My Work at Amazon Studios
Credit in 1 work
Scripts
| Credits | Works | Average Rating | Downloads | Date Created |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Writer |
DARKER SHADE OF NIGHT Leo's Original Draft (Script 1) |
No rating
|
7 | 11/19/10 |
Reviews I've Written
ASLEEP THE SNOW CAME FLYING, William's Original Draft
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Wow, this is so sad, but it is really good! I wept.
December 09, 2010
Salvation: Allegiance, Hector's Original Draft
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
Suggestions on openning action scene.
December 05, 2010
I've just started to read the script but thought I'd suggest this rewrite for you to think about.
As you have it written now, your character is a talented, lucky, dumb-ass. He ran into a dangerous situation with clearly no idea how he was going to get her and him out. He got the girl away from the thugs, then ran into a wall and got trapped. He also UNACEPTEDLY got his Charge into an unnessesary gunfight. A PROFFESSIONAL never trusts to luck, and does not get into gun fights. He evalluates the ground he'll fight on before he lays down a plan of attack. Then he moves with stealth and purpose and takes opponents unaware when ever possible.
This is how a Pro would have done it.
You open with an exterior shot of the warehouse. Then a shot of the hero's car below an open window 30 feet above the pavement. A close-up of the front left quarterpannel. The front tire has a tire hub attached to the tire hub. Black climbing roap is wound around it that rises up to the window. We can hear the engin ideling, no one is in the car. The camera follows the rope up. A clamp on the window frame holds a block through which the rope passes. We follow the rope across the cealing through the girders holding up the roof. The camera is angled down showing the rope and floor. We come to the thugs below, and a second block, suspended below it is the Phantom, spread eagle. Directly below him is the woman's chair.
No you go back to your script and have them go through their dialogue leading up to the Phantom's original entrance.
We have a shot of the Phantom suspended. In his left hand he has a 16 inch tall, by 12 inch wide black cylinder. In his right hand is a small transmitter that looks like a mini remote controle. In his fingers he also holds a black metal twin hook, which is connected to a short rope that runs to the same carbiner that he is attached to.
The Phantom pushes a button on the controler. Cut to a pice of wood hanging below the window the Phantom entered through. The board drops the 5 feet to the ground.
The thugs are startled by the sound and move twoards the sound forming a semi-circular line between where they think the sound is coming from and the woman.
The Phantom pushes a button on the controler.
Cut to the cars interior, the car shifts into reverse and lets out rope.
Cut to the Phantom, he quickly decends to the floor still spread eagle. He attaches the hook to the seat back, and places the cylinder on the floor. He pushes another button and she and he rise quickly off the floor.
A close-up of the cylinder shows there is a cord wrapped around the Phantoms left hand leading to a pin in the cylinder. As the Phantom rises, the pin comes out, an LED on the top of the cylinder turns RED.
The camera, now at floor level, is looking at the cylinder. In the light we can clearly see it. It is made up of rows of rectangular boxes. 2.5" x 1.25". The .5" area above each rectangle has a small lens, and a laser pointer. These boxes are aligned so that no two boxes are aiming outward from the cylinder at the same compas angle, they cover the entire room.
Cut to the cylnder's fly's eye view of the warehouse interior. We can see all the pictures from all the mini-cameras on the cylinder on our screen. The camras are infa-red lens, so the men appear to be ghostly white images. Each picture has a green LED light above it. The camera views that have the thugs centered in their picture have their green LED lights turn RED.
Cut to view of outside of the cylnder. Several of the recangle's lasers light.
Cut to the thugs looking away still. We see a red laser dot on them. Suddenly the cylinder shoots out barbed tips which spool out wire as they travel and stick into each of the thugs. The cylnder now releases 200,000 volts of low ampage electricity down the wires.
The thugs are stunnd and fall helpless to the floor.
The Phantom and woman return to the warehouse floor. This time the Phantoms left hand holds the suspension rope and he lands feet first. He releases himself from the rope and walks to the thugs, while taking out FLEX CUFFS from hs belt. He restrains the thugs and returns to the girl and releases her.
End of revision.
I know there are no exposions in this scene. But this is how a Proffessional would do it. No shooting or flames that might kill him or his charge. A Pro uses the tech at hand to get the job done and like James Bond, always has the best tech to fight with.
Four weapon tools you might want to integrate into his asrsenal are:
The PSE Tac 15, modular crossbow. It attaches to the lower receiver of the M-16, or AR-15 rifle. Go to www.tac15.com to see their video.
The lower reciever of the M-16 can attach to ANY weapon system from shoulder fired rockets and grenade launchers, to shotgun assemplies and the crossbow. The lower assembly is just the trigger assembly, not the weapon. It is a utilitarian's dream weapons system. Have your guy make use of it, it is all Black you know. Use your imagination and dream up som new weapons assemblies for it.
Bow Ammo. The bow will fire any type of arrow head. Like a hard ball for knocking people out, or an electical stun ball, with two barbed hooks, to decapacitate like the Tazer Cylinder did. Use your imagination for ammo for the crossbow. If he has to kill with it, use "cresent moon" arrow heads. The are razor tips, that are shaped like a crescent moon and are about 3" across. The points point forward. You shoot the man in the neck and the crescent moon head severs the spine. The spine now cannot transmit errant electrical signals to the hand which could cause a gun to fire, as would happen if you shoot the man in the head. Dream up some arrrows.
The Air Arms Condor air rifle. This is a hunting air rifle with over 1200 feet per second with .22 cal. pelets. Air rifles can have silencers on them because they are not fire arms, and several do. Put one on this rifle. When you see it, you'll know why I recomend it. It looks cool, futuristic, and all black. And it can kill silently.
Electro conductive cloths! This was developed in the "80's". Wire mesh is woven into the fabric of the jacket or glove. By activating it electically, you can stun an opponnet when your clothing touches him. Grabbed from the behind? Stun him. Have activator buttons to turn the cloths on: in the lapels of the jacket, in the back collar, in the sides, and back bottom hems of the jacket, and in his sleves. The back has a pannel. the front lapels have pannels, and both arms have pannels. Each pannel has its own row of button batteries and capacitors, so one pannel is not drained when another pannel is used to incapacitate an attacker. Gloves with electric thumb and finger tips will give the Vulcan neck pinch a whole new use.
Electro conductive Escrima sticks. Police have had these for decades. They are powerful stun guns built into the cop's batton. If a guy grabs the batton, or if the cop touches him with it, he's shocked to the ground, and dazed for minutes. Your character's sticks can have 4 capacitores each, allowing him to stun 8 men quickly without having to wait for a single capacitor to build up a new charge.
A Black Japanese stick sword. When killing has to be done at close quarters silently, this is the weapon of my choice. 85% of people shot in the chest, at close quarters, with large caliber handguns survive. No one survives having their head cut off.
Pro's don't take chances. The ones that live, live because they are smart, not just good fighters.
I may write more as I continue reading
Best
Leo
As you have it written now, your character is a talented, lucky, dumb-ass. He ran into a dangerous situation with clearly no idea how he was going to get her and him out. He got the girl away from the thugs, then ran into a wall and got trapped. He also UNACEPTEDLY got his Charge into an unnessesary gunfight. A PROFFESSIONAL never trusts to luck, and does not get into gun fights. He evalluates the ground he'll fight on before he lays down a plan of attack. Then he moves with stealth and purpose and takes opponents unaware when ever possible.
This is how a Pro would have done it.
You open with an exterior shot of the warehouse. Then a shot of the hero's car below an open window 30 feet above the pavement. A close-up of the front left quarterpannel. The front tire has a tire hub attached to the tire hub. Black climbing roap is wound around it that rises up to the window. We can hear the engin ideling, no one is in the car. The camera follows the rope up. A clamp on the window frame holds a block through which the rope passes. We follow the rope across the cealing through the girders holding up the roof. The camera is angled down showing the rope and floor. We come to the thugs below, and a second block, suspended below it is the Phantom, spread eagle. Directly below him is the woman's chair.
No you go back to your script and have them go through their dialogue leading up to the Phantom's original entrance.
We have a shot of the Phantom suspended. In his left hand he has a 16 inch tall, by 12 inch wide black cylinder. In his right hand is a small transmitter that looks like a mini remote controle. In his fingers he also holds a black metal twin hook, which is connected to a short rope that runs to the same carbiner that he is attached to.
The Phantom pushes a button on the controler. Cut to a pice of wood hanging below the window the Phantom entered through. The board drops the 5 feet to the ground.
The thugs are startled by the sound and move twoards the sound forming a semi-circular line between where they think the sound is coming from and the woman.
The Phantom pushes a button on the controler.
Cut to the cars interior, the car shifts into reverse and lets out rope.
Cut to the Phantom, he quickly decends to the floor still spread eagle. He attaches the hook to the seat back, and places the cylinder on the floor. He pushes another button and she and he rise quickly off the floor.
A close-up of the cylinder shows there is a cord wrapped around the Phantoms left hand leading to a pin in the cylinder. As the Phantom rises, the pin comes out, an LED on the top of the cylinder turns RED.
The camera, now at floor level, is looking at the cylinder. In the light we can clearly see it. It is made up of rows of rectangular boxes. 2.5" x 1.25". The .5" area above each rectangle has a small lens, and a laser pointer. These boxes are aligned so that no two boxes are aiming outward from the cylinder at the same compas angle, they cover the entire room.
Cut to the cylnder's fly's eye view of the warehouse interior. We can see all the pictures from all the mini-cameras on the cylinder on our screen. The camras are infa-red lens, so the men appear to be ghostly white images. Each picture has a green LED light above it. The camera views that have the thugs centered in their picture have their green LED lights turn RED.
Cut to view of outside of the cylnder. Several of the recangle's lasers light.
Cut to the thugs looking away still. We see a red laser dot on them. Suddenly the cylinder shoots out barbed tips which spool out wire as they travel and stick into each of the thugs. The cylnder now releases 200,000 volts of low ampage electricity down the wires.
The thugs are stunnd and fall helpless to the floor.
The Phantom and woman return to the warehouse floor. This time the Phantoms left hand holds the suspension rope and he lands feet first. He releases himself from the rope and walks to the thugs, while taking out FLEX CUFFS from hs belt. He restrains the thugs and returns to the girl and releases her.
End of revision.
I know there are no exposions in this scene. But this is how a Proffessional would do it. No shooting or flames that might kill him or his charge. A Pro uses the tech at hand to get the job done and like James Bond, always has the best tech to fight with.
Four weapon tools you might want to integrate into his asrsenal are:
The PSE Tac 15, modular crossbow. It attaches to the lower receiver of the M-16, or AR-15 rifle. Go to www.tac15.com to see their video.
The lower reciever of the M-16 can attach to ANY weapon system from shoulder fired rockets and grenade launchers, to shotgun assemplies and the crossbow. The lower assembly is just the trigger assembly, not the weapon. It is a utilitarian's dream weapons system. Have your guy make use of it, it is all Black you know. Use your imagination and dream up som new weapons assemblies for it.
Bow Ammo. The bow will fire any type of arrow head. Like a hard ball for knocking people out, or an electical stun ball, with two barbed hooks, to decapacitate like the Tazer Cylinder did. Use your imagination for ammo for the crossbow. If he has to kill with it, use "cresent moon" arrow heads. The are razor tips, that are shaped like a crescent moon and are about 3" across. The points point forward. You shoot the man in the neck and the crescent moon head severs the spine. The spine now cannot transmit errant electrical signals to the hand which could cause a gun to fire, as would happen if you shoot the man in the head. Dream up some arrrows.
The Air Arms Condor air rifle. This is a hunting air rifle with over 1200 feet per second with .22 cal. pelets. Air rifles can have silencers on them because they are not fire arms, and several do. Put one on this rifle. When you see it, you'll know why I recomend it. It looks cool, futuristic, and all black. And it can kill silently.
Electro conductive cloths! This was developed in the "80's". Wire mesh is woven into the fabric of the jacket or glove. By activating it electically, you can stun an opponnet when your clothing touches him. Grabbed from the behind? Stun him. Have activator buttons to turn the cloths on: in the lapels of the jacket, in the back collar, in the sides, and back bottom hems of the jacket, and in his sleves. The back has a pannel. the front lapels have pannels, and both arms have pannels. Each pannel has its own row of button batteries and capacitors, so one pannel is not drained when another pannel is used to incapacitate an attacker. Gloves with electric thumb and finger tips will give the Vulcan neck pinch a whole new use.
Electro conductive Escrima sticks. Police have had these for decades. They are powerful stun guns built into the cop's batton. If a guy grabs the batton, or if the cop touches him with it, he's shocked to the ground, and dazed for minutes. Your character's sticks can have 4 capacitores each, allowing him to stun 8 men quickly without having to wait for a single capacitor to build up a new charge.
A Black Japanese stick sword. When killing has to be done at close quarters silently, this is the weapon of my choice. 85% of people shot in the chest, at close quarters, with large caliber handguns survive. No one survives having their head cut off.
Pro's don't take chances. The ones that live, live because they are smart, not just good fighters.
I may write more as I continue reading
Best
Leo
Following
1 Project
(Science Fiction and Fantasy, Action and Adventure) Hector X
1 Person
I love the device you use to tell the story, Williams memory of the events. I especially like the way you end the story. The picture skewering like a film frame that gets stuck in the projector, then burning away till there is only white. Nice segway back into the hospital room that tells us, William is dead, without having to say anything.
I loved Kayesha's character, god she has spunk!
The dialogue is really good, it flows nice and smooth, no rough spots. I especially love the line about how William's picture was next to Jesus. Great Line!
The scene at the dance when they have their first kiss, very well written, I could see them in my head. A universally awkward moment perfectly captured.
I wish I could hear the music you've selected. I've found some of the music, the Jim Brickman tunes. They really capture the story's mood too, well chosen.
Kayesha's death in the hosptal was beautifully, sad, and moving for me. I was crying. Having him kiss her fingertips and palms, and hold them against his face as he weeps, very touching! I could see it in my head.
Thank you for letting us see what was in the locket. I knew what was there by then, but it was the fullfilment of a wish to open it and see. If you hadn't put it in, the story would have lacked that climax and not have been as good.
Ending with the poems you wrote each other, such a wonderful thing to do. I know they were very personnal to you, thank you for shareing them with me. They were beautiful.
I'll remember too.
Good luck.
Leo