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4 Stars:
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3 Stars:
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Premise:
5.0 stars
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Story structure:
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Character:
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3 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Very Impressive

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
January 14, 2011
I will admit, I was a little hesitant with starting Tour Two. By the way, you have this under action adventure, and it really isn't one. Thats not a bad thing. I would call it as a drama/thriller. I was expecting the postal workers to pull out guns and fight some terrorists or something.

It is a little slow, but it really began to pull me in the longer it went on.

First off, the script has a great premise, with little for me to comment on. There are some formatting errors, and there are many times where your script would interrupt a conversation to remind me of where the location was. I do not know it this was due to the program or what, but do try to fix that. It made it hard to read.


WARNING: SPOILERS

First off, my biggest complaint with Tour Two is the lack of development on Brian and Susan. In the beginning, you introduce all four, and each character has an interesting subplot. I really think you should see more of them. Not only that, but both of those subplots were a source of tension. Terri and Steen were very good likable characters, but I felt that you sacrificed the other two characters in order to focus on Terri and Steen.

Brian is an interesting characters, and his relationship with Kay is interesting, but I really felt like they should have been used more, especially near the beginning to balance out the tension. I did mention the beginning was slow, and I think exploring Brian and Susan will be a great way to keep your audience hooked. Also, that allows you to emphasize the villain Marshall more.

I would not show the shooting on the TV. As soon as I read that, I knew that Brian was going to do it. I know you may have been trying to foreshadow it, and that may be the least obvious way, but if there is a better way to do that, I would try that. If you cannot make it any more subtle I may just cut it altogether. I think playing that card closer to your chest may work out better.

Also, I feel like there are a couple moments where you seem to rush things. For example, Andrew beat up the manager. Why is this important? Why does this matter? Does this mean Steen now has more responsibility now? Did they catch Andrew? Even Steen overhearing a brief conversation with two workers talking about what happened to him would fill in the gaps.

I would personally make Swan's affection for Steen a little more obvious earlier on. To me, I seemed like it was a pretty fast transition from co-worker to a guy she has a crush on. And if there was some easy way to show that time is passing, I would try that too. I also felt like Steen proposing to Terri came a little soon. Showing time is passing somehow would help with that.

Now I know I am being picky, but I am trying to help. I think you really have a great idea here, and refined correctly could be possibly be a big winner here. Best of luck to you.

Hope this will help.
 

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