Overall Recommendation:
4.0 stars
(3)
5 Stars:
33.33%
(1)
 
4 Stars:
33.33%
(1)
 
3 Stars:
33.33%
(1)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
4.3 stars
(3)
 
Story structure:
3.7 stars
(3)
 
Character:
4.7 stars
(3)
 
Dialogue:
4.3 stars
(3)
 
Emotion:
4.3 stars
(3)
 
 
1-3 of 3 reviews
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0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Needs an MDQ

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
1 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
December 29, 2011
This is a well written script. But Amazon goes out of their way to point out that they are looking for COMMERCIAL material. As it stands, this is a low-budget indie drama with little mainstream appeal. The biggest problem I see is that there is no main dramatic question (MDQ). None of the characters seems to have a goal (something they are trying to accomplish or keep from happening). It is not even clear who the protagonist is. The only person who seems to have a goal is Mr. Chester, and his goal is to keep financially afloat. But, aside from putting a new TV in his bar, he doesn't do anything toward his goal. All of the other characters seem to be drifting aimlessly. While this may be true to life, it has no place in a Hollywood movie. I think you are going for an ensemble drama here, so each of your main characters (Maggie, Dee, Allison) needs to have a well-defined MDQ. What do they want? What are the obstacles? How will the audience know when they've achieved their goal (or failed)? What are we hoping will happen (or dreading)? Alternatively, you need to select ONE of your characters and give her an MDQ, and then the other characters can act as helpers or foils (or both).

On another note, at the beginning I was under the impression that Allison was a sex-abuse victim -- her bedroom scene with Thomas, her sexualized behavior toward Mr. Chester when he tied her swimsuit, mailing pictures of herself to strange men, all led me to believe something that wasn't true. If her self-portrait business is truly innocent, then I think you should drop the other scenes. You might also want to explain how she finds the men she's sending pictures to -- it would be interesting to see that business start, escalate, and then lead to the threat at the end.

Good luck!
 
2 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

It made a grown man cry

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
December 18, 2011
This story moved me the first time I read it and the latest draft is a touch more touching, if I can say that. Ms. Speegle has captured the raw intensity of some very delicate subject matter in a way that pulls at your heart strings while making you cringe at the same time. Many stories have tried to do something similar..."Happiness" comes to mind", but not nearly as successfully. While that film/story are not so similar, films like that come to mind when I read this. It has that kind of a wallop to it, but with a much softer bang. The imagery is so clean that I almost felt I was living in this story, an uncomfortable but entangled voyeur.
Congratulations!
 
0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Very strong storyline. Very depressing though.

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
December 14, 2011
I'm new to reviewing, this is my first. You'll have to judge what it's worth. I'll give my impressions of the story. Interesting read. Very strong storyline. Very depressing though.

All emotional investment, and there is a lot, goes with Allison. That Dee and Allison become closer and seem to care for each other is a ray of encouragement and hope in the story. But, Dee can't tolerate her mother's rude behavior and skips out leaving Allison to fend for herself. You get the feeling that Dee's next step in life will be in her mother's footsteps.

I don't have a good feel for where Maggie is coming from. Her involvement with music seems the only remnant of love in her life. Certainly, caring about Allison comes and goes. Since Maggie's character appears unable or unwilling to engage in a meaningful relationship, the ending seems to spell further misery for Allison. She is trapped with a derelict mother, who occasionally reaches out only to drift again into her own alcoholic, hollow life. I only feel sorry for Allison.
 

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