Overall Recommendation:
3.0 stars
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3 Stars:
100.0%
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2 Stars:
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1 Stars:
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Premise:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
3.0 stars
(2)
 
Character:
3.0 stars
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Dialogue:
3.0 stars
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Emotion:
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1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Terminator mixed with RoboCop...not bad!

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 

L M

January 03, 2012
Some great potential here, let down a little by over-exposition, and a little too much flashback. It is let down a little too by the fact that it's set too far in the future. It feels more like it should be 2029 instead of 3029, with technology such as Flash Drives, Mustangs and AK-47s being mentioned.

The 'bad guys' (Androids) just seem to be too much of a plot device, turning up when the author wants to make a point or invoke an action scene.

Main Character - Mica is awesome, and a great vehicle on which to pin a story. I think you should tighten up her backstory a little.

I think this needs at least one more draft to tighten up the story, and do better with the 'willing suspension of disbelief'.

Despite that, it's a pretty good post-Apocalyptic romp which evokes Terminator and RoboCop in a positive manner.



Rough Notes:

1. Your image shows Chicago (great image, BTW), the opening is in Los Angeles, and Mica is going to Washington DC. Feels a little jarring. Too many cities.

2. 'A war that would plunge humanity towards total extinction' -- if that were true, Mica wouldn't be around to tell us about it.

3. 'Cybernetic chemistry fused with the human dna is accelerating quicker than I thought' -- sorry, I hate this line. Mica is a badass, and she shouldn't be spouting technobabble like this. Leave it more mysterious 'Shit, they're getting closer every day' or some such

4. Be careful with the term 'droid' -- it's a Star Wars concept, so that even Google had to license it for their phones.

5. I can't imagine the folks in Building 3 haven't heard all the noise, yet they're still sitting around playing cards. Odd, that.

6. Cyber Starr sounds like a porn actress, and not a high tech lab! :)

7. This all seems more like a story that would take place 50 or 100 years from now, not 1,000

8. The Technobabble needs a bit of work. No scientist would say "It was created with samples of my own genetic-chemistry"...that just doesn't make sense. "I used some of my own stem cells as the basis of it's own. It's brain is from me. It's memory is from me. It's as much a part of me as you are, my daughter" or something like that might work better.

9. Page 11. THis is 1,000 years in the future. The convertible mustang would be an unrecognizable pile of rust by now.

10. Strange capitalization sometimes (BEAUTIFUL) on page 23. And it's 'DAMN' and not 'DAM'

11. Rape scene in p24 feels unneccessary, why not just put a gun to her head?

12. Why didn't they kill Mica? (p26) would have been a bit cleaner, and if they were going to kill Michael anyway?

13. P31 -- Mica tells the group she's from LA. How did she get there? In flash back she was in DC! It feels artificial, that you just placed here there so that we could have a cross-country trip type story.

14. P35 answers my question from (12) -- but she's shot in the head and she survives?

15. P36 -- It takes 25 years for him to fix Mica?

16. P37 Montage -- I always saw Mica as young (20s-30s), but here she's 'Middle Aged' and 'Old'... ??

17. The middle section of the movie jumps too much from present day to flashback to present day etc. By the time of the 'flashcard' reveal, I was getting a little tired of it (sorry!), and sometimes even the flashbacks have flashbacks.

18. P65..."It wasn't long before the droids found our hideout" -- umm, it was 25 years, right?

19. I find the concept of 'use a computer virus to kill a computer' a little too cliche'd now...once I saw that was the plan, the plot lost me...

20. P69, they jump from Nevada to Washington in no time flat. And AFAIK, there are no mountains on the outskirts of Washington (DC)

21. P71 - Droid saying humans are a wretched plague etc. feels unneccessary. Why would the droid have to tell the man that?

22. Holy Man is very cliched

23. Climax -- P105 -- just feels wrong. Looking for a flash drive, 1,000 years in the future? I think they'll be obsolete in the next 5-10 years much less 1,000



19.
 
1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Great premise

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
December 26, 2011
first things first heres my running commentary! notes i made whilst reading (please excuse typos!): :

Interesting premise.

Roll head credits- unnecessary unless you are intending to direct, otherwise director will decide this.

First slugline, 'dark sky' -Remove this.

page 1. 'the war had' -should be 'the war has taken it’s toll'.

I would perhaps re-word the third para to simply “A shot gun strapped to her back, and supply packs arraigned on both sides of the bike. This is not a woman to be taken lightly.” Succinct, effective.

By end of page 1, I am almost certain you are intending to direct this yourself: 'End shots' 'On bike' etc. which is fine, however if you’re not, I would edit this stuff out before submitting to prod cos/producers/ directors, they will have there own ideas… Not a major issue, just a little pointer.

Page 2. The prose is a little meaty, wherever possible try to stick to the 4 line rule. I feel here this could easily be cut down considerably.

Elevator MUSIC plays -always capitalise sounds we hear. Again with ‘sounds of someone CRYING’

A battle like no other had taken place here- wrong tense, should be has.

Also how old is the girl?

Page 4. love these droids! was not expecting the little girl at all! I’m intrigued.

‘who said I was human?’ another twist, great!

Quick note, you need to capitalise the first letter of words after slugline. Quite a few instances were this hasn’t been done.

Page 6. these ‘stragglers’ are humans I presume?! Although kinda love the idea of a group of droids playing cards!

Applying the ten page rule, I would definitely be inclined ot read on.

page 11. ‘ever since the war began…” there should be no explanatory text, all story telling should be reserved for dialogue or what is evident in sene descriptions.

I have an issue with the V.O, although I recognise the need for it, maybe there’s another way around it, such as maybe she’s recording/ documenting e.g doing a video diary, or speaking into a voice recorder etc. just an idea...

Page 27. is the KID male/female? Also why no name, or is that purposeful?

Page 30. find out HIS name is Kid.

page 36. BEEP BEEP (again, capitalise sound)

page 37. 'grasping' typo- gasping.

page 41. I don’t believe the others (Kid, chris, gatlin) would want to accompany her to D.C after earlier calling it a suicide mission, without knowing her exact plan...

page 66. “I love you as if you were my own daughter” dialogue feels a little unnatural here. Remember the rule ‘show don’t tell’ find a way to show via their interactions their relationship and feelings. Although personally I feel you could delete this exchange, as its already clear to me, ie. Him knowing her her whole life, the flashbakcs of them together, and of course the fact he saved her. pretty obvious to me, without verbalising it.

Kid is supposed to be 14 right? His dialogue is interchangeable and indistinguishable from any of the adults. He should be given a name, although still be referred to as kid by the others.

page 71. Yay! we get to see more of the droids, not just when their fighting Mica et gang. I want more!

page 77. I don’t like this idea of the holy man and his harem at all. A little ridiculous, I would delete! My only major qualms with the plotline so far. (for the record, minor issues, the fact that mica’s grand plan is simply to infect the master computer with a virus, I was expecting something a little more dramatic!)

I feel like after all the fuss that was made, they got into DC fairly easily, only a little scuffle before meeting Vicky… maybe one of the secondarly characters could have died- up the stakes a little?

page 89. The exchange between Robert and spike, another example of people saying how they feel- a screenwriting faux pas, mainly because very rarely in real life do we ever say how we really feel. Rather our feelings and emotions are betrayed through our actions. (Keep this in mind with the kid when talking about his sister, also)

page 97. I don’t buy that eldrick a formerly quite selfish character would be so selfless as to sacrifice himself, even for his sister, especially as theres others who he could have relied on to do it ,ie chris, maybe if it were just him and Vicky then he would, but I don’t believe given his previous attitude that he would give his life to save the others…

Overall : :

I crave a bit of back story regarding the droids themselves. We see this from the view point of the humans, maybe more of a developed sub-plot possibly involving Droid X and the mysterious third objective. Maybe droid X could be the antagonist? Just a thought, might be interesting. I’d like to see glimpses of the droids, their objectives, their POV…

Great premise, but more work on characterization needed.

I’d like to know more about Mica’s personality, her unique traits, what makes her tick. Besides the obvious driving force (her fathers death) all I know about her is (from the first pages) she’s not fond of the human war.

I feel like all of the characters need work, we dont know hardly anything about their back stories, they're not stand out enough, and they're far too interchangable.

Dialogue is good for the most part, fairly natural sounding.

Writing is okay,but needs tweaking/ fine tuning. This and the characterization are the only things holding your screenplay back. An otherwise good plot/ storyline.

Reminds me alot of resident evil but with droids not zombies! I think this would translate well on screen, and ultimately make a great movie- which is of course the goal!

Congratulations, and I wish you all the best with this project. I will definitely be interested to read any subsequent drafts- especially if my humble advice is adhered to ;)

((any questions or specifics, feel free to ask))
 

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