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5 out of 6 people found the following review helpful:

okay... kind of Terminator-like?

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
November 15, 2011
Not really my cup of tea so take my notes with a grain of salt. i read the first pages which i suspect are representative of the entire script... and what i have to say can be applied throughout it. however, i can't really comment on the story so... just the writing.

FIRST -- these pages are riddled with grammar errors: no spaces after commas, some names aren't capped. these are easy fixes and you need to meticulously go through and edit or get someone to do it for you. i always get someone to do it for me b/c i suck at editing my own writing.

OPENING SCENE -- as you have it written the VO dialogue is over the credits. you should intercut it with the series of shots. And actually, this way you eliminate the "series of shots" formatting and just write it as action scenes as she makes her way into the city. and then since we're already in the scene there is no need for "back to scene".

SHOW DON'T TELL -- don't tell us what's in her mind in the action scenes. that's novel writing and you need to cinema write. examples: p.4 "But Mica is no stranger to death...." and p.5 "It's as she suspected." we can't SEE that on the screen. if this kind of information is necessary to the character then she needs to express it in her actions and behavior.

i like how the Droid fooled her b/c it fools your audience too. you might want to actually show the Droid transformation though.

EXPOSITION -- the VO is too much expositional speech and we don't need it to understand how clever that Droid was. but when the Droid starts talking to her, i just didn't buy it. why would a smart droid waste so much time with exposition?

RAPID-FIRE ACTION -- starts on p.6 but it's written in words that slow down the pace. chop it up. it doesn't have to be in complete sentences. just show the action.
suggested example:

INT. 17TH FLOOR HALLWAY

Mica charges toward the fire exit

Rapid-fire bullets shred the walls.

She crashes through the door.

Flies down the stairs -- simultaneously shooting the hinges on the door below -- then slams through.

INT. 16TH FLOOR HALLWAY

Mica rolls and keeps moving.

Those fucking Droids are right her ass. She fires relentlessly, but they dodge bullets with ease -- and keep coming.

SHOW US SOMETHING DIFFERENT -- we know it's a diff time and place in the world so show us stuff we haven't seen before. and don't explain it. just show us. the eye patch scene was cool.

but then --
CONFUSION -- who is the group of STRAGGLERS? they don't seem to have any significance. i don't get this scene. ie "Mica sticks the hand in, locks it." what? sticks it where? locks what?

and later at the gas station -- you didn't introduce the thugs. i wasn't sure that LITTLE ROTTEN MOUTH was a person... then he takes her water jug and heads around the back. in the same paragraph you say "the thugs whistle as she passes" but she's not the one going anywhere.

okay, this is where i stopped. i hope this helps you with your next draft.

write on!!!
 

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