Overall Recommendation:
4.0 stars
(2)
5 Stars:
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4 Stars:
100.0%
(2)
 
3 Stars:
0%
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2 Stars:
0%
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1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
Character:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Dialogue:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Emotion:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
 
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1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Leaner and meaner

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
July 28, 2012
EXPLOSION OF LIGHT - SOUND-BLAST OF WIND - BLACK not sure about this description, as all we have is this happening to a black screen, no place, time, you could delete this and it would have no effect on anything else.

The first 10 pages are vastly improved from the previous draft, there feels like a coherent series of events this time around, I didn't get lost. One thing I would say again is that our hero is introduced too late still. You have 10-15 pages to introduce us to this world and the hero, they would be better used concentrating on that than all of the back-story. This could all be discovered later in the script.

Eliminate any use of "we". Save that for the shooting script if at all.

Leave out any editing choices, a director and editor are the ones who make camera and "slow-mo" decisions. Plus, this just ups the word count.

There were too many super's. I know that there are many changes in location and time, but unless it is imperative to the plot, eg a countdown, leave it out. Again, word count.

I liked the added conflict when Crenshaw appears for John, much better than the previous friendly exchange.

There was still some fat to the story. The first to me the ambulance transporting Bridget, even though brief, is just a wasted paragraph that serves no purpose.

A lot of scenes start with a description of the room or place. Is this really what we would see? Or would it be a character doing something? Cut these descriptions unless story-driven, get in the scene late, out early. The audience needs to know what sort of place this is, but the finer details are down to the production designers. If a busted brick does not play a part in the story, don't mention it.

In contrast, your action descriptions read much cleaner now, you've eliminated needless extra characters and concentrated more on the main players, which makes it much faster and coherent to read.

I have to admit I'm still a little confused on the motivation for the whole thing. The exposition by Ogard in the end, it still loses me, maybe if its condensed I'll get it earlier but at the moment it reads as a little anti-climactic and unbelievable.

This was a very strong rewrite Jim, vastly improved over draft 3. The pace, logistics and sense of character were all improved. In further drafts, I would suggest getting rid of most of the first 10 pages and use them as things that John can discover on his adventure.
 
1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

"4" a wild multi level rush to save four cities and change the world, a potent, visual tail of intrigue and action that will impact the movie screen.

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
"4" a wild multi level rush to save four cities and change the world, a potent, visual tail of intrigue and action that will impact the movie screen.

The two main character's desperation, conflicts and the love affair is excellent. I would have like to seen a little more build up on who they were and how they got to this point especially Bridget (I am a Helicopter pilot). At first I thought she was the young girl at the start of the story now not so sure?

The use of small, (very small) hints on how the mines location where found was good but should be a little more obvious, just a thought.

The original description of the mines detonation device gave definitive reasons how it would explode and you stayed with this theme until the Milkie and helicopter ride. That action scene was the best of all of them but on the barge he raised the mine up and boom then you give over 60 Sec. Ya, Ya, picky, picky but uniformity is important. Just don't change the last one, do something with the barge explosion.

This draft flows smoother than any of the others and was a very enjoyable read. Not familiar with British slang had to look up some things but that was OK.

Have sent Jim notes on spelling error and such but not bad.

This will make a very good movie and am glad to say the story carries the action versus what you see in most of today's scripts thank you good job.
 

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