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Notes for the Ending.
Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
Premise:
3 stars
Story structure:
2 stars
Character:
2 stars
Dialogue:
2 stars
Emotion:
2 stars
April 06, 2012
Jason I have not yet fully had the chance to read this script in it's entirety but the premise you have given by the synopsis alone is great. I did do some skimming and can say that characters need to be fleshed out better for the emotion and impact of their deaths. I have one huge suggestion and that is for your ending. Don't leave room for a sequel. Come full circle and really drive the emotional message home by making this a tragedy and something that will make people think.
You can do this with Ned making the choice to become what he has loathed and blamed for his families death by donning the Neptune suit. Ned can stop the bad guys, damage the city in the process and save Raymond Bilke's family but he dies as a result. The damage done to the city can be shown everywhere as Raymond hold's his family crying, witnessing from a helpless bystander perspective (essentially how Ned was in the beginning) all the damge done (the only difference is Raymond still has the ones he holds dear) and staring at Ned as his eyes flutter shut (finally feeling the guilt of causing Ned's loss) telling him he is sorry for everything and begging for his forgiveness. Ned opens his mouth and say's something but we don't know what is said as Raymond's cries drown it out. It leaves it open to the audience if he is forgiven or not, or maybe Ned was asking Raymond to assure him that his dark deeds of murdering people would be erased by saving Raymond's family or if he will see his family when his eyes close for good? No one will know for sure but it will be impactful and thought provoking.
Raymond could decide to let the identity of Neptune die (as no one really knew who Neptune was and Ned was wearing the suit during the showdown) and use his money and power to right the wrongs done with Ned's invention by getting it back from the military and changing their mission statement at their company to a more green perspective. He can rebuild the damage done but never undo the past and will have to live with it, hoping that maybe he is making Ned proud and earning that foregiveness. Living his life like Ned wanted to live his, making good things happen and being with his family. So essentially Ned as "A Villian" does get his wish to end the era of the "Hero" Neptune.
You can do this with Ned making the choice to become what he has loathed and blamed for his families death by donning the Neptune suit. Ned can stop the bad guys, damage the city in the process and save Raymond Bilke's family but he dies as a result. The damage done to the city can be shown everywhere as Raymond hold's his family crying, witnessing from a helpless bystander perspective (essentially how Ned was in the beginning) all the damge done (the only difference is Raymond still has the ones he holds dear) and staring at Ned as his eyes flutter shut (finally feeling the guilt of causing Ned's loss) telling him he is sorry for everything and begging for his forgiveness. Ned opens his mouth and say's something but we don't know what is said as Raymond's cries drown it out. It leaves it open to the audience if he is forgiven or not, or maybe Ned was asking Raymond to assure him that his dark deeds of murdering people would be erased by saving Raymond's family or if he will see his family when his eyes close for good? No one will know for sure but it will be impactful and thought provoking.
Raymond could decide to let the identity of Neptune die (as no one really knew who Neptune was and Ned was wearing the suit during the showdown) and use his money and power to right the wrongs done with Ned's invention by getting it back from the military and changing their mission statement at their company to a more green perspective. He can rebuild the damage done but never undo the past and will have to live with it, hoping that maybe he is making Ned proud and earning that foregiveness. Living his life like Ned wanted to live his, making good things happen and being with his family. So essentially Ned as "A Villian" does get his wish to end the era of the "Hero" Neptune.