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Premise:
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Story structure:
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Character:
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Dialogue:
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Mica is great, timeline is confusing

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
December 06, 2011
I really enjoyed reading this script. I read version 6. I think that the Mica's story and FLASHBACK is good. I liked the beginning of the story arc - the back story for the problem and Mica's story, and the scene with the little girl robot was really great. I think Mica's character is very interesting and I think audiences will enjoy watching her.

I thought the scene at the old gas station was a cliche and seems out of place. It's probably the weakest part of the script. Not enough time has passed in the story from the rise of the robots and I have trouble believing that social norms and intelligence have deteriorated that far in such a short period of time, but that's just me. You could take it out and not miss it.

p.58 When Mica reveals her robotic side and ties to the problem to the crew. I might have expected more suspicion on the part of the crew at the beginning of the conversation. Or an attempted lynching. But the Flashback was great.

p.71 I have a problem with your sense of time, and it's in your scene with the holy man that it seems most obvious. Mica is heading from LA to DC roughly a year or two after being shot. Even if you make it 5 years and keeping her under 30, this scene makes it sound as if the world went into a 5th world war and was taken over by a robot army afterwards in what can only be described as a really short time. Not enough time for anyone to be "once part of the resistance" or for people to go prophet and not seem odd. When you pay attention to the timeline, the scene starts to be funny and not in a good way. Make it 80 years and it holds together much better.

The rest of the story seems fine, but I also felt it was a mash of a lot of other robot/android/apocalypse movies I've seen. Once we see the flash card, we know she's going to a building, fighting a bunch of robots, activating the card, and the world is saved, and we don't really deviate from that arc except to eat with the holy man. Even the way we get to the building is straightforward. It will be exciting, but I guess I'm looking for the surprise too.

Overall, I think the script is well written, the dialog is great, the action seems exciting, and except for the points I made above, I think it would be great on the screen.
 

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