T-Squared Los Angeles

Fun fall from grace story. Always wondered what the real lives of "happy" "on" fun park
characters are like behind the scenes- great choice of subject matter.

Great voice for Jake- you can hear how much of a pompous ass he is. Would like to see more about how he changes- add scenes where he gets nicer to kids, is more humble.

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Emma has some fun quips -

"Last time the huge favor ended up with me in the backseat of a cab with your creepy uncle".

"This would be so much sexier if you were in tights."

"He lived in his mother's basement and has a rather sizable doll collection."

"KFC does some pretty tremendous work."

You give her some awesome lines. LOL
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Nice backstory on Emma.

Harry's a nice foil to Jake- frugal, real dude like.

Watch tense in action descriptions-

Ex. She walks, instead of she is walking.

You can use more contractions too if you like.

Could reduce/drop bits at the beginning of sentences like well, hey, so, aw.

p. 25

Emma : You being going here long. been?

p. 27

James: need "the" in front of Yogo set
Jake: need question mark at end of: What do you mean you don't know

I agree with the above reviewer about the scene when Jake is on set- perhaps he could pick up a photo of a little blonde girl in pigtails at the beach with her dad or something more like that.

Great last line- play on words- paws! I want to know what happens to the now :)
Would like to see Emma get re-inspired to finish her paintings, pursue art as a career?

Very, very cute story- underlying message- it's nice to be kind to kids.

Mr. Jinglebells, Fred Savage, Mr. Roboto, Martha Stewart- hilarious. Mil-lay-wauk-kay, just like in Wayne's World! party time. excellent.

Great concept.

Watch the use of exclamation points. Tiny grammar changes (like Futterman's to Futtermans-- context: "Burn the sheets after the Futtermans leave".

Fun stuff- ever seen the book- http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Villain-Laughs-Secret/dp/0811846660?

On clones- good- kind of like in Ugly Americans, the episode where Mark clones himself:
http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=363409&title=marks-clone

could play on Aeon Flux film too.

Flying saucers from Uranus, uh oh!
good play on words