Paul Andrew Gierut (Orland Park)

First off, I will point out that I downloaded this screenplay because I am not only a HUGE fan of sci-fi, but in particular the time travel premise. That said, in this reviewers eyes, this screenplay didn't quite deliver.



Your screenplay starts off like a novel. We are given a long "Voice Over" from Charlie explaining his relationship to Lee.
Here is a bit:
Charlie (V.O.)
Lee is my only and older brother. Ever since we were kids we've been tormenting each other. He acts like he knows-it-all and often treats me like I'm his indentured servant. Sometimes I wonder? Is my brother really that smart or is it, I'm just that stupid?

This is info that should be apparent from the actions that we see, not from what you tell us. As a reader I don't want to be spoon fed info that the writer should be showing.

Second, you give info in your action lines that you might be able to see in YOUR mind's eye, but mean nothing to the reader---Example:

"All seems calm outside this garage. However, to the onlooker, thoughts that some odd little mystery is afoot becomes apparent."

No, nothing is apparent. You need to write WHY something is apparently "afoot". As far as the reader is concerned, all he knows is there is a garage. You can't tell a reader what his thoughts are--you need to lead them to those thoughts.

"Lee recognizes the unchanged facial expression of his brothers mistrust."

How does someone film "Lee recognizing an unchanged face"?

Right now you're saying "yeah but I know what it means" . Not good enough. You need to writer this in a way a screenplay reader understands.

LEE (25) an odd looking nerd, sloppily dress, wearing glasses. When he speaks, his speech is distinct.

Why is it distinct? Does he slur? Does he speak like Darth Vader?

A well groomed CHARLIE (21) handsome and wears his work clothes well. He's a steady worker and good automotive painter.

Telling me he's good automotive painter is not a description of someone. It tells me something about him, but why??? Unless it's vital to the story. And it's not. It's like saying Luke Skywalker: Good at folding sheets. Fine, but how does that affect the story?


This is just the first few pages, but this goes on and on throughout the screenplay.

Let's move onto the story:

You bill this as an Action/Adventure Sci-Fi that will surpass Back to the Future.

The Action/Adventure part is what I will deal with.

Pages 1-10

You have Charlie working in a paint shop followed by a Flashback to the past where Lee kicks Charlie's bike over. This is followed two conversations by Charlie and Lee about Mowing their lawn.

That's it ---No Action. No Adventure.

Pages 10-20

It starts off with another conversation between Lee and Charlie about selling their house. Then we have a scene that introduces Jan in a pizza shop.
At page fourteen Lee reveals to Charlie he has invented a time machine.

This is where I thought "good, here we go". No! right after the time machine reveal they go back to talking about getting pizza and cleaning up the beer bottle caps???

Page 19
We are introduced to MR. CAPARELLI who buys a Baseball card from a hobby shop. We are to understand he is the "heavy" in this screenplay because of these lines:

CARD SHOP OWNER (CONT'D)
Because of its exquisite rarity, today's market fetches a ten thousand dollar price tag. Mounting of course, is additional.
Caparelli is fearful looking. He leans in on the owner.
MR. CAPARELLI
For ten thousand dollars I could have you mounted.


This line is right out of a bad 40s gangster movie, and it is very cliche.


That's it for pages 1 though 20

No Action --No Adventure

Pages 20-30

Lee and Charlie send a Camera back in time to prove his time machine works--again I thought "here we go"-- Nope! The next scene we have Charlie mowing his lawn and talking to his neighbor Max about his lawnmower. This is followed by a scene where he borrows his neighbor's lawnmower and mows his lawn.

After this we have scene with Charlie and Jan discussing a double date. This is followed by a double date scene where we meet Jill. Then there is a scene that comes out of nowhere with Mr. Caparelli threatening someone with the line:

MR. CAPARELLI
Nobody steals form Caparelli.

I'm sure you meant FROM, but it comes off as a very cheesy line.

This scene with Mr. Caparelli had nothing to do with the story and added nothing.


After that we have another conversation between Charlie and his Neighbor (Max)about why he and Lee don't get along.

After 30 pages which amount to one half hour of screen time we have had as much Action/Adventure as a slow episode of Golden Girls. There has literally been more discussion about the 10 acres of lawn that needs to be mowed than about time travel.


Pages 30-40

You finally send Charlie back in the time machine to prove that it will work on a human. He goes back a couple of days and gets a coin. This is something that should have happened 20 minutes ago.

After that a conversation about the "baseball card" between Caprelli and the Mayor to let us know how special it is.

This is followed by another conversation between Jan and Charlie about a Locket she lost and his retrieval of the Locket.

Then we have a conversation between charlie And Max about some toys he has.


No-Action No Adventure

Pages 40 though 60

We finally get to heart of the story--going back in time to steal a baseball card. This is what the story revolves around and this is what brings the antagonist into the story. This is all made moot because you have Lee say that when he put it on e-bay he was made two offers for this amazing baseball card for 1500 and 1600 hundred dollars--that's it.

This is one of my big complaints of the story--but not my biggest- Lee is such a genius that he invents a time machine and the biggest thing he can come up with is to go back in time a steal a card worth less than what a lot of people bring home in a week? Here's an idea -- a guy just found 20 million in gold with his metal detector last week--why not just go back two weeks ago, and dig it up? I mean we all know where it's at now. How about go back and buy some shares in Microsoft in the early 80s? How about something to benefit all mankind--like kicking Justin Bieber's Father in the nuts, the night Justin was to be conceived? There are just so many things a thousand times more lucrative, that it boggles the mind why someone would bother for $1500 when they just spent $100,000 building a time machine.

Now my number one complaint of this whole story. You try to explain that when someone goes back in time and takes something--the owner in the present suddenly finds it missing????? That just doesn't make any sense to the most basic of sci-fi watchers-- let alone the people who this is supposed to be geared for---sci-fi fans.

What you propose is that if I go back and steal a man's car in the past, he will be driving on the road in the present and it will suddenly disappear out from under him, so that he will be skidding down the street on his ass screaming "Who Just stole my car?" ----NO NO NO!! If you travel back in time and take something(like that mans car) he would never have been able to buy it in the first place--hence, would not be driving it. This is what makes your whole story fall apart in even a child's eyes. This is why I find it impossible to believe not one person out of all your reviewers has made this point to you.



After this it takes until page 75 till you decide to reveal the big plan of your story--the name sake, and title--the million dollar morgan heist. It's also by this point you should know most of you readers/viewers have left. Some screenplays are sometimes only 10 more pages than when you decide to hatch your big plan. Anyone expecting any action/adventure or sci-fi would have put this down at page 20.


I would normally say that you need to condense the story down so that the time travel/baseball card aspects happen in the first 20 minutes, and the major plot point of the Morgan heist be revealed no later than page 30 or even 40, but I disagree so strongly with your theory of time travel that I would recommend a different approach.

Of course this is just one man's opinion--so take it with a grain of salt.

Before I start this review I should point out that I am a writer in competition with Richard in Amazon. This fact is what makes this review ever so painful.

Here goes:

Richard, you would be what I call a “repeat everything you read” reviewers nightmare. These are the people that read that putting adverbs and flashbacks in your screenplay are big no-no’s. I always thought these “rules” insane(ly) stupid. It's when you run across a screenplay like this, that you see that story, concept, and the ability to hold the readers attention, is King.

****SPOILER ALERT**** Please do not read this review if feel knowing events will ruin your reading of this screenplay.


Screenplay and my thoughts:

I am big on starting any screenplay off with an attention getter. You provide this in spades. How much bigger can you get than a 100 foot robot causing havoc? This sets the tone and speed quite nicely for this screenplay. Some screenplays give you a quick start and then let up a bit after. Yours did not. Although there wasn’t a 100ft robot destroying things after this, you gave us an equally interesting premise to move onto–Professor Savage. His quick wit and immediate unfolding funny situations not only hold the readers attention, but keep them enthralled. The exchange between agent Steel is exactly the type of writing needed for the introduction of Savage and Hugo. You realize right away that even if there isn’t action taking place, some great dialog will take over. The unfolding plot is one that demands you keep reading and love doing so.


The part in the “Mad Psychiatrist's”office I would change the last Flashback of his getting rid of the smog in LA to something else. It would come across as the same sight gag as in Florida. Maybe have him try and cause a Tsunami in Hawaii. You can the show a group of surfers enjoying the best waves of their life.

I didn’t like the scene where Evil Hugo was talking to the U.S. Ambassador and said “offer me money” —“offer me power”– “offer me anything I desire”

It seemed way too close to the scene from The Princess Bride where Inigo Montoya was asking the same things. I almost was expecting “I want me father back you son-of-bitch”.

This screenplays would have enough comparisons to other movies to add other.

Next--Hugo:
My favorite character in quite a while. The way you use this character is just simply amazing. To re-imagine the same character every few pages is a sight to see. You have the reader run through the gamut of emotions for the several incarnations in such a way that I am envious of. I don’t just mean the different versions either. I mean that we at first see the first incarnation as nothing but an lumbering ox that we quickly like, and then feel sad as we see the special relationship between he and savage(very father and son). This is followed by a self sacrifice that solidifies these emotions. It takes someone truly gifted at character development to pull this off.

Now for a Hugo dislike:
You can’t have it both ways with teenage hugo. You have shown him to be a highly intelligent entity as a result of the gene splicing he received. He was doing complex math and figuring out "right from wrong" quickly. You can’t have him sounding like the same lovable Hugo from the beginning “Hugo no like this” or “Hugo not go back to basement” just doesn’t fit with what you have already shown he can do.

Second dislike:
You need to change your logline. It’s a misleading representation of what this screenplay is about. It might have sounded like a good premise, and in fact have been what one of your early drafts portrayed, but now it is about a super villain needing to find a way to save the world from one of his own creations. Actually I quite like that.

Commercial aspects:

Here's where things get touchy. I absolutely love the screenplay, BUT I am not a buyer or producer. This the point of view a reviewer must take in order to truly benefit the author. I think you need to scale this work down to a level that would enable it to become an animated family movie. That means taking out the areas that are questionable to people that would bring a younger audience to see this. I won't point them out--someone intelligent enough to write this material knows exactly what I'm talking about. You have achieved what it takes TEAMS of writers to do in many "family" films, and that is hit many levels of entertainment. What someone in their 30s is amused at, is being laughed at by children for different reasons. These type of writing skills are sought after because these are the movies that are making 100s of millions. Take my advice or don't take it--all I can say is that the last time I was wrong about something--I found out I was mistaken.

Technical matters:
You need to find a better font for this RIGHT NOW! I had to put the whole thing in bold to read it. Whatever you are using now puts everything so close together that the letters seemed combined. You also need to fix your character headings. There are many places where you see TEENAGE hugo and SaVage.Caps and then lower case. Also some lines capped that are not needed.


In closing:
I will say that many people add the line "I hope to see this made some day" and after a while you realize it's just a something people say to keep the writers hopes up. This is not the case with me. This is truly something I would like to see made. I have read several screenplays at Amazon, and I think I just read what would most certainly be in the running for the top prize.

Best of Luck
Paul

This was a very good story that really had me rooting for the bad guy. I liked the Aaron character and thought he was very nicely developed. So much so that we forgive his actions and even see why he feels the need to do what he does. It similar to watching the Sopranos. You know who the bad guys are bet you still root for them. I did have some problems with it though. First was the start, you really need to get rid of the unnecessary filler material before your reader loses interest in the story. I also need more of a reason why Billy tries to have Aaron killed. You have a couple of somewhat minor scenes where "looks" are exchanged by never really give us a good reason why he would do something so drastic. Otherwise this was very well told and very visual screenplay. I find it makes reading much much easier when we can truly envision the mood and surroundings. You definitely accomplish that. BTW without ruining the ending for anyone else, I really loved it. It was unexpected and that's always something I look forward to in a screenplay.


These are some minor things I noticed as I read I normally put page numbers, but can't in RTF.

PAUL
I wish I knew what to say. He's such a stubborn guy...
He puts an arm around her -- straddling the line between friend and suitor.
PAUL
...you going to okay?


You going to “be” okay?

A little further down where Paul asks if he could take Catherine to the prom.
AARON
I could give a shit.

I know some people say it this way, but It’s “I couldn’t give shit’ saying it the other way implies he does care.


farther down

BILLY
Do you know what we do?
AARON
I don't have any illusions

did you mean to say “delusions”?


BILLY
We're like any other organization, the smarter you are, the higher you'll rise.

I really like this line. It would be the kind of thing that would be used to market this to viewers.


This convo between Aaron ad Paul seemed cheesy and is so cliche that it took your screenplay right back into the 80s. Find a cleaner better way for Paul to get his point across. Or maybe just have him smile and wink at him.
AARON
You should arrest him.
PAUL
I will.
AARON
I hope you get a medal.
PAUL
I don't need one. Putting you away will be enough.



Best of Luck
Paul

Hi Beau,


The Good:
Thank you for the opportunity to read Desert Rose. This was a very quick and interesting read that gives you some of that old western feel. The story starts off with a good foreshadowing of events when a student brings up the subject of justice. The beginning is a tad slow as we are introduced to our main Characters Rose And Fights-with -words , but this reader forgives this because he understands the need for character development. The action and inciting incident occurs when there is murder and case of mistaken identity. This is also where we are introduced to one of the better bad guys I have read in quite a while. This being the very powerful and scary Flint. This is the kind of character older actors would love to get their hands on. The story really picks up pace after the murder and reader is treated to some good action and fighting scenes. They are also treated to one of my favorite characters in the screenplay, Hears-Like-A-Coyote. I was always very partial to the old Indian from "The Outlaw Josey Whales" and this character really reminded me of that character. It also help add some dimension to Rose and Fights-with-words. We got to see them interact with someone other then themselves. One of the biggest pluses for me in this screenplay was the ending. I always love a good revenge ending and one that has a strong woman accomplish the feat is quite a nice change.

The Bad:

I feel you need to go over the dialog of Fights-with-words and Hears-Like-A-Coyote.
Too often they are indistinguishable from any day Joe Shmoe from Cleveland. They need to sound more like where they're from---the late 1800s. I understand that Fights-with-words is school taught, but this doesn't explain Hears-Like-A-Coyote. Even with the school teaching I still wouldn't expect Fights-with-words to sound so crisp and clean.

I don't like the transition of time in this screenplay. You have them start their run when Rose has morning sickness and it goes on till after she gives birth. This means that they were supposed to be chased for 7 or 8 months? If that was the case, the reader would be thinking two things. Pronghorn Bill is the worst tracker in the history of cinema and there is no way this group would have stayed together that long tracking them.


The Ugly:
I won't put a big spoiler in here. What I will say is that some people should never be scalped. You may infer it, but not to subject the reader to having to visualize it. I would imagine a producer reading that part and BIG problems with it. I'm not a prude but some things just don't need to see the light of day.

Overall good work and good luck

Paul

Very good job with this one. It is quite obvious that this screenplay was not written by some stumbling bumbling amateur. This screenplay was written by someone very,very good at her craft. This was clearly evident(at least to me) because of the extremely smooth flowing dialog(with just a couple exceptions listed below) and equally well developed characters. Each with a very distinct voice and each quickly elicits the emotion the writer wants us to feel for them.
Bree: We instantly take to her as we see her as the loving nurturing mother type.
Gabe: Very quickly see he is the a moral and decent guy that is quick to protect Bree
Vince and Lisa: Are just as quickly established as people we will hate. I found the way you did it with Lisa quite interesting. You simply showed that she looked away when Chelsea wanted attention while Bree looked on, Very simple yet very effective.

The story itself was a very interesting way to come at a Horror, by combining it with Drama. I believe we don't see this because it is taxing enough to try and write in one genre--let alone two. Especially these two. That said you did a masterful job of pulling it off. I did take off one star for Story structure because I think you needed to establish a little more of the foreboding feel early on in the script. You had the right idea when you showed the flash in the beginning of the drowned Chelsea. Just one or two more of these type of surreal flashes would remind the reader that they are reading a horror in the first act.

Now these are just a few thoughts I had as I read.

1. Unless I missed it somewhere, you need to establish why these four people are so close. I know that you say Gabe and Bree were friends long before she was married to vince, but how? and why was she always around Chelsea? Was Bree her Nanny?

Even though these questions were answered, I left this in because I felt some the answers came too late in the screenplay. I can't tell what page because of this damned Rich Text File. But it was very late in the screenplay that she tells the Priest(I think it was him) that Chelsea was her Goddaughter. One line saying this in the beginning would take care of that and explain why she was always with her.


2. I don't like the scene where Gabe and Bree are packing up Chelseas things in a garbage bag right after her death.
It is much too soon and personally I don't think a father could stomach throwing anything of his little girls away.

3. I don't know what page it is, but I would change Gabe's Line. It's much too cliche.

DR. HINES
Look, Mr. Freedman, I can see that
you’re angry, but --

GABE
Angry? Lady, you haven’t seen angry
yet.

4. GABE
Chelsea wasn’t my biological
daughter. She asked once what that
meant and I struggled to find the
right words to adequately explain
how special she was and how blessed
I felt to have her call me "Daddy".
(beat)
Finally I told her that biological
children are ones you choose to
have. But adopted children are ones
that God chooses for you. God chose
to make Chelsea my child from the
moment that Lisa and I met.

This is fantastic stuff here.

5. VINCE
Why are you telling me this? Now?

BREE
The truth shall set you free.


This came off as a little cheesy for me.

6. Great ending with some really good reveals. This is what every reader(at least the smart ones) hope they get. Some good twists that make you sit back and take notice of some clever writing.


See that wasn't so bad.

OK, Overall a really great job on a wonderfully told story.
I wish you the best with this.
Paul

It was a bit choppy but I won't hold it against you because it may have been my computer. Overall it did what a trailer is supposed to do and that is garner my interest for more. I also would have liked to have seen the scene with the laser extended just a few more seconds. The background music was perfect for this and it gave the clip a very authentic feel.