Overall Recommendation:
4.0 stars
(2)
5 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
4 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
3 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
5.0 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Character:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Dialogue:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
Emotion:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
 
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0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

An all around great movie

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
June 16, 2014
Dear Matthew Wilson,
I am a student in Mr. Patterson’s Film as Literature class. Our final exam consisted of each student going on Amazon Studios and finding a project in which we we’re interested in. When I came across your movie and read the description, I was intrigued as I had never heard of a baseball movie that tells the story from the point of view of an umpire.
As I began to read the screenplay, I instantly fell in love with the story. The storyline had great pace. The events from the first punch to the end of the film flowed smoothly and coherently. Nothing was too long that it created a sense of anxiousness to move on. In addition, the script has room to be a hysterical movie. In the scene where Rob and the other umpire throw out each other can be one of the funniest scenes of the movie with the right acting. All of the training exercises that Don has Rob do are hysterical to read, let alone to be seen on the screen. Additionally, throughout the script are small bits of humor that can really make this movie. Above all, the thing that I absolutely love was the character of Rob and his progression as a better person throughout the script as he became more involved with Amy. This relationship is, I feel, one of the most important assets. Rob is a loveable and relatable character even with his attitude and behavior. Everyone in some point in their life has been upset with sports officials. His battle with officiating is something that everyone can relate to and what we always wanted to do (punching them in the face). Anyway, Rob’s character changes for the better throughout the movie. He truly loves Amy, not like people like Tina. He changes not only because she is the only person to be harshly honest with him, but because he wants to be like her. He says “I’m not a good person, that’s why I admire someone like you. I wish I could be like you” (83). And when Amy tells him “You don’t know a thing about fairness. To you ‘unfair’ means you didn’t get what you wanted. You don’t care about anyone besides yourself” (90), it hits home. The next day in the Dodgers clubhouse, he isn’t the same. This relationship and the changes it causes for both of them makes this movie special.
However, there is one thing that I feel would make this movie perfect. I loved the ending where he fought to be out when he was called safe unfairly as a favor from Bobby. It indicates the revelation of Rob is basically complete (besides the last line, “Can we have sex now?”). After that though, when Rob and Amy talk and she tells him that he won her. That is where I was like, “really?” I feel like them getting together is important as a conclusion to their strange relationship. But, I’d like to see them getting together not revealed, but left off in such a way that it is interpreted that they will get together. End it with a bang; comedic gold. Additionally, I feel he should spend a little more time in umpire school. There are so many funny opportunities when it comes to the umpire school.
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed the screenplay. The concept is unique, its funny, and you fall in love and feel connected to all the characters, even Rob in the beginning stages. I hope that you stay committed to this project and do everything in your power to make it in the theatres. I really hope some executive comes along and picks up this screenplay. It deserves to be produced. Never give up. You have a hit in waiting right here.
Best Wishes and Good Luck,
Jace Kobrin
 
0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Your Call

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
December 24, 2012
Greetings. I have read this updated script after watching the test movie (which I thought was well done, by the way).

Remember that these are only my opinions and observations, not a "right" or "wrong".

A number of my thoughts stated in the test movie review apply here as well.

1) The wrap of the second and final acts.
2) Humor types and "target market".
3) Amy's character

One thing I did notice in the second script is certain additions that I thought were a good complement to the story. The gardener was a nice item. Some of the additional humor, including the "bunny suit" thing.

At certain times, however; the segments seem almost forced and do not flow with the story. It seems that the items have been "patched" or added without a seamless flow to it. As one who has had to rewrite many author's works, I can appreciate trying to add material to existing material while maintaining the style and flow to the story.

The above also seems to apply to the humor itself as well. There seems to be a great deal of dependence upon quippish dialogue, that at times, feels overdone to me. The quippish dialogue is funny, but doesn't seem to "happen naturally", thus it appears to stick out and causes a disconnect, for me at least. And even more, it disrupts the pacing of the story.

I would recommend taking a look at this and writing according to the flow of the story, giving more attention to situational bits rather than the quippish humor. Given your talent, I think this could be done easily enough.

After reading this, I finally figured out what was concerning me with Amy's character:

Amy has a well-earned reputation for being steadfast in her "sex after marriage" mentality. Now we all understand that even our most steadfast beliefs can be tempted at times. To me, however, it seems that someone like Amy who has been so steadfast (enough to be "known" for it) had to have earned that title.

Thus, a title of that significance could not have come without her having "stood her ground" against many an adversary. So, for a guy like Rob, (who I'm sure she's seen his type before) to just come along and sweep her off her feet to the point of being ready to marry him, just doesn't seem to click to me. Especially when you factor in Rob throwing Timmy out of the game AND giving the kid a bogus bat as an "apology".

A couple ways to fix this would be to:

1) Give Amy greater "transition" coverage to show the softening, not with his words, but with his actions.

2) This could happen by giving Rob a "tender" side that shows earlier (than Timmy) and that indicates Amy sees something in him besides his "suave" outer exterior toward women.

3) I would highly suggest moving the "first date" to much earlier in the story and then aligning the two parallel plots accordingly. (As stated in the previous review: Make it so that the key points of each plot coincide with each other.)

4) Make the admission by Rob about the bogus bat the "breaking" factor in their relationship. Basically, she is just starting to trust him and see the good in him, when he admits this (with no remorse, of course), and she realizes her trust in him has been misplaced. Later, perhaps, Rob could give the real bat to Timmy, or something.

By pacing the "relationship" elements out more, Amy will seem much more reasonable in her decision-making, I think.

Coming back to "target market", I have to tell you, I see this more as a kids/family story. I would recommend exploring that option. Personally, I would remove the "content" and focus more on the kids type humor. Of course, (as stated in the title of this review), it's Your Call.

Bottom line is that I love this premise and think you have very good potential with it. If I had free time, I would like the chance to rewrite it to see what you think, but ....

I appreciate the work you've put into this project and hope that you continue to succeed in your career.

I wish you the best.

James
 

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