I'm seeking honest peer feedback on a daring, dark comedy I'm currently shopping around: https://studios.amazon.com/users/212965
Dave Wood came on a sick kid. That's how he lost his job as host of the hit children’s show, 'Tall Tales'. Now, the only thing standing between him and the Sex Offender Registry is a fifty thousand-dollar settlement. Dave doesn’t have that kind of scratch but he does have an enormous penis, which catches the eye of a prominent porn producer. Dave’s plan? do a porn, pay the settlement and pick up the pieces of his shattered life. Problem is, he never anticipated that 'Enter the Eggplant' would go viral. Life is hard but it's about to get MUCH harder…
WOOD is a single-cam, dark comedy about self-love, self-loathing and the search for self-respect. In the tradition of shows like WEEDS and CALIFORNICATION, it examines the human condition, societal taboos, and our evolving notions of sex, success and happiness. It’s available upon request.
I'd say ditch the penis and keep "Tall Tales"
There is a big problem with this script. Why will Mr Woods be jerking off in the dressing room of a studio, a very public place, without him bolting the door? if it's a private dressing room, just for him, then it means he is a highly paid actor and $50k would be so easy for him to raise.
There are just too many issues with the subject of this script. If a man is caught jerking off, the first thing he does is stop and hide his "thing". There was a knock on the door of the dressing room, that was enough time for Wood to go limb and hide his thing, not to continue, swirl round and jerk off on the kid. Besides, assuming the dressing room imbroglio is retained, it would be more than clear that if Wood gets into porn and raises the $50k, there is just no way he can be back on a kid show. I mean, any body running a kid show would know that the last thing you should have on the show is a porn star.
Fact is, the only drama in the dressing room incident is dirty porn, whereby a man is caught jerking off. It's lewd and is not even gripping. If the script is to be made, you'd have to show both Wood's dick and the cum sploshing on the child's face and no one is going to do that. So the drama in the opener is DOA.
The good thing about the script, is that you write excellently, virtually no typo, and the formatting is spot on. But ultimately, it's a page one reject because of the subject matter. You can't even use it as a sample script because people will think you are bereft of solid ideas if they want to hire you as a writer on other projects. There are many ways you could have Wood harming the kid without being jerked on. You could have him volunteer to push the kid's wheel chair, despite the nun's objection, and while pushing it, he answers a call and loses control of the wheel chair which rolls down stairs and crashes and the kid gets a leg fracture and Wood is compelled to raise 50k to settle. You could still let Wood do the porn secretly to raise the 50K, but to do it with a hood over his head. But off course, there would be a trial porn shoot without the hood, which will turn out to be better than the actual one with the hood, and the directors double crossing him to release the video without the hood. You could do that without even showing the actual porn shoot.
Your script needs a lot of work.
I beg to differ, David.
This isn't my kind of humor, but given the pilots Amazon is currently airing -- please watch Budding Prospects and VIP's (if you are outside the US just use a VPN and watch them online) I'd guess this is the kind of humor they would go for right now.
Unless of course they have already filled that quota. Lots of "crass" and sexual jokes there.
Look at "Happiness" produced by Amazon's head of film Ted Hope. That movie has a pedophile telling his son he would jerk off instead of raping him (he rapes his son's friend instead) and there's a cum scene where the said son finally gets pleasure out of a magazine while the dog licks the "produce" - the movie ends in that note
And that was 1998....
Got through the first scene...
Not sure what kind of audience you're writing for. Probably a small contingent of the population might find it funny, but I can't see enough people yearning for such an inciting incident that this project would get a green light. Also, the premise falls apart. The incident involves a kid, so there is no way in any reality that there would be a cash settlement. Dave would be thrown in jail, THE END. So cutting the kid out of the premise seems like a wise move.
As for this inciting incident, the whole thing is very staged. What is this guy masturbating to? He's only going through the motions, but if we knew what fuels his sexual drive there could be a joke in that, and that joke could give us a bit more insight into who this man is. Why do we hear the cell phone voicemail? I've never owned a cell phone where you can hear the message as it's being spoken, and it's placed there as a needless setup that telegraphs the punchline. Why is the door unlocked? If the guy wants his private moment, common sense would indicate him locking it, but right now it's unlocked for the sake of convenience. Why would the nun enter without knocking? Another convenient moment.
This domino effect of coincidences, as it's staged right now, not only don't logically add up, but the payoff at the end of the scene falls flat. As a scene with one act, with no other reason to be there except for that one moment, as it stands right now it holds no real weight. It has so little weight to it, it could be cut out completely and that one moment could be used as a flashback.
You are a good writer, but I would suggest putting more thought into your first scene, and maybe if the entire script follows the same trajectory, you may have to put more thought into the comedy of the script.
Comedy ain't easy. Good luck!
Perhaps some 'yiffy" porn is needed?
Perhaps he's a cosplayer/furry suiter who goes to Midwest FurCon
in his alternate identity Mr Wolfy.
Being labelled a furry is not as horrendous or newsworthy as
'unloading "on a wheelchair bound kid being pushed by Sister Bridget
but aught to be enough to imply perversion.
and since in some of these communities
"jerking off" = "having a woody"
as a name is a bit obvious