Overall Recommendation:
3.0 stars
(1)
5 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
4 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
3 Stars:
100.0%
(1)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
4.0 stars
(1)
 
Story structure:
3.0 stars
(1)
 
Character:
4.0 stars
(1)
 
Dialogue:
1.0 stars
(1)
 
Emotion:
4.0 stars
(1)
 
 
1-1 of 1 review
Sort: Newest | Most helpful
2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Has great potential, a great MC, but needs major structural and authenticity revisions.

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
1 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 

L M

November 30, 2012
My impression from a 10-page read.

I love sci-fi, and you had me at the comparison to 'Babylon 5'. In some ways your story makes me think of Jerry Pournelle's 'The Mote in God's Eye'. If you haven't read that, you should, and then go back and revise this script based on what you can learn from that epic book.

I think you have the nexus of a good story universe here, but the writing is letting the story down. It could do with a major copy-edit, and it could do with structural fixes to make it more in-line with standard screenplays.

You could also think about how the story unfolds. I like that it begins with a battle (although the battle and dialog need a lot of work for authenticity), and I like that it focuses on a strong, though empathic, female commander. Too often Sci-Fi makes the female commanders over-feminine (I'm thinking the Japanese one in the pilot of B5, whose name escapes me, played by the lovely Tamlyn Tomita), or it over compensates and makes them too butch (Ivanova, early on in B5).

MacKinnon seems to be a nice blend of these. Focus on that and improve it.

Not sure if you need the orphanage scene so early on in the story. It's kind of jarring.

Some notes:

1.
At the beginning, when you say "Valley Forge Space Carrier Strike Group, en route to
LaGrange Point, February 20th, 2091.", the terminology is 'legend'

i.e.

LEGEND READS:
"Valley Forge Space Carrier Strike Group, en route to
LaGrange Point, February 20th, 2091."

2.
MacKinnon's opening monologue is a bit jarring -- tell us what *is* happening, as opposed to what *isn't* happening. Get straight to the point instead of dancing around what might or might not have been.

3.
"EXT Valley Forge Strike Group" is wrong. The VFSG isn't a location. You should probably write this somehting like:

FX: Space
The Valley Forge Strike Group glides by, en route to their LaGrange point.

Now, I know what a LaGrange point is, but I'm guessing most readers don't. You should maybe use some of MacKinnon's monologue to explain this.

4.
"Ascend Five Thousand Kilometers"

I'm assuming they're in space here. You don't ascend in space. Think of the physics of zero-g combat, where there is no up or down. (Read Enders Game if you haven't done so already, it does a great job of this, or, also read my novel 'The Fourth World' which in its early chapters also talks about movement in space)

5.
Action text could be trimmed a bit. For example "Fortunately designers put straps in the seats so that..." could be more action oriented and shorter.

"The ship lurches, but X stays restrained, strapped into her seat" or something like that.

6.
Needs some copy edit. Page 3 has 'The Imperial Imperial' and 'The squadrons is holding" etc.

7.
There's a huge concept count here, making it hard to keep up. We have lasers, missiles, X-Ray lasers, Gatlings etc. It seems every time a weapon is mentioned, it's a new one. Maybe think of focussing it down a little.

8.
Introduce Characters before they talk. For example --
ADMIRAL JONATHAN DRAKE (50s) appears on her view screen

DRAKE
Nice job, commander

9.
Try to make the dialog sound more authentic. For example Drake mentions, as soon as he turns up, that the enemy has 85% casualties. How would they have measured that? And how would they be so accurate, right on the spot like that? It feels forced.

10.
"What is noticable about this scene is that everyone is floating"

Consider re-write.
"The ship is damaged, gravity is out. Doctor Whatever floats to MacKinnon's bed, and sees that she is awake." -- That kind of tells us everything we need to know.

11.
(Page 10) -- Why is it *fortunate* that they lost gravity when leaving the battle?

12.
(PAge 11) -- I assume this is a flashback because of MacKinnon's age...but it's very jarring.
 

Reviews for