Overall Recommendation:
4.0 stars
(5)
5 Stars:
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(3)
 
4 Stars:
20.0%
(1)
 
3 Stars:
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2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
20.0%
(1)
 
Premise:
3.8 stars
(4)
 
Story structure:
3.8 stars
(4)
 
Character:
3.8 stars
(4)
 
Dialogue:
3.5 stars
(4)
 
Emotion:
4.0 stars
(4)
 
 
1-5 of 5 reviews
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0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Needs a few more drafts yet.

Overall Recommendation:
1 stars
 
Premise:
1 stars
 
Story structure:
1 stars
 
Character:
1 stars
 
Dialogue:
1 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
January 01, 2017
NB/ This is a rough review of the first SIX pages only. I couldn't stick with it long enough to determine if there was a plot, or merely characters in search of one.

The author seems not to have used screenwriting software, to her script's GREAT detriment. (There are free, downloadable industry standard packages available - TRELBY, for instance.)

Please, please, please download proper script software and do your next draft on it.

Camilla and Madison (30-35) seem to be the protagonists, but neither seem particularly likeable, nor memorable. Camilla, for instance, burst out laughing for no apparent reason on at least two occasions. She's apparently wealthy. Possibly she's crazy. I don't know.

Sluglines are not to industry standard, right from page 1, and a cursory examination of any half-decent screenwriting book would have enabled the author to correct this error. I.e.:

"JFK International Airport (note: not in Courier 12 font)

"INT. Night."

Should be: "INT. JFK INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - NIGHT"

I get the feeling the author's first language is not English, so having a friend who is a native English speaker check her work for spelling and grammar would have been helpful. There are times I had to read a sentence two or three times to be sure of what she was trying to say. If it happens once in 93 pages, she'd get away with it. If the first few pages, it doesn't bode well for the rest of the read.

Not all dialogue is presented as such, and there's a several-lines-long paragraph on page 4 which seems to have been intended to be dialogue. That was the most egregious example in the first 6 pages.

The intermittent nature of the use of punctuation in places (particularly the humble full stop) distracted from the read right from page 1. Many sentences, for instance, just end thus

Character descriptions are fulsome, right down to height, weight, hair and eye colour, and the colour of their buttons. Even minor characters like the building's doorman are so described, which would be a nightmare for casting and costuming.

Ditto for location descriptions: for example, a 6-line description on pp. 4-5 of an up-market Manhattan apartment "on the fortieth floor" includes the number of baths (3), as if the camera will be taking a tour through with a view to listing the place on a realtor's website. This scene hasn't earned a slugline, even though we're no longer in the limousine that preceeded it. In fact, the only slugline that appears on page 4 at all has us in Shanghai, China, and appears to be a flashback although it's not noted as such. A simple

"INT. ELEGANT PENTHOUSE APARTMENT - MANHATTAN - DAY"

would have said everything about the apartment that needed saying to the person whose job it is to scout for locations.

While the script's a lean 93 pages, by the time it's re-formatted to industry standards, I suspect it would be lucky to break 70 pages. White space is nice, but the unevenness of spacing is irritating: sometimes there's a double-space between action/description lines, sometimes there appears to be at least 5 line spaces.

Page 6 - MADISON is also called "MADSION", and why are there (cont'd) and (Con't) after her speeches when someone else has just spoken? Using scriptwriting software would have eradicated amateur errors like these.

Based on this very preliminary look, it reads like a really rough first draft. I try to give scripts with female writers and protagonists a chance, but this work just didn't grab me, and I can't give it more than one star in any category. This needs a lot more work.

Dear writer, READ SCRIPTS! MORE SCRIPTS! GOOD SCRIPTS! And reading a good screenwriting book wouldn't go astray, either, to get your formatting correct, then have another go at it. Good luck!
 
1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

I really Like this creativity !

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
December 10, 2012
This work is very well done it shares part of peoples lives you seldom hear read or see.
It has great potential for a fantastic movie !
 
1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Great Book!

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
December 09, 2012
I really enjoyed reading this book, very interesting you wanted to keep reading to see what would happen next. Lots of intrigue, you never knew what would happen next. I would definitely recommend this book!
 
1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

I love the title

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
December 02, 2012
I love this book it was awesome i couldnt put it down i have read it over and over i recommend this book to everyone it is a must read!this should be a movie it would be a best seller i would buy it for myself and eveybody that i know.I just cant say enough about it,its so thrilling and exciting.
 
1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Movie material!!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
No rating
 
Story structure:
No rating
 
Character:
No rating
 
Dialogue:
No rating
 
Emotion:
No rating
 
November 29, 2012
I read the book 3 times already and loved it beginning to end. I have been telling the readers in my family about it and telling them it would be great if it was made into a movie. I will definitely buy the movie!!!
 

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