Overall Recommendation:
4.0 stars
(2)
5 Stars:
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4 Stars:
100.0%
(2)
 
3 Stars:
0%
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2 Stars:
0%
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1 Stars:
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(0)
 
Premise:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
Character:
4.5 stars
(2)
 
Dialogue:
4.5 stars
(2)
 
Emotion:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
 
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1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

11th draft amendments/developments. Be sure to read the latest draft.

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
November 28, 2011
A perfect script to edit. It has a good framework with enough opportunity for plenty of interweaving of subplots. I have switched the protagonist’s sexuality from male to female and kept the sexual structure by making my protagonist bi-curious; this affected all subsequent scenes in the editing process. A bold decision from the get-go. (less Mickey Rourke and now a US version of Prime Suspect - Helen Mirren)

NINER (surname of male) has been renamed NINA (first name of female DCS)

The male protagonist DETECTIVE RAWLEY NINER is now
a female DCS (Detective Chief Superintendent) NINA CORTEZ. All appearances of ‘his’ and ‘he’ have now been changed to ‘she’ and ‘her’.

Introduced a Cover page (which counts as an unseen page number of 0)
Page numbers, Calibri 11; vestigial element I see in many Final Draft conversions to .rtf changed to Courier 12 through out.

Removed #108 occurrences of (CONT’D) from all dialogue.

- (CONTINUOUS) has been removed.

-- (all double-dashes) have been replaced with a full stop.

… (all ellipses) #56 replaced with a full-stop.

END FLASHBACK etc now ends with BACK TO SCENE

Some BACK TO SCENE transitions and INSERTS have been removed as the writing is self explanatory or obviously an ‘insert’.

KITCHEN – SAME (all #8 occurrences of –SAME have been removed)

Scene dialogue has been adjusted from that of a male chauvinistic cop to a bi-sexual/lesbian bias female flirty cop.

Many lines in each scene (which do not progress the story) have been trimmed..

Added THE END before FADE OUT.

Full-stop, space, space. Reduced this to a single space after a full-stop.

Removed cutting room directions. MATCH CUT TO:

SAMMS can be dropped from SCENE HEADERS around the farm as it applies to all.

p.11 Abby now wakes to the sound of Becca’s screams; at the end of the murderous aftermath.
p.12. Drugged up, laughing, Trent and Scottie now let Abby go thinking they’ve already killed her.
p.31 When Trent pulls a gun on Nina, being female adds an element of sexual risk.
p.32. Nina now expresses stress by smoking two cigarettes at the same time.
p.36 Nina’s dispensing of Trent is now more graphic/dramatic. Externalising the hatred within.
p.37 All dialogue split with (CONT’D) has now been merged into one block of dialogue.
p.46/47 I picture the Dees character being played by Samuel Jackson and adjusted his accent accordingly.
p.53 NEWS REPORT is V.O and O.S.
p.54 Have Carly speak her minor dialogue off-screen and stick to the TV reporter talking.
p.54 ‘taps’ pencil against notepad not ‘tapes’
p.62 case refers to 2005… I’ve just used the term “in the night in question” to unlock the script from any given year. Twenty-three becomes twenty-third day.
p.65 voices in Abby’s head… deleted. I felt it affected the tone.
p.66/67 Nina visits Bobby… taking time out from her own court case. TV FEED.
p.70 deleted a few micro managing directions for the actors.
p.80 Nina flirts with female prosecution counsellor Starkey.

There is no need to keep the draft 11 ending anymore as the Russian roulette car scene on p.36 has covered the same ground. The new ending is succinct and ends where the story began… on the SAMMS FARM.

The script is now 101 pages in length.

This 12th draft is ready for upload.

These amendments hopefully make a 4 star script 5 stars.

With few cast and a great principal, this is filmable.

Some SYNOPSIS issues regarding character motivations and locations raised by reviewer Noelia Gigli have been addressed in the 13th Draft. Thank you for your input. This is now tighter than an Otter's pocket.
 
1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

NINER - The bad cop / good cop

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 

E S

October 30, 2011
NINER was a great Detective Thriller with excellent character development. The plot was filled with interesting twist - especially that of our lead character - that made for a very solid story.


Good -

The plot delivered a great deal of new developments, keeping it fresh and exciting. All the characters displayed immense personality and likability; even the ones that only made a short appearance.
I particularly enjoy the battle of emotions that it puts you through; when the protagonist is also at times the antagonist. The story started happy and innocent - then as a thriller should - it instantly turned dark and mysterious, spiking the interest and thrill factor.
This story is, in every way, is the fix for your Police Investigative Drama!


Bad -

Although I enjoyed the story, it was a lot like reading a James Patterson novel. In comparison, that's not bad, right?! But it lacked the "Hollywood" in it. I saw sparks of "Training Day" and "Law and Order" but even so it wasn't totally griping for me.
Although it started as a thriller should, it plateaued. Then it stayed there (for me) until the long and drawn out court hearing, which lost my attention completely. The information during that court trial was just interesting enough to keep me afloat thereafter.
Also, there were so many characters involved that I would keep losing track of their names, and having to stop reading to revert back to prior pages to keep my personnel straight. I want to attribute this to the way the writer chooses to introduce the cast in the CHARACTER line; using only their first name. Then, throughout the screenplay, he sometimes chooses to use only a last name, making it hard to associate the characters to names.


In Closing -

NINER exposes your weakness in human judgment, and then makes you pay for it. It is filled with great twists. Overall, it is a great story.
 

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