Michael Payne (Cape Town)

GET MOTIVATED NOTES for pages 33-60


In my opinion, I think you could stand to have slightly bigger action texts as opposed to many smaller ones.

Overall pretty good stuff, I only found 1 typo I think, it`s mainly grammar I pointed out


I hope this can in some way be helpful



33. 'Once you`re done springing around' Doesnt sound right to me
"A teeny, tiny pool". comma

36. The 3 'Oh my God`s' should probably be broken up with comma`s

37. Instead of LATER, I think you should add a slug line. It just seems they are somewhere else now. It would help to quickly re-establish the scene in the readers mind..


38. 'The boar sniffing action line is a bit out. The boar sniffs, spots collier up the trail... still pissing, nonchalant. The boar gives chase

I would maybe massage it a bit

The boar sniffs as it spots collier up the trail, still pissing, and nonchalant. The boar gives chase

or if I was writing it

The boar grunts, ready to charge the next thing he sees. It stops and fixes it`s sights on collier taking a piss against a tree. collier shakes off, turns his head, and sees the boar charging him


39. collier draws his blade action line. My only thought is that he would proberly draw his blade up high rather than out high.

'Everyone lounges about in ecstacy and eat using their bare hands' sounds very off, 'Everyone lounges about in ecstacy, eating with their bare hands' would work better..

I think the cAMP`S EDGE heading should be replaced with a slug line


42. slug line should replace LATER

'Gang hang around the fire' sounds off, the gang hang part just doesnt sound correct. Maybe just replace 'hang' with 'sit'.


44. 'Artemis stands, wild-eyes with frustrated.'. Wild eyed and frustrated


46. In a script that from what Ive read so far has not been overly wordy, Artemis`s line is very wordy.

When you say Ari traipses to his tent, I imagine him skipping.


47. ''He wakes up with a start and, confused, unhooks himself'. Would work better as, 'He wakes up with a start, confused, he unhooks himself.'

The phrase slashed to tatters sounds wrong, I would say slashed to shreds sounds better, but I think the problem is with slashed. Maybe shredded to tatters?, haha Not sure if that sounds good either, lol


51. Near the end of the page, LATER should be a slug line

54. First line typo, it reads, 'I dont eat soon' aaaarrrrggghhh, this just reminds me of the 2 simple typos I found in my script earlier, damnit, lol.

The action line immediately following that needs an addition of 'and', and Im not sure if the 'hard' works. 'Thanh stands at the mouth of the cave, staring outside, as if looking for a clue.'

55. I have a issue, with the 'burnt area' line, Im not entirely sure why, and If you have mentioned a burnt area prior to page 33 then ignore me. I think it comes down to I dont know what you`re talking about. If you said, 'past a lake', then I dont think my mind would question something like that, because it`s a lake, but burnt area is pretty vague. Just a thought, I could be wrong.

As a reader I would prefer to know who exactly nods

'Ashley pulls away, looks a little embarrased' Should rather read something like 'Ashley, looking a bit embarrased, pulls away'


56. Again, 'most look miserable'. Are some of them happy?


57. 'The gang steer clear of the freezing pool and make their way to the trail leading up the cliff face

I think it might be, 'The gang run through the woods', although Im not absolutely certain, lol.

Plucks it up might not be the best description. It causes me to stop and wonder if that`s right


59. I would use the word 'gang', overall, less, if I were you.

I would say, 'But they`re already disintegrating'


The no`s should be broken up with comma`s in my opinion.

60. I would rethink the descriptors, 'Grim' and 'Deflates'. They dont work well


***
Ive cut most of this review because I was pointing out every little format blooper

I dont know what the deal is with some of your formatting, but you must know:

There`s big spaces between sentences in action descriptions, everywhere.
In most scenes, some of the characters names and dialogue arent in the right place, often times there`s action in the dialogue line

All I can say is I see formatting problems all over, and I would want to know about them if this was my screenplay, but I would really just be repeating myself if I pointed out every last one.

Think of this as a side note, because aside from the formatting, I had a blast going over your pages


Good job

Finally Id also like to offer some explanation to my rating.

Overall I gave you a 3, because while I think your premise has potential, it doesnt exactly smack me in the face with laughs (in premise or execution), and I really like comedy.. If there was a comedy score I would have to give you a 1, but there`s not, and since your story seems to work, and move forward, you can easily add more funny without changing much story.

characters: I havent really learnt much about your characters, at least I dont feel I have. At one point I mistaked a male character for a female character and vice versa (Ari and Artemis). could use way more sexual tension and interpersonal something something. To be fair, Im giving your characters a 3, because Im pretty sure you know them, there actions just dont define them very well yet (again, not something hard to improve)

Dialogue: That get`s a two. Mostly just for lack of comedy. Page 54 was mildly entertaining though. Apparently if your crapping yourself laughing when you write it it`s funny, I go on that. I would strongly advise you to finds lots of inspiration in modern comedies. If you model yourself, so to speak, on classic comedy writers from decades ago, then you write stuff that`s tired. If your goal is to write for movies now, you have to think current, and current means taking risks and moving comedy forward. Just my 2 cents.

Premise is good enough that I would go see the movie, or at the very least watch it online. It could be a winner, 4

Emotion: Needs more emotion, more tension. 1

Structure: Structure seems good, I cant speak for it in it`s entirety, but from the pages I read it worked, so, 4

I enjoyed this script, you should be damn pleased to know that this is the first script that has managed to pull me in enough to keep reading till the end, and it wasnt just because I know the characters and can see them clearly in my head.

Below are my notes, it`s just my opinion, dont take it personally, I might be dead wrong on every point, but it`s just my opinion.

Thanks for the great read! :)

Michael



cons

characters are not original, you might not be eligible for the contests and you might be breaking the law

story doesnt move forward (but near the end it does)

too much talking about stuff that doesnt matter

dialogue needs lots of reworking so that it sounds more natural.

the length of the scene between when they get to Andy`s and when Vernon arrives




pros

Some very funny lines

Easy to imagine the characters

Overall very witty

Pretty funny throughout

Fairly clear simple structure


The script mirrored the original in many ways, possibly too much


After the bit about 'Idols' you totally started losing me. The talking just goes on and on

They didnt talk this much in the original.

By the time it get`s to the cancer bit Im glossing over it.

Also, everyone`s getting along just a little bit too swimmingly. There`s the conflict with Brian`s wife, and then the conflict with claire interupting the kids, it`s not enough.

Then they start on about religion. I understand what you`re doing, like in the original where they all sit around and share their views on everything. I get it, but you should make it more succinct. I actually love the part where Brian asks John if he found God, and get`s a sort of deadpan, 'yes'. That`s good, subltle, funny.

The religious argument overall seems a bit trite. But I do love John`s reactions in this part of the scene, maybe because it`s ironic considering his past, I dont know

important
Them all sitting around voicing their opinions about everything ruins your story
You need to break it up into more scenes

I was wondering whether it makes sense that they all come back for the janitor`s funeral, seems kinda implausible, he might have been a nice guy in the original movie, but it`s not like they were friends. I understand Andy and Allison maybe going since Andy works at the school, but why would the rest come back? I seriously dont see claire doing that? Perhaps in a future rewrite you might want to change the device into something simple, like a school reunion or something, I know, been done, but it would make sense in context and it would make sense them all being there, It`s no more original than the 'funeral to bring people back together' device. Just my opinion

I didnt like how you brought Vernon in, it felt random, but then I learnt he was Andy`s boss and it all felt very natural

Digging the scene after Vernon discovers their`s no more beer. The story feels fresh again. John putting the phone to his ear when he get`s a text is effing legend dude, love it, it`s stuff like that that makes me keep reading. However, the line 'Thanks for telling me first before I embarrassed myself.' doesnt work in my opinion, it makes the funnyness of the moment fall a bit flat, I think rather have him say nothing, or come up with something even more funny. It also seems inconsistent with his personality to be embarrased by something so mundane.

I just had an idea I have to share

Jenny: It`s a text dad.
John: Well, how do I listen to it?

The dialogue is awfully rigged in places. For example, because you are his girlfriend, and, because you`re his girlfriend. Ive seen it in a few places in your script already, and it just takes you out of the story. Obviously it might be intentional in places, but it sticks out bad when Vernon talks like that, because Vernon doesnt talk like that. Also, that whole line about the calendar and Jenny needs to be looked at, it needs to slip out of his mouth more easily

example

Vernon: You on the calendar cause you his chick? Or you his chick cause you on the calendar?

Just my 2 cents, use it, lose it, whatever :)

Vernon`s in and out line, brilliant. Also, he`s 'almost outta beer' line, very good.

Vernon`s scene length feels natural, as opposed to the 2 previous scenes (funeral and lounge) which would be better split somehow, anyway... It flows nicely into Vernon having to leave. It`s nice that there joint comes from him, and it`s nice that it comes in an unexpected way, but, joints dont normally just fall out of my, er, your pocket when you pull out your keys, that`s the only part that seems a bit off to me, Im not saying it`s a terrible device to deliver the spliff, it just doesnt feel right.

The clock joke is lank funny

Again, Vernon`s a pothead?

Flows nicely to the treehouse, which also paints a nice visual picture

John`s line about his dad hating him is excellent. A few lines later you have a typo: claire: 'I`m havent'

The scene cuts nicely to later, and then boom, becky, and then they`re moving...Love the dog shit line!

The pace improves dramatically now, things move forward nicely. The becky thing was unexpected yet expected, if this was a different movie I would suggest that she not only be up for weed smoking, but to pull some crack out her bag or something, just to take it up a level. She gives them a reason to leave the treehouse and it segues beautifully into kids busted, argument, my kids a good kid, all that. And you dont leave it going on too long, good.

I like how the story splits and we get that emotional exposition, but I think it goes on a bit long on Andy`s side

I dig the whole shemale bit and ensuing explantion. I had forgotten about the Allison`s kids until one said mommy.I would definately have a scene of Allison putting the kids to bed and maybe checking on them. Then again, would kids that put babysitter`s in leg locks be easy to put to bed? Especially when there`s company?

The whole cancer backstory isnt very cool, too much sadness...BUT, Brian`s dad`s cancer works, because it`s a short story... Why two cancer backstories dude, lol. That`s so not lol

John virtually chasing Jenny into Blaine`s arms (because they`re drinking beer?) is funny, but not in a good way. Because it`s not really at all implied, it seems like something you may have overlooked. If you could maybe just show the reader that she`s gonna go do something with Blaine now, and maybe have a twinkle in her eye or something

You start to lose me when Andy says he doesnt like his students. While I get it. On some level it makes him profoundly unlikeable, just like a real dick who doesnt care about his students, and I dont think that`s who is. It`s mirroring Vernon from the original, obviously, although if I remember correctly, Vernon didnt like his students because he felt they didnt respect him.

From here the story really drags and Im tempted to skip past cause it`s just loads and loads of backstory. Okay, I pushed through, barely, to much of nothing happening. John offering Brian a job, perfect, him refusing, perfect, all the sorry for myself stuff, not perfect. Make them say what they gotta say in less words and it`l be better

Kids that I assume love you, WAHAHA

Nice montage with a voiceover to end it. You proberly dont need to be repeating the action every time though, but dont quote me on that. Im also pretty sure you arent supposed to add 'cut to' after every scene

I would pay particular attention to the dialogue of John and claire. claire`s a little bit too all the time sympathetic and John, while I understand he`s a changed man, would still have some John in him


Overall, writing wise, and particularly, comedy wise, I think you`re a good writer. You have the funny inside you, but you need to step it up in the delivery

I have in the past thought of the idea of writing a sequal to the Breakfast club and your version is good enough that I would want to rewrite it if I didnt think I was crossing a legal line and wasting my time.

If I was you, I`d find out where you stand legally and in terms of the contests. If it is eligble, you need to get that awesome second draft out.

I think it needs a strong rewrite and some more stuff happening in between to keep things interesting, but it defiantely has potential. Keep all the funny bits and make the mundane backtory and opinions tight and funny. Apologies if Ive repeated myself and/or rambled.

One last thing. Vernon was one of your stronger characters, more of him would be awesome.


Please take a moment to download my script


BADASS

Two losers rig the lottery.


http://studios.amazon.com/scripts/3247