Chris Cobb

When you read as many scripts as I do, most of the time you're wading through endless exposition, overwrought action, and on the nose dialogue.

Not in this script.

Here, the writing is lean and light on the page, which helps the story flow from one page to the next. The dialogue is grounded and comes out of character, with each having their own specific voice. Best of all, the writer does not make the characters say what doesn't need to be said.

If there's something more I would want out of this script it would be to take the spare action to the next level. I like it lean as it is, but I would prefer what is there be a bit more subjective, a touch more emotional. Instead of saying "they fight" I'd like the writer's spare approach applied to describing the fight.

That said, my favorite on Amazon so far.

TURF WAR has an intriguing premise that needs a fair amount of work.

WHAT WORKS:

- Intriguing premise
- A knack for dialogue
- Some elements of the storyline work as is

WHAT NEEDS WORK:

Everything else. This is a very rough first draft, not ready for prime time, and in need of a lot of focused effort to deliver on the concept and to showcase the writing abilities Cindy obviously has that at the moment are only hinted at in the dialogue

101 STUFF:

- Only CAP a name when a character is introduced for the first time, not every time afterwards (ignore the BOURNE scripts you might have read online -- they're production scripts written by a well know writer who can do whatever the hell he wants with formatting)
- Do not bold and underline scene headings -- see note above
- No CUs or ECUs. There are other ways to call these out that work far better coming from the writer
- If the script calls for a MONTAGE, break it down into shots rather than a bare bones description
- When a character moves from an INTERIOR to an EXTERIOR location, that should be indicated in the scene description as well as the action


FUNDAMENTALS:

- The premise is not delivered on -- in this draft the two serial killers are not in a turf war
- The structure is not built underneath the storyline -- the two serial killers meet three times in the first 25 pages in some way or another. That dissipates the tension way too early and gives the story nowhere to go.
- The characters are not driven by a central conflict - what are the two serial killers having a turf war over? Ben doesn't seem to want to fight Louis for anything, let alone turf.
- Key characters show up way too late in the script as deus ex machina devices -- Davis shows up way too late, introduces too many crucial new characters, and saves Ben too often. But being the hero has to fall to one of the main characters, not a supporting player.

AS A RESULT:

- The action as written is inert and lifeless
- The plot is a maze of unmotivated and unrealistic steps
- The characters are not motivated by a central conflict, which makes them not compelling enough
- Cliches abound, used as shortcuts to story and character development
- Too much of the dialogue is expository and on the nose, rather than emerging from character and voice

WHAT TO DO TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL:

While that may seem like a lot of things I'm critiquing, I think fixing it is a matter of getting a few fundamentals right, and the rest will fix itself in the next few drafts. So here's what I suggest:

1) FIND THE STRUCTURE & CONFLICT:

IMHO this is a page 1 rewrite based on an intensive restructuring of the storyline and plot. I think the key is to more clearly define the story you want to tell, figure out who the villain is and who the hero is, and determine the central conflict between them. An EXCELLENT resource for digging into your story structure is William Martell's THE SECRETS OF ACTION SCREENWRITING ($9.99 from Amazon. Kindle version only, but Amazon has software to read Kindle books onPCs and Macs)

2) FIND YOUR VOICE:

Then there's a level of just sheer writing craft that has to be brought to the next draft. The dialogue hints at your writing ability, but the action feels dead on the page. I forget who said it, but I love the idea that dialogue is where your characters' voices express themselves, and action is where the writer's voice expresses itself. So I'd advise you rethink your action, find your voice as you convey it, and make it both 3x as brief and 10x as interesting.

3) TIPS & TRICKS:

Plan to edit your script down to between 100 and 110 pages, with a lot more white space in it. For just sheer craft tricks and tips to do that, there are a ton of resources out there to give you a lot of great advice. But here my favorite rules of thumb:

- Cut two characters, merge their functions with remaining characters. The thought process alone that goes into thinking this through can lead to lots of insights about your script
- No more than 4 lines of action ever; edit to 2 as much as possible and if you can't edit it down anymore break it up for better flow
- Focus on flow -- design the white space on the page to flow the readers eye down through your writing
- Use the 2 finger rule for dialogue (if you hold 2 fingers to a paragraph of dialogue and it peeks out, edit or break it up with action, and then only for longer conversations -- keep to one finger as much as possible)
- End each page with a reason to turn to the next one
- Action verbs: no is, are, -ing
- As part of that thought, get rid of the words on this list 90% of the time (http://yourscreenplaysucks.wordpress.com/7-deadly-sins-of-writing/)

is

He is grinning… becomes… He grins.

are

The convicts are singing opera… The convicts sing opera.

the

Nacho hightails it out of the town… Nacho hightails it out of town.

that

Ralph can’t tell that she’s French… Ralph can’t tell she’s French.

then

She laughs. She then looks at Alice… She laughs. She looks at Alice.

walk

Tika walks down the hall… Tika prisses down the hall.

sit

Sitting at the poker table, Doc deals the cards… At the poker table, Doc deals…

stand

The surgeon stands at the operating table and works… At the operating table, the surgeon works…

look

Cheryl is looking at Stephanie… Cheryl studies Stephanie.

just

I am just totally exhausted… I am totally exhausted.

of the

Tom sits by the entrance of the mall… Tom sits by the mall entrance…

begin

The tape begins playing… The tape plays.

start

She starts moving toward the den… She moves toward the den.

really

Betty is really pretty… Betty, hot as a two dollar pistol, struts in.

very

The kids sing a very old song… The kids sing a traditional song. (“very” means the following word is weak…)

turn

She turns and looks at him… She looks at him.

the phone

Bonnie hangs up the phone… Bonnie hangs up.

some

He pours some coffee… He pours coffee.

still

Kevin, still in paint covered overalls… Kevin, in paint covered overalls.

the room

He puts on a tie before leaving the room… He puts on a tie before leaving.

his face

Nora has an amused expression on her face… Nora is amused.

seems, appears

Tony seems upset… Tony is upset… So, is Tony upset, or just appear to be?

her way

Carol pushes her way inside… Carol pushes inside. (“his, its way” too!)

both

They both stare slackjawed at the comet… They stare slackjawed at the comet.

ly
(as on the end of an adverb!)
search for lyspace Also search for ly. and ly, as ly [space] will not find an adverb at the end of a sentence, etc.