Overall Recommendation:
2.5 stars
(2)
5 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
4 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
3 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
2 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
2.0 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
2.0 stars
(2)
 
Character:
2.0 stars
(2)
 
Dialogue:
3.0 stars
(2)
 
Emotion:
1.5 stars
(2)
 
 
1-2 of 2 reviews
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0 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Decent Start - Come Back with Improvements

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
2 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
1 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
January 31, 2012
Let's start out with the strengths of your draft before moving on to the "Needs Improvement" category. Incidentally this brings us to the very end of your script, and I think you've really nailed the core premise down of your story with Tucker's last comment: “If people don’t have to risk their own blood, then war becomes all too common.”

Boom - perfect ending in my opinion. This is what your story needs to be centered on, the horrors of drone warfare, of war becoming a profitable business, where drone armies wreak havoc across a nation or the world, affecting real human lives. This is where the story's emotional punch is lacking - there is no scene that intimately describes the horrific effects of drone warfare and advanced weapons of mass destruction produced by the government or some weapons contractor.

Now it's really not hard to include something like this in your first draft - perhaps you can expand the first act in San Francisco and show how this drone battle has killed off Bell, Ava, and Hector's parents or friends. You need to find a way to make this emotional punch tied into your main characters. We have no idea why any of them are fighting in the first place. Why is Tucker and Skip still fighting the old way? Why are the young ones fighting - just for fun?

You need to up the ante, make us care for the characters' actions. The characters' journey of initiation, trials, going into the jaws of hell, coming out alive (not everyone), and returning home with the ultimate boon (this may be the anti-virus in your case, and the wisdom gained from Tucker's last comment, Hector and Ava fall in love, etc).

Some major things you need to remove from your future drafts are this: NO TRANSFORMERS. It's been done. You won't top it, not any time soon. If this is a real project you need to be unique, not a Michael Bay clone.

Second major thing to improve: the ENEMY. Who is it? Why are they attacking? What is going on here? None of this was answered or even alluded to so definitely expand upon this.

Final thoughts: You have a decent outline with a great core message, but you really need to flesh out the implications of that message, make us really understand why war should be fought with human blood on the line. Come back with a revised draft, with full character arcs that are connected to the enemy and the broader story at hand; I'll be glad to help. Good luck.
 
1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Needs a legitimate antagonist!

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
2 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
January 26, 2012
There doesn't seem to be an actual antagonist. It seems like droids just randomly start attacking each other because a droid was somehow injected with a poison/computer virus. The characters are good and the bits of dialogue help set up the feel of their interactions, but a rag-tag team of Generals and teenagers is a bit too skewed. It's way too unrealistic to have two old dudes taking some teenagers on a run-and-gun mission.

With a more-defined antagonist and more believable character interaction, it could be a lot better.
 

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