Overall Recommendation:
3.9 stars
(15)
5 Stars:
40.0%
(6)
 
4 Stars:
26.67%
(4)
 
3 Stars:
20.0%
(3)
 
2 Stars:
13.33%
(2)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
4.1 stars
(14)
 
Story structure:
3.6 stars
(14)
 
Character:
3.3 stars
(14)
 
Dialogue:
3.7 stars
(14)
 
Emotion:
3.4 stars
(14)
 
 
1-10 of 15 reviews
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0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Road to redemption of more then just a non-nice guy

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
September 19, 2011
I keep it simple:
i like everything except .... Rob.

Of course he does grow more likable over time, that's the narrative arch ... but that arch is not best served by making him fully unlikeable in the beginning.

Anyway i think this is pretty easily addressed:
a) we should see him hit at the outset and with amazing talent. That would make him a spoiled guy, rather then just an asshole.
b) he should have at least a friend. As things are now, he is also a lonely bastard. Okey, he has TED, who is his coach and despises him but needs him; Bobby Hart, who is a rather sad character; and then nothing except Tina (who it turns out is a bit of an opportunist herself). The problem with that is that it also staines on his story with Amy, who doesn't fall for a charming person who has lost his drive, but for a bastards who has run out of friends. And Amy is to much of a likeable caracter to do her that. And a propos Amy:
c) the story with her condition just doesn't work. The way things are set, it just makes her a prude. Also there is no reason why she should stop having sex if she hadn't have more serious damage out of it then a broken mariage and a broken heart. If Timmy was her child, well there you would have "a condition" baring you from taking things, sex included, casually.

This said: great stuff. i still have to see the Test movie yet.
 
0 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Loads of potential by needs lots more work.

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
1 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
July 07, 2011
Firstly-- I'm new to AS. I made the mistake of seeing the test movie before reading the script. Now knowing the story, I'm reluctant to spend the time reading the script. It deserves a full read prior to making an accurate review. My apologies.

I have downloaded the PDF version and quickly gone over the script.

1. Full character names prior to dialog are cumbersome and distracting.

2. Overall the amount of white space on the page is good.

3. There is nothing in the dialog that distinguishes the characters from each other. The dialog leans more toward proper sentencing structure than how individuals actually talk, especially men. Much of it is too wordy.
EXAMPLE
pdf page 7 between Ted and the Home Plate Umpire reads:

TED
Do you know what I have to put up with from this guy?! I'm doing what I have to do to have peace and quiet on the plane to Arizona!

A possible alternative:

Ted responds with aggressive GESTURES toward at the Ump as he speaks in an apologetic tone.

TED
Bear with me. I need him to think I'm on his side, or I'll never hear the end of this.

4. Too many things in the story take up time but don't move the story forward, such as the above reference for the plane ride to Arizona. Another example is the party scene where Rob is arrested. I would have rather SEEN Rob punch hard enough to make the Ump fall. Then in the next scene have Rob in jail. The natural transition would have been self explanatory.

5. Would Grandma have been pleased with the "sucks a donkey's dong" reference? Either way, it's a distraction that creates a vulgar visualization for the audience and does nothing for the story. Personally I see this as potentially hurting and in no way able to help at the BO. That kind of dialog may work when trying to show how morally low a character is, but not a character in a mentoring position. Doesn't matter if guys really talk this way among themselves.

6. Didn't see Amy as a strong female. Her motivation behind the "condition" had no backbone to create sexual tension between her and Rob. She thought the "idea" sounded good, but did not have sufficient reasons beyond not wanting to get hurt emotionally. That's why she was open to giving in when "emotions" got the best of her. Overall Rob did not have to "win" her, she was pretty much there. Boring.

7. As for Rob, there wasn't anything about him that made me root for him. He's not Hero material. He comes across too much as a jerk. There needs to be something seen from the beginning that makes him redeemable.

8. In glancing through the script, I see too many instances of 1 to 5 lines of action or dialog carrying over to the next page, before a scene change. During rewrites focus on tightening-up a page to prevent this. It reveals the effort to "economize" the words, which in the end makes for a better screenplay.

9. Did not like the butch chick bar scene at all. Not funny. Didn't help the story.

Definitely do some more rewrites the potential is there. Keep the movie "formula," but build-up the human factors. Even though this is not a rom-com, it would be helpful for you to study the "romance" formulas for creating the Hero and Heroine an audience wants to see.
 
0 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Feel good hit of the summer!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
May 24, 2011
I noticed a few typos on pages 12, 17, 44, and 78.
There could be others, but I didn’t notice them. If you use Final Draft or MM you could have the program read the script to you. Always helps me.
This is a fully realized world with interesting characters that a reader can empathize with in a both emotional and spiritual way.
A page-turner.
I try not to use the word well…at the beginning of dialogue because it is a time killer and actors tend to need little prompting when delivering “important” lines.
I reviewed the book "Empire the Great" several years ago. Thematically somewhat similar to your script. Check it out.
One major problem is the characters talk the same. They come from different worlds and backgrounds, why would they all talk the same.
You could lose about ten pages and improve the read quite a bit.
Overall, very good.
 
2 out of 4 people found the following review helpful:

Needs major work

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
December 24, 2010
This isn't a bad premise...a major league player *really* hates umpires in general or this one ump in particular, totally loses it during a game and punches the guy, and winds up walking a mile in his shoes as punishment.

If you don't grab the reader in the first 10 pages, though, the most interesting premise in the world will never see daylight. And the first 10 pages, which is all I read, didn't grab me at all.

I didn't like this guy. He had no redeeming qualities. To be polite, he's a jerk. Your hero can be a jerk but something about him has to make us as readers care about him at least a little so we will want him to change. I didn't see that here. There's a book on screenwriting entitled "Save the Cat." If your hero doesn't do something good in some way for someone right off the bat (no pun intended), no one will care about him. He can be a jerk as a ballplayer but he loves his kid, loves his girl, does something special for a fan, etc. Anything like that could work.

I read your pitch and, seriously, do you think your grandmother would like this guy?

I know that sounds hard but the truth is that probably 99% of the readers in Hollywood make up their minds even before they get to the end of first 10 pages and they very seldom change their first impressions of your characters and style.

Formatting note: I don't think I've ever read a script that uses the characters' full names above their dialogue. It's cumbersome. For athletes, I'd think last names would be used.

Also, the script is out-dated. They wouldn't be reading faxes and watching a videotape. They'd have smartphones and iPads and such. Understandable if you wrote it even 2-3 years ago. But that sort of thing dates a script and it should be fixed.

I don't know everything about the rules of baseball, either, but I agree with another reviewer who said that a player handing an ump a pair of glasses would get him thrown out of the game in a New York minute. If this were set in minor league ball ("Bull Durham"), I suppose he might get away with it, but in Dodger Stadium, never. The player's own manager would pull him out even if the ump didn't. He wouldn't even get a chance to bat, get mad and slug the ump, and that means no story.
 
2 out of 4 people found the following review helpful:

Needs HUGE amount of work

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
December 17, 2010
Well if I use the classic defense of "the willing suspension of disbelief" I could read through your script one more time.

1) Umpires don't verbalize swinging strikes,
2) There would be an immediate ejection after the glasses were handed to the umpire.

You know what, there's a reason no one has made a movie about baseball umpires (Naked Gun aside) -- it maybe impossible to find a way to protray what umpires REALLY do.

Sorry,
 
1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

I'm a sucker for a baseball movie.

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
December 14, 2010
Flows very naturally. Good premise; never considered an umpire movie before!
 
0 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Good premise and clever banter, but major formatting issues

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
No rating
 
Story structure:
No rating
 
Character:
No rating
 
Dialogue:
No rating
 
Emotion:
No rating
 
December 12, 2010
The premise is new, the characters interesting, the dialogue punchy and a little juvenile but I've been on a few baseball fields. They ain't talkin' philosophy out there. The script needs cleaned up, especially the parentheticals that stretch in a one-letter strand down the page, formatted like a Scrabble game. Please fix this up and I'll give it another look.

EDIT: Since posting my review, I've discovered that there are major formatting issues with RTF files downloaded through Amazon, so I increased my stars to 4. The formatting probs aren't the fault of the writer. This story has tremendous potential to develop into a movie, and should be looked at closely....
 
1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Overall good work. A little formulaic, but quite witty and well written.

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
December 07, 2010
The premise is absolutely brilliant. You are absolutely correct in your summary, no has ever made a movie about umpires. The only issue is the overall adam-sandler-esque feel of the script. I feel like I've seen this film a hundred times already. Its very formulaic.

This is not in and of itself a bad thing, but you want this film to stick out, and the subject matter does a lot, but it doesn't put it over the edge. I was worried about the "condition" with Amy's character, but I think you pulled it off. The problem is the line between beautiful, real emotion and uber-cheesiness is extremely thin. So tread lightly.

So overall, great script. I would definitely want to see this film, but I would probably wait till it hit netflix, because I wouldn't be certain that it was worth ten bucks.

Enjoyed it,
-Caleb TD Hurst
 
1 out of 6 people found the following review helpful:

Doesn't sound like real baseball

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
2 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
December 04, 2010
I only read the first ten pages. That was enough. The whole baseball scene didn't seem genuine. It reads like a baseball movie written by someone who doesn't know anything about baseball.
 
0 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Perfect!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
November 29, 2010
Rob continues to taunt the first baseman even after he's on second. He'd have to yell pretty loud, wouldn't he? I guess that would be funny!

And when his slide into home is called out, I honestly thought, good for him! Ignoring his coach!! Arguing on the field!! But I expected to start liking Rob sooner or later.

And I was right. I started liking him as soon as he hit bottom.

Adam Sandler would be so perfect in this, but... isn't he a little long in the tooth to be a famous (still playing) baseball star? Or not?

First BIG laugh - when Bobby starts jogging without being told to. FUNNY!

In one place, what he says is ironic humor, but it's better, imo, if he simply says nothing.
ROB JACKSON
Well ain't this the happiest place on earth. Full of Nazi's and hot chicks with diseases.


Clown suit... balloons... great!

I'll be in the bleachers when this game plays.

Even if you hate baseball, you'd have to like this story.

Lucy
 

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