James C. Schlicker (Atlanta)

“To review another writer’s work is like telling a stranger what’s wrong with their child.”

CRIMINAL JUSTICE pulls you in with the first 10 pages and maintains a steady pace throughout the script to keep the reader interested. The story revolves around a female detective and her partnership with a reporter to bring justice, or revenge on their part, for the murder of loved ones by the same criminal element. The script is violent but references sexual activity and dismemberment of certain parts of the body more than describing it for show to film. This works well as the script is plenty visual with the author’s written word.

The story contains a surprise ending that is kept pretty well concealed until the final pages, though would be a spoiler for wanting to see the film a second time around.
Some elements of the story are much like others in this genre as far as cop after bad guy for retribution but the author has added enough touch in a different way to stamp this one a story you’d remember because of the story.

The author is at his best with dialogue in the script, but the subtext and the way the action is delivered could use some work.

WHAT’S GOOD: Each page is neat and clean, meaning lots of white space, and that’s good. Description is kept to the minimal required to deliver the message. The dialogue is believable and well written A very visual read and not boring.

WHAT IT NEEDS: EMMA and FRANK, the two protagonist, need more substance. We need to know more about them and their quirks. There needs to be real emotion built into both to add more drama in their interaction with each other. Give them secrets that only the audience will know until it’s time to divulge it to others, like the hit man in MAN ON FIRE that carried the bullet he had tried to kill himself with in his wallet after it had failed to discharge. This meant something to him that no one else knew about until it was time to reveal it.

WHAT’S WRONG : More attention needs to be paid to spelling and grammar. Example: p.11- “You made detective in four years and now your fucking it up.” Should be you’re not your. P. 48- Boston post road, should be all caps, Boston Post Road. P. 66- “You Know what happens,” should be “You know what happens.” These are just a few of the misspelling and grammar problems I noticed. We all make mistakes with words but if the wrong eyes see them it doesn’t reflect well on the writer.

An interesting, well written story. Good job.
jc

“To review another writer’s work is like telling a stranger what’s wrong with their child.”

The Mishima Incident tells the story of a reporter’s friendship and observation of Japanese radical Yukio Mishima.

I have no personal knowledge of either man or the incident that is written about which I take was a true happening some forty-years ago. I applaud the writer for taking on the task of bringing a story, I feel must be dear to his heart, to the written word because accomplishing the feat of writing non-fiction has to be a major task. Without the aid of one’s imagination to spice up the writing the characters must really be compelling to pull it off.

At best the script reads more like an independent film rather than big studio. Except for the beginning when Mishima takes the general hostage and the bloody ending the script drags along. The entire second act deals with the relationships between Henry and Mishima, Henry and Charly, Henry and Peter, and Henry and Akiko. While developing the players is necessary they need to be interesting at the same time. They all need more traits to identify themselves to the reader so the reader would know who they are without ever knowing their name if that makes sense. I think the writer should take some liberties with the story because it really needs a kick-in-the-butt.

If nothing else Mishima and Henry need a lot more drama injected into them. I’d like to see Mishima’s Jesus complex, meaning in the writer’s own words his dying is necessary to save his people, have a sleazier side that Henry discovers in his investigation and when confronted with it Mishima must answer for. Even have Mishima have knowledge of a not so wonderful Henry to retort back with. Something they can yell and scream at each other about. Keep the audience awake.

I didn’t care for the ending as it is. I think the words would work better if used in voice over as Henry’s thoughts reveal his feelings as he stares out over a sunset at the beach and lets the photo of him and Mishima on Mt. Fuji blow with the wind out to sea.

I actually think a lot more voice over could be used, particularly with the opening. This is really Henry’s story about a Japanese man who refused to leave the past for the future. I think it would work better told like that.

DEFROST is a story that holds your interest from beginning to end and that’s something the writer should take pride in as that is not the case in the majority of the scripts I’ve tried to read on Amazon.

To me as the story unfolds and Josh fulfils his desire to live again I’m reminded of probably the most famous line ever written for film: “There’s no place like home.” From almost the moment Josh was brought back his main focus was getting back. Kind of like “you don’t realize what you have until you lose it.”

As I read and Josh was placed in cryonic sleep I wondered to myself if his family would be following his example with their lives. I didn’t have to wait to long to have the thought answered as knowledge of Josh’s wife Annie’s desire NOT to follow that course was revealed and there was nothing Josh could find indicating anything different of his children. For me this left an unanswered question as to why a man who loved his family would want to come back to a world void of the ones that loved him. I suppose you could reason his thinking would be Annie would change her mind once he was frozen but if that was the case I think it should have at least been insinuated as a possibility.

Anyway, once Josh is awakened in the year 2210 he finds that though technology has boomed man has remained the same greedy scheming individual to look out for he always was. I kind of felt Myra had something up her sleeve early on. Nice way to deliver her justice in the end I thought and still give her a chance to redeem herself. The one thing I’m not sure on is if when Josh learned to “transcend time” if he actually went back to 2010 or if transcending time was a mental thing that let him actually feel and think he were back in that time period I guess you could take it either way but maybe it could be spelled out just a little better so as to no guessing on it.

A very nice script well written.

At 141 pages FINDING FAITH is much to long for any film other than an epic. For a comedy it should be between 90 and 100 pages. Now the story is good and the dialogue for the most part is brilliant for the genre, but a lot of work is needed on this one. You’ve got what could be a shining diamond buried in the mud and mire.

I’ll have a little more to say on that after I share my thoughts as I took notes during the read:
When a character is introduced for the first time their name is always CAPITALIZED completely. I don’t remember this being done even once.
P.1 – You can use the presidet’s office in the slug line as you did but once inside you need to first say RECEPTION AREA then when the secretary takes John into meet Mark add MARK’S OFFICE so we know we’ve gone from one room to the other.
P.5 – First time I noticed use of camera angles. DO NOT USE THEM. That’s for shooting scripts, not spec.
P.13 – To David needs to be under LORI’S name in dialogue not set along in action.
LORIE
(to David)
P.14 – Guest in 50’s. Don’t know if the guest is male or female. You need to say.
P.17. – You’re already in the house here but you still have to say what rooms you’re in because each room is a separate scene. So use: UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS then BEDROOM – CONTINOOUS, etc.
P. 23 – Through page 23 story works as a teen flick. Not bad so far.
P.23 – Phone needs to be answered with David shown as (listening) under his name in dialogue.
P.32 – Kenny and John speaking in unison need to be on same line for character dialogue. KENNY/JOHN
P.37 – Here ACT 2 begins. It should begin around page 27 if at all possible or as close to that as you can get.
P.38 – Too many students speaking over each other to write as separate dialogue. Try: The students CLAMOR over each other praising Brother Kratz words. Might be funny to show the students “texting” while praising him, not really paying attention.
P.39 – EXCELLENT dialogue from David on being stuck in hell with the Japanese. May be funniest in script.
P.41 – Keep description in action to no more than 4 lines.
P.45 – You stay in scenes sometimes too long. When David says “I noticed and we’re not going there” you should have immediately gone to the scene at the Crazy Horse and just have the extra guys along say a line or two on how they got there completely doing away with the scene before the bar.
I’m skipping a lot of pages here because of repetition from above notes.
P.80 – You have people in the congregation speaking in your action descriptions. They can only speak in dialogue. There are 16 lines in description here. Break them up into no more than 4 using them before the character you’re describing speaks.
P.92 – INTERCUT needs to be placed as transition format. Same place as FLASHBACK and DISSOLVE TO:
P.106 – David has called Grace, here. Delete Grace at her apt. and on the phone. Not necessary. Keep it as David telling Grace what she needs to know. The audience will know Grace is listening.
P. 112 – Grace leaves crying. David slaps the table. (Why? Did the table make him mad?) Try: Crying – Grace hurries away. David – angry at himself, SLAMS his fist to the table.

Now, this is a good piece of work. For a first script you’re to be commended. You have talent and you can polish this baby into something special for you but it’s going to take time and vision. I would take this great story you have thought of and cut, cut, cut. As I read the 2nd act and we got to the graduation and David’s assignment at the church I was thinking the school is where this story should stay and end because developing the school story and then the church story is like watching two different movies at once; but I think if you want to take this script past just being a teen flick you need to ditch the school part and go with the church because you’ll have a bigger audience and a richer, deeper story. This one would be a dramady and I think you’d be glad you changed it, but I wouldn’t keep both. I would make David a little older. Still a worthless rich kid that never grew up but maybe a gambler who takes the bet he can’t fool a certain congregation who can’t hold a pastor into believing he’s the real deal. Keep your storyline from the church on and watch the character arc into the good guy David becomes in the end. You can still involve David’s family but you need a new beginning. You’ll never hold a reader’s attention in a competition with the way it starts to ever have them get to the meat. You have the first 10 pages to grab your reader. In those first 10 we need to see David, the bum he is, and see something else that makes us want to see more so we keep reading.

You’re a damn good writer. Dialogue is the hardest part of screenwriting and you’ve got that down. I call it natural talent. You can’t teach dialogue. You either have it or you don’t. You’ve got it. Now fix the rest.
jc

OPEN is a good comedy script but wayyyyyyyyy too long with wayyyyyyyyyyy too much dialogue and not enough action, but still good. I could never write a script like this but I enjoy seeing films like it so it wasn’t heard for me to visualize the many scenes as I poured through the screenplay. I kind of wanted to see something develop out of the ordinary here as I read but ended up with the guy loses girl, guy has ambition but no takers, guy finds different girl, guy gets break on ambition and chance at his dream. It’s a good script and I like it a lot, but it’s the same thing we’ve seen a thousand times. But scripts like this are generally all the same and generally do well.

I’m not sure why you submitted this as a shooting script instead of straight spec. Just a spec script would have actually been an easier read.

Some suggestions and things I noticed:
The first INTERCUT, I believe, was on page 11. You don’t need to add (show both sides of conversation). We all know what INTERCUT means.
P.16 …Tye gets up and gives him “Dap.” If you had not spelled it out as a handshake I would have no idea what you were talking about. It would be okay to use that in dialogue but I don’t think it works well in action or subtext.
P.53 miss spelled should be “misspelled” in Dude’s dialogue.
P.73 BEAT should stand alone on its on line and not next to the dialogue or action. I saw this more than once.

That was a nicely written scene at Dude’s death bed, though when he left her Kriss didn’t know he wouldn’t see her again.

Funny scene at Dude’s funeral with the woman shouting, “Annie Mae!” It made me think of Ike (Lawrence Fishburne) yelling “Annie Mae” in “What’s Love Got to Do With It.”

Nice ending but I wanted to know how much the check was for.

Good script!

Okay. Tim, I’m guessing this is your first script. Maybe I’m wrong, but there’s too much wrong with DATE of DEATH for me to be too far off.

The idea itself is smart. This is a story that has limitless potential with a little imagination applied. I’m not going to get into the storyline with the review because personally I wouldn’t know where to start it’s so out of whack. I’ll just tell you what I see and hope you understand nothing I say is meant to be mean spirited.

The most important part of any script is the first 10 pages. Somewhere in those first 10 lies the inciting incident. The nearest I find of the inciting incident is the “Death Ray” that doesn’t do its job and accusations of conspiracy evolve and the chase is on. This is needed in those first 10 pages not deep into the story as is. It could have been someone else number was up that Josh knew personally and that would be enough to tie him in somehow much earlier. Just a lot of things you could do with this one. What you’ve got with the way it is now is a chase script that starts way too late and is in many ways confusing.

Some things to work on:
Jessica is introduced in dialogue on page 1 w/o any description of character. All characters are introduced the first time in CAPPED letters and most with some sort description.
Sentences are left running together in too many places, (beginning page 1) to note.
There are misspelled words and left out punctuation marks throughout the script. The usage of the correct word is wrong in many spots. Example: your, should be you’re, etc.

My advice would be to read as many screenplays as you can that come from produced films. They are all over the internet and will give you a better idea of what your script should look like.

When I began writing I bought a paperback titled “How to Write a Selling Screenplay” by Christopher Keane. That one, or any like it, will spell everything out for you.

Again, a great idea that needs a big overhaul. Good luck with it!