BOGDAN HERETOIU

The story stays fresh all the time, Jason is a well written character, and the plot is both scary and funny - not in a horror way.

My only issue is related to the beginning and the way the identity theft took place. The entire beginning seems rushed.

Nice writing, Robert.

This is not the movie for a low IQ crowd. Either you pay attention to the details, or you go do something else. Unlike most action/thriller/sf movies out there, this one keeps you tied to minimal space and maximum dialogue. I must say that I enjoyed a good break from bombs, bullets, and profanity. This script has a well-rounded dialogue, maybe at times redundant - but due to the pace and the plot itself, it all makes sense.

My suggestion, wait for these 18 months that Amazon requires...meanwhile, show if you can to a few agents and try to get it in the hands of your main two envisioned actors. THEN, if nothing works, produce the movie yourself.

The story structure can be improved a bit, but do not mess with it, because it flows.

I must say something though. By the tenth page I think, I knew exactly where this is going...which, is not a very good thing. The point of a good script is to be unexpected yet predictable within limits.

I am glad you switched roles a bit at one point, because I did not see that one coming.

So, I think that the Old Man gives too many hints.... THREE will do. Anything more becomes too obvious, which is a shame because the plot rocks.

One question: how did the Old man KNEW that the young man WILL ANSWER THE AD? That is one of the points I thought it was a bit weak in the structure itself....Deus Ex Machina, if you know what I mean.

A different kind of luring in would help maybe, BUT, again, not necessarily. I simply made a note of it as I was reading, but it did not took away from the story itself.

Nice work. When and if you crew up, look me up.

Bogdan

Do you remember Police Academy? Well, this script has the makings of the same kind of classic. I can't say too much about it, that would make it better....Here are a few comments:

Somehow, I would have liked to have the characters better built. The story works great as it is, but it slightly lacks on back-story on the characters. It feels like every one blends into a group character, which is great if that's what the intention was. The pace of the story also might have something to do with the decision to create the characters as such. I think that if each person in the story gets their own story, better expressed, then the script would gain in commercial value, as well as gain more interest from potential producers and actors.

Story structure is great, except towards the end where it feels a bit rushed. When it comes to characters' transformation, the script lacks certain strength, but that's also part of the overall pace.

Otherwise, this is an intelligent and wicked comedy with a lot of potential. I hope you get an agent and make it to the next level.

Thanks for sharing :)
Bogdan

I first thought I'll read this script over a couple of days. Instead, I kept reading until it was done. Therefore, there is a good premise in there, a good story.

What confused me is the structure and the characters. The dialogue also takes away from what "it could be", sometimes acting like breakers instead of pushing the story forward. Maybe there is too much dialogue, all together.

I also felt the need to have a better established location/period/surroundings. Because the story speace is not well defined, the action seems to float, unstructured.

There is good humor, a great sense of political parody, but it needs more careful consideration.

My gut feeling is that the writer rushed this one, and rushed it too much. It could be a great fun story, with lots of action and some good surprises.

Formatting was an issue, but not so much as to hinder my reading.

I want to read the next draft - please let me know when you have it up!
Bogdan Heretoiu