Gene Thorp (Cabot AR)

The script reminds me of the slapstick comety we saw in the mid twentieth century. It should be cheap to produce. There.s not a lot of action outside of simple sets.

I think the development should play to the character development if Lou's character as he transforms from a meek real estate salesman to a super hero.

Of course the daughter never does appreciate his efforts,

There are some line by line items sent by private message. These can be public at the writer's discretion.

This looks like streaming video fodder.

Sir Frederich

Looking at the RTF with Wordpad

Looks good generally but there are format problems with page numbers.

I see a very well written tight style.

This is a very emotional script. Tissue is a must.

I understand that a producer is active and a movie is in progress. Keep me informed about the
timing and location. Maybe use the forums to inform.

Calling out the specific equipment types is unusual for a spec script, but I understand that
this is a shooting script and you call out the equipment scheduled to be used.

The author works a paticular emotional thing very well. I don't know the name but it is
the power of friendship and its impact upon evil notions that invade humanity.

It is a very well written piece. The script works. Lets hope the director can develop it into
a visual experience that keeps the power of the script.

Notes for Celestial Vikings

Action not film-able?
"A big bird whirling through the scene the thing probably thought Lord Archy was a tree."

On page 4 Mark and Cordela introduced but dialog refers to young boy and young girl. Not clear if they are Mark and Cordela.

Unclear what this means.
"The boy holding the rag securely possing for another round to reclean the car.."

Starts off okay but looses something after, "limo."
"The impact of the dynamite lifts the limo a flaming car flew towards them, they run for it.

Continuous tense. We strive for present tense, active voice, and strong action verbs.
"Showing long canivouros teeth blasting his face with wind from their wings."

Page 9 dialog "palate," should be, "plate."

Page 15 past tense -- adverb -- we try to avoid those in scripts.
"he cleared his throat, nervously"

Enough notes. I'll read on and enjoy.


Nice ending.

Notes for Trany Nannies

Rules:

Use present tense, active voice, and strong action verbs.

First action paragraph:
"FRANCES is sleeping" (passive voice, continuous tense)
"Both are in their late twenties." (passive voice)

Why not simply:
FRANCES (26) sleeps on an old crappy couch in a dark, dank basement. TAYLOR (28) walks in and hits him hard on his arm.

We can't show that they are brothers. That fact must be indicated by some visual clue.

"a few people are walking in." (passive voice, continuous tense)

Passive voice and continuous tense continues through out the script. You could probably improve the read greatly by sticking to the rules.

Page 13 dialog; contraction of they are?
"even if their not her own!!"

Action paragraphs should be short and use the minimum words necessary to set the scene. Two and a half lines or less with an absolute max of four lines.

Page 20
Action paragraph a little too long.

Page 70
Peeing girl seems to have enough action to be a named character.

Page 71
"Mack and Sophia and dragging him out of the bar, Velma is walking behind them."

Okay enough notes; now I'll just read and enjoy.

Finished, good read. It still needs work, but you can make it. Keep at it!

It is a blank page

Go ahead and make into a childrens movie. The concept is as good as a talking mouse, and one guy did all right with that one.