Overall Recommendation:
3.5 stars
(2)
5 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
4 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
3 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
Character:
2.5 stars
(2)
 
Dialogue:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
Emotion:
3.0 stars
(2)
 
 
1-2 of 2 reviews
Sort: Newest | Most helpful
0 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Watched the trailer then read the script.

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
November 04, 2011
I agree that the flashbacks are too many. With that said.

The character development seemed pretty good. Your main character needs a different attitude in order to be believable as a mini thug. But all in all it was an easy read and had a good message.
 
0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Quicksand, a quick read

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
October 01, 2011
I'm conflicted. Do I like it? Not really, but now that I have to justify it--well, it's more like I have reservations.

First, it was an easy read. I wasn't bogged down with the story telling, and the story flowed steadily from the beginning.

A word about commenting on character's emotions, I felt there was a tendency to spell out their emotional state rather than having the character acting it out. (For instance: Mika is upset that Brianna takes an interest in Jaden's dancing. Him crushing his origami money does the job wonderfully; the extra bit about warrior jealousy--good for novellas, but not the screen.)

Ok, I'm getting too directive, so let me just start listing my concerns for the movie-version.

--The Disney Version
For a mugger/thief Jaden's about as Mickey Mouse as they come. Brianna could pull it off, even Sydney (once we get to know her), but Jaden... The mugging doesn't fit Jaden (now if Brianna told him, yeah, but on his own--he's not waist deep yet; there's still his check and Brianna was an afterthought).
Also it turns out really nice. Just a gripe of mine here; I doubt a studio would want a grittier ending.

--Getting into Gear
At around pg 40 I started falling out of the moment. I feel there was a little too much time in between his petty crime and his headlong plunge. Lets see there's a date, more home time, the jewelry! to pay back the $40. Okay, I consider this another petty crime, it's his same MO, I'll pay them back--a repeat basically that doesn't really do much for your plot other than to draw it out. (I wonder if the mugging could occur at that first date and then avoid the jewel theft--which also has parallels with the burglary-for-$3K).

--Flashbacks and Rehashes
1) It's not like we didn't get a first hand view of all Jaden's crimes, so revisiting them seems redundant.
2) I worry about having so many flashbacks at the end. Visually, it's tedious; the story's momentum stops to go back, and there's always the chance you loose the audience during the jump. (Another suggestion: go ahead and address those loose ends with Sydney as a prominent figure in the scene--that way you don't have Sydney miming in a vacuum, and her extortion rounds might not come off as sooo far fetched).

Like I said, I'm conflicted. I didn't have any trouble forcing myself to get to the end, but at the same time I wasn't enthralled--probably the genre. I wouldn't be surprised to see it in the chase for Nov's family & kids contest.

Oh, if you have the time, could you please take a look at my script The Miati?
http://studios.amazon.com/scripts/9106

Hope this Helps
christina
 

Reviews for