M. T.L.

Overall, you've given the story a lot more action in this revision. There are a lot of areas you've emphasized and made clearer and I absolutely love the better version of the slug lines over the old ones, you've given it a lot more texture with your own voice.

PREMISE: The greater area of concern being changed to the baby instead of Christine is a nice touch. Although it needs reinforcement to make the baby still alive believable. Also have to be careful not to make this too much like Resident Evil. Define the feelings and the point of view of being an infected a little more as the premise which I think you did pretty well, just need to emphasize more.

STORY STRUCTURE: It's great that you've kept it pretty much in tact even though the events have changed. In the beginning, I believe the action with Kara driving home should be a little trimmed, but that's just me. Maybe there are a few things that you might have overlooked while doing the revision though, but as long as you have your hero (Kara's) flaw, her redeeming qualities, and the life-changing event, basically the story will have a foundation.

CHARACTER: I love how you've redefined Garret as he is in this revision, he seems more evil and he has great moments here also. The only thing with Garret is you might've made him more one dimensional, his near death experience in the old draft showed his weakness and until he found more drugs and got the mutation, this scare made him realise how he needs others as some kind of extra protection. Having said that, you've also given Garret a stronger motivation and define why he is a bad person. Same with Kara and Frank, you've given them another layer and dimension. Christine and Ashley however I think have lost a little bit of their characteristic and arc. Lol, you must like Drew by making him live longer hehehe.


DIALOGUE: There are also things you have to be careful of. I noticed in some dialogues you were reverting back to your old way of writing .... .... in there and also some of the character's diction bleeding to other characters. It's nothing major but noticeable.

EMOTION: Again, you made the emotions stronger in a lot of ways, most especially the sadness and anger in Kara. The guilt in Frank. The feeling of freedom in Garret. Drew's cowardice. Now all this needs is a little uplifting moments in the scenes. Little things like music and candy to lift up the mood I believe can be a powerful thing to envoke feelings in an audience. It's not that major of an issue but I'm a big believer of putting your audience through a rollercoaster of emotions. happy-sad, angry-guilty, nostalgic, etc...


Overall I really liked this version. It has opened my eyes to so many aspects of the old draft that needed improving and some aspects that I truly missed not being there. There are a lot of moments that really filled the void in my old versions too. I would love to really polish this version, working with you (Joseph) and really see your vision and the original vision combined, then see great we could make this script ;)

Hi Steven,

First of all I am reviewing this based on an audience perspective and not a writer so I'm not gonna pick on spelling, grammar, format and all that technical stuff with the physical writing.


I'M RATING THIS 3 1/2 STARS OVERALL AND HERE IS WHY -> I love the idea of what this could be, but needs a lot of work to be structurally sound. I think it has great promise to be a good comedy.


PREMISE - VERY GOOD
If we base the concept on a carnival comedy and what funny things could happen in this setting, I'm all over it. To make this story high-concept, there needs to be something so special about this carnival that people are actually flocking to it though. Maybe Re-Mac is a master promoter who gives the carnival a big hype etc.


STORY - FAIR/GOOD
There are still a lot of major flaws in your storyline. I highly suggest you write do the beat sheet for this and study how each beat fits into the overall structure and how good it holds.

In your first ACT: You introduce the hero, what is his flaw/inner conflict? what is his redeeming qualities? What is his motivation? To make it high concept, his flaw should stop him from successfully achieving his goals. you have set up the opponent pretty well and showed the opponent's motivation, but your hero seems a little lost with what he's supposed to be. At the end of your first act, you should have the opportunity or threat present itself to Re-Mac. Then he would have to make a decision whether to accept the opportunity/ take on the threat.

Right now Re-Mac needs to have a better position in the carnival, I'm thinking an event organiser of some sort, somebody in charge of organising or being in charge of the people and the affairs in the carnival. This way Re-Mac would have a better position to be involving himself and has a reason to be around Theo and the Mayor when they do meetings. Roscoe would also be more jealous of him having Re-Mac as his superior when Re-Mac is only a newcomer while he has been in the carnival for so long and this newcomer is his boss.

The opening of the screenplay would also be more tightened if Re-Mac is hired as somebody to organise / manage the carnival. Instead of having loose and drawn out scenes, you could put all the carnies' introduction in one single scene, when Theo shows Re-Mac the staff that he has to "supervise"/organise in one single walk through of the carnival.

In regards to finding his flaw, you could try to think of something that would prevent Re-Mac from successfully "winning" if he doesn't let go of this flaw. Maybe he is prone to bribes to save his dying mother and he stole from his old work and got caught? Maybe something that Sebastion will use to entice him or to frame him? I dunno. But having a flaw I think is crucial to give your hero some kind of a dilemma. Also, it's very unlikely that someone would talk about their criminal record to people they just met, especially new work mates. It's just not very smart and strange.

ACT2: Your current script has a very messy ACT2 full of scenes that doesn't really move your story forward. It's too focused on Gwyn and Re-Mac being into each other like teenagers. An exercise on how to make your ACT2 in line is this: AT the end of ACT1, your hero learns of a threat/opportunity like the Mayor needs to make the carnival successful in order to save the lakeside, then your hero must act on it with the help of his allies. So on the start of your ACT2

Re-Mac would have 2 goals - objective and subjective. Subjective is his emotional journey to overcome his flaw, but he is not aware of this since in his mind he is in denial that his flaw affects him. The objective would be the actual physical journey of achieving the goal.

Having a plan would greatly improve the flow of your 2nd act. I would minimise the romantic scenes with Gwyn. Make your hero work harder to get her love. Since the motivation would be is to get her approval of him. She seems a little too easy.

ACT3: Not as bad as Act2, but still has a lot of inconsistencies. Re-Mac just pulling a solution out of thin air, the Sheriff a little too gullible to leave the station to chase a Carnie, Kedra just spilling everything jeopardising her future, etc. These things along with a few other things in ACT 2 seemed already set-up for the characters. Like they were put in that situation instead of them deciding it for themselves. It seems forced if you know what I mean.

CHARACTER- FAIR/GOOD
your characters are pretty good, there is no character that I think you should take out. I do think that you should define your main characters a little more though. Like Theo as the carnival owner needs to be a little more in the background leaving Re-Mac in charge, gwy maybe in charge of the hotel and have Re-Mac and Gwyn interact through the relationship of the carnival and the hotel and maybe even have Re-Mac know the band as his high school friends and have them stay in the hotel, something like this would give Gwyn a better position other than just the mayor's daughter who likes to hang around carnivals.

Re-Mac needs to have some kind of will to do things and be a leader, again having him as the manager/events coordinator would reinforce this.

Roscoe needs to be more of an antagonist and maybe have him as the one sabotaging the rides. Kinda hard to believe that hoodlums can tamper with the machines when people are around them all the time. Just a suggestion.

Sherman at first I thought was funny but didn't add much towards the story but still funny, maybe have his camera pick up vital information that could be used as an evidence against Roscoe or the Sheriff talking with Sebastian on the phone saying stuff.

Toothless Hag is pretty funny. Broadway is funny but can be better.

Sebastian is pretty good as an antagonist, maybe take it up a notch and have him send bulldozers ready to go just to show how cocky he is.



DIALOGUE- FAIR/GOOD
You have a lot of stray dialogues that you can do without. Like in the beginning lines like - "have a seat" - when Theo was already gesturing Re-Mac to take a seat, "I'm Theo." - when Re-Mac already knows who he is and went to see him, etc.


EMOTION-FAIR
What this story lacks is the up and down of emotions. You have the up parts like the gang having fun in the carnival etc. but I think you should add some fear or sad moments when the carnival gets threatened, devastated, it should put their spirits down, also there is no real low point. When you have Sebastian seem like he's won at one stage and everyone is ready to quit then a solution comes along in the form of Kendra maybe who could turn things around for them but keep in mind to have your hero do most of the saving or at least be the leader to win this battle. You have this in the story but as it is seemed too laid out for them. Like you, the writer, solved everything for them instead of them taking things in their own hands. ALso don't forget that your hero needs to also either win/lose his inner conflict.


OVERALL- there are some parts that are very funny to me, like the old hag scene and the midget scene, I am a sucker for midgets. Learn to incorporate scenes with plot points, so each scene would have a purpose. After that find ways to make things funny in those scenes, or sad whatever you can do accordingly.

ALSO: I thought it would b e funnier if the STONER wonders if SHERMAN was a moving doll "Hey, did is that doll alive?" etc.


There it is I hope this would give some kind of insight. If you have any questions or you think I misunderstood anything in your story or want me to elaborate on what I mean with certain things feel free to PM me.

Keep at it, I think you have a great idea overall!

regards,
m.t.l.

Hi Dan,

First of all, I am going to review your story based on how I envisioned it as a movie as you describe the events in your screenplay. I'm not gonna pick on any grammar or spelling issues or typo's you can easily do that yourself.

PREMISE - VERY GOOD
I'm a big fan of horror and anything creepy in general. I'm not sure how marketable this kind of story is at the present time but I will give it 4 stars just because I could imagine myself renting this out on DVD on a saturday night. The lack of 1 star is due to the fact that I believe it's still not as high concept as it CAN be. This would be connected with your current story structure which is next.

STORY STRUCTURE - FAIR/GOOD
There are more than a few things that you lack and/or not well defined in your story that I think is crucial to make your script stronger.

First Act, your hero's flaw seems too focused on her physical handicap. Since she is what the audience would ultimately sympathise with, give her a stronger inner conflict. This would give the life-changing event a bigger impact on your first act.

Second Act, I've always organised my ACTs as Blake Snyder called is - Thesis, Anti-thesis and Synthesis. Very spot on and easy to remember. Personally, I divide my 2nd acts as Chaos & Order.

The first act is the normal life, the life that will remain the same if the life-changing event didn't happen. The second act is the upside-down version of the first act.

The first part of 2nd act is when it's chaotic - your hero still clings on to her flaw and doesn't fully let go. She will disappoint her ally and put the ally or an idea in danger due to her not letting go of her old way of thinking. Then 2nd part of Act 2 is Order, when your hero finally let's go and renews her determination to achieve her goal. So having a clear goal in the beginning of ACT 2 is important. There has to be an objective goal and a subjective goal. Subjective being her emotional journey. Because your hero's inner conflict/flaw is not as strong for me, then it affected the 2nd ACT in my opinion.

Third ACT, is the resolution, your hero, having found out the true motives of her uncle and identity of Thule, now must find a way to fight back and save her father. The villagers torturing him with rats seemed a little too far fetched for me. It didn't count towards anything of importance to me anyways, just random shocking moments. I know it's fun to have these kind of moments for some people though so it's up to you really.


CHARACTER - GOOD/VERY GOOD
I have enjoyed the characters for the most part. Except the uncle needs to be BADDER! No such word but at the moment he's not as hate-able or scary as he should be. He's evil! and it should show more coz there were too many times when I actually... liked him.. :O


DIALOGUE - VERY GOOD
Your dialogues are perfect if not flawless. I have nothing to pick here.


EMOTION - GOOD
Roxi could really use a lot more sad moments. She has so much potential to be a real tear jerker but it seems that her emotional bar is restricted. I grew up without knowing my parents and I know how painful it is. Especially when she finds out Thule is highly likely her father - you should really expand that on an emotional level. Having said that, I also think the fun she has with Thule has the same restrictive feeling. I think you should let them go and have more fun when they can. The higher they go the harder they fall. This would contribute to the roller coaster of emotions that can be very powerful to have in a story.


OVERALL - GOOD/VERY GOOD

Strength
I love the feel of texture by adding details in the story, for me it gives a connection to the audience on a personal level. I think the newer movies nowadays lack that. Your story has enough texture and details to make an audience have a feel of being there in the story.

Weakness
The storyline wanders around at times, making the overall structure a little "wobbly". This would be no issue if you can find a way to reinforce your plot points, and main ideas and this would support the entire story and allow some of the scenes to be more relaxed.


thanks for a good movie!
Please point out anything I might have misunderstood and feel free to ask me to elaborate more on things that doesn't seem clear to you and I will PM you.

regards
m.t.l.

This is my favorite version so far, story and structure wise. I've only scanned through the beginning and the end and some of the middle to get the idea. Based on that here's my thoughts.

I think besides the classical music theme, it could benefit from a different setting, perhaps a different time period or something similar to make the "mystery" more intense in comparable to the community. I just don't think a small fishing village is in proportion to the magnitude of the protagonist. I dunno, kinda like If I'm an ogre who could kill a shark, why play around with tadpoles? Unless there's something I really need to read lol.

Dialogues and Characters: the Foundation is there they just need to be fine tuned, maybe their occupations moved around a bit.

Emotion: Needs more ups and downs I think. But thats something that can be added.

Overall the basic skeleton of the story is here, you have done the vertical work, now the tedious horizontal editing and tweaking that matters.

I'll read into this more and think about it.

... Maybe an early 1900's or something time period would be more terrifying hmm.. we'll see

regards
Maria :))

I didn't see that coming that was pretty cool :D 5 star! THIS WILL BE HUGE!!! lol

Hi Jeff,

Before anything I just wanted to say that my review is based on being an audience and not a screnwriter since I myself don't have experience as a screenwriter.
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Premise: I love how Dante's Inferno is adapted to a modern day setting. You have excellent scenes that really grabbed my attention. The beginning of your script is a bit of a drag however, i had to fast forward to around page 20ish when they mention Dante's Mistakes that he has to fix. There is a lot in your script that you could do without, there are a lot of "meh" bits, Nevertheless You have something here, something unique and I would love to see a more concise version of this script that focuses and explores the premise instead of being led astray by unnecesary scenes and extra long, repetitive dialogues. For your wonderful idea of a story I'll give you 5 stars *****

Story Structure: The whole idea of saving Beatrice in the beginning needs some fine tuning i think... I didn't really feel the "urge" to save her since she seemed fine and alive enough that Dante has to go with some weirdo on an unknown journey. You even wrote that yourself in their dialogues. And I agree with them. Maybe keep beatrice unconscious in a mysterious way that makes your hero WANT to go and find out why she is like that and how to save her. Make your goal clearer, on what has to be done on his physical journey and also his emotional journey. The ending also is kinda wobbly I think, you need to ground and nail that Dante's Faith is strong enough it's not the rosary as an object that they are scared of? Overall the story for me is there but needs to be carved out to stand out a bit more. 3 stars

Character: You have good charaters, but like other things in your script that also needs refining. The characters appear not motivated at some points. In the beginning where Dante goes to the church, you are irritating him too much, especially with Virgil and Dante chemistry. They are going to be enemies, of course but save that to the reveal at the end. I felt annoyed by both Dante and Virgil in the beginning acting neither not very good friends nor very good enemies. Reading from the beginning of the scene to the end of the scene Virgil and Dante both sounds like the same people as they were in the beginning. 2 stars.

Dialogue: There's a lot of dialogues here that (to me) don't contribute towards moving your story forward nor towards your characters arcs, etc.. I know you are trying to recreate the conversations in Dante's Inferno and I think that is great and you shouldnt take those off but you have to be careful that those side scenes don't derail your story by giving them too much dialogues. I can see that you are trying to cramp as much of Dante's Inferno in your story as possible but that is just imposible and you are cramping your script and it's overwhelming your real story. Also The dialogues of beatrice made her sound like a little 7 year old girl i agree with the others. 2 Stars

Emotion: This once again goes with the dialogues and the characters that if you stitch together tighter, will eventually be woven together nicely. The good thing is that I could see there are emotions in your characters but they seem constricted. As if there is somehing holding them back. The dialogues can also show this if you focus on it. Change some of your dialogues to show what the characters feel coz to me most of what your characters say are too informative of the backstory/past instead of focusing on the present and what they feel in the moment. 2 stars


In General you have quite a good story there. You have all the elements of a hero, his flaw his objective and his subjective storyline and a good antagonist but still needs to be brushed and polished . I would love to see another draft where you have identified key points in your script and make them shine, don't drown them in dialogues and side stories of others.

Hope that helps and thanks for sharing your story. It's very interesting, I actually have a short story that also has the Lion, wolf and leopard in the beginning also I will share to you when I eventually write it hehehe. Good job.


EDIT: CHEAP SHOT? -- if you didn't read my review of the premise i gave it a 5.... how is that cheap shot what do i gain from giving a 3 star review? NADA. I didn't skip the first few pages i read is faster..... I knew what happened to beatrice and how she was attacked by the wolves I was just saying what your character ALSO THOUGHT, why should I? thats what he was thinking... sorry if I didn't like it, If you want me to remove it i would.

BTW cheap shot is calling me a cheap shot because i didn't give 5 star? EDITED

love Maria