Chris Macca (Brighton)

After reading this, i was left with that 'feel-good' factor, which is important for your audience. I enjoyed being part of that journey, despite not being obsessed by "tech-know world" some love. ;)

The characters are good and they work well as a unit. The dialogue is good, yet needs more impact and personality, with some commentary upon a broader sense of perspectives of the world. I understand their way's, yet it was the journey and tribulations i related to more.

The story and linear narrative is logical and progressive. There are some opportunities for additional comedy and such events would give a comical feel and understanding to all the characters.

With some characters their particular dynamics are one-dimensional and seem inserted for the sake of variation, not the character as an individual - Jeff is gay and no-one remotely picks up on it!?

Vince and Vy are archetypal and functional baddie roles and would benefit from having their own tics and distinct mannerisms. D'Mario would also benefit with this type of development.

Maybe a play on the perceived expectation from Owen as to who D'mario is or what he looks like - then you could turn that on it's head which add layers to their dynamic. What Owen imagines, is what D'Mario is - so maybe his fb profile can be disguised, so everytime Owen imagines D'Mario he can be different until the big reveal; which could run until the final showdown between them both.

Owen's backstory and motivations need addressing. Rishi is a good character, but has more development and backstory than Owen, so that needs to reverse, in order for the main protagonist to have the right kind of arc with which the audience will relate. Mobu is underused, yet has lots of potential to add. Jeffpants is funny, but i don't know why he's called Jeffpants??

I feel adding some physical humour would give the comedy more depth, plus a cheekier and cerebral sense of humour would be great too. Developing everyone's individual dynamics with one another would bring all the characters out and would bring more plausibility to their motivations and their interactions and the story as a movie.

The biggest change needed is running time - get it under 90 mins/pages. Be more concise and economical with your story; 111 pages is too long for this type of comedy! Obviously there are exceptions to any rule, yet those are established for a reason...because it works better that way.

Potentially a very good comedy road movie, get the character dynamics and the script length right and I'll go get the popcorn ready :O

Very interesting concept and reading the synopsis made me want to read your script.

Having read it, I have some constructive criticisms for you;


- The opening few scenes needs more building in different aspects of 'The Returners', instead of repeating the scenes. Also, takes 15 pages before we hear anyone say 'The Returners'!

- Your characterisations really need work to bring some added depth. Watch and read "Network, The Insider" etc to get a newsroom feel for those particular scenes. Also 'Knowing, Signs' and any other disaster movie for the slow build, pay-off etc.

- The dialogue is ok, yet needs to be more concise and more tailored to every character. Also, with particular emphasis towards the gravity/weight of particular scenes.

- The scene in the UN and the delegates is frustrating and would be better served to with each delegate finishing their sentences. You can still have that 'talking over each other' set-up, but not knowing what anyone is actually fully saying isn't good.

- You're 'Telling' rather than 'Showing' alot - that needs work.

- Having unrest/tensions only between certain countries is limiting - broaden the scope (Global).

- Having the World War so close to 'the returners' event pushes it to a secondary element. So if you push the 'World War' to the background by a few months, with there being somesort of countdown, which can also be brought by 'The Returners' - hence their arrival.

- CIA agents being referred by first names..wouldn't it be more like "Agent ....." ??

- All the different events...rainbow rain, lightning storms - should having differing degrees of impact, which build towards a climax/pay-off..maybe some biblical references also might help.

- Instead of people singing 'hymns of the republic'(??) in the bar scene...Maybe add some humour and some satire. Have them singing the theme tune to 'Cheers' - the right kind of humour goes a long way to selling a story!

- The 'Last Returner' should return in lots of different locations at the same time - multi-dimensional or something of that sci-fi/fantasy nature!

- The end is poor, with no real pay-off, any real resolution to whats the film about and what the lesson learnt is!! (Maybe the people who chose to go to War all died and all their weapons were destroyed from it; The peole who repented and wanted nothing more than to live, got their wish.)



I know reading all this you might feel it harsh, yet take it as - "I cared enough to sit on my ass for a couple of hours to read, review and give feedback on your work!" :)

Loved the concept and premise, yet feel some of the basic are way-off! The ending isn't dramatic enough!! The characters and dialogue lack depth and emotion.

I feel if you worked-out such flaws, then it would be a really great film, as the only newly risen dead I've ever seen in films/tv, are the ones who scare or eat you - it's refreshing to have an original concept for once!

I hope this helps and I had wanted to sign-off with a 'this is my two cents' but I'm a good few bucks over that already!? :O

Good luck :)