Overall Recommendation:
4.0 stars
(3)
5 Stars:
33.33%
(1)
 
4 Stars:
33.33%
(1)
 
3 Stars:
33.33%
(1)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
4.7 stars
(3)
 
Story structure:
3.7 stars
(3)
 
Character:
3.3 stars
(3)
 
Dialogue:
3.0 stars
(3)
 
Emotion:
3.0 stars
(3)
 
 
1-3 of 3 reviews
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0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Good Start, Needs Some Work

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
December 19, 2012
Overall:
I like the premise quite a bit, and it brings about thoughts of epic adventures like the Indiana Jones series (even though those Nazis didn't time travel). The opening is very visual, and works well to set up the story. Very intriguing and pulls the reader along well.

The second and third acts need some attention. It felt like some of the momentum was lost after the first act. Some of that may be due to what I felt as I continued to read: the script is over-written. There are much easier ways to get across information. Some detail is fine, but if it takes more than three lines to describe an object, event, or incident, then you need to trim what's been written. Read the script for The Matrix or The Dark Knight. Read any of the Bourne Identity scripts. All very lean, but you can visualize their world easily.

I think there is plenty of room to expand and develop the characters. Tom is fairly well thought out, and Henrich for the most part (though he's a bit of a stereo-typical Nazi bad guy). But the others, especially Manfred, feel like they need more depth. I didn't fully buy into Manfred's "fate is already written" point of view.

It wouldn't hurt to have more information about the Portal, and build up its mythology. Think about the Indiana Jones movies: Raiders - the Ark of the Covenent. They explain during the story why and how the Ark is powerful, then demonstrate its power. Last Crusade - they explain why and how the Cup of Christ is powerful, then demonstrate it. The mythology sells the idea, and thereby sells the story to the audience.

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What Worked:
As stated, I really like the premise. It lends itself to countless possibilities for future stories. Tom would be a good character to follow in future stories.

The characters seem to fit their time periods, fairly well. I think there are more opportunities for comic relief with "fish-out-of-water" moments, like you did with trying to figure out using a cell phone, etc.

The action is pretty well planned out, though I think you could have gone much further, making the script feel even more epic. You want to maintain a "ticking clock", where modern London will be under assault from a highly motivated, completely unexpected enemy if Heinrich gets his way. Heinrich needs to reach his goal sooner, the result needs to be much more threatening, and the impending consequences much more dire. But not to worry - Tom will save the day.


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What Didn't:
The pace really needs some attention. Like I said, read other adventure scripts and pay attention to their story beats. There's a pace and rhythm that you need to achieve to have a successful action story. There's a point in the middle of the second act where Tom meets with Rose. The scene seems to go on...and on...and on...and... I think it's due to the bulk of dialogue and exposition that transpires. It wasn't very interesting to read, even though there is relevent information. I think a lot of the dialogue follows the same fate. It's hard in an action script to make the dialogue functional without being clunky/technical/bloated, when you have to fill in the story blanks without using an explosion or gunfire for emphasis. But I think you need to find a way to get the info across more expediently and keep the characters lively.

I didn't buy into pretty much everything that happened at New Scotland Yard. I didn't believe the police would react they way the did in the story when Manfred comes looking for his son.

The ending wasn't satisfying. The story just -- ends. Again, pace is your friend in this situation. The dynamics of what Tom wants and what Henrich wants need to be driven home even more than what you already have. They need to have a one-on-one showdown, even in the midst of all the Portal action, that justifies the audience watching this story unfold for 2 hours.

The characters aren't particularly overwhelmed that they've traveled through time to the future. I think one or more of Henrich's troops should be freaked out that they're in a completely different time period and can't handle it.

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These are just my opinions. Do with them what you will.

You have a terrific idea. I hope you keep working on it and fully realize the potential your story has. Best of luck.
 
0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Great Story

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
December 03, 2012
Great premise and story. I think it comes alive well.
 
2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Just plain fun.

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
November 19, 2012
***SPOILERS***

Just plain fun. Who doesn't love Nazis and time travel?

The writer has a natural talent which makes for a breezy read.

There are things to be tweaked, liked dialogue (which IMO is so easily worked on). Particularly when story structure is sound. Which it is here up until a point. And the lead character has to have more of a transformational arc.

Here is what I would change: I think that upon learning that Germany lost WWII, the bad guys want to take possession of a weapon or a piece of technology that they can bring back to their own time so that they can win the war. And our hero needs to stop them. Perhaps it is the plans for the Manhattan Project. This really raises the stakes. And makes the film not just about finding the portal, but changing history – and the lives of everyone in the audience.

Here are some details that struck me as I was reading:
Tom, who has time traveled forward from the early 40s, seems to be a little thick when he is told he can't smoke because it's 2007. He needs to pick up on the fact that he is not in Kansas a lot faster.

Love the bunker/bar scene. There are little bits of wit sprinkled throughout, like the overweight prostitutes, which is a delight. And this line was awesome: Well the SS aren't exactly known
for their work in agriculture... Funny. And some of the fish out of water stuff was fun too.

Overall, a good first draft.
 

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