Richard Guimond (Tiverton, Rhode Island)

I like these kind of stories. I love the old detective classics.The hit man genre never dies. For starters, Chazz's HIT could be done on a very reasonable budget.

I also think Rodney and Leslie would be interesting roles for many actors. (Another positive: It would easily fit into the Indie Film scene as well.)

I found it a fairly fast read and for me, I enjoy flawed characters. Chazz did a great job here. For instance, I liked the mystery of Leslie with all those men. Jones, obviously was another one.

I like spots of dark humor, and if someone asked me to label this: I'd call it a mystery thriller.

When a read is going well, it's sometimes hard to catch every glitch. In any event, most of my (few) notes are minor.

I found some of the action scenes very good, but slightly overwritten. You need to cut some of them down to the bone. The gang scene although well done, needs to be a little tighter.

Page 28: Some nice lines here.

Page 39: People we are hired to kill are regular people. X Regularly X

Page 50: In the distance, X is X the sound of a gun shot. Nearby, Rodney hears X is X a sickening...

Enjoyed the banter between Simpson and his partner. Funny!

Page 94: Same edit as on page 50

Page 98: swine X flue X flu

Page 105: Again, same edit as on Page 50 & 39

I liked the ending. Leslie going for the cash. Body Heat, Black Widow, etc.

Good job Chazz, and good luck. This should sell at some point.

Richard Guimond

Good Christmas stories with solid life's messages are always in demand. And Chazz's script should find a market. If not as a Feature, possibly then as a Lifetime/Cable Film around the Holidays. Clearly this script has traces of other Xmas stories, but the various characters and their dialogue makes it POP.

It would help, if James' wife showed more depth. In the first act, she needs to reveal more of her frustrations towards her husband. This would help in understanding her actions. We need an emotional button pushed on the reader.

James' older son is a firecracker of adult knowledge and some of his dialogue is a hoot.

For me, most of the characters were lively and interesting.

Here are my notes.

PP-5- Look our for ECHO words Pops it into his mouth - Harry pops his head (Harry sticks his head)

Bus scene runs a little long, but it is funny. I also found Wallflower a hoot, but she obviously was in la land. Nice chuckle and surprise at the kennel.

PP-44- ECHO words beautiful farm----X beautiful X gravel driveway

Stanley Lowell: a large, bear of a man (X large X) A bear of a man is enough. Small point:-)))

Scenes with the two policemen and Jose and Wallace are real funny.

PP-57- When James is telling his story to the runners, maybe eliminate the dialogue, as we already know what happened. We see James lips moving, cutting to Joe & Wallace nodding, and looking on in disbelief, etc. Also, maybe eliminate Wallace mentioning the film, A Wonderful Life. (That's your call.)

PP- 57- Not sure if you need Jose dialogue repeating James mis-adventures.

PP- 60- James dialogue about what he plans to say and do to his wife is way to long.

PP- 62,63,64 - Mccartney's dialogue and revelations to his mother is a real hoot. (Maybe change the boy's name to something shorter. Mac? Jack?

PP- 80- James dialogue, again is much too long. Imagine an actor trying to recite, and remember all those lines.

PP- 91- Nice, touchy dialogue from James about his wife.

PP- 92- Again, Betty's long, block dialogue needs to be broken up, possibly by James making comments, giving her small arguments, etc.

PP- 93- Betty's comment is laugh out loud. Very nice.

PP- 95- I'm repeating myself, but dialogue with Erica needs edit. Remember more white on the page.

PP- 99- Same thing as above.

All in all a very nice Holiday story. With some tweaks it will only get better. Good luck, and a Merry Christmas.

First off, Justin is a very good writer and I'm sure that he will make his mark in the biz. However, I'm not exactly sure if this story would fit into today's market. In this incredible world of film CGI magic, the bar is continually being raised. The third act/climax is well done, but I think the first sixty pages could use a little more of what Justin gave us in the climax.

I read about half of the fourth draft and then the latest draft. What struck me on both reads where the ages of the characters. In places, I felt that they wouldn't say or do what they did in he story.

For example: shaking hands at their age, seemed a little off. Troy and the beer dialogue? (Disney would make you remove that dialogue:-))))

Chris (12) reaches for a beer.

Daniel saying: Could've been screwing with us???

Page 11: jogs over X jobs X

Page 19: They pound fists. (This seems more realistic than shaking hands.)

Page 19: He (John) steps in and sets the laundry basket on the floor. He sits down besides her.

Page 45: Thy stand atop a small hill behind the brick remains of a house that overlooks a sprawling city.

Page 45: Houses of red brick with sheet metal roofs surround them.

age 61: Allie collapses onto Daniel's floor, conscious but weak. X week X

Page 64: Beneath the stone shines a worn gold.....(something missing here)

Page 65: when she does the rumbles begin X again X

Page 67: Did Allie lose her cell phone earlier?

Page 75: Note: It could be getting a little violent here for a family friendly film. Just a though? You're call.

Note: In your synopsis: You might want to leave more of a question. Example: Will the dark forces stand a chance against Allie and Daniel and the ring?

Good job, and good luck.

Richard Guimond

This script gets off to a roaring start. Period. There's very little to find fault with this piece. It does have moments of action/adventure, but overall it is still a horror--and in my view, an elegant, thinking man's horror.

Here are a few minor notes and impressions:

A great shock by page three. Loved it. It grabbed me by the throat.

pp3- lifts the window, instead of pushes the window

pp 3 & 4--Nice transition to the 22 year old Annabel

I liked the subtext of avoiding the ribs when Annabel was eating.

I liked the dialogue that stated "to remove all sinners from the world" For me, it was an interesting statement. I wondered then if her parents were sinners/evil? Food for thought at the time. Nice.

pp15- I wasn't sure what Kedrick's statement: "Your parents died to teach you a lesson, now make us proud." At that point I was wondering what he really meant. Nice payoff, later.

pp 20- grabs a plank from the ground. Should be deck. Or Triston grabs a bunk board?

pp 25- smooth, beautiful ass is great, but maybe a simple, her body is beautiful--complete opposite of what the sailors saw.

I liked the concept of the silver taming the wild side. Jewerly usually does that for women:-)))

pp 54, I thought the love-making scene fit the characters and the tone of the piece.

Nice surprise about Danny and a bigger one about the uncle.

Again, another nice one about Mauro.

pp 90- Capital needed on second Triston.

In closing, what really worked for me was the piece engaged the brain as you followed their journey.

Great job. Good luck, Justin

Best, Richard Guimond

As I mentioned, this is a very depressing piece. It's real value is the brutal facts that this scenario in real life exists. I believe the writer needs to make an Indie film out of this, himself. I think it would be a hard sell to find a Producer that would be willing to make a film from this. It's always possible that being made as an Independent Production it could gain attention in the Film Festival Circuit.

Here are some notes:

On all your introductions to CHARACTERS, name them in CAPS: ex. RODNEY. Also, you need work on editing down your descriptions throughout the script.

Rodney's description could be much shorter. Even the taxi description is way too long. Maybe just say, beat-up taxi that's seen a lot of miles. (Nobody's interested in the amount of mileage that's on the dash.)

pp2- Cop asks woman for a date/he supposedly knows her/she says "you don't give up, do you?"
she shows him ring. He says, "Gosh, darn it, why are all the good ones taken? Take it easy baby.
This exchange seems phoney, fluff dialogue.


PP3- Rodney says "Shit" That should be in a dialogue line.

pp3 - Shorten the action line. (Instead of late evening, just say NIGHT

pp3 - Age of BLACK WOMAN & BLACK COP and a short description.

pp4- Pick a age, late 30's period

Note: all that dialogue about the wheelchair should be shortened. Also, I went by page numbers that were on my computer.

pp 6 - No need to repeat (Front of old rundown house in he Action line) simply say: Rundown House
Also no need to describe gutter and paint job, etc. Rundown house says it all.

pp6- INT. FOYER - (We don't need to continue to read about rundown house. We get it.)

pp6 - What's with all the TV's & Radios? I asked myself, is this going to be paid off?

pp6 - You need to cut down on all the descriptions of bedroom - feels like filler.

pp 7- Bedroom description needs to be shortened. (It resembles the outside of the house. Ex: CLUTTERED, RUNDOWN BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

pp 7 - Rodney's mother NAME & AGE

pp7 - They haven't seen Rodney in five years??? His reason is pretty lame. Rodney says: "a lot going on????) FOR FIVE YEARS?

pp8 - Rodney is staring at his sister's behind. She's wearing tight jeans. I thought she had on red shorts?

pp 9 - Changes back into red shorts? What gives? Is she trying to temp him?

pp 10 - Rodney puts out a cigarette and then you have him taking a puff on page 12, without lighting another one?

pp 11 & 12 You need to shorten Annie's dialogue that starts with Rodney and ends up with crazy.

PP 14 - John's dialogue: Way too long. Think of an actor trying t memorize these lines.

PP 15 - Tighten these ACTION LINES: Way too long

pp 16- X drug X use dragged

pp 18 - edit out toilet descriptions. How would you even film a turd?

pp 19 - cut down EXT. SLUG LINE That starts with early and ends from John's house.

pp 33- Bottom of page. "What's (finta) run out to cash my check. Finta?

pp 33- One minute they're complaining about bills and next, John's going out to buy fried chicken and boxes of ice cream????

pp 34 & 35 - (woman on telephone) edit her dialogue.

p 38 - John whispering "Go in there with your momma them a minute. (Is this correct?)

pp39- kicks the screen door out, fires the gun. POW! (next, we're in the alley and the sky is bright and blue. Was this eve paid off? Who got shot?)

pp 42- Pee and doo doo is slightly over the top.

pp 42 & 43- Annabelle's dialogue needs to be trimmed.

Note: At this point, I knew that this certainly wasn't Paradise.

p 55 - Annabelle's question to Annie (at age 19) appears almost as if she's asking this for the first time. Maybe it should be asked this way: Annie, have you had your monthly visitor yet?

pp 55- ANNABELLE "I cook X ed X for everybody.

pp 60 & 61- Now rats! It's almost a little too much.

pp 69 - XMAS lights? Is this the first mention of the holiday? I only ask, because every time they go outside, its pitch black.

pp 69 - DAY or NIGHT should be at the end of the slug line.

pp 70 - Top of page, ANNIE "I can't believe daddy (is) dead.

pp 70 - dead for X 2 X two weeks

pp 71- It's pitch black outside. What happened too the XMAS lights?

pp 74 - Now the XMAS lights are on?

Remember, this is only my opinion.

Good luck.

Best,

Richard Guimond

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