Matthew B. Morrell (Orange County)

There has to be at least a handful of people that were yelling at the screen when we first saw The Wizard of Oz. Those cries most likely sounded similar to", wait, you want to go back to black and white; to Kansas of all places? Are you out of your mind?" Sure, its important to have a proper sense of reality, but come on, if you really had to choose...

...It would be a tough choice. That is the conflict for young Kelly, a girl who has daylight hallucinations about a wonderful Technicolor world... or does she? Or perhaps this one girl is psychically creating a dream world, engulfing our known concept of reality? Nothing will be given away here. Along with Kelly's conflict of which reality to embrace, there is also a sub plot involving the doctors attempting to "cure" her. Then we have Tom, the author who is writing Kelly's story? Imagine a double helix of plot lines colliding into a crazy fire works display, and you nearly have a grip on this story.

Sometimes the story lags, jerks, and then also flows beautifully into an acid trip of Alice proportions. The imagery is beautiful. The concept of questioning ones perception of reality is also intriguing, almost as intriguing as figuring out who is writing the real / dream world.

Removing my bias from this project is difficult because this author pours too many of my favorite things into one script. It's one part 'Stranger Than Fiction,' one eighth 'Matrix' minus the cyber punk, two parts Alice in Wonder Land, and above all a strangely romantic story in general. Despite these things, there are still many areas of improvement.

As far as the ten page per 12 steps of the heroes journey, the story is pretty much on top of things. Could be a little tighter, but that's the least of things to fix.

Characters are good. Never got the impression that I'm reading the same character with a different name, everyone has their own unique feel to them. However, they could be great if the dialogue was up to snuff. Granted, I really enjoyed what was being said. Despite a lack of natural dialogue at times, I was still able to sense a unique voice in each character and understand their point of view. My suggestion is to really act this one out with friends. Get some actors to really get into the characters and record the 'how' of what needs to be said. Never underestimate the power of the read around.

Other than that, this reviewer had a most excellent head trip into a wonderful adventure. Certainly, other readers will do the same.

Sometimes Special Agent isn't a title that will keep you alive in an action flick. Special Needs Agent Ashcroft, this review is dedicated to you. Remember kids, when you're raiding a drug cartel's mansion, follow protocol, don't draw attention to yourself, and always shoot first ask questions later. That is the law of action movies, and this kids is an action flick fit for the big screens.

Promising us a new draft fairly soon, San Diego son Jeremy McCoy gives us a well paced action thriller that will have your adrenaline pumping. It has its few errors in form, spelling here and there, but after some polishing you're going to be happy to strap into this ride.

We start our story off in a living room introducing or heroine Vanessa, and her group. We're relaxed, goofing around, happy... SMASH CUT... police raid! Guns blazing! Law Office? Within the first few pages we have a pretty decent set up of three main plots; kids, cartels, and kids mom the mayor. It boils down to a dirty, Californian cousin of Red Dawn. Replace Soviets with badass drug dealers, but keep the mountains and there you have it. Sit back and take bets on which kid survives till the end.

What is most enjoyable is that for the most part, McCoy does a decent job of juggling the three story lines. The action also flows at a steady pace without getting bogged down in exposition. As a matter of fact, one of the highest points is how little exposition is really necessary. Dirty warehouses, Yosemite National Park, getting stoned in a Bronco: unless you live under a rock these locals are instantly familiar to the reader and enjoyable. When the mobsters are holding the gangster hostage in an abandoned building, you know whats going to happen next. Repetitive and cliched? Only if you watched Reservoir Dogs once. But no one in their right mind did that because we get a kick out those scenes, situations, and characters.

Another highlight, get ready for it, strong female lead. Whoa! Other than the Tomb Raider movies we pretend never happened, I can't recall any studio that didn't want to see a strong female lead kicking ass. She's also relatively average. You don't possibly conceive that this girl will handle a gun in act one. Surprisingly, Vanessa actually evolves by the end of the story. Also, another fun treat was a character that I had put into the dead pool, not only survives, but turns out to be a bit of a bad ass. These cliches that get broken help bring refreshment to what might be over looked as an average action flick.

Some cliches are unavoidable unfortunately. We have a lot of obligatory profanity, which you could loose, but why ruin a perfectly good "R' rating? The real life gangsters aren't bleeped out so why should the fictional ones be? At times though when the drug dealing commandos aren't swearing, they're dialogue is sometimes laughable. Sometimes, not on purpose.
One of my personal favorite dialogues however was when one of the hostages wishes the head bad guy would get eaten by a bear. He responds with", Now that would be entertaining."
Kid ", You're fucking nuts." Reminded me of the Dane Cook stand up. "Hey, are you out of your fucking mind?" Lights fireworks off in his pants ", you really are out of your fucking mind!" The pick a number game was also a pretty good bit. Want to know what I'm talking about? Read the script.

On average, when the characters speak, you can both read it, and say it out loud.

After all is said and done, how does one feel on the inside though? Unless you have a weak stomach for strong language and brutal action, than my guess is you'll enjoy this ride. Some fine tuning is needed of course, but watching a local girl give it to the bad guys (it meaning bullets here) brings a good balance to a dude heavy genre.

Alright well, as the title suggests we have a Frankenstein Pinocchio mash up that would give old Uncle Walt a heart attack. I mean that of course in a good way. There is a lot of high conceptual themes being tackled, or attempting to be tackled, in this script; fate versus free will, destiny, what it means to be human... feels like the Matrix with more knives and significantly less guns.

In a nut shell, we have our main protagonist Johnny, (a soon to be Johnny Mnemonic maybe?). No, the Johnny in this story is birthed from tragedy as he is killed off, resurrected, and becomes burden of being infused with technology all the while evolving at an exponential rate. If you're confused, hold on because we're just getting started. We travel across parallel universes, back and forth in time, and battle secret societies. All this and more while Johnny comes to terms with his identify and makes tough decisions about life, love, and family. Exhausting? Yes. Fun? At most parts, yes.

Now a days comic book adaptations are a dime a dozen. Still, in order to really appreciate this particular script, one must not drop this into the super hero bucket, but rather in the Allan Moore bin of exposition. Ironically enough our author even shares a last / middle name with the king of graphic novels. All that to say like Sir Allan Moore, our author does an admirable job weaving a story to really examine what it means to be human, despite the protagonists mechanical parts. This being a first draft, we still have some trimming to do before we get to a more polished sense of flow. Still, the author paints a fine picture of the worlds we travel to. The circus environment being the most engaging.

Characters are nearly spot on. The biggest upset it a rather drastically changed Johnny at the end of act two. There was a little lead up to megalomania, but it still feels a bit out of the blue. I would have liked to see more struggle even as Johnny is embracing the dark side. Still, you tend to really care what happens to our protagonist which is really the most important thing.

Dialogue needs clipping. Is it bad? Only about as bad as when I still had surfer length hair and quickly realized people don't hire guys that look like sun tanned hippies. The content is fascinating. If you have nerd tendencies and really care about the nature of how stuff works, you'll dig it. But as we found out the hard way when George Lucas tried to write a prequel series, there is a drastic difference between reading and speaking whats on a page. I almost want this to be turned into a graphic novel more so than a film because of how much detail the author wants to convey. But, its in a screen play format now, so the dialogue needs a hair cut to keep the action and pacing moving forward.

Emotionally, again because of the dialogue, I wasn't "moved" per se. However, that also is because I'm a guy and have little to no capacity to "feel" things. That being said there is a lot going on with having to discover one's own destiny, grasping individuality, and the value of love. Those things I dig, and so will general audiences.

Best thing going for this script, a unique tone that blends steam punk, cyber punk and a classic journey to becoming a 'real boy.' The most difficult thing to overcome is the dialogue. The author here clearly has a commanding ability to construct a unique world. It's just a matter of time before this script gets on top of the pile.

It's true, when you're in high school and life sucks beyond your imagination, you can either A. sing about it B. Dance away your trouble C. Pray that you're caught up in a heavily marketed romantic fantasy world. Thank God this script goes for B.

One of the first things that held my attention in the first thirty is that our protagonist isn't the typical middle class white boy struggling to get the girl. He is in fact a lower middle class white kid pining for the popular girl. If you think you know where this is going, you're probably right. However, the author of Jive Town does take care of her characters making them in fact fully human. A lesson that other franchises could learn. I'm calling you out Twilight.

So from the opening pages, clearly this is a dance picture. I didn't count them all, but there are many a dance numbers to make Step-Up or Dirty Dance Dancing think twice about calling themselves "Dance Flicks." Furthermore, its music that people won't admit in public, but still enjoy secretly, swing. Believe me the rockabilly tone delivers a much needed breath a fresh air to the teen / dance movie genera. Its set in modern day but the back beat of the music brings back a classic feel to a familiar story.

Typical plot devices swing in on schedule. Can't have the girl. Home life is unbearable. Friends help, and the main character feels suffocated. Everything you've seen before, but most importantly this script has everything that has worked really well in the past, and it works really well in this story too. Breaking it down to its base elements, all teen stories are intrinsically the same. The real question is weather or not you care about the characters.

The answer of course is yes. Jimmy is healthy 3-d protagonist, and he smokes. Finally. Do I smoke? No. Should your kids smoke? No. Should James Dean-esque struggling teen protagonist smoke? Yes. Enough of this suburbia "whoa is me crap." This kid is dirty, he knows it, but underneath it all the boy has class and some slick moves on the dance floor. Most of all he radiates a desire that all teens relate to, a desire to get out.

Typically, most of the emotion, or the better part of it, is seen out on the dance floor. This author has an incredible ability to write both detailed and precise choreography. Some times this detailed and precise nature doesn't cary over as eloquently to the dialogue. Some parts could still use a bit of the trim. The finally exchange between the bully and Jimmy is pretty spot on though which is a treat as far as a pacing goes.

Was I emotionally moved. Yeah, it got me a bit. I was into almost as much as a good John Hughes flick. The relationship between Jimmy and his biological father was handled pretty well and any other loose ends are taken care of equally as impressive.

This script definitely has potential once Twilight finally dies off and teens will be forced to see quality movies like this one.

Welcome to a world where small town folks are quick to welcome you in, knowing full well that once you're settled in you've just become a permanent resident of... The Twilight Zone.

Like most Twilight Zone episodes, the ordinary world is only briefly mentioned. In the first three pages, one just has to except that the average-white-middle-class family is just that, ordinary. That's all you get. It's very much like downhill skiing. You start at the top of the mountain, waiting at the gate, no time to take in the mountain, beep, and go.

So, most reviews I've posted have been more adverts for the script rather than constructive criticism. However in this case, the exceptional Mr. Thompson has taken the time to look into my script, so here I will actually try and present some notes here...


Everyone else... Spoilers Bellow, read your own copy first -


Page 8 - I am fully aware I am in a creepy town. But here is what throws me. The daughter Karen grew up here. She is willingly returning here with family. When the grandma drops that bomb about weird stuff happening, the scene just cuts. The family are in there beds sleeping like nothing happened. I would have written in at least a pause before moving on.

Page 10 - Luanna is talking, think you meant to say "talking to your mom." Instead of Grandma.

Page 15 - We're barely through Act One and poor old preacher just got wrecked by supernatural. I would have liked to be teased a little bit more before showing off the ghost kids. The Bible bursting into flames, no one at the door, at this point though I would recommend keeping the kids in the shadows.

Page 21 - I really like this line of foreshadowing KAREN "That would be great! Peyton hasn’t had anyone real to play with since we’ve been here. Thanks so much."

End of Page 21 - I really like the subtly of this scene, personally I would have put this before the preacher attack.

End of page 23 - Ok, if we're still in Act one, this interaction between Lilly and Peyton makes me feel a little more comfortable about where you're going with the ghosts. If you're revealing this much about the ghosts, I guess you got something more sinister is on the way.

End of Page 24 - Oh snap, its a baby. You just earned a bonus star on the premise.

End of Page 28 - Note to self never try and put these kids on time out. They will F'ing kill you.

End of Page 29 - Seriously, my main motivation for finishing this script is now entirely based on one question, why is the mom so oblivious to this obviously creepy town.

End of page 30 - Perfect, got it, set up gets us to believe ghosts are normal, what the ghosts are doing with the other kids, not normal.


ACT ONE BREAK DOWN

So what I like the most is when you do take the time to describe the town and surroundings, I get a commanding description of an eastern US small town. I used to live out there and you got the vibe just right. Very Children of the Corn type of feel. Great use of freaky imagery in general.

There are still some weird formatting issues going on. That's not you though, its just RTF but be aware of that, some spacing is off in a few places and what not. I really thought a moments pause was really needed when grandma said weird things happen. Normally when grandma says something bad is going to happen, you listen. Although, having really taken in the first 30 pages, I understand the need to lay down the ghost children as part of the world.

All an all, I'm looking forward to the rest of this, and best of luck to you in the contest.

We all knew that Jig Saw would have to eventually retire. Unfortunately for a newly wed couple living in a dumpy apartment in New York's lower east side, that sick little puppet is now spending his retirement in the same building (More or less). More than a great mascot however, a great horror story in this reviewer's opinion is marked by how twisted the story can evolve into. This is about as twisted as they come. So hold onto your hats as we dive into Home Invasion.

Now it needs to be said that this reviewers' bias towards horror and thriller flicks moves more towards the negative side of the genre spectrum. Even if a story is set up well, the downside is one knows what to expect. That isn't the case here however. While progressing through this screenplay one will have plenty of moments where right as they are on the cusp of figuring things out, the story will spiral sideways into genuine terror. The best part is, not only will you be thrown, but the subtle clues one might have over looked at the start come rushing through your brian just as genuine creepiness overtakes you.

That creepiness is thoroughly planted in a seedy New York apartment. At once both a benign location, and still a truly unsettling venue for trying to start wedded home life. Thus, we plant our central theme of feeling safe within one's own home. After all, as adults, monsters, aliens, and even ghosts aren't what really scare us anymore. The author, Indigo Thomas, knows exactly what really terrifies the modern cynic: lack of control. What better place to feel utterly helpless than our own homes?

Of course that feeling of helplessness is only as strong as the main character you happen to be attached to at the get go. Fortunately for us, Thomas nailed it. During the opening you'll meet Ivy at age fifteen and the gut wrenching tragedy that unearthed any foundation she had for feeling safe in a house. A few years later, we'll meet an Ivy with a nearly perfect harden New Yorker exterior. The idea is that her tough-as-a-bitch exterior is a mask to her past tragedy, but there were some spots where that mask fell a bit early. She's a New Yorker after all. That crowd don't scare to easy. Granted its tough to walk the line between a heroine like Sigourney Weaver's Ellen Ripply and just about every other screaming girl in a horror franchise, but at the end of the day you want to root for Ivy.

You want to root for the husband too. He's not entirely useless. He's not a complete dick. He's not all that charming either, but there are some great scenes that show genuine affection. The other peripheral characters get their chance to show that they have some depth, so you miss them when their gone. Overall its Ivy's show and she does an admirable job sorting through the supernatural and super twisted antagonist. No spoilers. You have to read it.

The dialogue flows. Some bits were really natural coming from the mouths of any newly married couple. At one point, Ivy screams as her garbage can slides half way across the room by itself. When her hubby comes into to investigate, she points to the can. He dead pans with ",You're gonna have to put on your big girl panties and do some of this stuff on your own now." Did we mention that the husband is kind of a dick? No seriously he's training to be a private and leaves Ivy lone while he's at boot camp. (Penis joke here.) The good news is as painful as that was to read, even the few inescapable cliched lines that may have wandered into the script are barely noticeable. Just a little prick. Penis.

Which brings us to the final and most important verdict of any horror movie worth twelve dollars at the box office. Will you be frightened? Well, for starters you certainly won't see the twists and turns coming. Of course there are plenty of "jumper" moments in the script; one such being a certain splash back from a garbage truck reminiscent of a certainly famous messy elevator. What is more valuable in this script is that it raises the stakes in a reasonable and refreshing way. Unlike some movies that go for the short unexpected drops, Home Invasion continues to draw you into an ever increasing sense of insecurity. And when those moments arise where you think you shouldn't be seeing what you're seeing, you have only yourself to blame when you finally remember those little hints that lead you there.

That quality of solid story structure is consistently present in every Thomas script posted on this site. At the end of everything, as you catch your breath from the insane ride you've been reading you're always reminded of the little idea that started you on the path in the first place. In Home Invasion, that theme is that you're clearly never as safe as you think you are: no matter where you are.