Overall Recommendation:
3.4 stars
(5)
5 Stars:
40.0%
(2)
 
4 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
3 Stars:
40.0%
(2)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
20.0%
(1)
 
Premise:
3.4 stars
(5)
 
Story structure:
3.4 stars
(5)
 
Character:
3.6 stars
(5)
 
Dialogue:
3.6 stars
(5)
 
Emotion:
3.4 stars
(5)
 
 
1-5 of 5 reviews
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2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Cool, cool.

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
December 12, 2011
It's an interesting take on the vampire theme. I gave four stars on the dialogue, because there are some really good dialogue moments, I actually think the dialogue was you're strongest part. I like you screenplay overall.

Format note: there's a weird gap between p4 and 5, and there’s some general format issues, like when you introduce a character and age. Do it like this: Paul (40s) instead of Paul, 40. Also, in dialogue, put a coma after someone’s name, ie.- “I’ll be right back, hun.” or “Where’d you come from, James.”

Overall, good stuff!
 
2 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Vamps ahoy!

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
December 11, 2011
Firstly, congrats on getting this far with your script! You should be proud of yourself for actually writing a feature script and sticking with it. In saying that however, there is still a lot of work that needs to be done. I won't go too in depth with my review as most of my suggestions have already been mentioned by other reviewers.

Also please forgive me for any criticisms that may come across as 'too harsh', I just find the best way to improve any project is to get an honest, non-sugar coated opinion :)


Premise: The premise isn't too bad, vampires systematically taking over major cities to begin a world takeover. But as previously mentioned, you need to have something unique (doesn't have to be a huge game changing twist/gimmick!) to make the script resonate after reading it.
Eg. 30 Days of Night - "Vampires attack in Alaska (or where-ever it was) where the night lasts for a full month" :O


Story Structure: Ok, the biggest issue I had with the script was in the writing itself. The whole thing needs to be tightened. Too many times it seemed like you were stating what happened rather than describe the scene or the action effectively.
E.g. Pg 82
"Abel tightens his grip and uses the distraction to get him off balance and manages to get him off centre and tip him backwards."
This is how kids describe their days at school. You have some decent action sequences that I can see visually but the way they're described really deflate the impact on the reader.


Character: The characters were believable but it did take me a little bit to actually figure out who the main characters were. I'm not saying there were too many characters (especially not for something based in Bris-vegas) but it seemed that the main characters weren't really fleshed out or highlighted til we were close to the climax.
Also not a big issue, just a horror fanboy niggle of mine. I love when we get a real sense of background/life experience from an elder vampire. You made me smile when Rolland mentioned Alexander the Great's armies overcoming 'modern toys' but that was it. At that point I wanted to know more about Rolland's character beyond the usual 'I will rule the world' motivation. Not an issue just a personal thought :)


Dialogue: Same as story structure, some of it didn't sound natural - can be easily fixed with a bit of tightening etc. But for the most part, it works.
I really enjoyed Walter's dialogue, a solid mix of exposition and the character's natural dialogue/personality without sacrificing one for the other. Props!
Abel's dialogue confused me at times. There were hints that he was a 'badass-motha' before he was a man of god but only hints. Again, this is a bit more of a character thing but you can always add very subtle mannerisms/character details to give the audience an idea of who that person is.


Emotion: A fair amount here without resorting to cheap heart-string pulls. I believed the sadness turned anger from Kyeema during her fight with Stitch.
Thrill wise, once the script is tightened, I think it'll really pull the audiences in and unease them.


I hope this has helped, as I said good for you getting a feature script up (and up to 4th revision!). The only other real piece of advice I can give is the KISS principle- Keep It Simple Stupid.
A bit cliche I know but there is a reason it's cliche, because it works!

Yes, there is a lot of work to be done but the more effort you put into this, the better the end result will be.
Think of it as panning for gold, you've got to wash away a lot of mud before you strike gold!

Best of luck and keep writing! :D
Damian.
 
2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Sorry but I didnt like it, and I'm a fan of this genre

Overall Recommendation:
1 stars
 
Premise:
1 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
December 06, 2011
I found the story to be too formulaic and predictable, very cliched. Also- it is set is Brisbane, but seems nothing like Brisbane- the writing has a very American B-grade movie flavour to it, almost as if this writer wanted it to actually be set in America... and Australia doesnt have a national guard! America again- there is nothing Australian at all about this script. An irrelevant point- I have never seen a graveyard in Australia where it gets locked up, but I don't claim to have visited more than 10 in Australia. And the cars sound American... or is that just me?
The script style is not standard- there are descriptions where there should be directions, unclear dialogue and the use of "WE" which is intended to mean the camera panning or dollying etc
As for character development... not much. The female gender roles are really weak and stereotypical- "Jami" actually fainted, and was then carried by her male counterpart... Seriously. And I'm sorry, but I think it's not just me that is REALLY over the whole vampire thing, its been done to death, so unless its a new and original idea its not going to work.
I did like the attempts to build tension, particularly through juxtaposition, but it needed more development and the climaxes were a let down.
The writer does seem young, just my impression, so I apologise if my statements are taken as unkind and this person is just beginning, ie this is their first attempt at writing because I understand everyone needs to start somewhere, but its definitely not ready for any kind of publishing.
I think this writer has worked really hard on this, and probably had fun with it, which is great, but he needs to undertake learning stylistic features and developing and planning plot lines that are more original if he wants to be published etc. Sorry for my harsh comments but I value honesty, and I have read so many books and watched so many movies that I cant really tolerate amateurish or generic tales. Just my opinion- someone else might really love this!
If you love Transformers 2, Twilight and Captain America you will probably disagree with me!
 
2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Nice snapshot of a city under seige

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
December 03, 2011
A well constructed, gripping story. Character development is just right.

I just had a couple of questions/comments:

Page 2
Ben and Trevor hover beside the van then Ben and Pete speak to Steve. Where did Pete come from? Is he actually Trevor?

Page 12
Why does Greg call Erik a freak? I don’t get why Erik's comments would prompt that response. Given the previous night’s happenings at the cemetery Erik's advice seems sensible to me.

Page 28
What is the woman distracted by when she’s chasing Jami’s car?

Page 32
Rolland missing word cannot “…we CANNOT afford to underestimate…”

Impressive work!

Eily
 
1 out of 5 people found the following review helpful:

Awesome work!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
November 28, 2011
Great work Stephen. Would love to be a part of the filmmaking team when you end up making this!
www.rushnfilms.com
 

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