hooks or sudden twists to sell the reader on the premise alone, which means the script’s execution has to do the bulk of the heavy lifting.


STRUCTURE AND PLOTTING
The overall structure of this piece is sound, with the major plot points hitting at pretty much all the right places and the story flowing fairly clearly and smoothly, and clocking in at a decent 107 pages. Individual scenes are ripe with tension and conflict, the trademark of fairly solid screenwriting.

The focus of the character action through the first and second acts is the investigative footwork—the discovery of Ernie’s true identity and purpose by Cooper and Rachel, and the army trying to track Ernie/Dr. Olivier down. While the footwork is realistic and convincing, it’s missing something in terms of sufficient set pieces. Other than a single sequence where Cooper and Rachel get chased through the snow and go gliding on trashcan lids, there really aren’t any other action or chase sequences until late in the second act and beyond. What if, early in the second act, McGrady (or Hawkins) sends a number of his underlings after Ernie/Dr. Olivier and the kids, and the underlings get awfully close to capturing them…only to be foiled at the last second, knocked out and hogtied, or otherwise outwitted?

A little more food for thought with regards to the story: could this script benefit from one additional subplot…or maybe the beefing up of one of the current subplots? The burgeoning romance between Cooper and Rachel could conceivably start a little earlier and could stand a few peaks and valleys as the two characters wrestle with their growing attraction to each other.

CHARACTERIZATION
Chris relies on tried and true archetypes for his protagonists: the hard-nosed, indefatigable cub reporter in Cooper; the bubbly and, at times, insightful sidekick in Rachel; and the clever, wise and ever-so-slightly-hopelessly-romantic inventor/mentor in Dr. Olivier/Ernie. It’s easy to like all three. However, there’s room for growth in at least two of them as well.

It’s not readily apparent what drives Cooper’s obsession with conspiracy theories. Also, it would be great if Cooper’s journalistic aspirations somehow related to something missing from his home life. His father pays virtually no attention to him, so it would stand to reason that he seeks attention from other sources as a result. Maybe he’s even got a bit of “bad boy” in him and has actually gotten in scholastic or legal trouble.

Rachel is still a bit too passive for her own good, and her self-awareness seems inconsistent. It isn’t until Cooper brings up the issue of parenting that she eventually expresses a mild degree of frustration with the lifestyle and schedule that her mother has picked out for her. In a rewrite, I’d like to see more evidence of Rachel’s growing frustration with her mother. In fact, her mother needs to be more of a presence so that she can do precisely that—oppress Rachel.

Along similar lines, Cooper’s father Ray seems mostly two dimensional, which is why Cooper, not Ray, is compelled to meet his father halfway at the end of the story in demonstrating an interest in learning auto repairs. While this change is great for Cooper’s arc, it leaves the reader feeling slightly cheated…as though Ray got off for his neglect of Cooper a bit too easily.

McGrady is a suitably gruff antagonist, though his mercenary and calculating traits could stand to be amped up. He only partially convinces the reader that he is responsible for the majority of the setbacks that plague the protagonists. Hawkins proves to be a pleasant surprise in his chameleon-like switch from enemy to ally, but perhaps he steals a bit of McGrady’s thunder in playing the bad guy for so much of the story.

DIALOGUE
The characters’ lines are perhaps the script’s strongest element, suitably pithy, enlightening and occasionally jokey…all without the benefit of crudeness or profanity. Occasionally, Cooper ends up sounding a bit mature for his age, but not so often as to be distracting.

PAGE BY PAGE NOTES:

Most of these notes pertain to minor formatting and typo issues. It would appear that Chris and I have been trained to do certain types of formatting differently (INSERT shots and putting certain pieces of text in ALL CAPS, in particular), so Chris should feel free to either take my suggestions or not. I can safely tell Chris that I’ve read literally THOUSANDS of scripts, so my formatting techniques are based on actual drafts by some of the biggest scribes in the business.

1: I suppose I’m old school, but I was taught to mention the year as a fourth element in the slugline whenever the setting isn’t present day (unless the writer is trying be deliberately ambiguous about the time period).

Also, I was taught to label voices coming from radios as (VO) and use a parenthetical underneath for (filtered) (or do a combo of (VO, FILTERED).

I also don’t specify HOUSE – BASEMENT in a slugline, but simply rely on BASEMENT to do the trick (unless you plan on featuring basements of other buildings, but even then, a dash isn’t really needed).

Not sure if you’re trying to call an INSERT shot on the newspaper headline or not…

2: Sound effects such as revving motors could stand to be in ALL CAPS (the audio will most likely be enhanced by the sound editors rather than relying on the picture cars’ natural engine sounds). Ditto for howling wind.

The slugline should be BASEMENT, not HOUSE, when we cut back to Dr. Olivier’s lab.

“It’s an emotional sucker-punch”…this is TELLING, not SHOWING. Dr. Olivier’s facial expression should really be the only thing described here.

3: Now you refer to the basement as “LABORATORY.” Be consistent when naming the location (house, basement, laboratory so far) to avoid any unnecessary confusion.

Government agents should be in ALL CAPS (we’ve heard their boots and their guns, but this is the first time we’re meeting them VISUALLY).

As for the shock wave of golden energy…ALL CAPS (at least a portion of it) as well. Anything that is going to be created or enhanced in post (sound effects, special effects, music cues, etc.) should have some portion of the sentence in ALL CAPS. So I was taught, at least.

Leo studying Dr. Olivier’s note…again, are you suggesting an INSERT shot here?

The concrete inscription is DEFINITELY an INSERT shot.

Instead of LEGEND, I typically use SUPER (short for superimposition) to deliver lower-third screen words over the image.

You might want to specify the TYPE of camera that Cooper is holding (film or digital? Still (SLR) or camcorder? Etc.).

4: Telephone company crew should be in ALL CAPS (again, these are actors that need to be cast, even if they have no dialogue…and this is the first time we’re seeing them in the story).

Why the CUT TO:? This transition is basically obsolete, since a change in slugline (or even a different line of scene description) implies a change in camera shot. Now, if you want to be more specific like a JUMP CUT TO: or SMASH CUT TO:, that’s different…but plain CUT TO: isn’t necessary.

“…fully expecting that one to grab his father’s attention…” Nitpicky, but again, this is describing INTENTION, not VISUALS or SOUND.

5: This is the last time I’ll harp on them, but in my formatting book, the closeup of the digitized image on Cooper’s viewscreen as well as the photo printout on Haywood’s desk both qualify as INSERT shots. I don’t believe INSERTS are out of vogue, either; Dave Trottier’s THE SCREENWRITER’S BIBLE mentions how to format them. If what you’re picturing is more of a medium closeup, where the camera sees both the photos and some portion of the human being who is holding those photos, then I guess you’re fine, formatting-wise…but MCUs don’t capture very fine details in the object itself.

6: “…rubs his temples with a frazzled sigh…” Strange syntax. I might revise it to something like “rubs his temples and sighs.”

HAYWOOD: Why is “The” capitalized in “The world?” Also, “You’re to write about…” A bit formal, especially for American speech.

7: How does Haywood manage to “hit the lights” if he’s still sitting/standing at his desk? Is the light switch for the classroom within reach of his desk? That being said, I like the funny “dramatic” touch of him angling his desk lamp on his own face to simulate a spooky look.

OK, sorry, I promised I wouldn’t say anything more about INSERTS…but the closeup of the post it note with Rachel’s address? That’s GOTTA be an INSERT.

8: Elderly janitor…yes, it’s Dr. Olivier in disguise, but until the moment of the reveal, he’s assumed to be a new character, so introduce him in ALL CAPS.

INT. HOUSE…I would specify the family, since this isn’t the first house we’ve been introduced to, as well as the actual ROOM of the house itself: INT. POSEY FOYER or POSEY LIVING ROOM – NIGHT. If computer software does a production breakdown of your script, it might confuse Olivier’s house with Posey household because the two locations were labeled identically…

9: INT. HALLWAY…unless we’re in outer space, underground or somewhere where there’s absolutely no way to tell the time of day, I go ahead and keeping typing the time element in the slugline: INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT or even CONTINUOUS.

I would also specify INT. RACHEL’S BEDROOM to avoid confusion with any other bedrooms in the script.

10: Would Cooper actually “shriek?”

“She’s talking so fast”…probably needs to be indicated in a parenthetical so that the actress portraying Rachel actually delivers the lines quickly.

11: “Total horror races through Cooper”…again, taking a few liberties by talking about the INTERIORITY of the character rather than sticking to the VISUALS, such as a horrified expression.

12: Rachel kissing the Justin Timberlake poster…a bit over the top, but cute and funny nonetheless.

INT. OFFICE…you might want to specify MILITARY BASE OFFICE…

A soldier with a speaking part, no less…definitely needs to be introduced in ALL CAPS…and how to differentiate THIS soldier from any number of other soldiers, speaking roles or otherwise, in the script? You might need to start numbering them (or naming them)…

“prepared to do far more than restore downed lines…” not really necessary.

14: “oblivious to sarcasm”…can you SHOW us rather than TELL us this about Rachel?

17: With regards to moving vehicle shots (in which we see and hear characters talking and performing physical actions inside a vehicle), I was always taught to state not just the vehicle, but the vehicle’s location as well. However, I see variations in this type of slugline formatting all the time, so I won’t harp on it. To me personally…a vehicle by itself isn’t a location; it in turn is always gonna be located somewhere, whether it be stationary or moving.

Same note as in a previous scene with regards to a voice, but this time over a walkie talkie…should be (VO, FILTERED), since the soldier isn’t physically present in the scene.

18: “SOVIET MIND CONTROL DEVICES EXPOSED” as a MODERN tabloid headline? It makes me wonder if this script was actually written back in the Cold War days. Not that the occasional discussion or discovery about the Soviet era doesn’t still make the news, but this reference seems a bit out of place…

20: EXT. BOILER ROOM – NIGHT…I think you meant to say EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – NIGHT since there’s no way for it to be snowing inside the building…

22: Not to insult Rachel’s intelligence, but on the other hand…is she truly knowledgeable enough to know who Dr. Olivier is?

23: EXT. SCHOOL – NIGHT…sorry, being nitpicky again, but HIGH SCHOOL is what you meant to reference. No shorthand when it comes to sluglines or else you risk confusing the reader.

24: Steve’s “night vision” is a POV shot…subjective camera viewpoint…and probably needs to be labeled as such with a secondary heading. Ditto for page 25 on this issue (the part where Steve sees the blinding flashlight).

Also on 25: Rachel’s reference to “three way calling”…teens don’t use landlines anymore, and certainly not a teen as affluent as Rachel. Come to think of it, I haven’t noticed any references to cell phones in this script…exactly HOW LONG AGO did you write this?

“It’s only a few blocks from the school”…not that the audience has any way of knowing this information to begin with…but I don’t think you need this line anyway.

26: Once Cooper and Rachel enter the alley/steep slope, we should probably get a change of slugline here as well.

Lots and lots of unnamed soldiers here…casting will have a tough time differentiating or keeping track of them all…definitely gonna need a naming/numbering system…

27: “lame high school preppie”…do teens these days even know the term “preppie?” Sounds very 80s to me…

28: I know Cooper’s frustrated with Rachel but would he REALLY leave her alone in the woods to fend for herself?

I would differentiate between the boiler room and “Ernie’s storage space,” as these are really separate rooms from one another…

29: When Cooper “continues” talking to Mrs. Grambling, there should be a (cont’d) by his character caption.

30: EXT. SCHOOL – DAY...should be EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY…

“The” phone company…

“Principle” instead of “Principal”…also, don’t summarize his dialogue in the scene description, but rather, format it within the dialogue column itself.

31: His voice trails of”…I think you mean “off.”

Rachel: “a little wierded out” should be “weirded.”

32: Librarian is being introduced for the first time, ergo, ALL CAPS.

Also , your description of Cooper’s emotions, rather than his facial expressions, is a lot more TELLING than SHOWING here.

33: Cooper: ”if we’re to make this deadline”…strange use of the contraction “we’re,” and too formal for American teens.

34: “as if maybe noticing for the first time just how attractive his ‘writing buddy’ really is”…again, a lot more TELLING than SHOWING here. Honestly, since these characters are 16, I’ve had a little trouble believing that Cooper wouldn’t have checked her out from top to bottom the very first time he met her. Sure, he’s distracted, but hey, he’s also 16 and he’s got raging hormones. In fact, this sexual tension is probably something Cooper (and possibly Rachel) should be wrestling with from the get-go.

When the bell rings, it should be in ALL CAPS (sound effects).

Closeup of the calendar: definitely an INSERT shot (OK, I’ll shut up already).

Teacher (first time being introduced) should be in ALL CAPS (also, if we’re planning to meet any more teachers, we might need enumeration/naming system).

35: Cute, funny line from Goth Kid about how he lost his grandmother as well…

37: Umm…kids don’t play Dungeons And Dragons anymore...not with MMORPG to replace them like WORLD OF WARCRAFT. There’s something you’re not telling me about this script, isn’t there? Did you write it in the 80s?

38: “The solider exits”…typo on “soldier.”

39: Rachel: “Some sort magic weapon.” I think you meant to place an “of” between sort and magic.

40: “He bites his lip”…a bit melodramatic, but I get the gist of what you’re trying to say about his facial expression.

42: Everyone in the group is crying…even Cooper? I don’t know if I could suspend THAT much disbelief. The emotional buildup to this moment isn’t quite “there” yet because Ernie/Dr. Olivier isn’t enough of a presence in the story.

43: What suddenly prompted Rachel to take a romantic leap and hint at asking Cooper to a school dance? Is it the “emotional moment” inside the museum? Up until this point in the story, there hasn’t been any real subtext between Cooper and Rachel. You would need to speckle a few more subtextual moments earlier in the story…like the one in which Cooper gets a really good look at Rachel in the library…for us to buy Rachel going out on a romantic limb.

47-49: Now HERE, I like the interaction between Cooper and Rachel a lot. Their budding romance feels organic and spontaneous.

52: So Cooper took a misstep by mentioning Rachel’s “perfect” mother, and Rachel is clearly disturbed…but she doesn’t go full throttle and actually make Cooper PAY for his mistake. Why not? Why doesn’t she at least correct his false perception of her mother…enlighten him on a few details? Oh, wait…she does, but she WAITS until they arrive at the dance together. You interrupt that moment with McGrady’s arrival, but I’m not sure why.

“Sometimes I just want to wear an old pair of sweatpants and eat my weight in chilidogs while I watch action movies and fart”…now THAT is a classic line! I love it! And I’m finally beginning to see the “real” Rachel emerge as a character.

54: Rachel: “I’m don’t really even”…typo, change “I’m” to just “I.”

55: McGrady: “ad one more feather”…typo, add an extra “d” to “ad.”

58: As Ernie’s dialogue continues, his character caption needs (cont’d) next to it.

65: “Defeated, he swallows up what’s bubbling up inside him”…again, pretty prose, but not really visual or audible information. If you want to trim the fat in this script, start with phrases like this.

71: Parents should be in ALL CAPS (first time we’re meeting most of them).

76: McGrady: “Keep him on sight…” I think you mean on “site.”

77: INT. SCHOOL – NIGHT…I would narrow the location down to a specific room or hallway…

79: Some part of the “taser” scene should be in ALL CAPS (special effects).

80: So Rachel takes Hawkins out quickly with a flurry of martial arts kicks? Hmm. Not sure I buy that. Make things HARDER on your protagonists, not easier. Extend this fight sequence. Maybe Cooper tries attacking first and gets pummeled, THEN Rachel steps in. Or maybe a combo of Cooper’s and Rachel’s efforts manage to bring Hawkins down…but in any case, Hawkins shouldn’t go down so quickly.

84: With the rear doors of the cargo truck open, wouldn’t momentum cause the Watchman to slide out of the truck as Rachel punches the gas pedal? Just a thought…

91: The cargo truck does a 360 spin and yet the Watchman manages to stay inside the truck? Again, a little hard to suspend disbelief…unless the Watchman is strapped down pretty tightly…

94: Great payoff with the reversal that Hawkins is actually on Olivier’s side, handing him the schematic instructions from Leo. Clever twist.

98: “helicopter” is missing a period at the end (the last sentence on the page).

99: Reestablish, in the slugline or the scene description, that Olivier has returned to the past.

102: INT. RACHEL’S HOUSE – DAY…I know I’m being repetitive, but narrow it down to the exact ROOM within the house…

On the whole, this script was an intelligent, engaging, fun read. Yet it’s still relatively fresh in its writing stages and could benefit from further refinement and polishes. At the very least, it’ll make an excellent addition to a writing portfolio and, optimistically, a production company with a penchant for developing more retro, clean-cut concepts might dig this one.

First of all, I gotta be honest; I didn't read the entire script. And frankly, I didn't need to. I got a good 30 to 40 pages in, and that alone was enough to formulate some thoughts.

We can ALL see the GREAT potential this concept has: 300 meets 28 DAYS LATER/DAWN OF THE DEAD/take your pick of recent fun zombie movies. There's a tremendous central question at the heart of this story: how would the Romans have dealt with a zombie outbreak? Sword and sandal epics mixed with undead apocalypse. Brilliant. I wish I had thought of it myself.

Now...you've got to take into account the audience for this movie. Fanboys who want to see swords and spears hacking at zombie flesh. THAT is the draw for this movie, so the script has GOT to deliver the goods in this regard. Let there be NO delays in the drawing of blood.

300 doesn't waste any time getting to the violence. Nor does Zack Snyder's previous offering, the remake of DAWN OF THE DEAD. 5 minutes in, we've got corpses, we've got bloodshed, we've got all kinds of hell breaking loose in both films pretty much.

How does THIS script compare? Well, within the first 5 pages, we've got a catalyst/inciting incident in the form of a Celtic priestess who "infects" a Roman centurion, Mundus, with the zombie plague. Not the most exciting scene, but it gets the job done. Check.

10 pages in, Mundus arrives at port, full zombie mode. Check.

In between those two scenes, we meet our protagonists, Hector and Marcus, and most of the major characters. Check. These are all things that SHOULD happen in the first 10-15 pages. But...

What's missing here?

Tension. The overarching sense that something tumultuous is going to happen. Yes, there's some blood spilled by Hector in a scene of character introduction that clarifies just how tough he is...but it ain't ZOMBIE blood.

What happens in the next 20 to 30 pages? I can give you a hint; it doesn't feature anything in the way of the zombie plague worsening, zombies chowing down on humans, or humans slaughtering zombies. Instead, we get a whole lot of political intrigue...and a lot of that involves TALK. Not action...talk.

Maybe all of this political intrigue is going to pay off later on in the script. I wouldn't be surprised if it does. But it doesn't matter, because beyond page 10, the writer has already lost me. In fact, the writer didn't really hook me from the start. ADEQUATE does not equal COMPELLING when it comes to plot.

Talk is the death of many scripts..and there's entirely too much of it going on in this one. The more characters talk, the less they do, physically. I couldn't care less about all the hype surrounding the upcoming battle between Hector and Marcus, or Gallus' scheming ways. I want to see the poop hit the fan, and I want it in the first 5 minutes, or shortly thereafter.

Here's one quick idea off the top of my head: instead of following up Mundus' departure from Hibernia with Hector's scene of introduction, how about we stick with Mundus' ship? Night has fallen. The crew is mostly asleep, except for Mundus' manservant. He goes to check on his master. The manservant opens the door to Mundus' quarters, finds everything in disarray...as though some wild animal had been turned loose inside the quarters. Suddenly, Mundus emerges from the shadows, fully zombified. He chows down on his manservant. Next, Optio, Mundus' second in command, awakens to the sounds of melee. He emerges from his quarters and finds ALL HELL has broken loose onboard. Mundus has bitten his manservant, who in turn has bitten other Roman soldiers...it's a bloody free-for-all. It doesn't take but a second or two for a free zombie to spot his next meal...Optio. Optio, being the well-trained soldier that he is, manages to repel or even kill his first attacker. He might even manage to hack and stab his way onto the main deck, where he discovers that the zombies quickly outnumber the survivors. From there, he could decide to do any number of things: 1)find a way to contain the zombies somehow 2)jump off ship 3)succumb to the zombie plague.

Whether you take the above suggested scene seriously or not, you've got to admit that it's a lot more exciting than listening to a bunch of Romans TALKING about the things they're going to do instead of actually DOING them.

Don't hold back on unleashing the zombie plague; it should be largely uncontrollable from the get-go. We want to see it spread exponentially. We want to see some stupid, unprepared victims succumb quickly before they've had a chance to figure out what's going on, while others--the heroes of our story, the kind of men with lightning quick reflexes whose instincts are to ACT FIRST and THINK LATER--fend off the plague, regroup, and decide on their next course of action.

Let's get to the body count, pronto.

First of all, I think Chris Early did a superb job of hitting upon the major strengths and weaknesses of this project, so anything that I add will probably sound like a rehash of his review.

It's a fun read, no doubt. The writing is slick, pithy, and polished...exactly what a Hollywood script ought to look like. Dialogue is probably the script's strongest suit, chock-full of witticisms and pop culture references for a variety of age groups.

I'd disagree somewhat with Chris Early on the evaluation of the premise. This project seems familiar to me. It reminds me a lot of THE INCREDIBLES; even though we're clearly not dealing with a family of super-powered beings, the fact that this script manages to suit up almost the entire family in order to battle the baddie, makes it reminiscent of that movie. Maybe throw in a bit of KICK-ASS for good measure...clearly, this isn't the most original concept out there. But it's cute in a "what if" sort of scenario--what if an ordinary man suddenly gained access to an entire cache of superhero gadgets? What would he do with those gadgets?

What, indeed. What we're treated to, from a structural standpoint, is a kind of haphazard plot. And if plot is a reflection of character, then maybe the unevenness of the journey stems from the ineffectiveness of the protagonist, Jim. Aside from one small admission of guilt over losing his job, he seems largely content to stay at home and play house-husband. We don't learn much about his previous occupation and we don't get a sense that he has much in the way of ambition. His wife Linda, as a result of having landed a new job, temporarily wears the pants in the family, but we're almost led to wonder if she's been wearing them for a much longer period of time.

Jim isn't alpha male/superhero material, in other words, so that leaves plenty of room for him to grow as a character. That's great, but...does he REALLY change by script's end? I have my doubts. He's saved more by gadgetry and family teamwork than he is by his own virtues. And I think the reason the writers had to rely on this solution for his arc, is because they don't have a clearly defined, formidable antagonist to CHALLENGE Jim every step of the way and precipitate his growth. Chris Early illustrates this point quite well in his own critique; Nemesis hardly lives up to his namesake. He's barely a presence in the script until page 81 onwards. And like Jim, Nemesis seems equally directionless. Who is this guy, really, and why does he want to be a villain so badly?

Unlike Chris Early, I don't have a problem with the writers' reliance on stereotypes--cliques of snobby teenage girls, stoner guitarist boyfriends, butch middle school bullies, backstabbing coworkers, etc. This material isn't going to break any new ground with its characterization because it IS comic book material in the first place. So long as the character arcs are present and generally fulfilled, this script is on track to accomplish what it needs to. However, I would agree with Chris Early in that it makes little sense for Clark to show up at school with an array of superhero weapons as a peace offering to the bullies; instead, he ought to gain some confidence from his initial victory over them, or he ought to find a way to outsmart them when gadgetry alone no longer works.

I feel like the writers struggle when trying to juggle the various A, B and C storylines...probably because they made the wrong choice in elevating Linda's work storyline to A level status. I don't agree that Richard and Nemesis should be combined into a single character; instead, I think Linda's storyline needs to be downgraded altogether, while Jim's gradual ascendance to the realm of superhero needs to be fleshed out significantly.

This all goes back to the question, what would he (Jim) DO with those gadgets? What KINDS of choices would he make? Selfish ones at first, of course, but with the guiding (mentoring) presence of the computer to mitigate those choices. To a CERTAIN extent, the writers DO show Jim exploring his options...but not nearly enough so. THIS is the MEAT of the story...what kind of a man is Jim, ultimately? Is he man enough to step into a superhero's shoes? In the ultimate wish-fulfillment fantasy, the answer would be yes...but in the current draft, he's too amorphous, too undefined, to accomplish this task alone.

There is HUGE potential in this script, despite any misgivings outlined above. But in my humble opinion, it's going to take ripping out the guts of the current draft and reworking them to resemble a more archetypal battle of good versus evil...one in which the protagonist is a tarnished diamond in the rough, and the antagonist is as strong and as clever as the protagonist.