Michelle Carey (Writer's World)

The script is a quick and easy read. It also is well written. I love the dynamic action description and there were moments I did catch myself laughing out loud. The writers are able give the reader nice set ups for the jokes to pay off.

I am going to do more reaseach on "SWISH PAN TO", I've never seen it before in the screenplays I have read. Learning something new everyday.

There isn't much I can say that would add value to the work that has been done.

Thanks for a fun read! Keep up the good work!

MSC

Overall recommendation: I like the story, but it needs some work.

Premise: I think the premise is interesting, it speaks to the human nature of people and how this world is changing more every day.

Story Structure: This is where the majority of your issues are with this screenplay. The story is good, I like the premise, but it’s hard to get pass the incorrect grammar and your word usage. In addition, you did a lot of telling instead of showing.

You wrote: It’s a typical principal’s office. [That’s telling – and it doesn’t tell us much; we don’t get a sense of the kind of person Principal Suzy is. We also don’t get a sense of David Walter.]

I would write: The office is like a small box. It has a window overlooking the field. Class pictures hang on the walls; near them are degrees in education and a few teaching certificates. The desk Principal Suzy sits is old, run down and made of cherry wood. Papers scattered all over the desk and the inbox is filled to the brim with student file folders. [This is showing; this shows me that the principal is often busy, she can’t afford a new desk, and she doesn’t clear out her inbox. This is also speaking to her character; she cares enough about the students to showcase their class pictures; and that she is also well qualified to do her job.]

Characters: One dimensional. I really don’t get the sense of why they are on this journey. You can convey this through their actions.

Dialogue: Wordy. All action and dialogue should be written with a purpose. That purpose is to move the story forward.

Emotion: This script can have an emotional impact, once you get the hang of how to convey it in as few words as possible.

Once of the best books I’ve read regarding screenwriting is Break Into Screenwriting: A Teach Yourself Guide (Teach Yourself: Writing) by Ray Frensham. It was one the very first books I read when I decided I want to write screenplays.

One the greatest things you can now do; is rewrite. I have rewritten and revised the scripts I deem the most polished. I’m always thinking of something new or seeing something in the project that doesn't quite fit.

I hope this helps.

MSC

First, let me just say, I’m a huge fan of alliteration. At first, I wasn’t sure if it was going to work with both sets of twin’s names starting with the same letter. But when I got into the script, they had such different personalities, it didn’t bother me. It will probably translate even better to the screen.

This script is face paced, it doesn’t linger on and the reader is able to get a quick set up into the adventure.

Premise: Stayed true to the overall theme of Shakespeare’s Comedy of Errors.

Story Structure: Solid three acts; included good inciting points, followed the Hero’s Journey model –going from one world to the other; allowing for the characters to have their individual issues, but the solution is dependent on one another, nice payout at the end (the gala and the wedding).

Character: Well developed. I could see the two sets of twins were different, in many ways based on their socio-economic backgrounds, but still were a lot alike just by being twins.

Dialogue: Snappy. Easy to read and had good set ups.

Emotion: I felt invested in the journey/adventure.

Nicely written.


MSC

I'm not big on baseball, I'm more of a football kinda gal, but I have to say I enjoyed watching your test movie.

I like the way you creatively did your location shots and your fellow church members/friends were really good in their parts.

Your test movie is a good example of what can be achieved with a few willing friends, a video camera, and a well thought out script.

Well done considering your zero dollar budget.


MSC

Showing vs Telling....

“Henry is a skinny 6th Grader with a big imagination. He’s a good kid who’s never gone to the principal’s office, and he defends Penny when she gets picked on.

Connor is Henry’s heavyset best friend. He wears clothes that are slightly too small for him, as if his parents don’t want to admit he’s overweight.

Penny is Henry’s little sister who frequently gets outspoken. She’s a smart Kindergartener and has a lot to say, but it’s not often that anybody really listens.”

The stated paragraphs above are all telling and not showing. How can we see that Henry is a good kid and has never been to the principal’s office?

We can see that Conner is over weight, just by the mere fact his clothes are too tight, no need to state “as if his parents don’t want to admit he’s overweight”…this is exposition and not action driven narrative. Just tell the reader what is happening on screen, we need to visualize.

As the same with Penny.

Show the audience the character’s personalities by the way of their actions.

“LILY, Henry’s older sister who is in 10th Grade, drags
herself into the room.

She is the too-cool-for-school oldest child. She wears tshirts of her current favorite band, BoyCrazy, and touches up her hair way too often. Dealing with her little brother and his friends is basically the end of the world for her.”

Example: LILY, older sister, teenager, in high school, drags herself into the room. She continually touches her hair, as she chews gum and blows bubbles, while barely listening to Henry and his friends.

LILY
Yo Connor, Let’s go, gotta drive you home.

CONNOR
Your sister’s totally in love with me.

HENRY
Gross! Shut up!

Connor gets up and struts over to Lily.

CONNOR
Hey Lily, that’s a cool shirt.
Where’d you get it?

Lily rolls her eyes and shakes her head at Conner while leaving the room.

CONNER
See, I told you, she loves me.

HENRY
She didn’t even say anything to you!

CONNER
True love speaks in silence.

LILY (O.S.)
LET’S GOOOO!!!!

PENNY
Bye Connor.

Conner leaves.

This is just a few tips. Of course you don’t have to follow them, but I thought I’d offer them up!

:-)

MSC

Not sure if the script is in Courier 12 pt. It came out as Angsana New 12 pt on my Word 2007. If it’s not in Courier it needs to be changed.

There are many instances of telling and not showing. We need to visualize this script. When we go to movies we don’t smell what’s on the screen. Filmmaking is totally visual.

Spec scripts do not have camera angles or views; leave that to the director, that’s his/her job to decide. Also, on the second page you have the Animal Allies Employees speaking, but you never introduced them in the action/scene description. The reader has no clue who they are.

It’s not what you write, but how you write it. You have to describe what it is you want the audience to see. Screenwriting is nothing like writing a manuscript where you need lots of exposition. Screenwriting is simplistic writing, have only enough details that move the story forward through action and some lines of dialogue in between.

Your job as the writer is to hook me into your story within the first 10 to 15 pages. It’s easy for the script reader to get lost if you have too much exposition or explaining. Script readers just want to read the action and see how the story is moving forward. You may want to download some spec scripts to see how it’s done, not shooting scripts.

The last thing you want is for your story to get lost in improper screenplay formatting and tons of exposition.

I hope this helps as you continue to revise.

All the best!

M Sweeny Carey