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Commander Bond Saves Europe but this is not a Screenplay; It is an action novel

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
2 stars
 
Story structure:
1 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
February 18, 2013
4 -- 7th Draft
James H.S Whitcher
Feb 18, 2013


Opening remarks as the screenplay is being read:

Backup a moment and learn what a screenplay versus a shooting script is.

NO camera directions, NO POV’s, NO montages, NO actor directions, NO production design elements, NO set directions, NO costumes. NO credits rolling.

Use the correct industry standard format for screenplays you want reviewed or it makes it very hard for the reviewer to read your screenplay.

Typos and autocorrect problems. Print out your screenplay on paper and proofread it. Have other proofread it. Verb tense mistakes or the wrong spelling of a homonym are distracting to the reader.
John grabs Bridget’s hand and they RUN straight for the four feet foot high

Why do we care about the people in this movie and the Bombs? What is with the Snake?

What is your Spark? Is it someone puts some bombs in some cities and some guy is trying to find someway to save them? Where is the reason for this movie?


Up to Page 8
Not a screenplay so far just a Novel with camera angles.

Cliché characters. Are you going after a Dirk Pitt type character here? Or is this a James Bond comes out of retirement movie? How is the audience, the people in the movie theatre going to know his background?


The woman is BRIDGET SMYTH; a pilot in the US Air Force; contemplates quitting, only six months of duty left. A frustrated ‘wannabe’ fighter pilot without a squadron; definitely one of the boys but every single inch a woman.

How is your audience suppose to deduce this?

Page 9...
If you... see... the same punctuation ...repeatedly ....on the same page.... then you ....are doing it... wrong.

Page 12
JOHN
Beachcroft. And we’re no tourists,
so save us the scenic...
Cliché

Page 40

Finally a reference to time. You set the story up with 44 hours but only now we are told there are only 20 left?


Page 45
44 minutes into the movie and Bridget still has not done all that much.

Page 54

I have no idea how your hero is finding all these Mines? The crater in the road is okay but how did he know the truck was coming? why not just wait and blow up the crane?

Why does he even need to be there for the Crane, have to fly in on an F-16. Why not just mobilize locals to stop the crane with an ambush?


Okay, I read all 101 pages of the Script and this not a screenplay in that it is missing several elements of Story.

You don’t have a hero, you just have a guy doing his job and a woman show seems to be helping him by escaping a lot.

Your ending with the children is from another movie I have seen. Don’t recall the name but I know the “children swarm to save hero” ending has been used before. Might have been an Indiana Jones scene even.

There is no Story just a guy running around and getting shot at by people for no reason.

There is no subtext to 99% of the scenes.

There is no proper foreshadowing. Sure there are plenty of foretelling camera shots but no foreshadowing in the Story.

You have to comply with industry standard formatting if you want the industry to make your movie.

As to the good stuff. Yes, it is clever and a thrilling read.
 

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