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Very interesting take on a super-filled universe
Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
Premise:
4 stars
Story structure:
3 stars
Character:
3 stars
Dialogue:
3 stars
Emotion:
2 stars
May 11, 2012
Jason, you're a gifted writer and I loved this unique perspective in a hero-centric world. Your overall story structure is clean and easy to follow and I thought you tied things together very well. A bit gruesome at times, but I suspect that's the gritty story you intend to tell. I felt there were elements of Robocop, Ironman, and Punisher; maybe some Kill Bill as well? Excellent use of irony in the end: Ned dawning the suit and causing the very theatrical destruction he's trying to prevent.
A few notes: The flashback sequence was out of place and not necessary--especially since your story has been entirely linear up to this point. I'd also suggest bringing in the wife and daughter sooner, not just in pictures. If you brought them in sometime when Travis is around, you can effectively up the ante--the audience will have a visual connection to see the 'hostage' moment is a little more personal for Travis as well.
[spoiler] Also, speaking of Travis--I understand Ned has already made up his mind, but shouldn't he show some kind of reaction to realizing his boss, dare I even say friend, is the man behind the mask? This scene felt a little contrived; it felt as though you were blowing past it to get to the next big beat?
[spoiler] There needs to be more emotion from Bilkes when his wife is shot--I mean, c'mon his wife is shot--twice. I know you're trying to not reveal it's him, but anyone would react to that; plus, it's not hard to guess who's under the mask at that point.
I have to agree with Ryan's comment about not leaving the story open for a sequel. I'm guessing, in a way, Ned's character begs redemption--maybe he is not directly asking for it, but you, as a writer, are requisitioning it. Otherwise he wouldn't have worn the suit to save the family and city. I don't see any other way to offer redemption than through giving his life to undo his doing. Essentially he did just that, but you reveal he's not dead, which defeats the audience's moment of catharsis. We may think 'Yea, he's not dead', but then we think 'he should still be punished for what he's done.'
Obviously these are just suggestions, there are countless ways you can go. Great work, I really enjoyed it!
A few notes: The flashback sequence was out of place and not necessary--especially since your story has been entirely linear up to this point. I'd also suggest bringing in the wife and daughter sooner, not just in pictures. If you brought them in sometime when Travis is around, you can effectively up the ante--the audience will have a visual connection to see the 'hostage' moment is a little more personal for Travis as well.
[spoiler] Also, speaking of Travis--I understand Ned has already made up his mind, but shouldn't he show some kind of reaction to realizing his boss, dare I even say friend, is the man behind the mask? This scene felt a little contrived; it felt as though you were blowing past it to get to the next big beat?
[spoiler] There needs to be more emotion from Bilkes when his wife is shot--I mean, c'mon his wife is shot--twice. I know you're trying to not reveal it's him, but anyone would react to that; plus, it's not hard to guess who's under the mask at that point.
I have to agree with Ryan's comment about not leaving the story open for a sequel. I'm guessing, in a way, Ned's character begs redemption--maybe he is not directly asking for it, but you, as a writer, are requisitioning it. Otherwise he wouldn't have worn the suit to save the family and city. I don't see any other way to offer redemption than through giving his life to undo his doing. Essentially he did just that, but you reveal he's not dead, which defeats the audience's moment of catharsis. We may think 'Yea, he's not dead', but then we think 'he should still be punished for what he's done.'
Obviously these are just suggestions, there are countless ways you can go. Great work, I really enjoyed it!
Spencer