Eddie Beverage (Seattle, WA)

Extremely well-written. Sharp dialogue. Tense, visual action. I love the LA riots setting, especially the fact that it involves characters running guns. Here's my concern:

It's really hard for me to see the film getting made with Aaron as your protagonist. He's believable, I don't hate him, but it's hard to feel for him and relate when he's clearly reaped what he's sown. I would consider making Shaw more prominent in the story. Perhaps make Kyle Shaw's son? This script will become more and more interesting the more intertwined these characters' lives become. I see it evolving like 'Traffic' or 'Crash.' Aaron becomes one of a number of characters we're following so that if we don't relate to him, we'll certainly relate to one of the characters. I'd develop multiple storylines, each one featuring archetypal characters (the cop, the gun runner, Kyle the young innocent taken in by the lifestyle) with a different perspective on the city in flames all around them.

I docked you a star on 'structure' simply because it seemed to take a long time for the heat to get turned up. The script's halfway over before the adrenaline starts pumping. And the hesitation on 'character' only comes from the fact that I think you're putting all your chips on the wrong guy (it has nothing to do with inept characertizations which are acually quite good).

Congratulations on your option!

I'm new to the site, was reading the controversy re: your script over on the forums and decided it would be the first script I'd peep. Unfortunately if I can't get through the first act due to poor form, I'm not going to dedicate myself to reading the whole script. 'Through The Eyes Of The Storms' is a good example.

Please read the first couple pages of dialogue out loud to yourself and be brutally honest: is this how people really speak? You're trying to tell me Jarred's backstory through his dialogue- "I made a promise I would quit acting when I got the role of a lifetime. Well ..."Wrights And Wrong" was the role of a lifetime. Now I'm happy just being a Lindo Lumber salesman, living in a normal city with normal people." This is terribly awkward. I want to see Jarred working in a lumber store interacting with normal people and discover the backstory myself. This is all really important if you want readers to believe the characters and perhaps more importantly, trust you as a storyteller.

-The opening scene proceeds into a string of unnecesary hi's, hello's and how are you's. Wasted time. Again, lazy writing.

At the end of Act 1, I'm not liking Jarred at all and hesitate to go any further. It's OK to paint of portrait of a man struggling with rage and mental illness, but we have to relate to him first as human being and winning an employee of the year award doesn't make him likable if that was the intent. He's brutalizing Joyce and being a generally nasty person, so why do I care where we go from here? Joyce isn't particularly likable or interesting either.

By now, there ought to be clear set-up but I'm not finding it. Jarred drives his car into a wall because voices told him to. He's clearly sick, I get it. But we haven't heard any reference to Joyce's brain experiment since 20 pages ago and how it will figure into the story going forward. I need a clear set-up to spin us off into Act 2 otherwise I stop caring, especially when the characters are failing me. Bottom line, I'm just not buying any of this.

ADDED: Just read the synopsis and now I'm really lost. Are we spun off into Joyce's mind film midway through the first act?? You're still using their real names instead of the characters they're playing? It's all quite confusing. Jarred played a lumber salesman in "Wrights and Wrong" and now is one in real life (when we meet him on the first page)? He's even more unbelievable now.