Terry Coffey (Studio City)

I read and reviewed the 7th draft of AMERICAN ANTHEM awhile ago and aside from the ending, I felt the story was strong and entertaining. There also were a few areas where the dialog seemed overly polite but the only real negative aspect of the story that stood out considerably to me at the time, was the attraction Jenna and Kayla had to Eric. With this new 13th draft you give us a more satisfying ending and my apprehension to the attraction the girls have toward Eric has been lifted.

I don't know much about speed skating, only that I love to watch it during the televised Olympic games. It's an exciting sport to see, the speed, the rivalry, the rush, it's all exhilarating and suspenseful. I experienced all of that and more in reading "American Anthem. It was a rush, maybe even hyper, and it should be. Great job on your revisions, it's easy to see that you have definitely made the story stronger. I can't wait to see your upcoming test film, if it's anything close to the script it's going to be an awesome experience.

A good movie to me is escapism, a moment to peek into someone else's world and live that experience with them. JIVETOWN was successful in that authentically it was a world unto itself. I did feel the plight of Jimmy and I wanted to root for him. This is a definite candidate for the quinessential "feel good" movie.

I love the dancing aspect of the story and at first I thought I was going to get a new take on the film "Footloose", which I loved, but instead you sort of teased me with the dancing and decided to focus more on the doomed relationship of Jimmy and Selena. My thinking is since you already elude to the fact that the relationship is a farce, why not give us more of a story of how dance gave hope to Jimmy to rise out of his poverty and predicaments. I saw some of this with the introduction of the Old Man character but I think it would be more effective if it was shown to him through dance, as the visual is always better than the "tell".

I was really hoping for a dance finale at the end. Jimmy's last Hoo-Ra to prove that he has what it takes to make it....There is life after Selena and maybe Becky isn't as great of a dancer as her but in the end Jimmy teaches Becky to be and both turn out to be better people than they ever thought...winners, whether they end up together or not.

As you can tell from my comments I wanted the story to continue because it seemed somewhat unnatural and unfulfilling to end as abruptly as it did. Overall I liked the story and the fact that I didn't want it to end is a testament to how successful you were at creating an experience of escapism.

P.S. I love the title, I wouldn't change it. I'll email you my notes. Great job!

My favorite kind of movie is a suspenseful thriller. One that draws you in immediately from the first five pages. Very seldom am I lucky enough to experience one that also forces me to think, solve and predict. "Broken Vessels" is that kind of script for me. It opens with a killer prologue in an unfamiliar world. It's uncomfortable and tense, but most of all it assumes the audience is smart. Whether or not that's true or not, I like to think so. The story is not just an invitation to a mystery but a challenge to unravel it.

Although "Broken Vessels" has been compared by reviewers here to films like "Skeleton Key" and "Dead Again", my take on it is much different. The epic range of Trevor's story reminded me more of the complexities in "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button". A script I still marvel at today even more so than the actual film itself. "Broken Vessels" certainly has the same magic, especially in the first act. It's in the second act where it loses steam. I think what made the complex script for "The Curious Case...." work so well was that the flashbacks were 98% of the storytelling. The real-time scenes were scarce, very short and compelling in their brevity. I think if "Broken Vessels" allotted more time to flashback storytelling and shortened the apartment scenes considerably, those scenes in the apartment would be even more powerful and feel much less redundant. I'm aware the apartment scenes build the Old and the Young Man's characterizations, but I wonder if the same thing could be accomplished with just more potent, brief dialogue in less scenes?

There's really nothing new I can say in terms of constructive criticism that hasn't already been said. I think valid points have been expressed that could make the script even stronger. The apartment scenes are great in the first act. I would even say perfect. In the second act the redundancies of the scenes wear on you somewhat and the flashbacks (although intriguing), aren't long enough to compensate for it. Dialogue, mannerisms and actions seem overly repeated and therefore salacious. It left me longing to know more about the Young Man's character outside the apartment. What was his world like before he entered the Old Man's? What's really at stake for him?

I wanted the Young Man to leave the apartment, ponder, interact in his own world but then return to the Old Man because ultimately he's no different than me...the audience, who could never resist an invitation to a mystery and a challenge to unravel it.

So far I have only read the first 15 pages of this script. Hence the title "First 15 page review" but I swear I was rolling laughing at Pauly's voiceover. It's hysterical fun. I think everybody knows a real person that has a similar personality. You just want to hang out with him because you know he's going to say something funny and keep you laughing. Pauly does that, but it's kept in the back of his mind and we only hear it through his voiceover. The synopsis says that this scenario changes further in the story and I can only imagine what would happen if the people around Pauly start hearing what he's actually thinking. That's a great set-up for some serious comedy. His parents Gail and Mike seem to be a riot into themselves without even trying. I look forward to experiencing the rest of this script. The first 15 are very strong!

I can only speak for the first 15 pages because I haven't read the remainder of the script yet, but I have to say after reading those initial pages it certainly makes you want to read the whole thing. I found the introduction intriguing and compelling. There's great descriptive imagery here, enough to make you actually visualize the film that you're reading. I thought the dialogue was very realistic and human as well. I certainly was able to grasp the tone and mood of winter and its relation to the story. I want and need to know what happened to Calvin and why Dom is reacting the way that he does.

The only negative aspect I could see was the large blocks of exposition. Professionals may have a problem with it but I was so enthralled with the story I didn't really mind it.

There is a level of writing here that hovers way above what's expected. I really liked what I read and interested in discovering how this story unfolds.