Wash Phillips (Redmond, WA)

“Fun” is a description of this project only if you dig hard-boiled police action sliding along frictionlessly on curt cop talk and slender-to-the-bone narrative writing. Very pro, with some muddy waters to wade through till the crick clears, as it will.

“Woo-Woo” alludes to the script ref to “Coast To Coast,” that very late-night national radio show formerly fielding the iconic Art Bell (now with George Noory at the helm). In that venue, shadow people—the subject—are seldom clear-cut as the take on them woven into the story thread. And tales of their physical action go all over the place.Which is a good thing, from the POV of this project.

As often happens, I declined to read the synopsis before opening the script. Which sounds like some Cahiers de Cinema-sounding bullshit about not marring the purity of the experience (as if a screenplay has anything of the clarity of the finished film…) The result: I had to read SHADOW PEOPLE twice, then the synopsis’ neat story framing to get closure. My bad.

I guess I wasn’t ready for story-telling so sleek that I was into the story before I knew it—as it should be, of course, in most modern movies. But it slipped down like a Jello shooter and I was stumbling in another—wrong and unintended—direction too soon.

Premise: 5 stars. Like some reviewers I’ve found on the AS site (including a few who’ve reviewed my stuff), I grasped in the opening pages some concept which a)happened to be wrong and b)I couldn’t let go of. None of this is critical of SHADOW PEOPLE, but my hang-ups about a detail here and there left me lost behind the power curve for a bit…

In the end, the premise was contained, interesting (cop stuff intersecting the woo-woo at about 90 degrees now and again) and took a shot at a happy ending (curt but reaching for happiness, something I favor). All in a tight timeframe—it’s the new 24 in movie form (those Nashville cops must be robots working 24 on!).

Few of the details were original, per se, but the synthesis was fresh in the moment.

Story structure: 4 stars. Simple AND complicated. Familiar semi/pseudo-police procedural was easy enough to follow: been there/donedonedone that. Ah, but it was going someplace that should be easy to follow. But like too many relationships, it’s complicated.

My being off-track from the top (e.g, I didn’t wakeup till a couple pages in that Moon was a detective and not some slacker from a fevered dream of, say, a Burning Man survivor) left me scrambling to catch up and made the structure seem a bit more complicated than it naturally was. Should blame myself (but it’s easier to nail the writer).

As for the standard number of acts, the 2nd started about p. 24 and the rest seemed short and tight.

Character: 5 stars. I.e., I would not change anyone (if I were an exec who’d bought this project.)

Dialogue: 5 stars. Nuf said.

Emotion: 3 stars. Lacking as always the talented physical presence of actors standing up to the roles, I had a shade of an arms-length take on emotions here. I wondered around with the buffoonish George a bit, thought him comic relief…till he did penance for his sins. And I thought the disaffected wife/husband duo playing out in the direction of divorce is SO familiar, only redeemed by the trickery of hormones and promise of the ending (both of which I liked). Guess I expected to feel a bit more when Billy meets Melissa that first time—all the words are right, but maybe the spirit of the moment was still occluded (in the light of what we later find their conversation actually means.). I e. I still didn’t get their relationship that first time and what it meant to the shadow people, not till it was all talked out in Act 3.

With the overlapping motives of characters—normally familiar in the cop and mystery realm—and my having penned an episode of a TV cop show once, I should have tuned in more easily to the emotions. Again, my bad, perhaps.

Wish I had some good suggestions for improvement. But at least my feeling about the project is clear. This guy Billy Moon is all right. I’d definitely buy a ticket to see SHADOW PEOPLE.

Some nits to pick or ignore, by page.
1.“A huge crack starts where the asphalt meets the sidewalk leading to, . .”
This seemed at first an EFX heralding something active (e.g.,earthquakes, demons emerging) and NOT just a passive crack in the street. Was it aimed at an offhand description of Billy’s neighborhood or his domicile? Nothing to be said there that might set the scene?

Slug says “BILLY’S TOWNHOUSE,” but the narrative under is all about Billy, starting with “(mid-30s brushes his dark hair from his head)” Age is one thing, but this and the hands at the back of the skull—though symbolically clever (“under arrest”)—are blatant direction for the dude in the Dchair setting up the shot.

In re-reading, I think you should consider the order of Billy’s first speech—seems like it should precede her intro (and drawer dumping)
Considering the terse, effective writing throughout, I was surprised NOT to see:
“He pulls a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, shakes one loose, slips it between his lips.” What’s there seemed a shade wordy by later comparison.

“Searching his pockets, his head snaps around. The cigarette falls to the sidewalk.” Searching for what? I obviously didn’t get it.

Does Helen dump more before the transformer blows? Would make for a hectic pace (Helen—Newspaper guy—Transformer). Only 2 speeches now, so something else may need to happen—speech or dumping—to allow the audience to get the setting in mind. Or maybe just sudden is fine.

[Also wondered how a .pdf script shows up without actual page numbers (not that Adobe stuff at page top). Final Draft with title pages always has ‘em, if 1-off from the story]
2.Loved the streetlamps shattering. Reminded of BELL, BOOK & CANDLE, an old Jimmy Stewart/Kim Novak witchcraft rom-com, but that was only stoplights.

If Billy’s “vanilla, low bid Ford Taurus” was labeled as an unmarked cop car take-home, I might’ve caught on to his cop-hood sooner.

Brevity is served throughout this script, starting with the Star Bagel scene: a brief slug followed by one line that tells us what it is. Okay, but this is very a.m. and might deserve some note of a sleepy clerk or how the Taurus is first rounding the drive-through, in setting the scene. Or not.

3. Need a (MORE) & (CONTINUED) between p.2-3/

Pete Moon is intro’d via VO only here. We don’t actually meet him till p.24. Without a prior visual, the immediate connection maybe lacking. What if the Coast 2Coast VO at the bagel shop sliced in a quick 2-shot with Pete and Art Bell as part of the conversation? True, most Coast guests are by phone, but live ones show ever now and then.

Or in that same vein, what if you sliced in first a Bell cutaway then Pete, each in his normal environment, then back to Billy at the bagel shop?

“glides past a small, BLACK WOMAN sitting on a bus.” First appearance.

“EXT. MASSAGE PARLOR – NIGHT
A neon pink and purple sign reads "Heavenly Tans" and below that in Day-Glo ‘We make all your dreams come true.’"

Consider the same handling as with the bagel joint, something like this:
EXT. HEAVENLY TAN – NIGHT
Below the massage parlor’s neon pink and purple title, a sign in Day-Glo reads "We make all your dreams come true."

Followed by…
INT. HEAVENLY TAN – NIGHT

You might pick up George’s 1st Oh-h-hs below the Ext. slug. With more inside.

Tran’s wiping her chin seems (you should forgive the expression) anticlimactic since George later wants here to kiss his junk on p.4. Or did you not mean the wiping as a post-mortem of oral sex?

4. “takes a sip of coffee., turns up the radio.” Lose tdhe inner period.

5. Like Chancy’s devil-may-care toss of the lighter.
VOICES should be capped as a sound note for post.
“A little girl, JULIE, curls into a plastic chair.” Comma after Julie.

6.Why is Jason’s hand noted as ”slender?”

7. As for ID, Jason notes, “The one that fuckin' counts is in there.” And “points to the ceiling at a large hole and dangling cable.” We don’t know yet that this must be the location of the spycam that later caught George. Maybe this is something cops know to look for, but the average audience might not. I.e., a word or two like, “He got the camera” might help for the reader.

“He likes ‘em young.” I thought Chancy was in college. In this context, I’d think Billy was off the mark, but Jason straightens him out by noting that the position of the body suggests non-premeditated murder. Yet, the toying with her is moot.

9. Consider “co-ax” to say coaxial cable vs. speaking of coaxing, persuading. Ob better still, just spell it out—you’ve got room on the line.

Jason: “First twenty-four, Billy.” For what? On the wagon? Giving up smokes?

“EXT. THE LARGEST HOUSE IN THE STATE - DAY
Billy's Taurus pulls up to the gate.”
Keep the slug for location and narrative for descriptions as in…
EXT. JAMISON MANSION – DAY
Billy's Taurus pulls up to the gate of the largest house in the state.

“You have the wrong address.” Move left to the correct margin and spacing. Are HISPANIC MALE VOICE and later MALE VOICE VOs the same? Decide on 1.

10.Try losing the next slug, substituting something like…
The gate swings open. Billy drives through on a circular cobblestone drive, past 3 construction company vans and a flatbed load of sheetrock. Billy spots a 4th story doorway that opens into space.

Dobermans’. There are 2.
Omaha Steaks. Proper noun.

MARGARET JAMISON stands in a pink bathrobe and pajamas. At 75, she looks fifteen years younger, thanks to face lifts.

Need a (MORE) & (CONTINUED) between p10-11. Or just put the character name on 11

11. Lose the (beat). Let the actors figure it out.

12. Billy never flashes the badge at Yard’s place. On purpose?

Should be… What you here for, speeding ticket?

Need a (MORE) & (CONTINUED) between p12-13. Or move the character name on 13.

14. I like the wispy figure in the car.

Need a (MORE) & (CONTINUED) between p14-15. Or move the character name on to 15.

15. He's comin' in around nine.

16. Why’s Jason nod?

17. I like the figure definitely hiding behind the door…but nothing there.

From across the street, BillY rolls down the window.

Who the Hell is with Helen at the hospital? A young man in pink scrubs?

20.Need a (MORE) & (CONTINUED) between p20-21. Or move the character name on to 21.

Why not…
XANDER SMITH, late-50s, African-American, thinning white hair and a slight paunch) stands next to a sheet-covered body.

22. (MORE) & (CONTINUED), p22-23. Or move the character to 23.

23.Slug… INT. TAURUS – DAY (or – SAME or – CONTINUOUS)

24.A bookshelf CREAKS under the weight of too much stuff. (Cap if a real creak to be inserted in post.)

25.What’s Speck William DO??? His job. And where did they get the footage?
(MORE) & (CONTINUED), p22-23. Or move the character to 23.

A DISGRUNTLED WORKER frowns. First appearance.
…hurries past a RECEPTIONIST. First appearance.

26. A PATRON. The Patron,

27. Move the character name down to 23.

29. A-S-A-P.
“…as the shadowy figure moves across the doorway.” Who’s this?
30.“Uh-huh.” Missing period.

31. “about the paranormal.” Missing period.
“JERRY JEFF PETERSON waddles through a door…” Age? Dress? Whatever?

32.” CHARLES JAMISON (with the same sandy hair as Chancy)” Same ???
Move Charles’ character name/speech to 33.

34. tricked-out van.

35. EXT. HEAVENLY TAN - EIGHTH AND CHURCH – DAY

36. “followed by aN arms-pumping Pete…”
Move Pete’s character name/speech to 37.

38. If you call him Pinky, the dialog is easier to read with a less-cumbersome character name. Intro him that way on p. 2 (the Newspaper Carrier, Pinky Hibbets) or just make the changeover here. HOWEVER, his 3rd speech is currently character-titled “Hibbets,” then back to Newspaper Carrier.

42.Move Jason’s character name/speech to 43.

44. Billy follows a SERVANT inside. First appearance.

45. Move Charles’ character name/speech to 46.

46. a worn-out dartboard.
Move Billy’s character name/speech to 47.

47. Move Pete’s character name/speech to 48.

50. Cutest little thing, Billy. Missing comma.

51.INT. BILLY'S OFFICE HALLWAY – NIGHT
Move Billy’s character name/speech to 52.

53. INT. PETE'S OFFICE – NIGHT. To convey the feeling of a day’s passage.

54. “EXT. PROJECTS SIDEWALK - FLASHBACK – DAY”
I prefer stating with flashback first, to capture the reader’
FLASHBACK - EXT. PROJECTS SIDEWALK – DAY

55. A SMALL GIRL approaches… First appearance.
In the front seat, the Girl…
He fumbles his keys, bends down to pick them up. Comma/space.

56. The shadow emits a deep, throaty LAUGH. Sound cue in post.

57.Consider writing this part of Helen’s speech with this punctuation:
You know something? You beat everything.

58. Tran’s speech—missing punctuation:
Why do you hate me? ‘Cause I am a man?

60. Charles’ car alarm.
Move Tran’s character name/speech to 61.

61. Move Jason’s character name/speech to 62.

63. Helen opens the townhouse door and runs down the sidewalk.
…a four-square bandage (or dressing)

65. INT. BILLY'S OFFICE – LATER
“Standing in the doorway, the pictures transfix…” Grammar. Try…
Standing in the doorway, Horace Spraig, 40s, graying, dungarees is transfixed by the crime scene pictures a moment.
Billy motions to Horace and eases himself into a chair.

66. INT. MARGARET JAMISON’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
(the nearby Horace and Harold names lost me first time around.)

67. I'm sure that brother of yours has some bills.
Move Tran’s character name/speech to 68.

69/ INT. CHARLES' OFFICE - SAME
Move Pete’s character name/speech to 70.

70.Charles' only offspring?

73. Chancy’s ghost in 2 places at once? Then becomes Tran in one place?
That’s a unique twist!

75. Ever download any porn on youR computer?

76. Was it because youR daughter worked there as a prostitute…

77. INT. C-J-C HALLWAY – SAME
Charles doesn't acknowledge Yard from their meeting in the flashback..
…and looks at the Titans’ football stadium.

79…. then there's this other part of me…
… edge of the four-story building.

82. But…
I can’t…
(several of these speeches end in commas throughout.)

83. INT. JASON'S OFFICE – NIGHT
I just wanna say…
Move Yard’s speech to the next page.

85. No, please, God, no. Missing commas.
Move Cop 2’s speech to the next page.

86. parenthetical: (into walkie-talkie).

87 Jason! He’s calling his rescuer.
Horace, no!

88. So, um…

89.Move Heavenly Tan slug to next page.

90. Either he says Helen as a surprised question or not at all.
Lose the (she stops)

Act I had me from the start—enthused and a little confused. Was this BLADE RUNNER or I, ROBOT or THE FIFTH ELEMENT or MINORITY REPORT or that Sly Stallone thing, DEMOLITION MAN? Or for that matter, LETHAL WEAPON or one of the more athletic James Bonds? The now-familiar Cop With Regrets is there. Far from the L.A. Jack Webb archetype, he’s become a staple in cop procedurals, set in present or future.

So what? So STEEL EYES meets the Hollywood request: “Give us more of the same, only different.” That’s no put-down, but bears the promise of new genre. Sure, this is mostly seen as sci-fi, but it’s got that crossover thing going on. And lots for audiences to like. (it’s sometimes hard to read inventive sci-fi scripts, but seeing the finished film is immensely easier.)

Flying cars in BLADE RUNNER pretty much belong to police, handled with care and traffic control like your Delta 777 flight cross-country; “Filed and checked,” the driver is told as his sometime airborne ride cruises precise routes like Victor airways for today’s airliners (or anyone filed Instrument Flight Rules). But everybody’s aloft in THE FIFTH ELEMENT or on STAR WARS’ planet Coruscant—Hellzapoppin! Which is one reason I thought for a sec this might be a take-off on “serious” sci-fi. STEEL EYES seemed at first to have way too much drive-time running ragged in the sky. And those sky-bikes, yikes!

At the start, the premise--that these robots/androids were created because the human population is in decline--seemed thin. Pure numbers instead of harvesting robot advantages (strength, focus, drudgery jobs, disposable in a pinch)? Reading along, I rather expect their true appearance on the scene was due to heavy lobbying by the power brokers at GenMo (nee’ General Motors) to keep profits elevated. We’ll see.

I’m initially put off by the erotic dis-similarities between a human female and a lower-grade Fax Hooker. What John, I mused, could concentrate on his, you know, business with that 3rd-eye thing beaming in his face during The Big Nasty. Or, worse, threatening to beam-Tweet to the world his real-time goings-on portends even more embarrassment for serving public officials taking an afternoon “break.” Then Chevy (the manufactured romantic lead) became engaged in the story, with her quick wits and killer bod and take-no-prisoners ‘tude…and the fact that the aforementioned forehead eye was dialed waaay back (somehow), obviousness-wise, for the later-model robots. Made me start thinking Brave New World, where appliance-lovers might do the Rainbow Coalition (GLBT) one better. Since every other FAX capability had a direct human analog, I kept wondering who came up with the non-Vedic 3rd eye—but it’s certainly a convenient plot device and keeps things moving.

Dunno why I was so surprised early on to discover a high-level FAX female apparently follows Asimov’s 3 Laws of Robotics and won’t waste the Reaper dude when he’s victimizing her, but she’s strong enough to put him down. Even when the Reaper makes his murderous acts nearly performance art via live link to the Ben Fein show.

Which brings up nomenclature. Used to be in conventional sci-fi (there’s an irony!) any synthetic humanoid might be termed an “android,” though the more mechanical-looking ones (e.g., the Terminator with his skin removed) were generally given the monicker, “robot”. Androids might be like the replicants of BLADE RUNNER or the kid in A.I, say Crafting a futuristic story like STEEL EYES always runs the risk of challenging audiences and readers with new nomenclature (or familiar words, re-crafted for the purpose). Words starting with “Synth” for example. Some of it shows up as “backstory description” usually appearing on the page but less likely to show up on-screen; in this case, the faux girl Chevy drops a tongue-full of exposition along those lines. And I didn’t mind a bit! Sort of like Blake Snyder’s concept called the Pope In The Pool, whereby a ton of exposition can be unloaded directly, but only if the audience is lulled by watching something unusual or unrelated on-screen; in this case, that was the buff Chevy in the buff (or me picturing it). Personally I’d prefer android as a term used more often, but truth is, the robot/android intersection has become more blurred. So never mind.

But robot and human head off to do the Riggs-Murtaugh unlikely partner deal, in spite of their professed anti-you set-up. Remember Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy? The Unsuitable Alliance That Proves Itself? Hey, audiences love it, and love sitting back with their popcorn and Clark bars to see just how these two featured characters will make a go of it. Of course, male-female partnerships have that additional sexual tension thing going and in STEEL EYES—once we’ve seen the cut of Chevy’s jib—we can dig it. So-called “steel dicks” reminded me of some police in DEMOLITION MAN—ironic and gritty cartoons—though in STEEL EYES, they provide a rationale for the imposition of human fingerprints on an investigation.

I had a shade of trouble following the machinations of Ben Fein—the Larry King surrogate—as well as wondering why the hell I should want to...except for a hunch that a bunch of scenario parts, connections and set piece elements were coming at my via that route.

As for the villainous Reaper, I kept picturing Jack Nicholson as The Joker and Heath Ledger as, well, the Joker also in their various over-the-top BATMAN adventures. Just sayin’.

21st Century “authorities” tell us spec scripts don’t need archaisms like the mid-page (CONT’D); they advise us to leave the direction (script instructions like “RACK FOCUS”) to the dude/dudette with the Big D on the chair. I’m seeing writers eschewing the traditional FADE IN, too, as well as not capping characters on first appearance, for no known reason. STEEL EYES has some of that, but it’s overwhelmed by A-list writing typical of Richard Taylor. [If you’re not aware of this talent, tune in to ASPHALT JOHN or PAPERBACK WRITER, both up on AS]

STEEL EYES, in the end, yields an homage to BLADE RUNNER, plucking a note played often by cineastes who argue endlessly whether Deckerd (Harrison ford) is really a replicant like those he chases to “retire.” In STEEL EYES, that argument pays (if somewhat suddenly or unexpectedly) when Caine discovers abilities he’d not realized. I’d like to have seen an explanation for that burst of bravado (though Caine’s been an exceptional athlete throughout and only paled before Reaper).

As a fan, I hope to see something big come of STEEL EYES, no matter what the AS folks deem worth their while.

Here are a few page notes, just to say I followed through.

1.Really think that Disney joke (already in the water as it is) won’t get stopped at the SoCal border for impudence and a copyright beef? Advice: think up a ready substitute for when interest at AS or Da Real World heats up, as it surely must if anyone influential sees this project.

7. gaffe

17. Energy Management 101: unlikely Caine’s faltering skybike, falling behind in pursuit, could instead climb to fighter pilot advantage altitude that would allow Caine to overtake Reaper at the end of a dive. Negatory.

18. Helluva long speech for Mayor Stafford, obviously of the Gotham and Metropolis schools of windiness. In a single breath, I mean.

19. Loved the turn of phrase on Robinet: “each of his 40 years a note pinned to
his face.”

Also think Chevy would have more name than one car model and her robot Class designation. Suggests the GenMo Q girls would number (Cadillac, Buick, GMC, Chevy, maybe Hummer?) only about 5 before they resort to serial numbers to add faux ladies. No profit in that for GenMo. Give us more name for her—or make it a nickname like, “You can call me Q, just you.” [Note: question resolved later on. Never mind.]

Harry has a “TV.” How come it’s not a vid-something or a Wii-something or “D-mode” as in 3-D?…It’s the future!

20. That pulsar thing again, this time on a guy: Instant discrimination!

24. How come the Imaging table could be a miniature football stadium. Image didn’t work for me as the scene progressed. What am I missing?

26.comnet. Wll all the audience get the sci-fab term?
How about the “controls for crank confessions? Will they get that one without more info?

28. Guys in the audience were waiting for such a scene: Caine inspects Chevy bodily. But it’s also a good infusion of energy before continuing the movie. Nobody sleeps when nice looking people get naked.

TWO FEMALE COPS (on first appearance).

31. WHY has the booking room changed so much from before? I missed it.

32. Loved the scene with Little Caesar, the midget pimp.

34. Didn’t get how Ariel, a Q class, doesn’t show her pulsar? Makeup? Secret? Plastic surgery?

37. skycar moves are very 5th element. Good or ill?

38. Steel Dick’s apprehension very Dudley Do-Right. Or DEMOLITION MAN. Good for a chuckle.

Also Caine turns Dirty Harry with the big iron. People will cheer as they did for John Wayne in the original TRUE GRIT: "Well fill yore hands you sonuvabitch!"

39. "‘as Caine gets off another BOOMER.”

Look for the skycar chase as a ride at Universal Orlando.

43. “Sucking for breath” says plenty. Don’t gild the lily with “breathing heavily.”

46. Loved the soap dispenser scene. You give good…blush-ability.

A woman’s COITAL CRY. (sfx laid in post). Great mid-point!

49. “Reaper walks up the street as a FAX STREET HOOKER walks down.
Fax Street Hooker stops…”

REAPER
Hello, good looking.
FAX STREET HOOKER
Hi. Are you lonely tonight?

50. No half-quotes needed on Steel Dicks.
“It SMASHES the skycar windshield, shattering it and…”

53. “from the L.A.P.D”. (or L-A-P-D, as read)

54. “Margolies hasn't a clue who the 'Reaper' is”--not needed.

58.”a mini-disk the size of a quarter.” Been there, done that. This is the future, dude!.

59. D.N.A. or D-N-A

60. How come no 3-D stuff with the lousy 2-way radio? The future!

67. How the cop radio should be, too?

69. Chevy looks over her shoulder…

71. Wow! Jumps on then climbs down an elevator cable?

76. a pair of (CONT’D) side by side.

79. “ANOTHER ANGLE - THE TABLE” Lame slug in 2011…

82.” her huge patio. Below it, a hundred stories to the ground.

91. “Two superior human specimens…” Human?

94. Gand grabs the weapon from Caine’s hand.

Over and out.

This project tells a human story using animal surrogates. A remarkable venue for a complex tale.

PREMISE: 3 stars
This young (equivalent of late teen human) bear, a hybrid of Polar and Grizzly, is soon to graduate from (bear) high school in Anchorage, Alaska. The protag, Maks, is an offensive lineman on the football team, hoping for a full-ride scholarship to college. But various complications stand in his way…and escalate.

This animated story reminds immediately of several existing directions. One immediately to mind is KUNG FU PANDA, both an approach to the animal and to the context, on its way to being a viable franchise for future storylines. Other bear animated images to consider range from Winnie The Pooh to Yogi the Jellystone Park pseudo-ranger to Smokey the fire-preventing orso to the 3 Bears of fairy tale fame to TVs seasonal Coca-Cola Polar Bears or unidentified cuddlies selling toilet tissue in prime time. Real bears are often scary, but the successful franchise needs friendly, warm, inviting.

This offers a challenge when it comes to football-playing bear surrogates. Other than the initial “violence” of a football scrimmage, though, HYBRID BEAR 101 seems on the right lovable track, if slightly late-teen skewed by dint of the “character age” of its hero.

But one real concept problem is figuring out which kind of bear rendering to envision in the script. This is important to the premise because of the animation involved. Here’s why: unlike live-action spec screenplays (in which writers are advised to leave blocking and actors’ directions to the Director who eventually takes up the project), animated specs often depend on detailing in the screenplay, at least to get the animators going.

Think back to the wonderful nuance so common today from Pixar and others. Or look at CARS or UP! or any TOY STORY episode. The mugging, the play on words, the scenes that mean one thing to kids and another to the adults who haul them there. Yes, the animation studios have team meetings with lots of internal direction. But even so the writer’s first vision counts here. [My first screenplay assignment was adapting some musical genius’ story so the producers could shop it around for an animation house, and details helped get a handle on budget…in Australia.]

The remaining question of the premise: can this ultimately complex story be told by simplistic (bear) surrogates for humans. Maybe, but it needs some paring down and more visualization that optimizes the bear-world limitations.

STRUCTURE--3 stars
The layout of HYBRID BEARS 101 is a conventional three acts, starting with a climactic pre-championship football game against an opportunistic Juneau team that wins at the last seconds. Among other things, that act leaves us with a)a clear main character, b)a need for what he needs to accomplish—getting to college. The last act moves solidly--with complexity--toward a denouement that satisfies.

Computer sequences followed by Flashbacks don't work for younger and impatient family audiences in that both computer imnges are data-heavy and hard to follow, while flashbacks are complex and realizations of what was on the computer images.

Kids can follow long passages in special cases. The opening of WALL-E and compressed personal history in UP! deserve watching as models of how to shape this project.

Overall, the story-telling needs to emphasize the visual, this being an animated film. A shade less chatter, a shade more action/movement/graphic. At 93 pages, there’s room for fleshing out in the interests of story and animation. The ending is triumphant, but tricky and complex for a family audience seeing this all played out with bears.

CHARACTERS—3 stars
The figures in this story are, of course, all animals. Animated animals. Most prominent are bears of a wide range of descriptions. There are other animals, of course, this being one of those fantastic worlds where all carnivores are apparently Vegans in diet, so no character is consumed in a feeding frenzy. But the contrast between, say, the lead Maks (a hulking hybrid from a supposed coupling between Polar and Grizzly) and his best buddy Fritz (a skinny white Arctic fox quick with a quip) will be something to behold in production. Picture a Pomeranian and a Great Dane out for a walk. It is what it is.

A light comic varnish touched many characters. Some, like Maks’ folks, also conveyed a protective family sense. All in all, not so distant to many Adam Sandler movies, IMHO (no insult intended).

Pluto vs. Goofy? A natural question with anthropomorphized animals is, how do they dress? E.g., Goofy the Disney dog is fully clothed, while Pluto the OTHER Disney dog is not dressed at all. And Donald Duck is, well, half-naked at best. Again, this is a detail question for the writer, though it may not be so critical as the basic vision mentioned in PREMISE, above. Just something to consider as part of the concept.

Also important: with all the bears—many similar—on-screen at once, are we sure we can tell them apart? That problem occurred in the remake of PLANET OF THE APES. (Spoiler alert!)In an odd way, a reveal at the end presented an unexpectedly complex subplot that hardly appeared till Act III (as far as I could tell)

DIALOGUE—4 stars
The characters in HYBRID BEAR 101 speak pretty much “human.” Over all, giving off a neatly middle-class, middle-American vibe, within a high school milieu. Mostly the language is understandable by even sub-teens, so it meets the intended audience (I think). And some verbal games are played between Maks and Fritz and some others, but some of those notes may be over the heads of the prospective audience.

Some tidying up of the written dialog is in order (see page notes). And a couple of places the discussion between characters takes a turn out of the YOUNG family realm (e.g. illicit pregnancy); teen humans in bear form, yes, but some audience can be sub-teens. Large passages may exceed the staying powers of the younger audience and are probably unsuitable for a family film which usually calls for a streamlined simplicity of dialogue, similar to a lot of the Act I speeches,.

[Name note: review the script for possible excess of characters calling each other by name. These are animals acting human; once names are established on-screen, no need to repeat them much more than we do in real-life: for attention, orders, persuasion, etc.]

EMOTION—3 stars
I felt the characters started out as familiar in their projections of feelings and thoughts. I had no trouble understanding them, but my empathy level was middle-of-the road. This may be purely personal, I’m not sure. Could be the “conventional” nature of family films where the audience includes little kids, although Pixar-type films often captivate me.

But the protag win at the end was satisfying (even if I had to read it twice to get it properly).

PAGE NOTES
Compare directly with your script to see differences and chose how to treat them. Dialog and narrative had punctuation errors, typos, and some questions about slugs as if done hurriddly. >Words< = actual suggested changes

1. First slug can end in - NIGHT. Friday is not important, but also okay in animation..
Consider ending later slugs in terms like – SAME or – CONTINOUS or – NIGHT or appropriate terms for day or other conditions, just to keep your reader following.
[However, some “authorities” say any INT, or EXT slugs after a master/establishing slug can get away without a time note or even a proper secondary slug at all—just LATER or a person/place description such as INSIDE THE CATACOMBS; others from practical production experience say everything should have a DAY or NIGHT for easy conversion to a shooting script. Consistency and easy of reading/rendering are most important.]

Being animation, all info for the characters is present—and organized as well as possible—upon first appearance. E.g,:
>MAKSIM “MAKS” or “Cream Cheese (an obese Grizzly / Polar Bear hybrid), East Anchorage High’s Left Offensive Tackle, stares aimlessly at the crowd.<
[The slug already said it was the 50 yd.line.]

RIGHT SIDE of the stadium seen from which end? Same with LEFT SIDE? Try naming by the team being supported on that side,
E.g. EAST ANCHORAGE HIGH SIDE OF THE STADIUM Then, just…
>East Anchorage CROWD carries signs that read…<
Note subject-verb agreement throughout; American English: “crowd” = singular.

For easier reading, try setting crowd signs in CAPS same as the scoreboard signage.

Use EAST ANCHORAGE CROWD and WEST JUNEAU CROWD in the character had for dialogue. We already know it’s a high school game from Maks’ description. “High” is not a detail essential at this point for animation clarity
>MARLEY MOOSE and ELVIS ELK, Sports Commentators, talk at each other.<
2.>EAST ANCHORAGE OFFENSE (muscular Grizzly and Black Bears) huddles.<.
Slug already says it’s the 50.

>ROB EVEREST, East Anchorage Quarterback (muscular Polar Bear) hits Maks’ helmet.<
ROB
Get in the game, stinky Cream Cheese.
Maks joins the huddle. Rob, in the middle, motivates his teammates<

3.> INT. LUXURY BOX – NIGHT
East Anchorage Principal, MR. FORGET (Polar Bear with eyeglass and cane) extends a paw shake to Cal University Athletic Recruiter. MR. JACKSON, (Grizzly with black shades , fedora and cane).<

4.> EXT. 50 YARD LINE - CONTINUOUS
WEST JUNEAU’S DEFENSE (Black and Brown Bears) appears larger, more muscular and meaner.
East Anchorage CENTER (Black Beard) snaps the ball to Rob, who drops back to pass.<

>…Rob’s firm grasp.<

5.> Maks grabs the ball.< Saves a line in the narrative.

>Except for FRITZ ARNAULD, “Bones,” a skinny, White Arctic Fox.)<
Question: why is Fritz on the wrong side of the field?

>the EAST ANCHORAGE TEAM hovers over Rob<.

>Are you okay, son?< Note comma for direct address. Throughout script.

6. >We’ll just carry him, Coach.< Comma for direct address. Throughout.

>West Juneau TEAM and CROWD celebrate with gusto.<
Capping here assumes the first team and crowd appearance. If not, don’t cap.

7. Reminder: >EXT. EAST ANCHORAGE SIDE OF STADIUM – SAME”

[Note: to “hover” Maks means to lift and hold him airborne. They hover over Maks.]

>Maks and Fritz giggle.< [plural subject, plural verb] Throughout.

>Not funny, guys. Your future is at stake here, Maks. < commas for address.
>Don’t you want to go to college?<” missing ?

8. Maks and Fritz playfully slap paws at each other. What’s the effect on the relatively tiny fox? This sort of detail is useful in an animated script.

9. Since most American canes are intended for walking, just say “cane.”

Why does Forget giggle? Out of delight as a pseudo-fencer?

>Flying Salmons…upset the Fighting Bears of….< Plural name/plural verb.
>for me, Alaska.< comma in addressing radio audience of Alaska. Other on the page.
>twenty-eight< >twenty-one< Numbers spelled out in dialogue as pronounced.
> Good night, Alaska!< comma in addressing radio audience
> Maks and Fritz sit in the bed<

When Maks elbows Fritz to the rear glass of the pickup, this is the sort of action/reaction desired in the p. 8 refereence above. This sort of accidental don’t-know-his-own-strength gag could play throughout, developing Fritz’ clever ways of avoiding it, etc. Dialog on the next page plays some of that. But this should be a running gag.

10. We know it’s a pickup TRUCK. So the reference “pick-up” is enough. Lose “truck.” And shorten the action description by a line, maybe.

James Bond thing. May be lost on little kids; specify the gun is really Fritz’ hand, and kids play—he’s not actually “holding a gun.” I liked the ref; some parents may question it.

11. >Go home, Fritz< >I’ll check on you later, Maximum Pain-Killer Overdose<
>Just kidding, Mrs. K.< >Don’t mind Bones, Karina.< Commas for address.

>I-Pap…
Karina nods to Maks, who seems sedated< [Detail to make the I-Pap ref work.]

12. >Hey, Fritz., Can you check up on Maks later?< >No problem, Mrs. K.<

Set the Sat. Night scene more graphically, with a feeling that some time has passed since Fritz left and now has returned. Maybe Maks SNORES in a charming way and/or the TV light plays on him as some unseen-but-familiar turn of a movie plays while he sleeps. Maybe Karina clicks off the TV in passing to open the door. The TV movie itself might be some kind of gag reference for kids or adults—a takeoff, perhaps. Maybe something about the movie repeats as a running gag. Small detail, but these are especially valuable in scripting for animation.

>Hi, Fritz< Where’s my patient, Mrs. K.< [No further mention of address commas, hereafter—script must be scoured to find/fix these and subject-verb agreement areas.]

(CONT’D) no longer needed in spec scripts except at speech broken at page bottom.

>…the tissue on Maks’ face.< Apostrophe for possessive.

Fritz leaves the living room. In what manner? Does he know where he’s going? Or his he just a nosy fox instead of a trusted friend? Has he done this before. Details?.

13. How does Fritz--or we-- know this is Karina’s shaving foam? Is it among other items in the cabinet? This medicine cabinet excursion might prove a comic opportunity.

Pick-up truck slug. Establish this with – NIGHT. Lose “truck” in slug and action line. The action is >Karina drives. I-Pap rests his left leg…<

>…crotch areas..< >plus-size< Is “sexy” the right word for the kid audience?

Spell out “okay” or “O.K.” throughout.

14.>…passes GAS.< Capped for an SFX. This will appeal to kids but is a cliché’ so consider making something of it as a running gag. Maybe I-Pap makes a comic fac or different bears make a chorus of farts or something equally over the top which acknowledges this is all in large fun.

Why is the street slugged as UNPAVED? If it’s rocky and an impediment to Maks (being injured) make something of that in animation details.

“…strutting your stuff on a runway in Paris” may be over kids’ heads. Maybe identify it more commonly at first: >strutting as a clothes model in Paris, France.< or similar.

15. Simplify the next pick-up slug & action: lose “truck” throughout. Say “Karina drives.” This is non-essential detailing as compared to stuff that actually builds story.
But DO specify Maks is in the bed in whatever condition. This visually establishes his absence when they look back and he’s gone.

>…sure you didn’t drug my…< wrong verb tense.

16. Has “Grolar” been established as a definition on-screen before? Confusing otherwise to the audience and possibly the reader as well. Same with “shanked” which is known as a prison term for a knifing or such. Is this right for this show audience?

>It’s “skunked,”I-Pap.<

17. Bad news part of Jackson’s speech needs a different transition. “And the bad
news, there are several of them. Here’s one...” Try…
>And the bad news, well, it’s complicated.<

>…low G.P.A. Second,…<

18. >…have a two point five G.P.A.?<

Try: >Maks covers his hotdog, pancakes and broccoli in cheese spray.< BTW, Maks is originally described as obese and now we see why.

20. Who are Glen and Buzz. Have they appeared before? How come I forget them?

21.>…calling “Mona?”< A quote is in quotation marks.

Most of the audience doesn’t speak French, so the term needs explaining thus:
>“Ours Noir?” Black Bear? Not bad , Maks. Moving beyond…<

Whose “minions” are they?” Usually means subordinate, assistant, go-fer, etc.

>Buzz pops back up immediately.<

>…FOXES stroll past.< plural verb and more dynamic, descriptive, active one.

22. Have Forget TAP, not HIT Maks on the head. These are human-like animals and their actions may be judged/reacted to as humans. Principals don’t strike kids, we’re told.

Maybe this is OUTSIDE Forget’s office, not Maks exiting (simplifies animation).

24. Make something about Fritz’ exit from Maks’ house special or characteristic of the moment, so Fritz is counterpoint to his buddy Maks. Maybe Maks is down, Fritz is up and energetic to spur his big friend on. Or maybe Fritz is even more depressed that Maks.
Such a relationship could be used to enrich the entire project.

25. DANGER ZONE! Getting a groupie pregnant is objectionable to the parent-young kid middle class audience. No Bevis & Butthead of South Park crowd. Having Karina say, “Forget I said that” won’t make certain audience element dismiss it in passing, IMHO. In this context, it’s a lame joke, over the whole page. Find something else.
It’s possible for female characters to look exaggeratedly romantic or comely or even personally attractived one to another; talking about sex per se is reaching.

26. Maybe the Maks-Karina talk is where you should intro the “Grolar Bear” concept.

T.M.I. joke is cute, works and may even be understandable to 1st graders.

27. >No, your acceptance letter…<

30. Random Tourists: How do they walk as animals simulating humans? All on their hind legs? I’m not so sure about the discussion of honeymooning and hybrid offspring for kids—is it sexual or scientific.

And what are “organic traders?’ What is a “hunting trip” in a fantasy world with no humans but with their simulated infrastructure (high school, cruise ship, etc.)

Technically, Maks and Fritz being at the Port provides a writer’s segue into Fritz’ 2-name deal. But how why are they there? They need some better connection to the port or there’s no character motivation for being there. And they do a LOT of talking about stuff we can’t see. E.g., the Ushanka is NOT pictured (described in the narrative/action).

31. The 2-names discussion. Reveals Maks as sensitive to Fritz’ personal feelings. Hope this rich-poor thing goes somewhere. Also, would Maks say “flaunt?”

32. >”I’m going to a prestigious University and still have lots of money.”< Quotes because Maks is mocking and simulating Fritz , maybe even in a vocal imitation.

Is Maks song some take on FIDDLER ON THE ROOF?

33. “I kid. I kid.” Maks is now becoming Don Rickles???

34. Try the library scene on other readers. It may be over the heads of some audience.

35. Combine 4 lines thus:
Maks: >You think eating will make me forget about this? Besides, I’m broke.<
Fritz: >What are friends and their trust funds for?<

Bear on the kayak is not random. He’s UNFAMILIAR or STRANGE, etc.

>VITALY, VLADIMIR & BORIS (Russian Polar Bears) approach…< How do we know they’re Russian? By accent in later speech?

Toilet humor? Dunno if the kids will get Groucho.

37. >…what you’re alluding to.< Will the Customs joke play to kids?

40.Have Karina ask what code and Maks wave the invitation, in that order.
>See, Mom? You believe me now?<

41. Slug it >EXT. LAKE< and say Maks swims near the boat as Fritz rows. Lose some of the slugs following that. Leaves you more script room for fleshing out visuals

44. Mail order bride??? And are there even Polar Bears in the Ukraine???

45 & beyond. Why do Froget and Karina meet in a French Restaurant and what’s up with Forget’s denial that he got in Maks’ way of getting the scholarship>

If Rob’s family is rich, why does he need the scholariship?

What does this mean?: “No shanking or skunking. I’m serious like a silicone stuffing”

The locker note should NOT be read aloud. Either have the voiceover of it’s actual writer read the words., of have Maks and Fritz read it together, alternating there voices.

More James Bond on 61. Later, how will kids respond to Fritz saying, “I read a book about the science of physical attractiveness and guess what. Intellect and honesty rank higher.”

>Rob stops and holds Fritz UPSIDE-DOWN by his legs<

With computer close-ups, remember that some small kids my be lost in not being able to read with sufficient skill to follow what’s going on. Some very,very complex stuff. And way too much of it to allow for a simple storytelling.

For readers’ convenience, try slugging flashbacks with that part first, I,e,…
FLASHBACK – SOMEPLACE – SOMETIME

Try calling her >KARINA AT 22< in flashbacks.

P.73 Olga speech has a bit too much exposition: “I’m your older sister.”
By now, the story is very human and very complex. Bears with law suits? Parachutes? Where did the cuddly and lovable aspect disappear to?

“…to whack me in the woods…” Isn’t this a bit GODFATHER?

Maks seems awfully smart about brand marketing for a 2.5 high schooler…
And the surroundings turn very, very adult, not in a sexual way.

81. Glen from high school now flies a helicopter?
>Vitaly’s mouth is taped and he is tied to his seat.<

The participants all fall down to the ground.—from baking soda?

The ending is victorious, tricky and overly complex for a family audience seeing this all played out with bears. Simplify and triumph!

It’s exciting to see a screenplay destined for the big (or even small) screen. I’m therefore excited to have read Taylor Carmichael’s FRAME-UP. Over all, I loved it.

PREMISE—4 stars
Girl is poisoned to threaten her brother to divulge a dangerous formula. She escapes the usual mis-identification by the authorities—except for one or more FBI types who are tuned into the national security dilemma if the formula ever gets out.

The formula for her onw poison is tattoo’d on her back. Why, I wasn’t sure exactly, but it sure is funky and dramatic. But for a while I confused that formula with the brother’s formula. Doh.

There’s a bit of James Bond villainery in the bad guys, though I’m not exactly sure how an illicit arms dealer would make the transition to terrorist vendor of . Or how he/they would find out about this secret formula of the brother—what’s that history? Bumped into him at the gym?.

STRUCTURE—4 stars
3 Acts with a bit long 3rd one. See notes below for stuff to clean up. The flying scene needs more precise handling. But this is a comic action movie, and a fun one. Basically one long chase of sorts from the page one setup.

CHARACTERS-5 stars
Kari, the lead, is particularly fitting for me; we have a family friend who very much fits her description and sitation—except for the daunting, deadly events of the screenplay—including the name, Kari. Personal connection aside, the script Kari is the kind of plucky young female who appeals to all generations of readers. This one seems a shoe-in for a Kristen Bell working the innocent side of her range.

Fellow characters of importance are limned to the extent they work in their scenes. That is, just enough.

Brother Bobby showed real concern for his younger, less-worldly sis and a family bond that it’s nice to see when protagonists are often so existential they hardly acknowledge they sprung to life from nothing more substantial than writers’ daydreams.

There was a proliferation of bad guys and the love interest came into view a bit later than one might have thought, but it fit Kari’s yearnings.

I kept picturing one of the younger stars of the Modern Family TV show for Sara.

DIALOGUE-5 stars
Captivating, charming, urgent throughout. Love the progressing nuance when Sara denies sexual activities then, when her boyfriend enters, “I did a little.” Overall, flawless. Total mastery.

EMOTION 5-stars
I was in Kari’s camp throughout, feeling her innocence and righteousness up to my ears from page One. As the central figure in the story, she had me vicariously running scared sometimes, indignant others times. I felt tuned into her peril.

Page Notes/Questions/Whatever:
You may ignore, explore or deplore these in the interests of script betterment.

p.1 What happened to FADE IN?
Nice touch with the hearts on the boxer shorts.
Repeat slug should be INT. BRIAN'S BEDROOM – DAY (consistency)

p.2 Consider punching up Graf#2 along these lines (3 lines vs. 4)
Kari approaches the bed, avoids the bloody sheet on the floor. She reaches over to push a toe. Nothing. Kari grabs a cold and clammy foot, then yanks her hand back.

Dr. Format sez specs don’t need character (CONT’D)s any more on any page. (not the same as for broken dialogue at page bottom).

Bottom: if we’re back from the flashback, how about a…
BACK TO PRESENT DAY or
INT. BRIAN'S BEDROOM – DAY
(This applies later, too. Look for similar situations)

p.3 Save a couple of lines & drop the wrylies by saying…
Sara's cell phone rings. She picks up before it wakes
up ZACK, 20. and whispers.

p.5 Either MUSIC or SONG ought to be upper case.

p.6 What the hell is “PBR?” Doesn’t sound like an acronym, so spell it in dialogue…
P.B.R. or P-B-R

p.7 Wonderful effect if Simon alone “starts to blur.” Or Pixelates.

Flashback ending notice. I had to re-read to make sure I didn’t miss something.

p.10. The (CONT’D)s. Last mention that they’re not needed in specs.

p. 12. The MYSTERIOUS MAN should be upper case on first appearance.
And be called that in the character name over dialogue. Or ANONYMOUS MAN
— one or the other. Otherwise the reader could get lost momentarily. Then he’s Man
in the narrative—a proper noun.

p.14 How about “Kari notices herself in a wall mirror.” Save a line.

Funny Jimmy buffet ref…

Save a line, lose the blocking/direction :
From her purse on a chair her phone rings. She answers.

p.16. Let’s hope the Doc didn’t grab Kari’s street clothes when he locked her in.

TWO POLICEMEN

Is it important to the story that Kari’s in C-Springs? Consider that Pike’s Peak
mention back on p.2 when the windows are wide open? Note spelling.

p.22 Either CROWDS or STUDENTS ought to be upper case.

p.23. The rifle scope thing needs a slug something like this because it’s important to
draw special attention to the change in POV and not lose the reader.:
INSERT – RIFLE SCOPE POV
Kari and Simon in the crosshairs of a rifle scope.
Kari waves her arms, yells at Simon. He shakes his
head, scared, in denial. Image blurs, refocuses. Now
Kari is alone in the crosshairs.

p.24 This guy is not “assassin”- He’s either Mysterious Man or Anonymous Man—your
choice from p.12. Is this guy poised to shoot or taking a rest at the top of the page?
If aiming, lets know for sure, to push the peril. Last we saw, Kari was the target.

Is Ronald a passerby or what? Like to know he’s on the scene. Funny scene, tho’.
How about he’s dressed as a lumberjack—who screams. More funny?

Save a line: Now Kari screams, too.

p.25 Kari does NOT just “walk down the street.” She’s agitated as hell, scared, etc.
Maybe she trots. Or jogs. Or stalks, looking for a clothing store. Let’s feel her action.

Nice irony with the T-shirt legend!

p.26. Smart girl to have some mad money on hand! Plucky! Rooting interest increases.

p.27 Repeat “down the street” not needed. Try this and save a line:
Kari speed-walks down the street. A police car with
flashing lightbar goes flying past. Kari keeps walking.

In the 2nd graf, lose “a street” and save a line.

Set up the crosshairs again with the INSERT as on p.23. And a sniper rifle causes a
bit more in hitting the street. Give us the danger with description like,,,
The near-miss bullet POPS a puff of asphalt dust.

Again, this assassin is called something else.

Greek restaurant: save a line:
Kari and Sara stare at two plates of untouched food.

p.28 Cool. Now Kari’s looking for the dead guy in the bed, but doesn’t know that.

Stew: “drink” or “beverage?”

I’d say…Juan (the hospital spy) calls out to him.

Wouldn’t hurt to say Bobby, Kari’s brother, sits next to.. .

p.29 Whoa, this phone to Bobby comes out of the blue. Is it a FlightFone or what? I had
no inkling this serviing stew was lugging hardware around.

Juan strolls through the restaurant, talking on his cell.
In his other hand, a silenced .. .

p.30 Juan has not divulged to Kari that her brother’s on the phone. So a “Who is this?”
would be in order.

p.31. Wow! Talk about ramping up the stakes for Act II!!!

But Juan sez, Give us the formula.”—THAT’S WHAT’S ON KARI’S BACK and
the badguys are thought to have put it there… Huh

P.32 Juan’s now the “assassin”. Make sure the sniper’s called something else, earlier

p.33. Did Sara have a raincoat and helmet on when she first rode up on the Vespa?

p.34. Kari “runs off” and “runs back”. But it’s really Vespa driving, so try another verb
that suggests driving, like “zooms” used further down. And is funny repeated.

…at several FBI AGENTS waiting in the….

p.35 … two-ounce bottle…

QUESTION at this point in the reading: Kari’s brother, Bobby, holds a patent for a deadly chemical product he’s reluctant give the badgyys. Surely it’s NOT the formula tattoo’d on Kari’s back. A Russian chem student easily recognizes that formula as a poison and proves its effects well-understood.

A clandestine group wants the patent (?) to Bobby’s formula, killing various folks to get Bobby to sell/ otherwise reveal it to them. Is it as deadly as The formula placed on Kari’s back, the one the Russian recognized easily?t. It’s a poison, something of immediate use to clandestine orgs who want to kill secretly for $$ or political gain. Why don’t the killers—being clandestine already--just make and use it, since the public notice of a patent transfer is high-profile and they would want to avoid notice? Instead, they’re leaving bodies and blood all over Colorado Springs with their indiscrete killings…

QUESTION: If Kari can’t see the formula on her back, how would she know that’s a hint that she’s been poisoned and has but 24 hours (from when?) to find an antidote. Without that message being clear to her, she’s not “racing against time” to solve her problem. We know Juan later tells Bobby he has 10 hours; is that supposed to be for Kari’s poison to kill her, or something else?

p.36. Toody and Muldoon. Will any 20-some readers get this ref? I loved it.

Is Apartment 59 in the frat house? How’s Kari know Ron and Josh? Slug it.

. . .a loud KNOCK at the door.

p.37 Kari starts to hoist herself up? How? Where? To what purpose?

If it’s to Kari’s “own balcony,” why the next slug as “Katie’s apartment.” Did you
mean “Kari”? And was Kari joining “her sisters” in a sorority house on p. 2?

p.38. See ref on p.6, spelling in dialogue.

p.40. Kari seems sure she’s been poisoned.

p.41 Multi pizza deliveries, odd? Only if they never staked out a college dorm before.

p.42 …loud KNOCK at the door.

It’s the PIZZA GUY. Use same name over dialogue.

p.43. Pike’S Peak

F.B.I. or F-B-I Look for others.

p.46. COPS radio for assistance.

Does Kari cross the street from the filling station to get to the grocery parking lot?

How about some BAG BOY noticing Kari’s breasts first?

Why not INTERCUT GROCERY STORE AISLES and avoid all the slugs?

p.48. Love Kari’s Vespa chase in the store! At last, someone not macho does it!

p.51. Forgot to mention before: police SIRENS.

P.53.Who’s Bobby speaking to?

p.54. CHUCK, 47, holds a gun in Bobby’s ribs.

p.55.. Kari rides Sara’s scooter in the rain.

P,56. Kari opens a lab refrigerator.
How’s she know all this about the rice, is she a science major, too?

p.57. Ivan draws the blue beaker liquid into a syringe.

p.58. Need a slug like DRUG FANTASY SEQUENCE – NIGHTCLUB
Otherwise some readers may be lost, confused, pissed, at venue change.

PEOPLE in fancy dress…

MASKED MEN in tuxedos surround Kari, in a stunning red dress. SWING music plays. She starts to dance. As she does, Kari playfully swings her fists at the masked men. They go sprawling to the rhythm of the beat.

Two spotlights hit Kari. Unseen gunners shoot at her.

From off stage a NINJA falls down dead.

p.59 Before the science lab slut, need a slug like…
END DRUG FANTASY SEQUENCE.

p.60 Pike’s Peak.
Kari hurries out of the frat lot. On foot? On Sara’s Vespa?

p.65. Is Dunhill a Police Officer?

p.67. The sniper in the red baseball cap, HOWIE VON KIPPER,
22, exits his room. He and Zack nod to each other.

p.68 ADMITTING NURSE.

p.69. How do we know there’s a bug in the BMW? Need a quick scene at top of 68.

Why is Kari posing as a nurse? Did the Admitting Nurse say no admittance?

p.70 Kari is NOT “nurse” in the dialogue.

p.71. Love the kiss & cuffs to kick off Act III!

p.73 VERY OLD MAN on first appearance.

p.89. suggest you slug this INT. GIANT SCIENCE LAB – NIGHT

p, 97 Seven bad guys sit on what? There are no seats.

p.99 A growling gator? That’s a first. What about hissing?

p.101 Tighten. plane to yaw.

Martin falls to the cabin floor.

p.103. Mandy pulls back on the control yoke as she advances
the throttle.
Parachutes erupt but never eject. [And how can the chute fly out the open door
after it’s fallen to the back of the plane—unless the plane has more than one engine, In which case a single throttle does not control both engines.]

107. They gently float down…at about 100 mph. 3 people on a single chute! Broken bones ahoy!

110. Boss puts his teeth on Jay’s throat.

111. What happened to FADE TO BLACK and THE END?

Ivan looks at the camera? Direction. And broken 4th wall for the first time.

Basically the airplane set piece needs to have a)a general aircraft decided upon as suitable, with its general characteristics specified (e.g., high wing, two engines, etc.); then b)simplify the action in the plane to simple results (e.g., cage pops open & gator gets Howie), then let the stunt director put the pieces together.

FAIR PLAY shows the hand of a cinematic artist from Page 1 on. That’s appropriate, considering what the medium owes to other art forms. Before movies had Chapman cranes and Steady-cams in every other flick, comic books were showing us cinematic story-telling tricks and dramatic angles hardly seen on-screen till the coming of Orson Welles.

This writer is also a graphic novelist. Most scenes in FAIR PLAY show that heritage or inclination. Scenes meaningfully terse as comix panels. Telling the story (where possible) with a minimum of loose language. This is no MCCABE & MRS. MILLER, with Altman tossing language about, half-heard in the ragged folds of the scene. Instead, FAIR PLAY says in words just what needs to be said, having first spoken in the visual tongue.

PREMISE 5 stars
Murder involving a triangle is hardly a new subject for a movie. Right. But where does it say that the measure of a murderous plot should be originality of its genre?

The winning uniqueness of FAIR PLAY is how slickly it lures the reader/audience into its web of murderous intrigue. Imagine that: knowing murder is in the pages ahead, sure as approaching headlights projected over the rise of a hill before the oncoming car’s in sight. Yet squirming with hope the protag doesn’t fall for it, doesn’t get swept up by evil. [I won’t divulge here WHAT evil, so you’ll have to enjoy FAIR PLAY yourself.)

CHARACTERS
FAIR PLAY is fully populated with individuals necessary to tell this story well. From Beth, the protagonist…through husband Rick and his buddy of yore, Danny…to Clark the insurance investigator

Beth Phillips, the protagonist, is like so many modern women deep with emotions which lay submerged or unexpressed in a society intolerant of them. For that matter, the description probably suits civilized people in lots of places and recent eras—even her missing husband, Rick.

A field of other characters takes FAIR PLAY though some steps of a police procedural. But it’s not one, and Beth’s life-trials extend the scene far beyond the realms of cops and robbers.

STRUCTURE 4.5 stars
Act I, page 3, kicks off the story with a flashback, which leads to a backstory that builds through the end of Act II. Unusual, and contrary to the standard screenwriting advice not to do this. But we’re not talking a complete PULP FICTION anomalous scenario here.

Consider what IS structured in the conventional way in FAIR PLAY. For example, the hook is set immediately (first 2 pages) indicating that Beth is accused of murder but denies it furiously. And her recall of the events leading to that point make her a central figure we can relate to, empathize with, even. Despite the flashback, the story is told without hitch or hesitation. I flew right through it, after only sampling Page 1.

DIALOGUE 5 stars
Lots of characters in FAIR PLAY, but I felt no confusion as to who was speaking. Nor did I have the feeling often seen in other scripts. that all speak as the writer might.
When Beth speaks without enthusiasm for an idea, or asserting that someone leave her presence, the language is right.

I felt I was hearing Beth and the others, not the writer. The dialogue says what it needs to. And is phrased to communicate what the writer (and his characters) intend.

EMOTION 5 stars
I did not read much of the published synopsis for FAIR PLAY. The reason was obvious: I anticipated skullduggery—murder and deception are afoot—but I wanted to experience it as the film viewer might—as it happens. And with that, encounter in the moment the possible shifts in mood and surprising events that might be in store.

I was pulling for Beth not to succumb to Danny’s presence and do anything she’d be sorry for. Alas, as in real life, she stumbled as much out of need as intention. Even her prior offense—the thing preceding the script’s present tense—seemed common enough in a context of marital dissatisfaction.

But at the end of this screenplay, I felt devastated as I imagined Beth Phillips was. A person woven like a thread into the fabric of the society about her, Beth suffered incredible punishment, some of it mental, some physical for an errant act she was guilty of before the screenplay began. But it could have been worse, had she not fought for justice in her own (largely illegal) manner. Ultimately, her present is settled and justice is mostly at hand. But her future is a blank slate. I only hope she can find purpose and happiness…which is remarkable, since Beth is a purely fictional character. And I’m a guy!

PAGE NOTES, NITS, TYPOS AND QUESTIONS.
Use or disregard as you choose.

8. “His face reddens.” Question: how do you show that onscreen?

“Listening to CLASSIC ROCK.” Sfx.

10. Question: what about slugs? Some places we jump back to R & B’s house, but that’s not explained. Instead, we have slugs like…
EXT. RICK AND BETH’S HOUSE - DAY
Rick’s Escalade parks next to the Volvo.
EXT. BACK OF RICK AND BETH’S HOUSE - DAY
Danny stands by the completed barbecue station. Beth walks
to him, two glasses of lemonade in hand.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Rick leaves the kitchen with a bottle of beer. He loosens
his tie and walks to the back. He looks out through French
doors at –

This is eventually followed by an interior…
EXT. BACK OF RICK AND BETH’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Danny and Beth smile and laugh, like they’ve known each other
for years.

Works okay here, but later in the script the jumps from exteriors distant to interiors which say only “INT. BEDROOM – DAY and the like.” So as not to lose the rapid studio reader, consider doing.. “INT. RICK AND BETH’S HOUSE – BEDROOM – DAY” when appropriate.
-------------------------------
Rick watches -- impressed and envious.
How do we know? Will the director have trouble getting that from an actor?

11. Beth walks around the room, offering criticism, AD LIB.

14. Beth takes off her gold necklace and puts it on Rick.
It’s a later clue, yes. I wondered what kind of necklash she’s have that he could wear.

20. A Coast Guard Investigator, KEVIN REED
Make Character title KEVIN or REED, not COAST GUARD INVESTIGATOR

21. Question: what about INSERT to peek at Danny’s criminal records here?

22. If not in 21, how about that INSERT here? Or maybe in both places—the first just a peek at the headlines and here in detail as Beth looks it over?

“He lookS up idly.”

24. Pacific Life is a real company. Is that okay?

25. Here’s one of those places where we move from and INT. already identified with a prior EXT. (the sailboat) to clear back to INT. MASTER BEDROOM – NIGHT
Why not INT. RICK & BETH’S HOUSE – MASTER BEDROOM – NIGHT
So as not to lose the reader?

“The sound of a THUD and BREAKING GLASS comes from downstairs.”

26. Beth and Danny head to the parking lot. How do they look together?

33. She begins a lesson on shading, AD LIB.

36. Beth remains seated... a suspicious look comes over her. Suspicious of what? Does she object to Clark’s investigation?

37. INT. RICK AND BETH’S HOUSE - GUEST BEDROOM – DAY
That slug jump appears in several places throughout.

38. The wryly that Danny scoffs and shakes his head is not needed. His speech is self-explanatory scoffing. The head-shaking is for the Director to call for or the actor to decide on.

43. Beth and Danny walk out. She wraps her arms around him,
kisses him on the cheek. They have not boogied yet—is this supposed to signal she’s getting in with Danny, now that he’s passed the polygraph?

43-44. I liked the contrasting lunches intercut.

52. But... you did, Mrs. Phillips.

I missed something in the Account Transfer. The insurance check was 1.5 mill. The withdrawal was 25 grand larger than that. Which means Beth had EXACTLY 25 grand in the account before the insurance check (an unlikely number)?

Here’s another place where an INSERT would be good…

INT. MASTER BEDROOM – NIGHT
Lkdnonodo

INSERT – LAPTOP
One of the transactions is the ACCOUNT TRANSFER…
BACK TO SCENE
A look of fear and incomprehension on Beth’s face.

55. BTW, How did Beth pay her mortgage while Rick was “dead,” before the theft of her account? What about her own job?

56. Use an INSERT here to show Danny’s old email.

Is “Loreto” actually needed in Beth’s phone speech? Some people won’t know where it is, but the name will show on the airport marquee.

57. The DRIVER is in his forties. Ages are written as “40s” throughout.

59. Do people REALLY stick a loaded handgun in their waistbands? J

61. Danny and Beth collapse to the floor -- about two body widths
between them. Width comment is direction/blocking. Not needed.
62. Slug. Remind us which “Master Bedroom” this is. It’s been 3 pages since the house was named.

63. At this point, Beth has the .38 in her hand. Rick later has one that should be specified.

64. EXT. LUXURY BEACH HOME - NIGHT
The front door opens. This line is not needed. The rest of the narrative tells what’s going on. It’s the director’s choice if he wants the door to open or just pick up Beth’s arrest from the outside.

67. I talked to the D-A, or I talked to the D.A. Letters in speaking should be broken with periods or hyphens for reader/speaker clarity (how it should be pronounced). If an acronym like NASA, no breaks—it’s pronounced that way.

68. Question: Just wondering why she’s being extradited. This crime was committed in Mexico.

69. Beth makes a gutsy-as-hell climb on the apt. building!

70. “Fuck me” was a bit unexpected. She’s never said it before.

74. and Clark sit across from each other

75. Whatever it costs, I’ll pay.

76. Only Danny got on the boat – while he was staging the accident, Rick
was probably already in Mexico.
Oh, yeah? What about the taxi driver who delivered them both to the boat???

81. EXT. MERIDA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - NIGHT
Bob and Rita walk out carrying suitcases.
This scene is not needed. Just dissolve from Beth looking at pix on the plane tdo her outside the bar and grill holding the photo of Rick. We know they’re flying to Mexico, and the shot, at night, requires a setup featuring the lead and a major actor—time and $$ for no reason. Prodcos will appreciate it.

82. Need an INSERT to depict the cell texts.

88. Clark also does a gutsy climb for an old guy!

90. Clark falls to the floor,

Rick cocks the .33 -- It’s a .38.

91. Beth walks through the crowd of people to the a taxi parked on the street, gets in. It drives off, in the same direction as the ambulance.
As a sentimental reader/viewer, I’m a little sorry there was no way to pay off Beth’s feelings at that moment. A saying, a bit of business, whatever could show us she feels vindicated, that she can start over, or look for love again. Without that, she’s about to get SOME justice (though the $$ is still in question, the part that was already spent. Right now it’s a JUST ending (resulting from her struggle and the help from Clark). I wish it were also a MERCIFUL or hopeful ending, something with redemption. I mean her error in screwing Rick’s colleague didn’t result because she was a promiscuous person, at least that’s not indicated. Now she’s alone in the world. Since I felt Beth’s devastation throughout this episode in her life, I’d prefer some additional closure.

Still a terrific script as is, though. AS would be smart to try and set up a deal. The canned comment on the star rating system has it right: "This will be huge."

PREMISE—4 stars
A young Miami couple shares love and political ambition. Five years later, their perspectives are eroded by marital conflict and jostling in the hurly-burly of a mayoral political campaign. How do they reconcile their prior dreams with the realities surrounding them? How do they cast off privilege for service to the constituency that depends on having a real choice? Can the newcomer to political life resist selling out to become ingrained as part of the system, for his own benefit? Are scales removed from the protagonist’s eyes and what does he/she do next?

This is a familiar topic in film, with extant examples of purely fictional, real-life, as well as fictional depictions of actual political figures. (In fact, any film having, say, a sitting President is likely to reflect in some way on questions of influence and decision-making behind the scenes.) Whether the subject is Louisiana Governor Huey Long, Bill Clinton or the larger-than-life Teddy Roosevelt (as seen in counterpoint to a Berber chieftan in John Milius’ fanciful THE WIND & THE LION), the political persona has profound effects on those surrounding, and is farther-reaching.

Same is true for the big-city mayor position. In CHAMPAGNE KING, the political milieu is energized by the prevalence of former Cuban ex-pats and their descendants who make up a large chunk of the electorate. So pandering to their Cuba Libre emotions—or just providing services and perspectives they want to see present—has a real effect on such a campaign. At the same time, it’s easy to believe political slogans, and some of them may have—or have had—significance in the mayor’s ambition. And use of smear or mud-slinging techniques rears its head prominently. In the end, there’s even an issue of law, reminding us of the facts of ABSENCE OF MALICE.

Politically, the execution of this premise is cynical or realistic, depending on the reader’s POV. But for Jakc and Alex, their personal flaws may be…
a)her love for him and tolerance of his “career” (which consists, far as we know, of just the one political campaign for a corrupt politician and..
b) his former idealism and emerging lust for power (to go with his lust for women other than his wife.

STRUCTURE—2 stars
One major issue is the amount of exposition doled up from improperly scripted television depictions in Act I and elswhere. This and other craft difficulties suggest a Page One rewrite is ABSOLUTELY needed to bring this premise and theme to their full potential.

CHARACTER—3 stars
Jack, a newbie in the political game who’s there due to respect for his father, encounters both incumbent “juice” and actual corruption for the first time. Still the idealist in some respects, he’s alarmed at how political dealing in effect wrests voters’ ballot power from their hands, how the power process sells those votes for money and influence.
Alex is a bit of a cipher in this draft. Not till about p.38 do we learn “I hate these people.” She never wanted this, she claims, and Jack’s changed as a result of it. Thereafter we get the sense that she’s pissed with the arrangement from her words.
Till that point, I don’t have much info as to why Jack and Alex suffer marital ennui. And Jack’s reason for resorting expensive fleshpots instead of connubial bliss is unclear—until the midpoint, when he says, “I don't think I'm in love with her anymore..” Why? This point was never resolved—other than the hint of the clichéd “growing apart.”.

DIALOGUE—4 stars
When it’s actually dialogue (not droning exposition on TV) CHAMPAGNE KING does a good job of presenting humans interacting well or ill. Lots of speeches that could be broken up. Sometimes heavy with hyperbole and cynical hyperbole when spoke by politicians. Their fictionalized words cast doubt on those of real-life politicos—and pundits—we hear daily.

EMOTION—3 stars
I felt tuned in to their feelings when persons actually spoke. Ergo, emotional quotient was enhanced—no, dependent—on verbal

General Notes Worth Consideration. ;
Some tips offered in the spirit of encouragement. You, the writer, can ignore or apply. But the point is—even if such notes don’t kill one’s chance for success on AS, they will help in future encounters with prodcos in the film world at large.

Leave credit sequences to the director, producer. This may run counter to your experience as a producer/director of local TV or TV spots, but it will serve you later as a person who knows what a spec script (what we have on AS) is all about.

First time a character appears, even in a group, upper-case it. E.g. (made up), “Three lovely COUGARS enter the room. One of them, SYLVIA BARNES, 35, has an eye for the BARTENDER, 20s.”

Set the mood/scene as you do, but less prolix, please, in the narrative. Economy counts.
E.g.,” Two glass flutes on a set table for two are being filled with champagne. A male and female hand enter frame, pick up their own glass and toast.”
(here’s one quick example of how that might be changed for effect.)
“Champagne fills two glass flutes, then the COUPLE being served toasts each other brightly.” It’s pretty much the director’s job to specify when and if the couple reaches into frame or the glasses are handed out of frame to folks we now see or the couple is in frame to start with. That’s the modern spec screenplay we’re doing, not a shooting script.

Instead of…
Three words appear onscreen:
FIVE YEARS LATER


If you want words on the screen, do this:
SUPER: FIVE YEARS LATER.

If you want the title NOT superimposed on an image but on a black frame …

TITLE on black: FIVE YEARS LATER.

Some writers put the words featured in quotes, some underline, some do neither.

NITS by page
p.1 JACK AND ALEXANDRA KING (20s) at their first appearance.

Is that 5 years in the White House a joke? She doesn’t call him on the Presidential age limit—35, which he could not possibly attain in his 20s (JFK was youngest at 43) or tease that he could be cleaning toilets there. Point is, if she were a humorous type, she might and still be romantically deep with him.

p.2 Still working that President thing…in his 20s. BTW, what kind of Hispanic name is Alexander (I’m unfamiliar with it in the Latin context).

p. 3. For other .rtf scripts, pls # pages, upper right, using the Word Header & Footer control.

Great fleshpot setting. Loved the cocktail trays.

Lose the CUT TO: throughout. Not needed in spec scripts. Shooting scripts only.

What is MIAMI BABES, an other adult club? If the reader must ask such questions, there’s an enhanced opportunity for rejection there and then.

If there’s DOORMAN (first appearance, remember?), why do the doors open automatically. Either way, who cares? What’s important is, Jack King looks beat to shit as by work. (Though he’s not yet 35, so who knows why?)

If the narrative says King, “discreetly slips a few bills to the doorman,” the wryly that says (tipping him) is probably not needed, redundant.

Are you saying the Doorman know’s King’s name but he does not reciprocate?

Consider putting some air in the graf that begins, “Paul the doorman.” Break it up for ease of reading by rushed execs who have a tendency to “go downstairs” on the dialogue alone—unless you make it easy and interesting to read the whole page.

MANAGER (on first appearance. I won’t mention this essential again. See the General Notes above.
.
p.4 Repeat: lose the CUT TO: I won’t say any more about this except…with those unneeded cues removed, your script will be noticeably shorter. (You’re welcome.)

Wrong slug line. Jack’s already inside MIAMI BABES. So the Master Scene has been established. If you think it’s important to put a shot here, then the slug should be something like..
IN THE VIP AREA
Or possibly
INT. VIP AREA

“Jack turns and walks up a few steps to the VIP area, where he's seated and offered a small six inch video monitor by a waitress dressed in a tuxedo shirt and tight black shorts.
(Prolix. Should be something like…)
“Jack climbs the few steps to the VIP area. He’s greeted by a (adjective) waitress in tuxedo shirt, black shorts, 15-inch heels. She offers a seat and 6-inch video monitor.”
See, turning and walking are not needed and are hardly real action verbs. And a 6” video is already small, by definition.
More of the same: “It reads that her sexuality is bisexual and her favorite drink is champagne. Her name is Reisha.”
“She’s bisexual, loves champagne. She’s REISHA” (first appearance by the name, but also cap her before as YOUNG GIRL)

The wryly/parenthetical is unnecessary. “Bring me this one and a vodka martini.”

Why the exchange about the vodka martini? Could have gone tdo the “nice and dirty”
point without the additional “What?’ etc.

p.5 What “show onstage?” There’s no narrative suggesting such a thing.

Again, a wrong or unnecessary slugline. Lose it and (after setting up a stage presence a few lines earlier) just go to something like…
“A D.J. spins overbearingly loud MUSIC as TWO BEAUTIFUL BLONDES, dressed as nurses. dance in a hail of wads of money hurled their way.”
Get the idea?

[Hereafter, this review will note only typos and similar accidents. But it’s up to you to root out all the CUT TO:s, bad/unneeded slugs, missing description, wordiness, etc. I’ll be reading for story alone hereafter.]

p.6 Quirky, unexpected dialogue with Reisha. Interesting twist.

p.7,, Jack looks her over: What does he see: is she dressed? Naked? Lots of tattoos?

You can get away with a DISSOLVE, but remember it’s ultimately the Director’s cut.

One more thing. “Jack is driving home in the early evening through downtown Miami, watching the sun set on the Miami skyline. He arrives at his home: a beautiful two story house in an exclusive neighborhood.”

BTW, if he’s driving through downtown, how can he see sun setting on the Miami skyline?

Try “Jack drives through Downtown Miami, watching the sun set.” Then the next slug should be something on the order of like….

EXT. KING RESIDENCE – CONTINUOUS
A two-story domicile, modern as now. Exclusive ‘hood. All the trappings of an important owner.

On with the story.

p.8, top, has a lot of “shoeleather words.” I.e, stuff that might be blocking instructions…if you were directing Shorten all that so the reader cares.

Same with the 5-line intro to the video. And TV sets DO NOT talk by themselves, of course, but view an on-or-off-camera Aannouncer. If he’s unseen, he’s shown as…
ANNOUNCER (VO)
(on TV)

What are the words spoken by Molina “as he announces his candidacy”? That’s probably a cutaway, then return to the news voice.

p.9-10 Too much exposition all in a lump. That probably needs to start back with Jack watching TV, then cutaways on TV, then jumping into Jack’s memory, then back to Molina on TV, possibly. But this exposition can’t just be dumped here, if you want the audience/reader to care or not fall asleep.

p.11. Why is formerly romantic Alex, not more than 35, so bitter?

p.12 Is this a period picture? Or is it a joke about voting for Lyndon Johnson? If the show is set today, neither of them is old enough to have voted for Johnson, so what’s up?

p.13 Again depending on a TV voice to divulge tons of exposition is impossible.

Calle Ocho starts to set a scene well; needs some air in the prose—movie, not novel. In the process, I want to know WHY Jack is so disheveled. It should mean something.

p.14. WHAT “same female TV reporter who covered the Molina campaign the night before?´I missed it. Do you mean the unidentified one from p.10? IDENTIFY. Readers and execs read pages, not minds. Now called Judy—should be JUDY (1st appearance).

4 lines to get the camera rolling should be 2.

p.15 Anglo, capped as are Hispanic and Latino.
ELDERLY LADY (1st appearance) says a lot in Spanish. If it’s important, give us subtitles or have her speak English with Spanish phrases. She probably says too much here, since the point is to get the “Viva Cuba Libre” said and the crowd to erupt. Whatd, then are the cops straining to hold them back FROM?

P.16. We finally get the story of creeping voter corruption. Jack and Molina get into it. And have a real exchange—real conflict. And it goes on for several pages with angles and shots left up to the director. Great! Give us more of these real scenes.

p.21 Reisha and her champagne: is Jack, campaign manager in a grown-up election still too naïve to get that bar girls are supposed to order expensive drinks to run up the bill?

p.22 “Jack is listening to what Guzman is saying, but we don't hear. Jack's face lights up and he slowly smiles..” Prolix! Try something like…
“Jack listens to Guzman, MOS, and likes what he hears.” [MOS = silent]

p.22-23 What’s up with Jack in Guzman’s office, then he’s in the club, then talking on the phone, continuing the scene abridged for no apparent reason. Apparently this continuing scene is written incorrectly. Follow this pattern
*Jack in club answers phone.
*Cut to Guzman in his office (but don’t write CUT TO:
*Add a slug thus: INTERCUT JACK & GUZMAN
and you can continue the scene sort of as you have, without additional slugs or having to refer to either as VO.
: p.24 “high-powered”
“Mediterranean-style” (but you say it in 2 adjoining scenes, an EXT and an INT.”
DON’T tell us “the camera travels…” Describe what is scen. The Director calls the shots .
p.25 Why are guest leaving? Did the Kings get there late?

p.26. “Molina is sitting… Jack is sitting… Hoffman is standing, facing them both. “ These are NOT active verbs. AND you’re directing again.

p.28 “knows.” BTW, this one scene runs for 3 pages. Can you break it up?

p.34. “Alex follows the card with her eyes, making a mental note of where it is.” This is better scripted, with no mention of camera or even “We see.” No extra language or director’s notes. Though the notion of a mental note seems to run contrary to the visual basis of film, it tells us just enough to picture Alex’ stare, frown, squint—or even the director’s zoom in on Jack’s pocket, if that’s what he chooses to do on-set. Good!

p.35. Jack came out of Hoffman’s office, not “Claude’s”

p.36 format: abridging dialogue between pages requires “(More)” and “continued,’ even in spec scripts. Otherwise, the reader/exec could lose the train of the dialogue. Also the concurrent scene with Alex and Jack may use a device like an INTERCUT, allowing you to just write what’s happening both on TV and off.

p.38. “Jack gets his book from downstairs, then returns.” This is TOO LITTLE information for a script. Did time pass? What book is it? What was the real reason he needs this particular book. In light of comments above about too much direction, this needs more info—or it is meaningless to the story. Versimilitude—simulating real life—is important, but only include the trivial if it’s is clearly important.

p.39. Alex had some speeches with big exposition. Any way to presage some of that?

p.40. “Inside the envelope is a pass card, like some kind of room key.” Wordy
Try: “In the envelope, an electronic key card.” We got it.

Major change of scene: . EXT. - ORLANDO RESORT HOTEL – NIGHT
Have you nothing to say beneath the slug describe the place or the mood?

p.42. “At the same time across town,” No. This is in Coral Gables, but the prior scene is in Orlando, about 250 miles away—NOT ACROSS TOWN.

What Penthouse??? What den??? Back in Orlando? Where’s it tell us that? This is sloppy story-telling and will not be accepted by Hollywood prodcos. Nor should it be.

p.43 Reisha magically appears and wants tdo charge Jack $400 to be his “date.” Where’s this young Jack—with no discernible career except one political campaign get that kind of dough to toss around (as he has in Miami Babes, etc.)? Is he on the take, too?

The implied irony of Alex sipping champagne as Reisha orders it with Jack is muted with the fact that the slug doesn’t immediately make clear which hotel ballroom (as iT should have here and in the Alex scene just above, e.g. INT. HOTEL ARMPIT – SAME,) And by the annoyance of CUT TO: pasted throughout the script.

p.49 Wrong slug and no narrative to set up the TV report.

p.50. Lose the “sarcastic” parintheical. We get her mood without explanation.

p.53. Amusing line, “What are you, stuck in the 20th century? “ :

“A crowd of reporters await Jack's arrival,” It’s await, if we use American English.

Do we know Jack’s calling home? How?

“…yell their questions.” Add the words AD LIB.

Amusing: “Then go on and stress my belief in family values. How was the orgy?”

p.57 About mid-point comes…DARMA with Reisha threatened.

p.59. Cars WHIZ (it’s an SFX and one z is enough).

p.62. “Poor scripting in King ResidencE and TV report,.
Now, a prostitute has come forward to ALLEGE that the car was stolen not from Smith's home in Coconut Grove but outside the crack house where—SHE CLAIMS-- Smith and the prostitute were ENGAGING IN having sex and smoking crack”.
[Later parts of the report are slanderous, too]

p.66 Counting absentee ballots already. No montage or series of shots of the election night excitement??? And since when do candidates offices COUNT votes??? Oh, the election hasn’t happened yet? What purpose is the counting, then?

p.73.” Jack listens as we focus on his face,: Try :”Jack listens, his eyes dark with forboding”.

p.77 Slug should be INT- VOTING BOOTH (SLO-MO) – DAY or something similar. Molina’s speech is a VOICEOVER, since we hear him independent of what’s pictured on the screen, so this should be MOLINA (V.O.)

P.78 Nice touch: “…one cameraman gets hit and falls..”

p.70 Hispanic.

p.86 Judy’s home is a bit out of the blue as a setting. Could she not get this call at here office at the TV station?
p.87. Now Judy has a condo/apartment in Kendall?

p.92-93 Too much pure Spanish without subtitles or other way of reckoning. If the mostly English-speaking audience doesn’t get it, your point is lost.

p.101 …”Hoffman looks on.”

p.104. Jack says, “Here are the car keys.” It’s followed by narrative that says,
“Jack hands her the keys.” Uh-uh. Redundant.

P/105 Wrong slug. You’re also in the car with Alex, etc.

p.106. Where did Jack 1)get the tennis balls conveniently lying on his seat and 2)all the car-chase skills for this pursuit? Could set him up at the front in some way to ready the audience to accept this?

P105. “Adios,” is not enough Spanish to be broken. Lose the parenthetical.

p.112 CUBANO ARREPENTIDO. Which means what (English audience)?.

p.125. Nice bitter-sweet ending. Or as Sonny & Cher used to say, “the beat goes on.”

You’ve omitted the customary FADE TO BLACK with a camera cutoff. But still you need one of these…

THE END.