Overall Recommendation:
3.0 stars
(1)
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3 Stars:
100.0%
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2 Stars:
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Premise:
4.0 stars
(1)
 
Story structure:
3.0 stars
(1)
 
Character:
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Dialogue:
3.0 stars
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Emotion:
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2 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Very good premise. Could use more character development. Needs lots of editing.

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
December 20, 2011
Your story reminded me of a mash up of three different popular past movies. First, it reminds one of Quintin Tarantino’s, “From Dusk till Dawn” mixed with “30 Days of Night” and dashed with a little “Constantine”. It has the honest appeal of a vampire horror movie that leaves itself open to a possible future sequel.

Premise: I do feel that your script does grasp a nice hook and appeal. Your characters are semi-realistic.

Structure: Other than being thrown off on a few lines as a reader. I was able to jump back onto what you were trying to get across. It does have a nice three act structure. There were enough turns and reversals to keep one’s interest. I did somewhat clearly understand what was going on through the majority of the script.

Characters: Although I struggled to locate the lead character throughout the story, I do feel that there could have been further development of a few of the characters. Such as the foreshadowing of the sheriff and him having to kill his wife because she became, “one of them” could have been expanded on a touch.

Stakes: Other than the fight to stay alive, I do feel there could have been more to this subject developed throughout the story.

Dialogue: There are a few areas throughout the script where I was a touch lost on who was saying what. I feel that can be fixed through more character development.

Genre conventions: Once again with a touch more character development I feel this would suffice to fill the horror/ vampire conventions.

Visual style: More adjectives need to be added to bring the characters to life for me.

Acting: Not applicable. (The script form is only available at the present time.)

Cinematic value: The script could easily lend itself to becoming a play.

Special Qualities: It does hold special qualities. I did like the ending. But, at the same time, I feel that the script seemed a bit rushed along to me to get to the end. Within the matter of a few sentences it is brought up that there is now a, “vampire threat”. The foreshadowing could be developed a touch. That can obviously be worked out in possible additional writings. Overall, the script shows much potential.


Special Notes:
I do like how the good guys do win in the end, but the threat is still very present. The characters although never really expanded upon did help the story along, but did lack major amounts of depth which could have been exploited better in order to foreshadow better the outcome of the ending. The sheriff’s wife having to be killed by her husband because she had become a vampire could have been expanded upon a touch. You may have had that planned that way, so as to not derive from the main plot of the story here. Within your story I am noticing quite a bit of slang being used which could throw off your reader a bit. I have come up with some edits that I would like to offer. I am open for the possibility of collaborating if you are interested.

“and takes of running through the cemetery.” Pg. 6

“Jami's run slows to a staggered walk as she takes in what she is sees.” Pg. 6

“She appears carefree and youthful.” I would recommend adding, “In the picture” at the beginning of the sentence so as to alleviate reader confusion. Pg. 7

“The. Body. Snatcher. Now fuck the fuck off.” Pg. 10 I don’t mind the cursing, if it were to make sense.

“Royal Brisbane. It's the nearest with the facilities to handle this many stiffs.” Pg. 23 This sentence lacks a subject. This leads to reader confusion.

“outside, Erik leans heavily against a wall, racks his brain.” Pg. 24 I might recommend changing the sentence up a bit. “Racks his brain”, is another way to say thought hard. This might remove reader confusion a touch and sound a little better. This is just a suggestion.

“there's no sign of haemorrhaging.” Pg. 25 - Typo should read, “hemorrhaging”.

”Faces grin lit up by the spotlights outside.” Pg. 28 Reader confusion.

“Jami speeds through several blocks before she pulls over. Horns blow as cars swerve to miss her.
Jami is an emotional wreck. Suddenly a soft tap on the window. A face stares down at her.” Pg. 29
This part loses me. Has the car stopped? You may want to relay this to your reader.

Also, “Suddenly a soft tap on the window” is a fragmented sentence.

“Usain Bolt”. Pg. 31 Not every reader will know who this person is. I might recommend a different describing adjective.

“We slowly drift through a room softly lit by candles.” Pg. 32 . Who does this? The camera?
“And quick, we only have once chance before we lose the element of surprise.” Pg. 36


“Amok” Pg. 36 Did you mean to type, “Amuck”?

“a twenty kilometre radius of here.” Pg. 38 I might recommend using the word, “mile” instead of kilometer here.

“Kyeema sits quietly as Dan drives off.” Pg. 42 I might include that Kyeema is sitting in the passenger seat next to him so as to relieve reader confusion.

“Damn. Had a service only last week.” Pg. 44 This is a fragmented sentence. I might recommend adding a subject to the sentence. Possible include, “on my car”. I say this so as to alleviate reader confusion.

“He has a brainwave and turns to Leon.” Pg. 46 I would recommend changing the wording on this. It sounds funny.

“I'm taking your woman with me. I'll be keeping her nice and warm, you just lay there and think about that, okay?” Pg. 49. I am confused as a reader. Does Stitch take away with him Kayeema?

“DEALER - You do realize crucifixes don't hurt us?” Pg. 52. Is Cutter and Dealer the same person?
I would recommend keeping the same name here. This causes reader confusion.

“something clicks in her brain.” Pg. 55 I would recommend re-wording. It sounds silly.

“She boogies down the stairs” Pg. 55. I would recommend re-wording. It sounds as if she is dancing down the stairs.

“fangs fractions from her throat.” Pg. 56 Maybe re-word to state, “His fangs inches from her throat.”

“The dashboard is lit up like an aeroplane cockpit.” Pg. 60 Typo would use the word, “airplane”.

“He returns with a can of fuel and a .45 jammed in his belt.” Pg 63. I would recommend stating that it is a .45 pistol so as to alleviate reader confusion.

“Dan catches a wake up.” Pg. 64. This sentence is both a fragmented sentence and it does not make sense.

“Sudden a huge reddish brown mongrel, with bright yellow eyes leaps out at them.” Pg. 65. Typo, “Sudden” recommend to change to “Suddenly”.

“The road straightens with factories on all around.” Pg. 66 I would re-work sentence to make better sense of the surroundings. Alleviate reader confusion.

“Huge, dark and forbidding, the biggest of which has lights on inside, with trucks and bikes parked around it.” Pg. 66. The sentence is missing a subject. I am guessing you mean a building. I might recommend to possibly re-word so as to alleviate reader confusion.

“The dogs are disquieted. Someone may have gotten past them” Pg. 67 I would suggest a different word than, “disquieted”. It makes the entire sentence very awkward to read.

“Dan and Abel enter a loading dock type area the air is thick with the rotting stench of dog shit.” Pg. 69 I would recommend placing a period after the word, “area” and before, “the”. As it is sitting now it is a run-on sentence.

“he can feel the anger of old washing over him again.” Pg. 71 This sentence does not make any sense to the reader.

“Jami takes her Market off and squeezes through.” Pg. 73 Not sure what is meant by a, “Market” here.

“And as it rolls across this retched land there will be nowhere to run.” Pg. 75 Typo, “retched” should be “wretched”.

“Everyone one you know will be like me by dawn.” Pg. 83 Typo, I recommend take out the word, “one”.

Keep up this great work! Let me know if there is a possibility of collaborating on this in the future.

Thanks,

Mikel Nation
 

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