About
I'm a toy and game designer, with a background in art, animation and video game design. I had the privilege to work on the computer game incarnation of Nickelodeon's "Are You Afraid of the Dark" game for PC-CDRom, back in the heyday of full-motion video in games, and I got to work with Chicago's legendary Post Effects on the video production. Ever since, I've had an itch for film production I've been looking for a way to scratch.
This is my first serious attempt at a writing project in a very long time, and my first attempt at a screenplay ever.
I live in Northern Illinois with my wife, two wonderful kids, some raccoons who chase us out of the yard every night and two carnival goldfish who appear to be immortal.
A few notes I jotted down as I was reading it:
1) awesome opening with the kidnapping rescue, but I'm not sure its necessary. It does pack a terrific punch, and it worked well when I read it at the beginning, but by the climax it didn't seem like tied in to the overall plot. It could certainly be compressed a bit
2) consider not showing the creature right away- it might be better to hold back on completely revealing full horror of the toad/tongue monster until later.
3) awesome! I'm really liking this!
4) I know it complicates things, but it seems to me that, when Dr. Meridians' office gets broken into, Angela would naturally suspect John. From her perspective, he just basically announced that he was stalking her daughter.
5) You've got an ELISE or two on the bottom of page 79- looks like an artifact
6) Solid climax! You might want to place more hints about them needing moisture earlier in the plot- right now it comes a bit out of the blue.
7) The epilogue works, but it's a bit formulaic. Maybe instead of just another appearance of the creature you can craft another horrific note to end on. Perhaps you could find a way to suggest that one of the monster kids we met in the story escaped the flames, and is transforming into a new Jodie creature. You've subverted the usual horror story very nicely, I'd love to see you twist the ending the same way.
Great work, congrats!