Randy Caba

First, let me say that I loved your trailer. It made me want to see your Red Rain movie! It was very cinematic without revealing much about characters or story other than an innocent little girl is in grave danger because Red Rain is killing people – perhaps even her mother who she casually steps over. Then when an infected man's hand GRABS her... yikes! Good stuff.

However, the rtf version of the screenplay opens with no character development but a long 'hook' that I feel that hampers the story. It begins with Doctor Akvia Suresh from the Ministry of Health greeting handcuffed Doctor Wysol.

Unfortunately, we know nothing about Wysol because his character isn't introduced. We don't know anything about him except that he's a doctor and that is revealed in subsequent dialog. Give us a little information about Wysol before the dialog so we can visualize him. Is he old? Young? Tall? Over weight? Maybe you could sum him up with one sentence like: Doctor Wysol, a sharp-looking, lean man maybe 30ish. You introduce the Ackermans well. Give Wysol the same. I read your synopsis to discover that Wysol's first name is David.

This is about structure. The story has a 9-page hook before credits roll then another 3 pages before our main characters are introduced. A more developed First Act with a little less hook and a little more back story and character introduction might better warm us to them and make us more sympathetic to their plight.

How about describing then showing Wysol handcuffed in the SUV carrying on a brief but pointed conversation with his soldier kidnappers? That way we see early his engaging attitude and understand his predicament before he arrives at the clinic. Then when he absolutely takes control of the clinic investigation, it's something we expect from him. And when all hell breaks loose around him, we're concerned for his safety. His return ten years and some 60 pages later will have more impact too.

Also consider showing the Ackerman's relational friction while they're packing their bags before the road trip. Then more conflict along the way. That way we SEE the Ackerman's strained marriage and so when we hear about it in other's dialog, it confirms and deepens what we witnessed. And Gordy needs more play within the tale too or think about cutting his part. Maybe the Ackerman's can just show up at the cabin with keys in hand then hear about the coming storm on TV, the radio or from Dare's speech to the other campers. Or show Gordy's plight during the first Red Rain fall. Maybe he sees several infected Elk run by dripping Red Rain, fur and skin. He puts it together then wants to go help the Ackermans. But running to his truck, he succumbs to the Red Rain.

An earlier hint as to the coming meteor shower would be nice too. Maybe have it playing on the news while the Ackerman's pack at home or on the radio in the car. A little foreshadowing would go a long way here. Maybe make it a rare event, the rarest or biggest meteor storm in over a thousand years. Perhaps there's even some legend behind it... a small remote village was wiped out by an evil storm that befell them after the meteors were witnessed miles away. But it's all only legend... right?

I'd like to see the campers all gel a bit more too. Why not let Dare take them on one day trip hike and see more of the beauty Oregon has to offer. I grew up there. Lots of gorgeous areas. That will make the Red Rain event even more of a tragedy as it kills our kindred campers among all the beauty.

I have a problem with the infected going mad then dying within a few hours yet they're organized. Seems they wouldn't live long enough to organize. Maybe you meant that they behave like they're organized? Or have a common instinctive goal like zombies do? Sophie's only 11? I think 13 to 15 might be more believable but that's just an opinion. And Wysol – rhymes with Lysol? Yet he doesn't disinfect. Just adding a bit of humor there.

Editor's Notes:
rtf page#
55 ShANNON Honey, what's wrong.(?)
67 Ed doesn't scream, or cry out, he simply starts do (to) dissolve.

To sum up:
Red Rain is somewhat like John Carpenter's The Thing. But it's budget minded with few special effects and has a straight forward, well-paced plot once it gets going. And you write action well. The concept is high too “We All Fear The Unknown – Red Rain Is Unknown and Unusual – We Especially Fear The Unusual When It Maims Then Kills!”

But it's my humble opinion that the story would benefit by trimming the hook to maybe 3 to 5 pages. Show us what Red Rain does but don't explain too much at the start. Let that information trickle out as the story unfolds by showing it then maybe some in character dialog as observations. Also consider developing the main characters more before we launch them into the Red Rain nightmare. Or is it a newfangled dogma? Those soaking in it believe so. (reviewer says with a red toothed m&ms smirk)

It's raining cats-n-dogs as I write this. Love it. Glad it's the clear type though. Or am I immune?

Hope this review helps.

~Randy