T.N. Lewis

I must say, you have done some interesting things with this script and I praise your creativity. You drew me in and I was eager to see how the story wrapped up.

After I finished, there were still a few unanswered questions that nagged at me (sent you studio mail with my detailed notes), but all in all, the twists and turns kept me guessing and I enjoyed much of the time spent with the local police in Baird. Your characters were colorful, but I really wish I had seen more emotion/reactions from your protagonist (especially earlier on). Also, I'd like you to give us a little more of Bobby Jo and Harper interacting with each other. Show more of their history and banter, etc.

I'd also like to see the lack of media attention addressed a little earlier in the script. It had been bothering me for probably 10 or 20 pages before it was mentioned.

Keep track of how much time has elapsed between events. I'd tighten up your time frame for the longer-term events (two weeks since Brooke's disappearance seemed too long).

A very interesting read for me. Not my usual genre, and considering that, excellent job holding my attention!

I'd post more here, but I don't want to give the story away and I already sent you the ridiculously long full notes (sorry I wrote so much). I hope you find them useful. :) Good job.

Your page count is great and your paragraphs of action lines are small. Really refreshing to see that. :)

I checked your earlier (first) draft page count and this edit is much shorter. That's great, but this new version needs cleaning up. There are bits of information missing here and there that left me scratching my head and searching pages for stuff I thought I missed. I believe they may have been cut for length and not noticed as you went over this version of the script. Clarity is lost as a result. You know your story, but I don't. Make sure you properly introduce and describe things. Rewrite and fill in some of those gaps. If you cut some things, here and there you must tailor things to match this version of the script.

Dialogue is at times too wordy for 12 year-olds. Simplify and make it less formal.

I had conflicting feelings about Allie. She seemed a little too out for her own interests/self-centered early on (ignoring a kid getting shoved, talking back to her mom, etc.) but also (later) saving the same kid from bullies. I'd make her a little less selfish and a little more likable early on.

I felt like I kept waiting for the big events to happen. Perhaps you should take a second look at your structure and see if the pacing could be sped up a bit. Personally, I'd really like the pace to move faster to get to the point where she knows she will be a guardian and must defend daniel. The beginning dragged on for me.

Some more characterization of the city and school the kids go to is needed, in my opinion. It is quite a strange place and I am having trouble believing it and the way everyone takes it in stride (swamp, ornate library, training grounds, the strayers, etc.).

I'd also like to see you beef up (develop) daniel's character. He's supposed to be the tenth worthy someday. Give us more a glimmer of that and less of him being a timid geek.

You obviously have a very detailed story that you have worked hard on here... but, with pieces missing for me, it seemed to lack believability and some things just seemed a little too convenient.

I'd do a read through of this with someone else or using the final draft narration feature if you have that program. Someone in person (who has not read the script yet) would be preferable, so you can hear where they might be confused and needing more information. Plus, you can ask them questions after reading it through.

I sent you a studio mail with more detailed notes. I hope you find them useful.