Phil Hwang San Bernardino, CA

The Scare Room is a strong entry into the horror screenplay division with its witty dialogue,
mystery plot, and effective frightening moments such as the Tarot card scene.

Despite its strengths, there is room for improvement. First, Emily is not proactive enough.
The mystery does not unfold in a way that makes the reader want to continue, and there
is a lack of conflict.

Everything that occurs in the first half feels random. Out of nowhere, Emily becomes a
member of AEZ. She has to join or Jessy can't get in? The sorority mom Mrs. Campbell as
well as others divulge information without any or much prompting. The back story of Emily
as well as Tonya feels clumsy. Patricia the ghost begins appearing. The bottom line is that
I know there is a mystery here,but I'm not sure what the question is.

Emily needs to be proactive. As she gathers each piece of
informative, the story becomes more intriguing. We see a picture forming as each piece is
added. When the information is given too freely as in the case of Mrs. Campbell, it becomes
information overload. As a reader, I need a sense of where the story is going. Of course,
we need twists but anticipation is equally important.

The story also needs conflict. I think the story would have been more organic if Emily
attended that particular college with the intent of joining that sorority and it was Jessy
who didn't believe in the Greek system. Also Emily could have an obstacle to overcome if
Mrs. Campbell or Blake didn't want her in AEZ.

My last note is that there is too much description that would not appear on the screen. For
example, "Emily puts away the picture, still deeply troubled that she could have cause her
mother's death." At a 116 pages, the screenplay feels a little long.

Good luck.

Phil

I really like the premise and you have an easy going and writing style. The opening really works and the characters are clearly delineated.

However, there are a number of issues you might want to consider. First, the reason I downloaded this screenplay was that I was intrigued by the ghost hunter with a connection to the haunted house aspect. You don't play up this story line enough. At least enough to want me to go on beyond the first act. Hank touches on the subject of Clayton's father and there are other hints such as Clayton's reluctance to take on the case. I feel you need to create a mystery that begs to be answered in the first act. What happened at the Carpenter House and how is Clayton or Clayton's father involved? I think you don't show enough or give enough information. Also by the end of act one, Clayton should be the one demanding that this mystery be solved not Hank. This would also enhance an inner goal for Clayton.

I think another problem is the way Clayton is developed. At first, he's cynical by taking money from naive people. Then he's apprehensive at the first sign of a real ghost. Next, he goes gung-ho but cynical. I think it's fine that's he's cynical and has to become a believer. But when he becomes scared, it is inconsistent.

Next, the tone of the story is sort of in a no-man's land. While it has humorous aspects such as Neal's skepticism, Dwight's anal rape line, and Clayton's overall demeanor, it didn't feel like a comedy or dark comedy. Likewise the horror or supernatural aspects weren't particularly intense or were undermined by the humor. The first inspection of the Carpenter house takes place during the day and I never got the sense anyone was in real physical danger. Remember that the Amityville Horror starts off with a murder. Also the fact that they can just waltz out of the house means there is little at stake. Another aspect of Amityville Horror was that the father was going nuts. In the seventies, fathers were masters of the home so if you had a crazy father you were screwed which isn't so much the case now. In other words, you have not created a situation where Clayton has to stay in the house or solve this haunting by the first act.

I think you really need to decide the exact direction you want to go. A little humor is fine in any story, a little too much turns it into something you may not want.

Finally, there is a lot of on-the nose and expository dialogue. For instance you wrote:

INT. MASTER BEDROOM

Christy and Patricia stand near the bed. The EMF detector
BEEPS loudly. The arrow indicator goes haywire.
PATRICIA
What’s going on?
CHRISTY
I’ve never seen readings this high.
Christy doesn't have to say anything at all and what she says is too on the nose. Remember the scene in Jaws when they first see the shark. Roy Schneider doesn't say, " That's the biggest shark I've ever seen." He says, "You're going to need a bigger boat." He communicates the same information in a more interesting and less clumsy way.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

This screenplay has a lot of funny lines and the story has a sweet not lurid tone to it. I especially enjoyed the "Keith Richards" line, the headlines for the seniors newspaper, and "I'm British, we have more names for our todgers than Eskimos have for snow." For an ensemble piece, I thought you did a great job distinguishing each of the four main characters which often times a major issue. The screenplay got stronger with each page and I would rank it along with Richard Stern's Villain.

My big story note is that you don't develop the goals of the main characters quickly enough especially Jack. Of course their first goal is to be able to get erections but that is quickly resolved by the mysterious bottle of Viagra. In fact, it feels like you put the solution before the problem. I feel you need to establish the men's romantic desires and problems first and then have introduce the Viagra which should be a plot point that sends the men on their journeys.

Jack's story takes especially long to develop. It's not until page eighty or so that he really begins to start a relationship with The Doctor. It has to start much sooner like the first act or maybe early second act. Jake feels like a secondary character while Chas feels like the lead due to how much of the story he occupies. I think it needs to be the other way around.

Speaking of the The Doctor, it was disconcerting that you referred to her as "The Doctor" instead of her name. I understand you wanted the "Doctor Who" joke but I was confused at times thinking it was another doctor not Jack's romantic interest. Do the joke sooner.

Next, the men lack inner goals. The lack of an erection is more than medical problem. It represents many things. For instance in Chas' case, it represents youth or that life isn't over until it's over. For Ben or Jack, it could mean that a sex life built on pornography is no sex life at all. The point is that the men need to have issues beyond ED to make them more rounded people especially Jack.

I also felt that the characters were overly cavalier about their sexuality or lacked any modesty. Perhaps Canadians or the Brits are more open about it, but masturbation, ED, and the use of pornography are usually somewhat embarrassing subjects. A lot of comedy comes from that embarrassment. While the comedy in the screenplay is VERY strong overall, I thought the opening scene was Jack was a little lacking especially since his interaction with The Operator was very business-like. Think the opening of American Pie.

By the way, too many ladies with names starting with L.

At 107 pages, it felt like it could use some trimming. I thought some of the scenes with Chas and Lally were a little long. On several occasions, you add writer's commentary or things that wouldn't be on the screen.

For example on page 77, you wrote:
LALLY
--Hmmm.
(beat)
Think he's up for a visitor?

Jack is glad to be off the hook, and would like nothing more than for Chas to have a visitor, but logistically… He looks at Lally on her scooter and the temporarily out of order chair lift.

CUT TO:

Chas opens the front door. Jack stands there with Lally in his arms. He's carried her up the front stairs.

Why not cut "Jack is glad to be off the hook, and would like nothing more than for Chas to have a visitor, but logistically…" as well as " He's carried her up the front stairs." It's not necessary to explain every little detail or be repetitive.

P. 78 - Lally's has two pieces of consecutive dialogue without a piece action separating them.

Last but not least, you portray viagra as something very difficult to obtain in the story while it's readily available now. I don't know how you get around this problem.

Overall this is a very good screenplay but unfortunately it's first act is the weakest of the three while many other comedy screenplays often have weak third acts. This may be the reason the screenplay has not had more success in the contest. Readers aren't hanging in until the end. Good job! Let me know if you have any questions.

This screenplay is consistently amusing and many times hilarious. Lupe is a show stealer with her fur panties and trying to communicate to Leon that his father is dead.
I found Thalia to be one of the best gold digging characters of all time because she was so effective at drawing out Leon. The opening scene is very funny and Leon is great in his Darth Vader helmut. The screenplay is a fast and easy read. Cracking Wise is another solid story from Richard Taylor.

My biggest note is that Leon goes from a lovable oddball to something of an irritant. As the story progresses, I wanted Leon to take charge. I never got a sense that he understood his situation or that he was particularly driven to accomplish the edicts of the will. At times he comes across like a petulant child. It's fine that he has his phobias, but he needs to acknowledge to a certain extent that his feelings are irrational but carry on nonetheless.

This leads to another issue which is Leon's inner goal which he doesn't have. My suggestion is that there is a video will where Leon's father admonishes him and makes him feel bad about himself. If Leon has a need to prove to his father that he isn't a loser or doesn't want to let him down, that would give an extra dimension to the story beyond money which is always a bad motivation for a hero to do something.

My next note is about Grace and that it is hard to tell if she is the main character or if Leon is. In a sense, Grace is in her own cage with her relationship with Jerry. I'm reminded of the classic Russian story about a bet where man stays in cabin for twenty years with books but isn't upset that the man doesn't pay him because he had such a fulfilling time. I would like to see Leon defend his life choices as well as Grace. Allow each character's gravitational pull to affect the other. As it is, it was difficult to think Grace would have any romantic feelings for Leon.

At 119 pages, I think the screenplay could be trimmed to 108 without losing anything. A few of the scenes run long, and Leon's references to the sea otters as rats was repetitive.

Good job! Phil.

This screenplay is a solid read. It's professionally written and moves smoothly and quickly. I really enjoyed lines like, "Italian road. Soft shoulders and curves." "There is a code." "Wordsmith dot com backslash dipshit" It has a number of funny scenes. I especially enjoyed the costume shop scene and taking a photo with the Japanese tourist. Mrs. Kolecefksi was a great character.

My big story note is that the plot is not developed enough. When you strip away the bickering and some of the chases, what happens in the second act is too linear. Basically Hack nearly gets killed by the letter bomb, goes to Cole's for a nap and clothes, meets up with Kate, goes to see Beckworth, and then onto the Wordsmith.com building. I feel you need a twist, a red herring, mcguffin, or complications. Hack and Kate need to do more to solve the mystery behind the deaths of the authors. I think if they do more things as a team their romance in the end works better. While this is a comedy and the industrial espionage aspect doesn't need to carry the screenplay, having more scenes allows your characters more opportunities to be funny.

Something that was particularly frustrating was how long it took Kate to get Hack up to speed with what she knows. Hack meets Kate on page nineteen and it takes until page 55 until we learn everything she knows. I realize she can't explain everything right away but it feels like you needlessly stretch it out.

This leads to another issue of our main character Hack being a passive character. I understand what type of comic archetype he is but Hack needs to be more pro-active. He pretty much does everything Kate tells him to do. It's not clear why Kate needs Hack in the first place. Kate should need Hack. By adding a few scenes where Hack actively investigates the murders, the story will be more dynamic and less linear.

Kate and Nikki are too similar in their opinions of Hack. Both see him as buffoonish and treat him accordingly. I feel you need to draw some sharp contrasts between the ladies. They need to be in conflict with each other. Part of the problem is that Kate acts like a distaff dick herself by wielding a gun and doing things like cutting Hack's clothes with a razor blade. She doesn't act like a reporter. Perhaps Nikki is jealous or fears she will be rewritten in the image of Kate?

The next big issue for me is the imaginary characters other than Nikki. Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Crane Brothers, and Mark Twain serve no purpose. They neither help nor hinder Hack. Even ghosts have objectives. They want to warn someone or scare them. For instance on page 99, when Hack meets the dead writers, the writers don't have any goal of their own. Whenever you have people or some manifestation of humans, you need goals. Another problem is that you don't set it up earlier in the screenplay that they can appear and thus when they do, it's disconcerting.

Maybe you need a package instead of a letter bomb.

Maybe the writing on the website was changed in a funny or unique way?

This is a solid draft, but I feel the story needs to be developed more so the characters have more situations to be even funnier. Good job! And good luck! Phil