Overall Recommendation:
3.7 stars
(7)
5 Stars:
28.57%
(2)
 
4 Stars:
28.57%
(2)
 
3 Stars:
28.57%
(2)
 
2 Stars:
14.29%
(1)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
3.7 stars
(6)
 
Story structure:
3.3 stars
(6)
 
Character:
4.0 stars
(6)
 
Dialogue:
3.8 stars
(6)
 
Emotion:
3.5 stars
(6)
 
 
1-7 of 7 reviews
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0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Hey, I'm reviewing something, don't explode.

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
1 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
February 25, 2017
This is really cute. There is some frightening stuff on this page of artworks and I just kept passing by them but this caught my attention because it kind of reminded me of sweet home alabama. With a giant discheveled weird twist. It's got discombobulated 'Road Trip' written all over it. I think it would make a great festival short but not a stump. I wouldn't mind seeing this at all.
 
0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Very good script, but the structure needs work.

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
September 08, 2015
I didn't care for the swearing. All of a sudden they are dropping f-bombs every five seconds. They also swear in a gym room full of kids, so I didn't like that and think it was realistic.

Maybe you could come up with a fictional celebrity for Jason's choice, and additional ones to co-star with Matt. That way it doesn't clash with the real life people not wanting to be in the script, (especially Jolie). Mentioning the other three actors is fine unless they have to appear later.

I think it would be better if Anna was somehow more involved with Hollywood rather than just a chance meeting with a famous Hollywood director. It just doesn't seem plausible that the director would pick someone with no film set experience to be a costume designer, unless Anna is skilled at creating lots of costumes specifically for themes in the fictional film.

The second scene with Maria, I don't think its needed. Its the same information we're getting again, and at this point Jason should be trying to help Jonah get with her or help him build confidence. Also, there's a lot of J named character, if Jaime returns it gets confusing.

Pg 31: cheetos, there's no “h”

pg 58, I don't know why Matt would kiss Anna, it doesn't really make sense. Maybe it would be funnier if everyone was bracing each other and then Jaime tried to go for it but Matt ducks away

pg 64, its a bit of a stretch that the concierge is blind and also believes the whole Pitt thing. Maybe Jason should just be delivering flowers or something, or has a costume from the film set and is pretending to be a delivery man. Especially flowers, which should be delivered in person because if you leave them at the desk they will die.

I'm on page 77, and right now there's too much of the whole plot going on. Nothing has really happened. There's no big incident that spins everything in another direction. You haven't used Jaime, how come she isn't try to get with Matt? By page 60 we should have the big midpoint and it should be taking a new direction.

Ben Kingsley doesn't really sound like Ben Kingsley. He should be more refined and British sounding. Also, it was Jonah who said groceries earlier in the film, so he should say it again, not Ben.

Page 82, You're fired! Nah you can stay. Hate it when this happens.

Page 84, the security guard wouldn't kick him while he's down. That's too much.

Page 100, its getting weird. The mental patient comes out from nowhere, and the run isn't funny. Consider changing this and spinning the chase trope on its head. Like they jump into horse drawn carriage and do the chase in that instead.

Page 105, Jason shouldn't witness Anna avoiding the kiss if ten seconds laater he thinks she likes him back. Her actions betray that he thinks is going on.



Overall, its a hilarious script! I definitely found myself smiling and chuckling at Jonah the most, and even some from Ed. I like the scene in the trailer where Jason is forced to read those lines, definitely the funniest part of the script for me.

Only downsides I can think of is that Jaime is kind of useless. She only appears twice and she doesn't advance the plot in any way. She doesn't even make it to Italy and Maria does, so that shows she isn't a vital part of the screenplay and you could take her out completely and it wouldn't affect much. She could learn the pass thing from a friend at the wedding instead, since I feel she's extraneous.

The same goes for the page count. You have three large scenes after Anna gets the job at the film set. There's the birthday party on the Sea Hore, the stalking with Angelina Jolie, and then the Ben Kingsley scene. I feel like there's one scene too many, since you arrive at the midpoint at page 82. When Anna gets angry and goes off to Italy, it should happen much sooner. If you don't do that, then its literally an hour and twenty minutes of set pieces until Anna and Jason have their little spat. Now this is the hardest part. You need the Sea Hore scene to set up the renewal of vows, but I feel the Dolphin part is pretty dumb. I love the Angelina Jolie sequence, just because of the S&M thing and the jokes at the Italian restaurant. And of course, the Ben Kingsley sequence I feel at the end is the weakest, but it spurs on the fight with Anna and Jason. I think you should cut the middle sequence entirely, or somehow trim everything that came before it in order to fit them all in before your midpoint. Its going to be hard, you don't want to cut prime material but you can't delay vital plot points or else you risk losing your audience, even with hilarious celebrity scenes.

The script could be more marketable if you ditch all of the f words. They are only useful for a joke, like when Jason says it front of the italian kids. Every other usage really feels forced. This isn't a 17A+ script, its more a 14A that the whole family could watch.

I also don't think the flashback scene needs to be done. It doesn't reaffirm Jason's speech at the end,but we don't necessarily need it. Also, the beginning with the Jonah in the gym used twice, one can be axed. And the dream sequences.

Maybe consider changing Angelina Jolie and Ben Kingsley to fictional celebrities. When I think of Matt McAdams, I think of a hunky man like Chris Hemsworth. But if you can't get Angelina Jolie (who is doing more directing now), then it makes it unfilmable. Same goes for Ben Kingsley. You can mention any celebrity you want, such as the Judi Dench thing, because you don't have to show her. Its just my two cents.

The script is truly funny. It was a good read, but the only thing that needs work is tightening up that plot in the second act, and maybe creating fictional celebrities to take the place of the real ones.


PS> Just an additional thought, Jason's job has nothing to do with the plot or personality. He's a schoolteacher, but that facet never comes into play. Maybe he's good with children, but that doesn't affect the plot. His buddy Jonah is bad with kids, but he never clashes with any children later in the script. Also, and why don't Anna and Jason have kids? They've been married for three years, and its never mentioned. Maybe make it one year later rather than three, and maybe make it so that their job as teachers comes into play. Jason being insecure isn't enough. If you make it so that he's good with kids but can't have any of his own for whatever reason, it becomes much more high stakes.
 
0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

The Pass

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
No rating
 
Story structure:
No rating
 
Character:
No rating
 
Dialogue:
No rating
 
Emotion:
No rating
 
June 16, 2014
Dear Jack,
Hi, I am a student at Commack High School in Mr. Patterson’s Film as Literature class. I have watched the trailer and read the script of “The Pass” and here is what I’ve noticed. Jason and Anna Miller, a married couple, have a strong relationship in the beginning of the film. However, this is ruined when Anna actually gets the chance to sleep with her pass, Matt McAdams.
This movie has a lot of potential. It is an interesting conflict because Jason and Anna are slowly drifting apart. Jason has to find a way to get Anna interested back in him. However, this is challenging because they are already married and Anna knows everything about Jason. The only real way to fix this is for Jason to step up his game by doing nice subtle things for Anna to show that he cares. This movie may be appealing to teens and people over the age of seventeen. It reveals that if you have a stable relationship, you shouldn’t do anything to put it in jeopardy. The pass was completely unnecessary and only drove the couple apart. Some attractive scenes from this script are when Jason is talking to Jonah. This is because he expresses his true feelings and what he wants out of Anna, however, the scene when Matt McAdams jumps off of a roof and parachutes to safety is a bit farfetched. After all, McAdams is still a normal person, not a super hero. What you can do is have him do is climb down the building on a rope that he finds. The locations for this film can be rather flexible. Hollywood, a middle class house and any elementary school are places you may want to shoot this movie. One actor I suggest is Jennifer Aniston for Anna Miller, and Stephen Amell for Matt McAdams. Overall, I give your script a mediocre rating of six out of ten. I don’t see the passion in the characters but I think my cast can help you. Some of the dialogue is not there but if you put the work in you have the potential to have a great film.
Good luck,
Mike D’Angelo
 
2 out of 4 people found the following review helpful:

Outrageously funny stuff!! Jack and Frank...great piece of comic writing

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
June 22, 2011
Jack and Frank....been following this script for the past 5 months....this is an absolute hysterical read! Glad to see this is finally getting the serious attention it deserves. BTW...your Table Read for "The Pass" was well done and fact that 2 other table reads were also submitted for your script is an overall tribute to you gents. Wishing you the best!

With respect to Gary's previous review/comments......hey Gary....before you get into reviewing/critiquing scripts...how about first learning how to put a few sentences together with out misspelled/misused words…are you kidding me!

Carmine from Philly
 
1 out of 11 people found the following review helpful:

Not Original

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
1 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
June 22, 2011
Come on people we need to get original... Hall Pass was already done and all your doing is putting a celebrity influance on to it. I'm tired of remakes and copied trash. Lets get original people.
 
3 out of 4 people found the following review helpful:

Drop Dead Funny

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
March 09, 2011
Jack, this story was drop dead funny. It flows perfectly... I could picture it as a movie when I read it. Also was constantly thinking of which today's famous actors could play certain parts. Man, this story is so funny, I even chose to look at all of the Table Reads.

Good job man.

VERY good job.
 
4 out of 7 people found the following review helpful:

Great Script, Really Fun

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
February 07, 2011
So, I really enjoyed this script. I've opened dozens of scripts on this site and usually don't finish. They just don't hold my attention long enough to stick through my busy and distraction-filled life. But yours did. Kudos for that.

As for execution, this is good comedy and I can see this being made.

Some suggestions...

Even though it's listed as 110 pages, it shows up 124 for me, which I know is because of the RTF conversion, but it still felt a little too long. The point that it lagged was around when Anna left for Italy. It took a little too long for the action to pick back up and get there for me. (Perhaps shorten the flashback and stuff around that portion).

One other consideration... they say not to name characters similarly but you've got Jason, Jonah and Jaime. Especially since Jason and Jonah are always together, you might change one of them to make it easier on the reader to distinguish between the two. But that's really a nitpick.

The draft could also use a good stiff edit for grammar, punctuation, and spelling.

OVERALL... I was very entertained. I think this would make a great movie. It's a great script (obviously... ya know with making the semi-finals and all.) ;)


P.s. When the P.A. said a man claiming to be Anna's "wife"... was that mistake or intentional? B/c I'm pretty sure he's her "husband." If it was intentional, I'd make Jason react to that somehow.
 

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