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Too safe, good pace

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
January 06, 2013
I liked the concept of the script, it obviously works for other screenwriters with all the references to the trade and the tricks and the rules, but a lot of it would be fairly inaccessible to a large audience. I think this would work best as an indie.



The opening is creative, the character introductions and the pace of the pitch scene but there were a few things like the nametag thing that I didn't really get the need for. One thing I think does need work in is the relationships between the leads. I didn't get a sense of history between them.


I admit I'm not really up on how to write OR read comedy, its not my genre, but the pace felt off after the set-up, and this affected the tone. I couldn't find a belly laugh, or any real biting satire. You want to go for one or the other. Take advantage of having the balls to put Mickey Rourke, Emma Watson etc in there, send them up, make them seem insane, go for it. It all felt too gentle. Dame with the dialogue. It felt too safe. You basically had three frat-boys in Hollywood, but where was the potty-mouth? I know this is probably a personal thing but you're writing about a subject kids won't get, so feel free to write in more 'adult' dialogue and situations.


Things definitely picked up for the end sequence, your creativity and imagination seemed to peak here. Would I be right in guessing that you thought of the scenario and ending it first? All you need now is the middle to be more eventful.


A lot of these nit-picks are personal preference, so they may not sit with the tone and feel you are going for. But if you can sprinkle some if the pace and creativity of the first 20 and last 20 pages into the rest, you could be onto a winner.
 

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