Agent 69 and the Prophet of Death

Genre: Comedy
Age rating: 17 and older
The CIA’s newest agent, Agent 69, has her life turned upside-down when the Prophet of Death issues a fatwa accusing her of being the queen of sodomy and calling for her assassination.
Synopsis: The CIA gives a number to all their agents. One, two, three. And their newest agent, Betty Ross, is Agent 69. She doesn’t like that number. She wants a new number. Her boss, Number 2, says, “You are stuck with your number.” And she figures, well, it’s no big deal. You have to have a sense of humor about these things.

Meanwhile, in his underground lair, the Prophet of Death decides to issue a fatwa on a famous sodomite from America. So he sends out a videotape to the media accusing Agent 69 of being the queen of sodomy. In this videotape, he accuses Agent 69 of various sodomy-related activities that he has completely made up out of thin air.

The CIA offers to change Betty’s number to 70. But it’s too late for that. She’s already got the fatwa on her. Plus, what’s wrong with 69? It’s just a number, an innocent number. You can’t go around killing people for numbers. And even if it is a number that some dirty-minded people might associate with sodomy, what’s wrong with sodomy? You don’t kill people for sodomy. So Agent 69 and Number 2 have a big fight about the proper response to the Prophet of Death.

Agent 69 announces that she is going rogue. And she declares a Presbyterian holy war on the Prophet of Death. And she starts wearing leather like Mrs. Peel. Of course the Prophet of Death’s minions attack Agent 69, trying to assassinate her, but they’re incompetent. Nine assassins attack her, and she defeats them all.

Meanwhile, Agent 69’s boyfriend, Harold, is really unhappy to learn that his girlfriend is in the CIA, wearing leather in public, and apparently she’s the queen of sodomy, too. Cause she told him that she was an accountant. And she said she didn’t like sodomy. So he’s really mad that Betty is going around sodomizing all those Communists for America, while he’s not getting any sodomy. Lies, lies, lies!

Agent 69’s mother is also unhappy that her daughter is apparently the queen of sodomy, and has been targeted with a fatwa. What have you been doing? And now the press is following Betty around, asking her all these sodomy-related questions. Are you a tea-bagger? What about masturbation? And Agent 69 loses it and attacks the press. And Harold goes on Larry King and talks about their sex life.

Agent 69 decides she doesn’t want to defend sodomy, or America, any more. She just wants to be Betty Ross, normal person. So she’s drinking in a bar. Meanwhile, those damn terrorists won’t leave her alone. And she’s attacked again. And she’s too inebriated to defend herself. Luckily, all the college students in the bar gang up on the terrorist, toss beers on him, and then set him on fire. Out on the street, Betty and all her new drunk friends sing, “Love, American Style,” which is a really cool pop song from the 1970’s.

The Prophet of Death, frustrated that Agent 69 is still alive, decides to send a suicide bomber to America in a diplomatic pouch. He’s going to blow up the President, the Congress, the Supreme Court and the Washington Monument. The suicide bomber, Fred, is ambivalent about his mission. Can he have sex with some virgins before he dies? Also, he’s worried about the lack of air in the diplomatic pouch.

Number 2, finding out about the terrorist plot, asks Agent 69 to come back in and serve her country. So she has to stop the mad bomber, capture the Prophet of Death, get her privacy back and fix her love life. It’s a comedy.

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