At Amazon Studios
Find Me Online
My Work at Amazon Studios
Credits in 0 works
| No credits yet. |
More About Me
I've been screenwriting seriously for about 10 years. Even though I was told I would never land an agent without moving to California (I'm landlocked in Missouri), I believed that my writing would speak for itself and that an agent wouldn't care where I lived as long as my work was solid. In the end, I was right! I landed professional representation in Los Angeles (more than once, in fact), and my writing has been read and praised by industry professionals.
So I'm betting you are probably wondering why I'm going this route if I have Hollywood reps, right? It's simple-- I just got a little tired of constantly revising my work for one person (my manager) before others could see it and weigh in on it, which is why Amazon Studios seems pretty much perfect for me.
Two years ago, my sample work was deemed solid enough for me to be given my first assignment. I was so excited to be writing an actual assignment... until the project was cancelled 2 days after I started my work (and they hadn't even read how cool my stuff was yet)! Bummer, huh? The experience left me just a bit burned out, and though I still desperately want to write (and believe my scripts are pretty fun), I decided I wanted to try a different route. I was toying with the idea of writing children's novels when I recently discovered Amazon Studios, which I think may officially be the coolest thing ever conceived of (with the exception of 5 dollar foot-longs at Subway).
Now I plan on uploading my work here, letting you and the good folks at Amazon take a look at what I have to offer. I'm pumped about the idea of putting whatever I want out there for people to see. There's something invigorating about sharing my work in the pure form in which it was originally envisioned. I'm excited to see what happens!
So I'm betting you are probably wondering why I'm going this route if I have Hollywood reps, right? It's simple-- I just got a little tired of constantly revising my work for one person (my manager) before others could see it and weigh in on it, which is why Amazon Studios seems pretty much perfect for me.
Two years ago, my sample work was deemed solid enough for me to be given my first assignment. I was so excited to be writing an actual assignment... until the project was cancelled 2 days after I started my work (and they hadn't even read how cool my stuff was yet)! Bummer, huh? The experience left me just a bit burned out, and though I still desperately want to write (and believe my scripts are pretty fun), I decided I wanted to try a different route. I was toying with the idea of writing children's novels when I recently discovered Amazon Studios, which I think may officially be the coolest thing ever conceived of (with the exception of 5 dollar foot-longs at Subway).
Now I plan on uploading my work here, letting you and the good folks at Amazon take a look at what I have to offer. I'm pumped about the idea of putting whatever I want out there for people to see. There's something invigorating about sharing my work in the pure form in which it was originally envisioned. I'm excited to see what happens!
Reviews I've Written
The Secret Of The Devil's Bog, Luke's Original Draft
2
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
A well-written and enjoyable adventure!
May 24, 2012
Moment in Time, Lauren's 2nd Draft
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
Far too many major problems...
May 14, 2012
Lauren,
First off, I would like to thank you for the opportunity to read your script. I appreciate that you posted it here; the more scripts uploaded, the more we can learn from each other.
Secondly, I would like to say kudos for finishing a script. It's not an easy task, and though I think the end result needs a lot of work, you've clearly shown that you are tenacious enough to give this a major rewrite.
All that said, on with the review:
I want you to know that I believe in being brutally honest, as I feel it's the only way for us to improve. Please know that I've even been rather harsh to a really good script on the development slate! It's not that I'm trying to be a jerk at all-- I promise I'm not. It's just that there is always room for better!
Put simply, this just didn't work for me. The script is marred with major formatting and grammar errors, and in the end, it just seems like not much happens. I would say this script has a bad case of TPMS (The Phantom Menace Syndrome). In other words, you've got a sci-fi story that should be action-packed, but instead, it's loaded with tons of scenes of people just standing around spewing stilted dialogue. Another major problem is that you often show instead of tell.
As I read, I took notes for the first 50 pages or so. I've posted them below:
Moment in Time notes:
Right off the bat, you have grammar errors and typos. For example, “The explosion expands rapidly the original BIG BANG starts” is a run-on. You should have a period or a semicolon after rapidly, or maybe just throw in “and.” There’s more like this on the first page alone. Trust me—I make my share of typos too, but when you make mistakes like this so frequently, it’s hard to take your work seriously. At any rate, a producer certainly won’t take the work seriously.
At the bottom of page one, you have “TOM ANSEN: (57) Radio Astronomer works for SETI.” There’s a lot wrong with this, but the biggest problem is that you are showing, not telling. You need to show me something that lets me know that he works for SETI—you can’t just tell me that in the script. I might need to see him working near some sort of satellite array, listening to signals (or something along those lines). But no matter what, you can’t just tell me.
The same goes for the rest of your character intros. At the risk of being mean, I think that if I happened to be a producer, I might be finished by page 2. Just too many egregious errors.
Pet peeve: nouns of direct address. If you are addressing someone by name, you must use a comma. For example: “Not as much fun as you had last night, Professor.” I know I’m sounding like a crusty old English teacher here, and I know that scripts aren’t necessarily known for their perfect grammar, but this kind of mistake really starts to pile up.
On page 3, you immediately have another “show vs. tell” moment. You can’t just tell me they are SETI’s best sponsors. If that’s an important detail, you must show it.
At this point—and I’m still only on page 3—I’m going to have to stop addressing all the grammar errors if I’m going to finish this. Lauren, there is simply no way anyone will take this seriously until you clean up the writing. This needs a major overhaul. If grammar is something you really struggle with, it might be worth your time to ask for some outside help to clean it up some.
From this point on, I’ll try to focus on other issues:
Page 5: “He slowly washes, shuts off the water, and grabs the towel hanging next to
the door.” Why give so much detail to the simple act of stepping out of the shower? You could just say that "He steps from the shower." The script is only 86 pages, and you have a lot of extraneous writing already. It makes me think there might not be much room for a story if the whole script focuses on long explanations of mundane things.
Page 6: Does Night Eyes actually say “A low haunting chant”? I’m doubting it. Take that out of the dialogue line.
Page 6: A lot of really bad “tells.” Show me who these people are by having them do interesting things that define their character. Don’t just tell me in action lines!
Page 7: Aaron says “You did it Dr. Weston, they gave you six hours, shit it says.” That makes no sense it all. Please clarify.
Page 8: Try to avoid “POV” and “RETURN TO FULL SCENE,” (which I don’t believe is a real command). Your job is to tell the story, not to direct it. When you read the scene, you don’t really need the commands anyway.
Page 11: You are really trying to milk the joke about Jacob staring at Juliann. Don’t overstay your welcome on a joke like that. Really, the moment should be over after her dialogue at the bottom of page 10.
Page 12: Introduction of Christine. If this moment is supposed to be serious, and I think it is, why would an astronomer wear a leather jumpsuit to work? Is she also one of Charlie’s Angels?
Page 14: I know that writing dialogue for a sci-fi script isn’t easy, but this dialogue is stilted to say the least. It’s all very robotic.
Page 15: When Jacob goes outside, you need a slug line that indicates that he’s now outdoors.
Page 20: All the humor about guys checking out the girls is getting really repetitive. It’s not that funny. If you want to include humor in this story, try to broaden the spectrum of joke topics. So far, each lighter moment has been about some guy staring at some girl’s butt or boobs. Don’t get me wrong—I, too, and a pretty big fan of butts and boobs, but that single gag won’t carry the script for 86 pages if you are trying to make people giggle.
Page 21: STORY STRUCTURE. Consider this, Lauren: I’m now on page 21, which is bout 25% of the way through your script, and essentially NOTHING has happened. A bunch of people have talked about satellites and some sort of collider, a couple of guys have been caught staring at butts, and one guy might have died as the result of a total coincidence that really has nothing to do with moving the story forward. At this point, what reason do I have to continue reading? You’ve given me nothing to worry about or anyone to root for.
Page 24: If he’s ok, then what was the point of Jacob falling? That moment is completely unnecessary.
Page 26: A beat belongs in a parenthetical.
Page 31: More of the staring at girls humor. Has there even been ONE attempt at another kind of joke?
Page 32: The characters are still going on about Jacob falling. Why is it relevant?
Page 35: We’re now very close to the midway point of the script, and nothing has happened yet. Where is the conflict? Where are the plot points that push the story forward? You’ve mentioned a machine that can open a blackhole, right? Why not use it? For a script this short, act I should have ended around… maybe page 25 or so. Where’s your end-of-act I event? The big moment that propels us into act II? You can’t just have people standing around talking for an entire script!
Page 40: More sexual tension jokes. The humor does not work in this script at all.
Page 40: I’ve noticed you keep using the word “yap” in your dialogue. I’m assuming you’re shooting for “yep,” unless the characters have some sort of strange accents.
Page 43: I’m at the halfway point of the script, and still, virtually nothing has happened. Just a lot of talk.
Page 47: You’ve labeled this as a sci-fi suspense thriller, but you keep forcing the really unfunny jokes. Aside from cleaning up the myriad of editing errors, you might consider dropping the humor and focusing more on the story.
Page 55: Only 30 pages to go and the only event has been with the protestors. Essentially, there is still really nothing happening. I only see people talking about the potential for things to happen.
That's where I stopped taking notes. Even though I clearly think the script needs a major rewrite, I want to thank you again for the chance to read it.
First off, I would like to thank you for the opportunity to read your script. I appreciate that you posted it here; the more scripts uploaded, the more we can learn from each other.
Secondly, I would like to say kudos for finishing a script. It's not an easy task, and though I think the end result needs a lot of work, you've clearly shown that you are tenacious enough to give this a major rewrite.
All that said, on with the review:
I want you to know that I believe in being brutally honest, as I feel it's the only way for us to improve. Please know that I've even been rather harsh to a really good script on the development slate! It's not that I'm trying to be a jerk at all-- I promise I'm not. It's just that there is always room for better!
Put simply, this just didn't work for me. The script is marred with major formatting and grammar errors, and in the end, it just seems like not much happens. I would say this script has a bad case of TPMS (The Phantom Menace Syndrome). In other words, you've got a sci-fi story that should be action-packed, but instead, it's loaded with tons of scenes of people just standing around spewing stilted dialogue. Another major problem is that you often show instead of tell.
As I read, I took notes for the first 50 pages or so. I've posted them below:
Moment in Time notes:
Right off the bat, you have grammar errors and typos. For example, “The explosion expands rapidly the original BIG BANG starts” is a run-on. You should have a period or a semicolon after rapidly, or maybe just throw in “and.” There’s more like this on the first page alone. Trust me—I make my share of typos too, but when you make mistakes like this so frequently, it’s hard to take your work seriously. At any rate, a producer certainly won’t take the work seriously.
At the bottom of page one, you have “TOM ANSEN: (57) Radio Astronomer works for SETI.” There’s a lot wrong with this, but the biggest problem is that you are showing, not telling. You need to show me something that lets me know that he works for SETI—you can’t just tell me that in the script. I might need to see him working near some sort of satellite array, listening to signals (or something along those lines). But no matter what, you can’t just tell me.
The same goes for the rest of your character intros. At the risk of being mean, I think that if I happened to be a producer, I might be finished by page 2. Just too many egregious errors.
Pet peeve: nouns of direct address. If you are addressing someone by name, you must use a comma. For example: “Not as much fun as you had last night, Professor.” I know I’m sounding like a crusty old English teacher here, and I know that scripts aren’t necessarily known for their perfect grammar, but this kind of mistake really starts to pile up.
On page 3, you immediately have another “show vs. tell” moment. You can’t just tell me they are SETI’s best sponsors. If that’s an important detail, you must show it.
At this point—and I’m still only on page 3—I’m going to have to stop addressing all the grammar errors if I’m going to finish this. Lauren, there is simply no way anyone will take this seriously until you clean up the writing. This needs a major overhaul. If grammar is something you really struggle with, it might be worth your time to ask for some outside help to clean it up some.
From this point on, I’ll try to focus on other issues:
Page 5: “He slowly washes, shuts off the water, and grabs the towel hanging next to
the door.” Why give so much detail to the simple act of stepping out of the shower? You could just say that "He steps from the shower." The script is only 86 pages, and you have a lot of extraneous writing already. It makes me think there might not be much room for a story if the whole script focuses on long explanations of mundane things.
Page 6: Does Night Eyes actually say “A low haunting chant”? I’m doubting it. Take that out of the dialogue line.
Page 6: A lot of really bad “tells.” Show me who these people are by having them do interesting things that define their character. Don’t just tell me in action lines!
Page 7: Aaron says “You did it Dr. Weston, they gave you six hours, shit it says.” That makes no sense it all. Please clarify.
Page 8: Try to avoid “POV” and “RETURN TO FULL SCENE,” (which I don’t believe is a real command). Your job is to tell the story, not to direct it. When you read the scene, you don’t really need the commands anyway.
Page 11: You are really trying to milk the joke about Jacob staring at Juliann. Don’t overstay your welcome on a joke like that. Really, the moment should be over after her dialogue at the bottom of page 10.
Page 12: Introduction of Christine. If this moment is supposed to be serious, and I think it is, why would an astronomer wear a leather jumpsuit to work? Is she also one of Charlie’s Angels?
Page 14: I know that writing dialogue for a sci-fi script isn’t easy, but this dialogue is stilted to say the least. It’s all very robotic.
Page 15: When Jacob goes outside, you need a slug line that indicates that he’s now outdoors.
Page 20: All the humor about guys checking out the girls is getting really repetitive. It’s not that funny. If you want to include humor in this story, try to broaden the spectrum of joke topics. So far, each lighter moment has been about some guy staring at some girl’s butt or boobs. Don’t get me wrong—I, too, and a pretty big fan of butts and boobs, but that single gag won’t carry the script for 86 pages if you are trying to make people giggle.
Page 21: STORY STRUCTURE. Consider this, Lauren: I’m now on page 21, which is bout 25% of the way through your script, and essentially NOTHING has happened. A bunch of people have talked about satellites and some sort of collider, a couple of guys have been caught staring at butts, and one guy might have died as the result of a total coincidence that really has nothing to do with moving the story forward. At this point, what reason do I have to continue reading? You’ve given me nothing to worry about or anyone to root for.
Page 24: If he’s ok, then what was the point of Jacob falling? That moment is completely unnecessary.
Page 26: A beat belongs in a parenthetical.
Page 31: More of the staring at girls humor. Has there even been ONE attempt at another kind of joke?
Page 32: The characters are still going on about Jacob falling. Why is it relevant?
Page 35: We’re now very close to the midway point of the script, and nothing has happened yet. Where is the conflict? Where are the plot points that push the story forward? You’ve mentioned a machine that can open a blackhole, right? Why not use it? For a script this short, act I should have ended around… maybe page 25 or so. Where’s your end-of-act I event? The big moment that propels us into act II? You can’t just have people standing around talking for an entire script!
Page 40: More sexual tension jokes. The humor does not work in this script at all.
Page 40: I’ve noticed you keep using the word “yap” in your dialogue. I’m assuming you’re shooting for “yep,” unless the characters have some sort of strange accents.
Page 43: I’m at the halfway point of the script, and still, virtually nothing has happened. Just a lot of talk.
Page 47: You’ve labeled this as a sci-fi suspense thriller, but you keep forcing the really unfunny jokes. Aside from cleaning up the myriad of editing errors, you might consider dropping the humor and focusing more on the story.
Page 55: Only 30 pages to go and the only event has been with the protestors. Essentially, there is still really nothing happening. I only see people talking about the potential for things to happen.
That's where I stopped taking notes. Even though I clearly think the script needs a major rewrite, I want to thank you again for the chance to read it.
For Sale By Superhero, James's Original Draft
7
out of
7
people found the following review helpful:
Killer premise, fun moments, great potential--just some structural issues
April 08, 2012
First off, I would just like to say that this concept is PERFECT. I really like family-friendly comedies, and I'm pretty jealous that I didn't think of this idea myself! I absolutely love the idea of the nerdy, lovable dad getting to play with all the superhero's toys and slowly becoming the hero himself. Well done!
Now, that said, I'm going to get really nitpicky. Please take that as a compliment. If this had been boring drivel, I wouldn't have invested the time it took to write these notes. But I see a winner here-- something I would take my kids to (and something I would enjoy as much as they did, which doesn't happen enough). But as I said above, your concept is amazing, and any nitpicks I have can be worked out. Your concept is your foundation, and it's rock solid.
As far as giving notes, I am the product of my former manager in Los Angeles. He was a meticulous note-taker who shared his every thought as he read my work. Sometimes his comments frustrated me, but ultimately, his honest notes always helped. With that in mind, here we go...
Let's start off with a few things I really liked:
Overall concept is great (yeah, I've already said it twice, but it bears repeating.)
Hapless dad is funny and likeable.
Love dad exploring the cool perks of living in a superhero’s house.
General description reads well and is entertaining.
Some of the gags are a riot. I love the scene on p. 39. Jim throws the flash bomb to vanish Batman-style, and when the smoke clears, he’s still there trying to figure out the lock. That generated a belly laugh!
Love the fact that Clark found the gauntlet and used it against bullies, but doesn’t he wonder where it came from?
On page 48, LOVE the scene where the computer is analyzing Cameron’s social networks. Very funny and relevant. This is something overprotective dads do, with or without a super computer (I should know--I'm the father of a 15 year-old girl).
Page 54: Like the moment in which Clark activates the glove and it leads him to the citadel. Very cool way to reveal the secret.
70’s: I like that Robin is abusing her “daughter of a superhero perks.” This is a nice touch.
Act III: The final battle is strong. It's everything I would want in an action-packed but family friendly showdown.
CONCERNS:
Certain things don’t add up: why would a family buy a house without looking at it? Why was it so easy to get into the secret citadel?
Too many school stereotypes: the droning teacher with a desk full of confiscated items, the “cool” guy, the mean girls. It seems tired. This is largely because I've been teaching for 15 years and I've never really seen behavior like this. Yes, there are mean girls, but I've never seen them swarm and emotionally destroy a kid on the first day (but please regard this as the complaint of someone who works in the education industry--I'm sure lawyers hate some things they see in even the best legal dramas, right?).
Where is the supervillain? Yes, Richard seems like a slimeball, but 30 pages in, the only real conflict is that Linda’s coworker is a jerk and the kids aren’t fitting in at school. Where’s the big villain that ties it all together? Where is the threat? I think we need at least a hint of a bigger threat by the end of act I.
The gag with the talking butt sales pitch doesn’t work. Why would Linda go through with that? Why wouldn’t she just clearly stop the presentation and explain that someone tampered with her work? Jim is the screwball, and she’s the no-nonsense better half. Actually trying to present the talking butts seems out of character, and the gag just generally feels out of place.
By page 40, I still don’t know who the real bad guy is. If it’s Richard, isn’t Jim’s confrontation with him on 38 premature?
47 pages to reintroduce Nemesis seems way too long. We’re nearly at the halfway point of the movie, and the main villain is just now showing up? I think we need to see something of him by the end of act I, which should be around page 30 or so.
Structurally, this doesn’t seem to work. You’ve already worked to establish Richard as the slimeball of the story—why not make him a supervillain? Maybe something happens that turns him into a villain (though that seems a bit cliché), or maybe he’s already a supervillain at the beginning of the story, and his secret identity just happens to be a slimy office worker. Just a thought.
Page 50: Not sure Jim, the likeable, caring dad, would want Cameron to ask his daughter out. The dude is a rocker who is playing in a club known for drugs (according to the computer). Yes, I get that Cameron eventually cleans up his act (thanks to the hypnosis), and I get that Jim is trying to boost his daughter’s self-esteem, but hooking her up with a loser seems to go against “dad code.” It seems that a protective father might take advantage of the hypnosis spray in some other manner. I really feel like this scene would work better if Cameron wasn’t such a jerk. Maybe instead of being the jerk, he’s just the all-American Adonis athlete that only dates the best-looking girl in the school (Think Jake in Sixteen Candles). That way, when dad hypnotizes him, he’s not exposing his daughter to a possible loser, but instead, he’s getting the superstar quarterback type that any dad would like to eventually call a son-in-law. It's win-win.
Page 56: With the kids bouncing around the secret citadel, why isn’t the computer intervening?
Page 58: I like that the kids find dad’s secret lair, but why would they start painting it and selling off his stuff? They are generally likable, good kids—this seems unnecessary and out of character (they suddenly come off as brats). I think you could streamline this simply by cutting from when they discover the entrance to them surprising dad with the knowledge that they’ve discovered the citadel. Pick up right with the kids saying that dad has some explaining to do…
Page 60: I’m concerned about the introduction of the conflict. The villain, Nemesis, has really only shown up for one fleeting moment, and so far the only conflicts are secondary family issues. We’re beyond the halfway point and there’s no real threat. I can see that it’s coming, but I think it should be more clearly defined by now.
Another concern: we’re more than halfway through the script before we see Jim take on any real crime. Jump back about 30 pages. What if, instead of Jim showing up at Linda’s presentation wearing the snowsuit, he didn’t show up at the dinner at all because he was dashing to the restaurant in his ridiculous costume, trying to come up with excuses for being dressed as a superhero, when someone needed his help. Maybe he has to do something simple, like get a cat out of a tree or stop a mugger? Even though he doesn’t know what he’s doing, his gadgets kick in and he accomplishes the task. And when he doesn’t show up for dinner and misses Linda’s presentation, that builds some tension between them. And at least then we’ve seen some crime fighting earlier on.
Page 66: Again, worried about structure. Here we are on page 66, and we’ve got the gag with mom and the amnesia spray. My thought is that we should be nearing act III soon, and this is as heavy-hitting as the problems get for Jim and his family. We’re still in the “we have superhero gadgets and we don’t know how to use them, so hilarity ensues” phase, which should probably be over by the time Jim really fights crime in the previous scene.
I really think the midpoint needs to be moved up (around 50 or so), and by the mid 60’s, things need to be in bad shape. There needs to be more threat and more conflict to spring us into Act III. Why hasn’t Nemesis attacked them yet? Maybe mom has lost her job and the family is going to lose the house? These characters have to hit a low point that pushes the action into the final act. Nemesis really needs to show up here and there-- maybe he spies on the family, posing as a teacher at the school?
The moment on page 72 is a good one (with mom landing the account because of the Grim Avenger), but that seems more like a sweet bookend moment for the end of the script. I think at this point, things should still be going wrong. As I said in my previous note, we need conflict. We need low points to push the characters forward. Saving her job at this point seems too early.
Page 80: Where’s Nemesis? We’re nearly 70% of the way through the script and the main villain—if he is the villain—hasn’t made much of a dent in this family’s happiness. There’s been a lot of fun stuff in this script, but overall, it’s 80 pages of episodic fun. Where’s the threat?
Page 81: Clark is a smart kid: why would he buy off the bullies with GA’s weapons when he could just WHOOP them with the same weapons? In fact, he already has. Why aren’t they afraid of him at this point? Maybe a good arc for Clark would be that when he whooped the bullies earlier on, he scared everyone—even the good kids. Now nobody wants to talk with him (kind of like when Peter Parker beat up Flash in Spiderman—people thought he was kind of a scary freak).
Page 83: Why doesn’t Jim just tell her who he really is?
85 on: I feel like act III works the way it should; I just feel there were some bumps in the road getting there. I think this script would benefit a lot by more of an interwoven thread of Nemesis throughout the second act, and I feel like you could trim this down to a tight 105 pages or so, with your midpoint (Jim fighting the thieves) right around page 50.
SUMMARY: Killer concept, but the structure is off. I don't necessarily think every script has to hit every beat of the 3 act structure paradigm perfectly, but I really feel like by midway through act II, things need to be going bad. I know it's a family flick, and I don't want it to get too dark, but conflict is what drives a story, and aside from some minor domestic issues that are easily fixed with GA's gadgets, the conflict doesn't really kick in until late in the script.
These are just my thoughts. All that said, thanks for writing this, and thanks for making a cool contribution to the world of family-friendly flicks. We need more good ones. Good luck with this project. Can't wait to see a few issues fixed so I can take my kids to a Saturday matinee!
Now, that said, I'm going to get really nitpicky. Please take that as a compliment. If this had been boring drivel, I wouldn't have invested the time it took to write these notes. But I see a winner here-- something I would take my kids to (and something I would enjoy as much as they did, which doesn't happen enough). But as I said above, your concept is amazing, and any nitpicks I have can be worked out. Your concept is your foundation, and it's rock solid.
As far as giving notes, I am the product of my former manager in Los Angeles. He was a meticulous note-taker who shared his every thought as he read my work. Sometimes his comments frustrated me, but ultimately, his honest notes always helped. With that in mind, here we go...
Let's start off with a few things I really liked:
Overall concept is great (yeah, I've already said it twice, but it bears repeating.)
Hapless dad is funny and likeable.
Love dad exploring the cool perks of living in a superhero’s house.
General description reads well and is entertaining.
Some of the gags are a riot. I love the scene on p. 39. Jim throws the flash bomb to vanish Batman-style, and when the smoke clears, he’s still there trying to figure out the lock. That generated a belly laugh!
Love the fact that Clark found the gauntlet and used it against bullies, but doesn’t he wonder where it came from?
On page 48, LOVE the scene where the computer is analyzing Cameron’s social networks. Very funny and relevant. This is something overprotective dads do, with or without a super computer (I should know--I'm the father of a 15 year-old girl).
Page 54: Like the moment in which Clark activates the glove and it leads him to the citadel. Very cool way to reveal the secret.
70’s: I like that Robin is abusing her “daughter of a superhero perks.” This is a nice touch.
Act III: The final battle is strong. It's everything I would want in an action-packed but family friendly showdown.
CONCERNS:
Certain things don’t add up: why would a family buy a house without looking at it? Why was it so easy to get into the secret citadel?
Too many school stereotypes: the droning teacher with a desk full of confiscated items, the “cool” guy, the mean girls. It seems tired. This is largely because I've been teaching for 15 years and I've never really seen behavior like this. Yes, there are mean girls, but I've never seen them swarm and emotionally destroy a kid on the first day (but please regard this as the complaint of someone who works in the education industry--I'm sure lawyers hate some things they see in even the best legal dramas, right?).
Where is the supervillain? Yes, Richard seems like a slimeball, but 30 pages in, the only real conflict is that Linda’s coworker is a jerk and the kids aren’t fitting in at school. Where’s the big villain that ties it all together? Where is the threat? I think we need at least a hint of a bigger threat by the end of act I.
The gag with the talking butt sales pitch doesn’t work. Why would Linda go through with that? Why wouldn’t she just clearly stop the presentation and explain that someone tampered with her work? Jim is the screwball, and she’s the no-nonsense better half. Actually trying to present the talking butts seems out of character, and the gag just generally feels out of place.
By page 40, I still don’t know who the real bad guy is. If it’s Richard, isn’t Jim’s confrontation with him on 38 premature?
47 pages to reintroduce Nemesis seems way too long. We’re nearly at the halfway point of the movie, and the main villain is just now showing up? I think we need to see something of him by the end of act I, which should be around page 30 or so.
Structurally, this doesn’t seem to work. You’ve already worked to establish Richard as the slimeball of the story—why not make him a supervillain? Maybe something happens that turns him into a villain (though that seems a bit cliché), or maybe he’s already a supervillain at the beginning of the story, and his secret identity just happens to be a slimy office worker. Just a thought.
Page 50: Not sure Jim, the likeable, caring dad, would want Cameron to ask his daughter out. The dude is a rocker who is playing in a club known for drugs (according to the computer). Yes, I get that Cameron eventually cleans up his act (thanks to the hypnosis), and I get that Jim is trying to boost his daughter’s self-esteem, but hooking her up with a loser seems to go against “dad code.” It seems that a protective father might take advantage of the hypnosis spray in some other manner. I really feel like this scene would work better if Cameron wasn’t such a jerk. Maybe instead of being the jerk, he’s just the all-American Adonis athlete that only dates the best-looking girl in the school (Think Jake in Sixteen Candles). That way, when dad hypnotizes him, he’s not exposing his daughter to a possible loser, but instead, he’s getting the superstar quarterback type that any dad would like to eventually call a son-in-law. It's win-win.
Page 56: With the kids bouncing around the secret citadel, why isn’t the computer intervening?
Page 58: I like that the kids find dad’s secret lair, but why would they start painting it and selling off his stuff? They are generally likable, good kids—this seems unnecessary and out of character (they suddenly come off as brats). I think you could streamline this simply by cutting from when they discover the entrance to them surprising dad with the knowledge that they’ve discovered the citadel. Pick up right with the kids saying that dad has some explaining to do…
Page 60: I’m concerned about the introduction of the conflict. The villain, Nemesis, has really only shown up for one fleeting moment, and so far the only conflicts are secondary family issues. We’re beyond the halfway point and there’s no real threat. I can see that it’s coming, but I think it should be more clearly defined by now.
Another concern: we’re more than halfway through the script before we see Jim take on any real crime. Jump back about 30 pages. What if, instead of Jim showing up at Linda’s presentation wearing the snowsuit, he didn’t show up at the dinner at all because he was dashing to the restaurant in his ridiculous costume, trying to come up with excuses for being dressed as a superhero, when someone needed his help. Maybe he has to do something simple, like get a cat out of a tree or stop a mugger? Even though he doesn’t know what he’s doing, his gadgets kick in and he accomplishes the task. And when he doesn’t show up for dinner and misses Linda’s presentation, that builds some tension between them. And at least then we’ve seen some crime fighting earlier on.
Page 66: Again, worried about structure. Here we are on page 66, and we’ve got the gag with mom and the amnesia spray. My thought is that we should be nearing act III soon, and this is as heavy-hitting as the problems get for Jim and his family. We’re still in the “we have superhero gadgets and we don’t know how to use them, so hilarity ensues” phase, which should probably be over by the time Jim really fights crime in the previous scene.
I really think the midpoint needs to be moved up (around 50 or so), and by the mid 60’s, things need to be in bad shape. There needs to be more threat and more conflict to spring us into Act III. Why hasn’t Nemesis attacked them yet? Maybe mom has lost her job and the family is going to lose the house? These characters have to hit a low point that pushes the action into the final act. Nemesis really needs to show up here and there-- maybe he spies on the family, posing as a teacher at the school?
The moment on page 72 is a good one (with mom landing the account because of the Grim Avenger), but that seems more like a sweet bookend moment for the end of the script. I think at this point, things should still be going wrong. As I said in my previous note, we need conflict. We need low points to push the characters forward. Saving her job at this point seems too early.
Page 80: Where’s Nemesis? We’re nearly 70% of the way through the script and the main villain—if he is the villain—hasn’t made much of a dent in this family’s happiness. There’s been a lot of fun stuff in this script, but overall, it’s 80 pages of episodic fun. Where’s the threat?
Page 81: Clark is a smart kid: why would he buy off the bullies with GA’s weapons when he could just WHOOP them with the same weapons? In fact, he already has. Why aren’t they afraid of him at this point? Maybe a good arc for Clark would be that when he whooped the bullies earlier on, he scared everyone—even the good kids. Now nobody wants to talk with him (kind of like when Peter Parker beat up Flash in Spiderman—people thought he was kind of a scary freak).
Page 83: Why doesn’t Jim just tell her who he really is?
85 on: I feel like act III works the way it should; I just feel there were some bumps in the road getting there. I think this script would benefit a lot by more of an interwoven thread of Nemesis throughout the second act, and I feel like you could trim this down to a tight 105 pages or so, with your midpoint (Jim fighting the thieves) right around page 50.
SUMMARY: Killer concept, but the structure is off. I don't necessarily think every script has to hit every beat of the 3 act structure paradigm perfectly, but I really feel like by midway through act II, things need to be going bad. I know it's a family flick, and I don't want it to get too dark, but conflict is what drives a story, and aside from some minor domestic issues that are easily fixed with GA's gadgets, the conflict doesn't really kick in until late in the script.
These are just my thoughts. All that said, thanks for writing this, and thanks for making a cool contribution to the world of family-friendly flicks. We need more good ones. Good luck with this project. Can't wait to see a few issues fixed so I can take my kids to a Saturday matinee!
Favorite Movies
Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star Wars, Ghostbusters, The Goonies. Yeah, I'm an 80's movie nerd and I try to convey the sense of fun and adventure of those wonderful 80's flicks in my own work.
Influences
Richard Donner, Chris Columbus, Steven Spielberg, James Cameron, John Hughes, Cormac McCarthy, Kurt Vonnegut
Following
1 Project
Winner: Best Dialogue Track, Best Kids and Family Script
Finalist: Best Dialogue Track, Best Kids and Family Script
Semifinalist: Best Dialogue Track, Best Actor, Best Script, Best Kids and Family Script
For Sale By Superhero
(Action and Adventure, Kids and Family) James Nash
5 People
Winner: Best Script, Best Sci-Fi/Action Script
Finalist: Best Test Movie, Best Script, Best Sci-Fi/Action Script
Semifinalist: Best Test Movie, Best Script, Best Sci-Fi/Action Script
I was very impressed by the story structure and the pacing. There wasn't a single wasted scene. In general, things flowed very well.
I liked the tone as well. The beginning had a "Super 8" feel to it (at least it did to me).
A few concerns:
(But I think these are very fixable)
1. Maybe I missed something, but I felt like there was too big of a jump from the missing treasure to the Devil's Bog. One minute they are discussing the Celtic treasure, and the next minute, they are sure it's at the bog. Why? Yes, mysterious things happen there, but there's never been any indication that it might be the site of a treasure. I just felt like that was too big of a leap. I know you're wanting to get into the story quickly, but I think there should be more of a connection. Since Ally is an aspiring journalist, maybe she uncovers something about the bog that lets her make the connection. Whatever the case might be, I think there needs to be some tip off to the kids that the treasure could be there. Otherwise, they're just assuming too much.
2. Merritt sometimes comes off as too smart. He's just a kid, and I think we need to be reminded of that from time to time. Otherwise, he just comes off as an adult in a kid's body. I think a lot of that comes from his dialogue. Maybe that was what you were shooting for, but see my notes about National Treasure and the Goonies below.
3. I'm a little worried that there's no real contact between the kids and the villain until late in the story. Have you ever read Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury? Your story reminded me of that a bit. Yes, I realize they are two different stories, but the idea of the kids battling dark forces seems to fit with your story. In Something Wicked, Jim and Will meet Mr. Dark early on, and then a cat and mouse game ensues. I think you could play with that idea a bit.
All that said, I think the story rocks. Some of the action set pieces would be amazing. I want to see the bog on the big screen!
Below are the notes I took while reading. Some are just basic typo stuff, and some represent bigger issues.
PAGE BY PAGE NOTES:
p 1: Minor punctuation issue. You use a hyphen between “intensity” and “frogs.” It’s not a hyphenated word. I think you were going for a dash (2 hyphens), or you could use a colon. Not a biggie. I still understood that it was for emphasis.
p 3: One thing I really like is that your aren’t wasting a ton of lines on character descriptions. I’ve seen that a lot from scripts here at Amazon, but you're keeping it tight and to the point. Well done.
p 4: You have several description lines that look like this:
TEAL
closes the book.
I think this is fine if you are really trying to emphasize something, but in most cases, I think you could simply save yourself some page space and go with “Teal closes the book.”
p 5: Watch out for “tells” vs. “shows.” You described Eddie as a brat in an action line. Not necessary. His actions that immediately follow are all I need to know that he’s a jerk.
p 6: Maybe overusing caps just a bit much? It’s not a hard, fast rule. Just more of a style thing. I guess it’s up to you, but I think others might think it’s too much.
(And despite any nitpicks I’ve mentioned thus far, I’m already really enjoying this!)
p 8: The slugline “EXT. BICYCLES-AT SHADY CLEARING – DAY is a little odd to me. Maybe just go with EXT. SHADY CLEARING – DAY and then describe what the bicycles are doing immediately underneath?
p 12: Quick observation: you’ve got an action chunk at the bottom of 12 that is 6 lines long. I’ve been told by more than one agent that you should try to limit the chunks to 4 lines. Maybe you could start a new chunk with “He looks up from his window…”
p 17: I have a bit of a hard time believing the kids have a remote-controlled gas canister rig. Seems a bit high tech. Don’t get me wrong—I love the revenge moment, but maybe you need to come up with another way to dispense the mustard? If we had some inclination that one of them was a gadget expert earlier on (Data from The Goonies), then this would fit fine. Otherwise, I would try to simplify the prank.
p. 19: I’m a little confused. Does Ally mention the Devil’s Bog because she thinks there’s a connection to the treasure, or is she just mentioning it since Merritt says there’s nothing interesting going on in Oakwood? If she thinks there’s a treasure connection… that’s a pretty big leap. What have we seen so far that would indicate a connection? It’s a mysterious place, but I don’t think there’s any evidence it could be the site of the treasure. At this point, maybe I’m way off anyway, but if that’s where you are headed, you might need to give us a few more hints about the bog to make it believable that she would instantly think to go there.
p. 22: Would a fleet of trucks, even really BIG trucks, really cause a tremor all around town? That said, the arrival of the trucks is a neat moment.
p 27: “Theresa, getting the hint, She finishes her…” should just be “Theresa, getting the hint, finishes her…”
p 31: The water moccasin scene actually made me cringe. That’s a good moment—very creepy. You can almost imagine an entire audience gasping when they hear the HISSS.
p 32: This ties back to a previous comment. At page 32, what exactly are they exploring the bog for? Just because it’s creepy, or do they think it has something to do with the treasure? I feel like that connection still hasn’t been made. Maybe it’s coming.
p 33: Finding the drawbridge by chance doesn’t fit the spirit of a treasure hunting flick. I feel like there should be a clue, or something to showcase our heroes’ talents. The fact that Danny just happened to throw a knife into the exact spot seems like an easy way out. At the very least, maybe their brush with the moccasin could uncover something. At least that flows a little better. Maybe even killing the moccasin is what opens the gate? Like it's some symbolic act of bravery, so they are allowed in?
p 36: Merritt’s explanation of Celtic architecture. It can be hard to sell the dialogue in a story like this, because when we want kids to be our heroes, they sometimes have to take on some adult challenges. I think the explanation Merritt gives is good, but is there a way to “kidify” the language a bit? I’m not saying dumb him down, but maybe inject a couple of kidisms into this passage and others like it. Maybe a good place to insert the occasional bit of humor to break up the longer exposition. It seems like when Merritt is giving a speech like this, Danny could chime in from time to time. Think of the film National Treasure. Ben always broke into these wordy explanations of things that happened in history, and while they were essential to the plot, they did get a little dry. But Riley (who I realize some people found annoying) always interjected with something to break those big chunks up, mainly because in real life, people just don’t speak that way. I’m not saying that Danny has to assume the role of amusing sidekick, but it might be nice to use him this way from time to time.
p. 37: Same thing, this time with the translation. I get that Merritt is a smart kid (and I like his character, so don’t fool with him too much), but think of The Goonies. In that film, Mouth was the translator, and even though he was pretty good with Spanish, there were a couple of moments in which he stumbled while translating. When Merritt reads the translation perfectly, he loses his “kid charm.” It might be nice to see him have to work a little harder to make sense of it. Could be a good place to work in a little more humor.
p. 42: Here comes a more serious comment: we’re at page 42 now, nearing the middle of the script, and while we’ve seen brief glimpses of Bocanegra, there doesn’t seem to be an established villain yet. I know the main conflict is the kids overcoming the obstacles to reach the treasure (at least it seems that way at this point), but remember, the Goonies were hunting treasure, but they also had to deal with the Fratellis, and they were established as the baddies in the opening scene. Having a bad guy to compete with gives the story a ticking clock.
p. 46: I’m really enjoying the action. The script has a nice pace.
p. 53: Double cont’d on Delilah’s dialogue at the bottom of the page
p. 56: Can an oak root really be 50 feet in diameter?
p 57: I don’t know if chickening out is in Ally’s character. She’s the young reporter. She’s the go-getter. She’s the Lois Lane of the trio, right? Would she really back off, or would she go after the scoop?
p. 62: I’m not sure how I feel about Merritt cutting himself and using his blood. Don’t get me wrong—it’s cool, but as a parent, I’m wondering if this is now a little dark for a kid’s adventure flick. I get that it’s important, but I’m not sure if it matches the tone of the story.
p. 65: I get that Romancer Diversified Products are the baddies, but we’re halfway through the script and there’s been no interaction between them and the main character. I think that’s a problem.
p. 66: Format issue—bottom of 65 and top of 66 are in bold for some reason.
p. 70: It’s the 3rd straight day that Merritt has been gone. Wouldn’t an adult somewhere express concern?
p. 71: I get that kids are getting sick from the chemicals, but at page 71, it might be a little late to introduce this threat to the story.
p. 71: I like the moment with the lighter. I think your script would benefit from a few more upbeat moments like this.
p. 91: It seems to me that a mystical tree might need more than herbicide to kill it. Might the concoction being poured into the root system be some sort of dark magic potion? How could you play with that idea? Instead of kids just getting sick, what might happen? What kind of chaos might be unleashed around the town?
p. 97: I really like this moment. Cool payoff to the animal scene earlier.
100-118: All in all, I really like the end. The pacing is great, the build-up is solid, and everything pays off. Well done.
Thanks for the opportunity to read this Luke. I have no doubt that you are on the right track with this script, and a couple of tweaks can make it 5 stars all the way! Good luck!