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Lost Boys with werewolves! Great Idea!
Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
Premise:
5 stars
Story structure:
4 stars
Character:
5 stars
Dialogue:
5 stars
Emotion:
4 stars
June 14, 2012
Very cool script! A modern day Lost Boys, but with werewolves. Really dig it...brisk pacing, fantastic action set pieces, and unique and interesting characters with troubled pasts and clear and distinct voices and all with sympathetic qualities.
Writer's voice is also unique, arranging words and phrases in a way that gets the reader excited about the material. As a former reader for Lionsgate, this script would get a double stamp of approval.
I have only a few suggestions, so take from them what you will and ignore the rest...
I haven't been tracking the iterations of this script, so I'm unaware what has been touched on and what hasn't. So forgive me if these notes have already been addressed.
1) Is the Boy character really necessary? I think you can consolidate the Boy and Mario characters. Mario could be Tyrell's main dog, almost like an apprentice. As if Tyrell's grooming him (man, there's a lot of puns at play here) to be Pack leader some day. But when Mario has a change of heart, it makes the betrayal so much more potent. Then it becomes a battle between master and apprentice.
2) I'm not sure killing gangsters should be the mission of the Pack, simply because they refused to admit the pack members into their gangs before Tyrell found them. It almost makes me want to root for Tyrell and the others because they're cleaning the street of scum, much in the same way Batman does. That becomes tricky, because then I find myself rooting for both sides. Now, if they were killing innocent civilians; the middle to upper class folks who have been rejecting these street kids since they were born, then maybe my problem with that element would go away.
3) I forget the name of the former pack leader (the one Tyrell usurped). I found myself intrigued by this character and wanted to know more. Ever think about him making a reappearance? Instead of having Tyrell kill him in the past, maybe he just ran him off in a moment of weakness. Then, when Pam and Mario are concocting a plan to kill Tyrell and the others, they must seek him out to learn how. Just a thought...may be too movie trope-y for your taste.
For this genre, your script runs about 8-10 pages too long. Even though it alread reads pretty tight, I'd look for cuts and trims, especially in the second act. But don't touch anything in the third act, which packs a dizzying wallop of great action.
Excellent job! This needs to land on the development list. And soon...
Shawshank Redemption, Chinatown, Repulsion, Children of Men, The Shining, Sunset Boulevard, The Tenant, Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Alien, Blade Runner, The Rock, Predator, Willow, Adaptation, Network.
Roman Polanski, Robert Towne, Stephen King, Stanley Kubrick, Charlie Kaufman, Paddy Chayefsky, Ridley Scott, Aaron Sorkin, Mel Brooks, Alan Ball, David Chase, Francis Ford Coppola, Greg Daniels, Larry David.
Writer's voice is also unique, arranging words and phrases in a way that gets the reader excited about the material. As a former reader for Lionsgate, this script would get a double stamp of approval.
I have only a few suggestions, so take from them what you will and ignore the rest...
I haven't been tracking the iterations of this script, so I'm unaware what has been touched on and what hasn't. So forgive me if these notes have already been addressed.
1) Is the Boy character really necessary? I think you can consolidate the Boy and Mario characters. Mario could be Tyrell's main dog, almost like an apprentice. As if Tyrell's grooming him (man, there's a lot of puns at play here) to be Pack leader some day. But when Mario has a change of heart, it makes the betrayal so much more potent. Then it becomes a battle between master and apprentice.
2) I'm not sure killing gangsters should be the mission of the Pack, simply because they refused to admit the pack members into their gangs before Tyrell found them. It almost makes me want to root for Tyrell and the others because they're cleaning the street of scum, much in the same way Batman does. That becomes tricky, because then I find myself rooting for both sides. Now, if they were killing innocent civilians; the middle to upper class folks who have been rejecting these street kids since they were born, then maybe my problem with that element would go away.
3) I forget the name of the former pack leader (the one Tyrell usurped). I found myself intrigued by this character and wanted to know more. Ever think about him making a reappearance? Instead of having Tyrell kill him in the past, maybe he just ran him off in a moment of weakness. Then, when Pam and Mario are concocting a plan to kill Tyrell and the others, they must seek him out to learn how. Just a thought...may be too movie trope-y for your taste.
For this genre, your script runs about 8-10 pages too long. Even though it alread reads pretty tight, I'd look for cuts and trims, especially in the second act. But don't touch anything in the third act, which packs a dizzying wallop of great action.
Excellent job! This needs to land on the development list. And soon...