Overall Recommendation:
3.0 stars
(2)
5 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
4 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
3 Stars:
100.0%
(2)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
3.0 stars
(2)
 
Character:
2.5 stars
(2)
 
Dialogue:
3.0 stars
(2)
 
Emotion:
3.0 stars
(2)
 
 
1-2 of 2 reviews
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0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

so... close...

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
February 01, 2012
First, the good news. I thought the premise was fantastic, easily the most well-realized "high concept" script I've seen on AS. It all makes perfect sense as I read it, and the pieces fit together nicely. The best praise I can give it is that I was amazed nobody had thought to do this before, with the character of Caliban. (Apologies if someone has, by the way, in which case I just haven't seen it.) It's a nice fresh twist on the actor-becoming-the-role, or vise versa, just different enough from the others (such as Shadow of the Vampire) that it doesn't seem at all derivitive.
Story structure was good. I think the sequence of events/flashbacks mostly made sense, though it might be a little hard to follow on the screen. (Not sure about that. Hard to project from page to screen.) Anyway, the "bones" of the story, so to speak, are strong. The issues I had, re: structure, mostly involved pacing (as at least one other reviewer pointed out). Since this is very clearly meant to be a relatively fast-paced, suspenseful film, which I think it CAN be, more has to *happen* during the first half or two-thirds of the story. Overall, though, you did a good job of connecting all the loose ends, and in retrospect, most of what's in there works. Personally, I could do without the diner scene being so long, and would think about alluding to it more than depicting it, as it would give the character of Bearing more room to grow organically in the mind of the reader/viewer.
Speaking of the diner scene, my biggest character beef is with Bearing. By introducing him by way of his violence, it's going to be a natural response to pigeonhole him as the "violent bad guy" from jump. Maybe show him arguing with the manager, and then cut to him running from the diner with blood on his clothes? It would give Bearing's story more of a narrative arc, whereas now he goes from being a cold-blooded monster to... a cold-blooded monster. If you humanize him first, it would just flesh him out more. You could illustrate his descent from being a guy who overreacts violently to being fired to someone gradually more and more disconnected from the consequences of his actions, through the bar tramp scene, to the stalking-and-killing and eventual total break from reality, trying to transform himself into Caliban and take Lewis' place.
More about character... And I hope you don't take this the wrong way. (I'm guilty of this, too.) I think too many of the characters lack individuality. I like Lewis. He seems like a real person, although some changes to dialogue could go a ways towards further differentiating him. Candice, I thought, was weak (for being such a central character). She makes a little more sense when we get the full picture at the end, but this feels tacked-on. She comes off the page as being this foil that is used one way in once scene, and another way in another, based on what the story needs. Of course, every character is always (hopefully) what the scene needs. It just shouldn't be so obvious. She's 100% accepting of Lewis' disfigurement, so she's got "hottie with a heart of gold" locked down. She was the initial agressor, so she's got "confident modern gal" in the bag. She's a tough-as-nails asskicker. Etc. Etc. The one character I'd like to see more/different of is the cop, Turnin. (And this is just me, but I'd have him NOT shoot the nurse, personally, only to have Bearing to do so as an afterthought--just didn't seem consistent. He could be plagued by the fact that his inaction ended up not helping the nurse but also being responsible for Bearing's future killings. He TELLS Candice he's on the tail-end of "mattering" but he doesn't have the guts to ball Bearing's bluff, and ends up blowing it for everyone when he had a chance.) I'd actually like to see Turnin nail Bearing, personally, saving Candice or Lewis from bloodying their hands, and leading to his own reconcilliation with his failure at the hospital. As far as the other characters, with the exception of Luther (who I'd like to see more of), they're all total caricatures, in my opinion. There's the gay actor, the friend since way-back who's become a drunk but is still loyal to his bro and proud of his success, the hot young actress that gets offed, the spunky artsy chick, etc.
I won't go into particulars, re: dialogue. If you want, I can punch up a few pages, if you're interested, and you can see whether or not you agree. I thought a lot of the dialogue was fine to good, but the pivitol scenes seemed to collapse beneath their weight. Lewis' appearance on the show, for instance, screams phoniness. Which would be fine if he were the kind of guy to give canned responses on a talk show, but it goes against his character's self-realization that we've seen. Also, stuff like Turnin opening up about his life to this crazy chick at the hospital just seems weird, like Chris Farley knowing the limo's route in Wayne's World. Or Lewis saying things like "whatever's best for the play." A lot of this will come out as people read it. I'd also be glad to give you more specifics, but that's enough for now.
Finally, re: emotion. This is hard to justify, so I left the 2-stars for emotion out of my average (though I guess it wouldn't matter). I just didn't feel anything for any of the characters. I think Candice didn't seem real enough, I address Bearing above, and Lewis' lack of real struggle makes him hard to relate to. Turnin was honestly the character I WANTED to feel the most for, but he was a little cardboard in the present draft. They've all got the seeds of being "real," but none of them quite get there. The good news, though, is by addressing the issues with character and dialogue, I think the dearth of emotion will naturally be addressed, as well.
I wish I could give you 3.5 stars, for either "I like what it could be," or "I really WANT to like it more." It's close. One solid revision away from being solid.
 
2 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Interesting violent premise but not enough humor to call it a comedy.

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
October 01, 2011
I really liked the action/suspense part of the first scene-celebrity abduction, killings etc.which made me forgive the stereotypical theater-folks in the beginning of the scene.
I also enjoyed Lewis and Jack's relationship so i forgave Candice's unnaturally psychotic violent nature.
You made Bearing a very scary bad guy, i particularly enjoyed the listing of all his tattoos-an interesting way of telling his backstory. I am not sure about the A,B,C format. I would definitely prefer you writing them out as well as the montage sequences.
i would also stay away from naming every single minor character in your script because it makes it harder to follow since we could get lost in the sea of character names. i would have no problem reading Hostess, Nurse etc
And as with the song recommendations: be careful how much of other people's job you do in the script.
Bearing drinking a buttery nipple made me chuckle.
Be careful with Candice's excessive psychotic behavior-i understand what you are going for with it but her nature makes me not like her and Lewis as well since he seems to like her.....and we have to root for somebody, right?
Overall good story, just the two separate stories come together a bit late in the script- in my opinion.
 

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