Anthony Ingoglia (Long Island)

The premise is good, but similar to many other movies, perhaps more colorful characters?

Language may be a problem(as I have learned) and anyway you don't really need it. See what some other reviewers think.

According to my experience it's not good to step on the music director's feet. It's usually better to suggest a type of music and have him decide, again, see what other reviewers think.

There are many implausible circumstances that happen throughout.
examples:

Lou shots a guard and the men in the back room don't hear it.

A great deal of back and forth in fight between Lou and Nick without anyone actually getting killed.

The nurse in the hospital elevator casually letting Lou escape- might work if the entire screenplay was tongue and cheek style.

A couple of times someone pulled the trigger with the gun just happening to be empty.

The story seems to move back and forth from tongue and cheek type comments and serious drama - especially at the end with the daughter killing Destiny.

I didn't get to "pull" for any of the characters. Perhaps if I knew earlier about Nick I may have liked him more.

It's a very good first draft - I'd say stick with it, it may get there with two more drafts and some more comments.

I'd suggest going one way with it, either straight serious, or all tongue in cheek. With tongue and cheek you can more easily have people killing each other more freely

Best of Luck
Anthony

Lauren-
In screenplays, the most important thing is the idea. Your concept that one world's actions may have devastating effects on other parallel worlds is a very interesting one and could be developed into a fine screenplay.

I know you are aware that you will need to work on correcting grammar errors as your drafts continue. I agree with your last reviewer that a professional reader will not tolerate errors for long, but unlike that reviewer I feel just a mention is adequate. Personally, I think it a good idea for a reviewer to receive several reviews before attempting to give their own.

As many of us do, you could consider having the grammar checked by someone proficient in grammar. I will say though that as I mentioned in my past reviews, you're not using contractions does make the dialogue seem much too proper. It should sound the way you would normally speak.
Example - "I will see you later," would be better used as "I'll see you later."

Your concept, if left open for others to contribute or even add their own versions, could be a good direction to go.

Good luck
Anthony Ingoglioa

"The Travelers-life force " is the third part of this epic story.

The premise is strong, although with three parts there is a great deal to absorb. As movies of three parts, or more, it would work as did Star Wars.

The story is developed in layers, as though each layer is its own structure. It must be read carefully to absorb the great deal of information presented. As one grows more deeply involved in the story it becomes increasingly interesting as Lauren continues to build on all previous information.

The characters are developed enough at the beginning to feel their needs and desires. As the story grows, so do these characters, to the point that they become very sophisticated independent personalities.

The dialogue gets the story across with a style that explains what is happening and who it is happening to, but I wouldn't mind more variation in different characters dialogues. However we do get to know and sympathise with them.

The emotional level is fine, but a few more peaks and valley's could add a little more punch to the more climactic scenes.

All in all this ongoing saga is well thought out, with all of the information coming together eventually. It is a tremendous effort on Lauren's part in developing such a complex story into a meaningful series.

Best of luck Lauren.