Overall Recommendation:
4.2 stars
(5)
5 Stars:
20.0%
(1)
 
4 Stars:
80.0%
(4)
 
3 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
4.4 stars
(5)
 
Story structure:
3.8 stars
(5)
 
Character:
4.0 stars
(5)
 
Dialogue:
4.0 stars
(5)
 
Emotion:
4.6 stars
(5)
 
 
1-5 of 5 reviews
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0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Loved Ones

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
March 02, 2014
 
0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Technical stuff...

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
September 14, 2013
Your character descriptions reveal inner qualities that a viewer couldn't know.
I know it's difficult. I have the same desire to describe but you have use action to reveal character.
Congratulations on the success of the script so far.
Also, your RTF has big blank pages throughout. Nightmare for the reader.
 
1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Engrossing, enjoyable

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
June 04, 2013
You really made me care for these characters. If you put pages 78 - 94 early in the second act and write your way out from there, you're bulletproof. Maggie could get in a car wreck (and injured, in the hospital) speeding and looking for Allison. Then, at that point, the entire family would be FRACTURED. Where would the characters go from there? That's a question I'd LOVE to see answered. The great thing about your first act is that we really, really want them to be together. The way the second act is written now, there's tension but nothing that really shakes the worlds of the characters. You saved that for act three. Dunno. Just my two cents.
 
1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

A strong female oriented drama that deserves a read.

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
November 18, 2012
This was a nice script, well written and although I don't usually enjoy reading this type of script it held me till the end. This film features strong female characters and a bigger name actress might want to become attached because of this. The setting was gritty and realistic, the characters well fleshed out and overall it had an art house feel. The plot was raw and engaging and elicited the feelings a good drama should provide, the ending was very open ended which I like. It is a good script although it may not have a wide audience appeal with the right cast and direction it could be a very strong film. Nicely Done!
 
1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Life has its Tan Lines and Vicki Exposes Them in This Film

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
Right Up Front: Amazon Studios must have some great script readers to have picked this one out, my compliments to your staff -- Great Job recognizing the potential here!



Vicki, I hope your life has been a sweet and loving one; your ability to write this script gives me reason to think it may not have been too warm and fuzzy. Then again, you could just be a fantastic writer with great depth. This is supposed to be my way of congratulating you on a marvelous script.

I have very little to say other than thank you for allowing me to read it.

I found a couple things to bring to your attention…

SUGGESTIONS below are preceded by “++“ to set them off from your writing.

PAGE 1:

INT. AKRON, OHIO - BIG MODERN HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - 1975 -
DAY

The room is completely empty - bare walls, polished wood
floor. Light floods the space through the windows.

We hear the sound of a boy and girl arguing.

SUGGEST…

++ INT. BIG MODERN HOUSE - 1975 – DAY

++ An empty living room with completely bare walls, polished wood floor. Light floods the space through the windows.

++ VOICES of a boy and girl argue.


++ SUGGEST look at spacing between Dialogue. Looks like double spacing, should be single. This one fix will condense the script by at least five pages.


INT. BATHROOM – DAY

++ SUGGEST ++ INT. BATHROOM – SAME See also INT. FAMILY ROOM – DAY ++ SUGGEST ++ SAME

PAGE 13:

Steve's voice sounds garbled through the phone, but we can
tell that he's posed a question.

SUGGEST…

++ Steve's voice sounds garbled through the phone: He’s posed a question.

PAGE 15:

INT. MAGGIE & ALLISON'S - DINING ROOM/EXT. FRONT PORCH – DAY

SUGGEST…

++ INT./EXT. MAGGIE & ALLISON'S – DAY

PAGE 17:

INT. MAGGIE & ALLISON'S TWINPLEX - MAGGIE'S ROOM – DAY

SUGGEST…

++ INT. MAGGIE'S ROOM – DAY

EXT. KITCHEN/DRIVEWAY – DAY

SUGGEST…

++ EXT. DRIVEWAY – DAY

PAGE 21:

EXT. DARROW ROAD - STOP 'N GO CONVENIENCE STORE – DAY

SUGGEST…

++ EXT. DARROW ROAD – DAY

++ VERY NICE DESCRIPTION ++ She's 17, with a "life is a party" attitude, and the air of someone who's always expecting the cops to crash it.

PAGE 72:

TYPO ++ Dee lets out a little laugh, puts the bacon a paper towel. (bacon on a paper towel)



What a clean bit of writing, so few fixes to point out –- GREAT JOB!

I could say this is a tuff read, a grey-brown spectacle of life’s extreme disappointment/disillusionment. When in fact this is more a slice of what’s unfortunately average. You have created a perfect snapshot of life’s tan lines; Sunscreen used in a frying pan. Like a lot of life, it’s seen through chlorine burned eyes; stripped clean of camouflage; blunt and unrestricted. I wanted to stop reading a few times but I couldn’t. You slowly built walls of mirror and polaroids around my heart; baking a perfect birthday cake melting below candle tears. I wish children could enjoy summers of wondrous childhood, but I do recognize truth within the sunburn of the soul. You are a pyromaniac and photojournalist worth paying attention to. I thank you for allowing me to devour your blistering creation, a cake worth eating – A MOVIE WORTH WATCHING!

My Best Regards,
Patrick McConnell
generasp@yahoo.com
 

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