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Story Structure is critical for success

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
2 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
1 stars
 
Dialogue:
1 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
December 20, 2011
I only read the first 30 pages, as much as the Amazon Studios readers will read for the initial pass

Here is what I learned after 30 pages.

Hipster and schoolgirl are killing underworld gangsters. Aaron, who is ambiguous as to who he is at this point, has leverage over Hipster and hipster does his bidding, but we have no idea why schoolgirl is involved.

There appears to be 'flash backs' to Hipsters and Schoolgirls childhood sort of dashing in and out of the script without much context to the story that is unfolding.

I failed to find any setup in the script, something to tell me as to why the lead characters are doing what they are doing.

Plot point one appears to be to enter Kings club to kill a Yakuza gang.


My recommendations:
Restructure the story to clearly define the setup and plot points.
Fleshout the Main Characters more
Remove the flash backs.

The Premise appears to have potential and I really think that a rewrite that focuses on the story structure can really bring this script to something of interest.

I look forward to reading the rewrites.

Mark Vetanen
 

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